To wonder why so many men lose interest in their kids when the relationship breaks down?

[dadsnkids]

I am wondering why so many men seem to lose interest in their children and don't even seem to love them any more after their wife eirher dies or they split.

I've seen this so many times from previously so called devoted dads and it makes me wonder if they are devoted to their wives not the children and then fall out of love with the kids along with the wife.

Or is it that their new relationship(s) take priority over the kids?

Disclaimer - I know this isn't every man but it seems to be true in many cases I have known.

I was married to XH for 15 years. We had 3 DDs. He was enthusiastic about trying for them. Saw them all born. Had paternity leave when they were new ect. Then developed into an absent minded parent. Never bothered with the nitty gritty of their lives. More interested in his hobby.

Youngest was 8 when we split up. He wanted 50/50, i said yes of course. How long did that last? Zero amount of time. Did i ever stop him from seeing them? No. 10 years on he's an afterthought in their lives - he's nothing to them - and that's what he deserves. We reap what we sow.

I've known a few men do this, it's so cold and why/how can you stop caring for a child? I've thought about it a lot because it's such a strange phenomenon - I wonder if DH and I broke up he's interest in the DC would disappear. Also has anyone else noticed how if a man follows football they keep the same team throughout their lives yet often get through two or even three families?

In my case it was my step mum who did it, I have no doubt if he had met a nicer more decent human then he would have been better.

You shouldn't need another person to be responsible for your conscience. If your dad had really wanted to see you he would have done, no decent father gives up on seeing his children because of another person.

I've actually always been closer to my dad. Daddy's girl growing up, he was the parent who quit work when i was 16 to become my full time carer (and a year later, my sisters too)
My mum died in 2010 my dad was suicidal after her death but stuck around because me and sis needed him. He does absolutely EVERYTHING for us, day or night. He'll take me out to a 24 hour supermarket at 3am because it might be the only time in days i've been in a situation im comfortable and able to leave the house. He will drop absolutely anything, me and sis come first, he'll even drop visiting his girlfriend or going out places alone of me or sis want to do something, he's incredible.

It makes me incredibly sad for all the kids out there who didnt get an absolutely devoted father, because i wouldn't be here without him, and he's never complained once.

Haven't rtft, but this is something I've thought about before. I wonder if it's another example of mental load, and not realising how much work goes into a parent/child relationship.

For example, in my family, although dh does loads, it's me who has to think about birthdays (presents, cards, cake, the whole shebang) and Christmas, it's me who deals with all the school stuff, things like that.
I can see how when there's a split, a man may think he's doing everything as normal but it's not really enough. I can think of several examples where father and children have drifted apart, and this split in mental load explains why in most cases, or they do the whole Disney dad thing, which again, isn't a substitute for a real warts and all relationship.

It actually baffles him when people say "so many fathers would have left their wife when she had 2 disabled kids" or that he quit his job to be our carer, or that he does everything for us (me especially, i can't do my own cooking, washing, cleaning etc so he does it all) and he just looks at them and says "But i'm their dad, i.i wanted them, it's my job to take care of them, why would i have ever walked out or loved them less because they are disabled?"

My brother had an acrimonious split from his ex. He pays, he has his son around 50% of the time. He has to accept his days / times/ terms changing all the time. He takes dogs abuse off her when she's struggling with whatever is vexing her that day. His ex has threatened all sorts, to keep his son away from him when he can't comply with her demands ( such as drop him off at 11 on work day so she can have a lie in) and blames him for every last thing. She basically uses him as a whipping boy. My brother is so scared of losing his son he puts up with more than I would. At the lowest points he's questioned should he walk away. He's not going to walk away, but it's a tough ride. Whilst I think his ex is hopefully a rare and difficult type, it does make me aware of the other side of the coin.

He wasn't a devoted father though, he was being your parent.

Many men are taught to detach from their emotions when they are children, become emotionally avoidant as a result, and so find it easier to cut off completely than to deal with the difficult emotional consequences of separation. Many other reasons of course, but I didn't see this one mentioned.

Lot's of women put up with shit from their exes. It doesn't make them think, I'll walk away from this though. They put up with it.

Most men know exactly what's required to be a parent. Of those, some will indeed take the easy route and allow the wife to do everything. When the shit hits the fan, those types run.

my mil freely admits that she told her ex husbands to stay away when they divorced and she chuckles at how hard she made it for him to have contact.

"Flame away but I think it boils down to women are better people for the most part.

Men are selfish and self serving. Most are incapable of putting a child before themselves."

I'm sorry for your experience, but that is utter rubbish. There are plenty of people who are shit and plenty of people who place their children first of both sexes.

I've known precious few people who would put themselves before DC, I can think of some and funnily enough all but one of them are women. The difference there is not one of sex, it is between people who put themselves before DC, and people who don't.

