To wonder why so many men lose interest in their kids when the relationship breaks down?

[dadsnkids]

I am wondering why so many men seem to lose interest in their children and don't even seem to love them any more after their wife eirher dies or they split.

I've seen this so many times from previously so called devoted dads and it makes me wonder if they are devoted to their wives not the children and then fall out of love with the kids along with the wife.

Or is it that their new relationship(s) take priority over the kids?

Disclaimer - I know this isn't every man but it seems to be true in many cases I have known.

Sorry re typos - on phone damn AC.

My dad put his subsequent three wives ahead of me and my brother and eventually our relationship died. I don't know why, I know he adored me when I was little but he just stopped caring

I would like to read a ( dads) point of view because I just can't understand why anyone would want to abandon a child I am lucky I have 2 amazing parents and a husband that loves our daughter way more than me And this alone makes me proud of the man he is and love him even more because he was a child that was raised by his dad and mum for 12 years old then his parents split his dad has seen him 3 times in 22 years he will never know the pain and damage he has done to his own son

It is a strange thing. A very old friend of mine has recently broken up with his partner of over ten years. They have a daughter, and neither of them is likely to have another child due to their respective ages now.

My friend seemed such a devoted father who adored his DD but, after the relationship broke down, he then began to talk about "walking away", not pursuing any kind of regular contact, and how his mates had told him to just "let his DD find him when she was older." And I really couldn't fathom it. I couldn't figure out why he would possibly think that if all contact between him and his daughter stopped for ten years or more, then somehow she would "discover" him again as an adult and they could have some sort of close father/daughter relationship again.

The naivety of it astounded me, and I wondered whether it was actually because he couldn't deal with any kind of complexity in his life as he's always been someone who had just ridden the wave. Except now the sea had got a bit choppy and required some navigation skills, he just couldn't deal with it, wanted to get out of the water, and was trying to come up with a reason for that course of action ...

... which leads me to a rather controversial statement. As I've got older, I've noticed that a lot of men I know just want an easy life where they can kinda do what they want. They can't cope with complexity or difficulty or working out a situation or predicament to the benefit of everyone and themselves; they just want shit to be simple.

And that sometimes that desire makes them make really bizarre decisions, like walking away from their children because it is too much "hassle" to work out a contact arrangement with someone and stick to it.

Ach, I dunno.

No not all men are selfish.

My DH was married before and his ex wife turned nasty after she found out about me. All access to the DC stopped and she started saying very horrible things to them. He went straight to court to fight for access, he didn't hang about. There was a sticky patch where the eldest believed their mother but over time they came to see he DID love them and was not giving up seeing them. She binned many many birthday cards we found out later that he had sent. Seeing how hard he fought for access and how much he has done for his DC made me know he would be a good dad to any DC we had, and he has done. He doesn't shirk away from his responsibilities and had little time for anyone who does.

Greylove,

I gave the view above that men "walk" because there are many factors pushing them out when the family unit breaks up.

I see this thread is a year old, but I would still really, really like to know whether it is the policy of family courts in the UK to only grant custody rights to one parent. I think this is a hugely important factor, if so.

I think many people are overthinking this. A poster up-thread has already given my answer.

If Dads get custody or joint custody then the relationship can be maintained. It is almost impossible, especially when the kids are a bit older and have their own plans and friends, to expect any sort of real relationship to develop when kids are taken out of their routine

If 95% of men were primary carers after separation, they'd be sitting around talking on Dadsnet about why separated women abandoned their kids.

It's a thousand times easier to maintain a relationship with someone you live with than someone you don't.

Separated women don't maintain a relationship with their children because they are more virtuous, they do it because they live with them and don't have a choice. (They may truthfully say they love them, but that love is a consequence of the relationship, not the cause. )

MY db was a widower with 2 young DDs and prospective girlfriends told him he had ruined their chances of having dc! This was because he already had dc and they didn't want responsibility for them but wanted their own dc. This doesn't seem to matter to men who start new families even with women who already have their own dc.

My dad never bothered with us before my parents separated, preferring to spend his time in the pub, so it just didn't change afterwards, just made it more obvious. He spent a couple of years dragging us to the pub or just not turning up before disappearing completely.

The only times he has ever tried to get back in touch is when he has a new woman he is trying to impress.