To wonder why so many men lose interest in their kids when the relationship breaks down?

[dadsnkids]

I am wondering why so many men seem to lose interest in their children and don't even seem to love them any more after their wife eirher dies or they split.

I've seen this so many times from previously so called devoted dads and it makes me wonder if they are devoted to their wives not the children and then fall out of love with the kids along with the wife.

Or is it that their new relationship(s) take priority over the kids?

Disclaimer - I know this isn't every man but it seems to be true in many cases I have known.

My mum encouraged me and my brother to have regular contact with my dad when he left. I refused to go as soon as I was old enough to, and a few years later so did my brother. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and didn't put much effort into maintaining our relationship.

I sometimes wonder what he thinks about us, does he love us, does he feel any sense of guilt about how he treated us?

He spread awful lies about my mum so we had to move to a new area, and he told people she was the one who'd stopped us seeing him (which was untrue). I can imagine there are people out there who think my mum is a manipulative ex wife who didn't allow her children to see their dad.

Like others have said, tons of dads have almost nothing to do with their kids anyway. My dad is clueless. He has bought me a present, he has no idea how old I am, what I studied at university...as a child, he never played with us, took us to school, or did anything around the house. I see that reflected in so many threads here. So I'm pretty sure that there's not much of a relationship to preserve really, after divorce.

Exh has no contact at all with DD n hasn't done for a number of years despite her writing a heartbreaking letter to him pleading for contact. He got it n he ignored it. Bastard.

His new girlfriend makes it hard for him as is insecure n jealous (yes of a child, how tragic) but it is no excuse - no man alive would be able to make me let my children down. Brad Pitt could knock on the front door n he'd be told to knock back later if I was doing an activity with my kids!

I think some people think the kids will always just be there when/if they want to see them? They tell themselves they'll just get sorted with the new flat, girlfriend, etc n then they'll resume contact. Weeks turn in to months n then years. I can c how that rolls but still scratch my head when the most seemingly dedicated dads do it.

What I don't n can't understand is how that absence wouldn't hurt beyond belief. I miss my kids whenever we're apart n could never imagine not seeing them for even a few days never mind months.

People r strange, yanbu.

From the other side of the fence, DP's dad stepped up and took a very active part in his DC's lives when both the parents got divorced.

DP has a much closer relationship with his dad then he does his mum (which is close), but his dad actively arranges to meet up with him and invites him to things, and calls him just for a chat. DP's dad is re-married, but he hadn't (as far as I can see) stopped caring for his older children and is actively attempting to maintain ties.
DP's mum is usually very busy, and DP is the one who actively stays in touch with her otherwise he only hears from her at xmas, and birthdays, I felt a little sorry for him when on mothers day his mum arranged to have lunch with DSIL but not with him and he had been trying to meet her to give her a small gift.

DP and his sister were in their late teens when their parents split.

It does happen, of course it does but I see so often women who make it so hard for them to be a dad because of the resentment or because the father is human and not bloody perfect. I've seen lovely men reduced to shells because of the pain of trying to be a dad and having it thrown in their faces time and time again. In the end they back off got self preservation.

mrsDV2012 that is so sad for your DC. They've not done anything!

Punishing his own children to get at you. Idiot.

I think it's hormonal. Men aren't as hormonally bonded to their children. Women are hormonally tied, in a way, as if their child is actually a part of them.

At least, I assume it is this, as my H's true underlying attitude seems like the children are just lodgers that he pays for, essentially. But then, he's a narc, anyhow. So, apologies for perhaps a jaundiced perspective.

I would have said my dad was amazing until our mother died. He very quickly found someone else, cut himself out of our life's, refused to give me away or even come to my wedding. Had nothing to do with the GC . When there was nothing left to spend/take the new wife left.
Although in later years I saw him and the GC visited etc , the relationship never recovered, I could never forget the feeling of my mother dying and in effect my father dumping us.
I have no idea why a lot of men do this but I've seen it happen so many times, IMHO, more men seem to be able to walk away and never look back , than stay and be a good parent.
"Men are from Mars etc etc"

My parents split when I was seven, we left because my dad was violent to my mum (which I didn't know about till I was much older). Despite this, she always encouraged contact, we used to go to him every other weekend. We always had loads of fun and adventures, until he used to just sit us at a table in a pub while he had a drink with his friends. When I was 10 one weekend he just never came to pick us up, and I never saw him again. I have no idea how you could just do that, never see your child again.