Obviously we wouldn't be having this conversation if all was well with the world.

How many conversations are started on Mumsnet with I've left my children in the care of my ex who I disliked so much, I had an affair to leave her, but I think of the children dearly and contribute to their well being in that I give them money. I rarely see them but text daily. I'm a great dad. PS The cleaning of the toilet was not my domain.

All the men in my family are the sort that are very close to their children, regardless. My grandad was a widower before he met my grandmother and had three children from his first marriage. He dotes on all of his children, grandchildren and great-grands. My brother's wife left him and he could have taken custody of their DD but his ex pleaded with him not to, so they share joint custody. His DD is really and truly his world. So, no, not all men are like this. :)

My own dad left and never looked back. My stepdad blows hot and cold but has never met his own DD. I worry a lot about DH leaving though we are mostly happy.
I wonder if sometimes dad's find it hard to bond with babies. DH is brilliant with DD but often she is tired and grumpy when he gets home from work and is clingy to me. I wonder how I would feel the other way round? Also when I was breastfeeding he felt quite helpless especially when I spent hours in the bedroom clusterfeeding. I think it would be easy to feel sidelined then?

Its a spectrum

On one end men are arseholes and don't care, on the other women are arseholes and try to get rid of/delete their ex.

I await flaming for the second part of that sentence.

Ex nagged & pressurised for months to have a child, I was v reluctant as all our finances were based on my earnings - he was only doing volunteer work. Agreed that when he got a proper job we'd consider it.
Contraception failed but he "forgot" to tell me & I became pregnant.

We had twins.

He still hadn't got a job when they were born.
His mother behaved absolutely appallingly when we went home from hospital (how I wish MN had been around then).
He didn't get a job, did nothing (& I mean NOTHING) with the children he had begged me to have for months.
I had to return to work early from maternity leave as we were running out of money but still had to put my Abbie's into childcare because he refused to look after them.

Suffice to say he is my ex, I saw the light & left him & moved 2 hrs away for a better job closer to my family.

He came to see the children 3 times & has never paid a penny in maintenance.
They will be 14 inSept & last saw him when they were 2.

This thread makes me feel so sad.
I think it is true for many men.
I see it as my role to facilitate the relationship with DSS and his dad.

I don't really have any personal experience of this but am wondering, what about the grandparents? I probably could see DH being a bit of a Disney Dad (to start with at least, hopefully he'd step up) but his parents are obsessed with our son and even if DH and I separated they would want to be involved in his life and his wellbeing.

Do the parents of the blokes who have buggered off, do they just disappear too?

ThereMustBe what about the grandparents?

The short version is:
ExMIL made it clear from the start she disliked me. I was polite & smiled on through as they lived 3 hrs away so we didn't see them a lot.

Twins were born. Early. 2weeks in hospital. Everyone visits.
Made it VERY clear we wanted to go home and have some peace & quiet & get to used to our new life with twins alone.
My family (also 3 hrs away, in a different direction) were very understanding- call any time if you want us to come up help.

We leave hospital & go home
Arrive & MIL opens front door to us, we've come to stay.
I'm furious
Go in & take babies to nursery I've carefully designed & planned in our second bedroom (nicer & larger room than 3rd bed) to find that everything had been pushed any old how into the 3rd bedroom & the spare bedroom bed reinstated for them to use.
3rd bed had 2 single beds in it.

I went ballistic
Shut myself & babies in our bedroom
Demanded they reinstate nursery
Pretty well threw them out of our house
Was weeping & angry on the phone to my Mum & Dad
The fact that ex allowed them to do this was a huge issue with me.

MIL openly rejoiced about our relationship ending. I wouldn't let my lovely children near that poisonous cow for anything.

Deffon I'm sorry but you're so naive.

It's nearly always the men - check out the actual figures about single parents from charities such as Gingerbread and the staggering amounts owed in child support.

The vast majority by far of feckless selfish deadbeat parents are male.

*Flame away but I think it boils down to women are better people for the most part.

Men are selfish and self serving. Most are incapable of putting a child before themselves.*

That's complete crap. My DM died and my DF raised three girls single handed. He was amazingly hands on, always there for us, did a fantastic job and is now an incredible and hands on GF to our kids. He wasn't an exception either - I know a number of other single dads. I know several who became the RP after a divorce, and I know a couple of widowers. I also know some fab NRP dads or dads with 50/50 custody.

I think threads like this and other threads written by desperate single mothers because this feels like a safe place to vent really skews the perceptions. I am pretty sure the decent dads outweigh the bad. It's just that not a lot of people post on forums saying 'yeah, my ex is great'.

I don't understand it. My bio F is one of these that goes around having kids and some are 'lucky' enough to be bothered about and others aren't.

It works the other of course too - I still have the letter given to me by SW - I written declaration by my bio mother she wanted shot of me.

The mind boggles.