I've been contacted by his relatives about four times over the years asking me to contact him because he loves us and misses us, but it speaks volumes to me that he's never made the effort himself.

If Dads get custody or joint custody then the relationship can be maintained. It is almost impossible, especially when the kids are a bit older and have their own plans and friends, to expect any sort of real relationship to develop when kids are taken out of their routine.

Many friends' kids who couldn't go to birthday parties or school fairs because it was their "weekend with daddy" were then resentful and didn't want to go. Many dads I know who simply couldn't provide a "fun weekend" twice a month as well as well as have any sort of life themselves.

I love my DC and they live with me but weekends I have to shop/cook/clean -and I don't have the money for "days out". They want to see their friends and chill in their rooms - and do homework. If they don't live with you how do you handle that?

I know a lot of dads who want to be a part of the DC s lives - but it inevitably peters out.

An exception is my BiL who lived near to his DD and had her EVERY weekend.

I left my ex-h when Dd1 was 2. He was utterly furious, demanded full contact and threatened to go through the courts to get it. Within six weeks, he'd met someone else who had two small children herself. He rang me one Sunday morning to say he wouldn't be able to see Dd1 anymore, as he "couldn't fit three car seats in the back of his car". He hasn't clapped eyes on Dd1 for fourteen years now, all thanks to an incompatible car seat combination. So much for "full contact"

I think it's a follow on from so many situations we see here. Men can leave the house - storm off in a huff, take off to clear their heads, go on a stag weekend, fail to come home after a night out - and they can do it because they're not the default parent. The mother is there and will go nowhere unless she has sorted proper childcare and they assume and rely on this so they can live as they want. Many men don't even think in those terms. So I guess it's easy to walk away. The option was always there.

I think that's very true ApocalypseThen.

I don't think they lose interest (apart from the bastards who would do that whether they were still living their or not).

I think mostly they give up hope.

There is no doubt that some men are useless and my heart goes out to the DC and adults who are/were abandoned by their fathers.

I just see so many threads on here and in real life where mothers don't want the ex to take the DC away, or to meet people in his life. So many step mothers who don't want their partners children to have a decent room in their home or come on holiday with them or spend Christmas with them. Other mothers who won't let their DC go on playdates at the home of a single father, ostracism and suspicion if a single Dad takes his little girl to a toddler group or a coffee morning.

Essentially the dad is left with very little to play with - and it is hard. The only way I have managed to keep the DC in their dad's life is to have him here and to do things as a family. He sees their rooms, they are not on best behaviour, they can come and go a bit more. They are teens now and do things independently with him but yesterday we all had dinner here so it is no real change in their routine and my DD was able to leave early to meet a friend.

I accept that in many situations this is absolutely not possible though.

I don't understand this either. A family member of mine moved to another country when he got divorced. He sees the child perhaps three times a year (including one or two weeks in the summer). He doesn't agree with the way the child is brought up (mainly by maternal grandmother), but is unable to do anything to change her poor behaviour because he is not there. I don't understand how he can just remove himself from the child's life and reduce himself to a 'Disney dad' when it's clear that his daughter needs him.

What about the dads who not only abandon previous children but really throw themselves into parenting their step children? I know of one who calls his step daughter 'my daughter' gushingly but doesn't see biological children. Another who went on step son's rugby tour but woudn't go on bio son's rugby tour.

Yes there are men who don't give a shit and drop there children like hotvpotatoes when the relationship ends but I have known women to do the same.

I think the biggest problem is that children are seen as commodities by adults - you see it all the time on here. Ffs grow up and be adults - why should children be split in half all the bloody time?! No wonder so many are a mess. They have one birthday and one Christmas end of! Both should be there unless safety says otherwise. My parents split when I was 15 but my siblings were 9 and 3 it was never daddy time or mummy time. Dad often came for tea and we were taken out by dad when we had no parties on. It was flexible to fit with us. My graduation dinner summed it up - mum got drunk with dad's girlfriend with my dad looking on like this

Our situation is the opposite if this! DH and I (and 9yo DD) desperately want to see 14yo DSD but she moved to her mums 2 years ago after living with DH since she was newborn (DHand ex split just after she was born, when she was a baby she stayed with DH).

We and DD have spent fortunes travelling to where they live (80 miles away) and have had the door shut in our face. DSD has returned letters we have sent, changed her mobile number and blocked us on social media.

Her current school gave been in toy face saying that she is in counselling because WE won't see her!
I think in our situation it's all very much on her terms. I understand she is a teenager etc and will prob cone around, but it is very hard being totally cut out of her life.

When relationships break down its a crying shame when children don't see their parents, split families can be a minefield.
As it stands we no longer have any contact and will wait for her to make the next move....

My parents seperated when I was 10 years old, my DD has never lost interest in me or my 2 DB's. He has always been there for us all through thick and thin and never put gf's before us. He has now re-married and has 2 more DC we all get along really well. I think it is either in them or not, my DM had an affair with my DD friend so wasn't like my DD wasn't hurting.
My DH never gave up on his kids either when he seperated from his EXW, went to court and fought for them.

DHs dad stopped seeing them much because their mum told them he didn't want them. Then refused to help make it possible for the 3 of them to go and see him.

She would tell him she'd drive them to him. Tell the kids he had cancelled.

She would tell him the kids had said they didn't want to go. Tell the kids dad had gone out with new wife and her kids.

When DH was early teens she'd drive him to the edge of town and drop him off, 8 miles from his dad's. Tell his dad that she would deliver him to the door.

In between times, whenever she had a new man, she would drive all 3 to their dad's and drop them at the end of the road on Friday evening or early on Saturday morning. She wouldn't tell him they were coming, or collect them again...

Oh, and she was the one who had numerous affairs and then threw him out because he was angry when he found out! She told all 3 kids their dad was a violent man... DH was old enough to know that she was the one who threw things, lashed out.

It isn't always the man's fault. DHs DD never gave up trying to have more contact. Always made room for them in his life, always made sure they knew where he was, phone numbers, bus routes. Always paid for them (way before CSA etc) and sent cards and presents.

Sadly DHs 2 sibs have never had got over what her mum told them as kids. She did try to put it right when they were in their 20s/30s. But it was too late for them to change their minds. So much so that when she died BIL and SIL told everyone they were now orphans!

So, in my experience it really isn't always the man's fault when contact is broken. Sometimes a bitter mum can be the root cause.

MY husband is as bonded to his son as any mother is. He has walked over hot coals to keep access to him, had alsorts of tricks pulled and routines changed. It would have been so easy to drop contact, but he would rather die. So it's not all men. You can't tar them all with one brush.

I have a couple of friends whose husbands had affairs and left them. They have been truly awful to their ex's in regards to access, making it as difficult as possible. When I've tried to say something they just say "well he shouldn't have left us, should he", or words to that effect. One of them moved 500 miles away without a thought, expecting the ex to drive down twice a month and stay in hotels to visit. The other moved in with her parents, who gave her ex such a tongue lashing every time he went to pick her son up that eventually he dropped all contact. Yes her ex was weak and didn't fight hard, but in reality my friend is 50% to blame for the fact that her son never sees his daddy now.

There are a multitude of reasons, but it's always the child that loses out.

Simple - there is no longer anything in it for them.

Before there was a warm home with clean laundry, hot meals oh and sex!

A decent man will care for his children. Men that neglect were never any good. Some men are weak and will stay with a woman they do not love for convenience sake.

I have no respect for men who do not care for their children - all round care too.

Mu husbands father left their family for another woman (and her family) when DH was 14. Ever since he has been more or less absent. Any effort made has been on DHs part.
The thing is that he has been a very good step dad to his new wife's children, (the woman he left with). They are the same ages as DH and his siblings, and he went on to have 2 more children with her and is a very good dad to them and a good granddad.
DH's theory is that he was just overcome with guilt about leaving his children and it was too hard for him to be around them so it was easier for his to just not see them.
I don't know if that's the truth but it could be an explanation.

I don't have a clue. My dad was very much an exception to this rule. He lost custody (of me) back in 1980 (due to a caveman who thought that children should always be with their mothers - even if they'd been absent for the last three years) and appealed. Thankfully he won the appeal.

My DH loves our children with a vengeance and god forbid we should split, he would fight tooth and nail for them. I think. I'm pretty sure.

My SILs husband is a perfect example of it though. Split when the kids were relatively young (about 2 and 5) Moved away. Rare contact. Started a new family and now has no contact with his 'original' children' (other than to send photos of their 'perfect' new sister) Total b**stard.