To wonder why so many men lose interest in their kids when the relationship breaks down?

[dadsnkids]

I am wondering why so many men seem to lose interest in their children and don't even seem to love them any more after their wife eirher dies or they split.

I've seen this so many times from previously so called devoted dads and it makes me wonder if they are devoted to their wives not the children and then fall out of love with the kids along with the wife.

Or is it that their new relationship(s) take priority over the kids?

Disclaimer - I know this isn't every man but it seems to be true in many cases I have known.

Some dads are in an impossible situation, I've seen it with my own eyes. Kids are expected to report back everything but are made to feel bad when they enjoy something. I know so many men are crap and lazy but the advise they get is horrible too.

SS told my dp that it was probably better he stop contacting exw, after contacted them because his DD wasn't being looked after. Exw said it was because the DD was split between two life's (don't know how that stops you putting on pants exactly) so he stopped contact until exw feels more in control. We're still waiting.

I was 13 when my mum left, and almost never saw me again until I was an adult, so it's not just "men", but equally it's not really just about the adult not wanting to, the child can also not be interested.

In my ex's case, it was the difficulty of managing the five on his own without me there (although he had no problem leaving me to manage them all solo even when we were married).

When he did have them (one week in school summer holidays for a while, until that stopped too because it was 'too difficult') everyone used to tell him how terrific he was and 'how ever do you manage?' and stopped to help him out with them. No bugger ever helped me, all those years on my own with them!

In my case it was my step mum who did it, I have no doubt if he had met a nicer more decent human then he would have been better.

My own father walked out on my mother, leaving her with 6 DC and without a penny (homeless as well as she had to leave forces married quarters) and then abandoned us completely as my mother made it 'too hard' for him to see us - - or pay maintenance--, as understandably she was a tad bitter. He maintains that he was a hands on dad to us until he left. I believe in his neanderthal brain, he regarded us as extensions of my mother and as his relationship with her was over, so it was with us.

What amazes me is seeing his 40+ STEPdaughter from his subsequent marriage who, he obviously supported and provided for, gush about her wonderful 'dadsy' on Facebook, how close they are etc, what he did for her birthday.

I wonder often how he can live with himself but I doubt it even occurs to him.

My ex partner is probably better now we aren't together . He spends more quality time with the kids , when we lived together it was all down to me. I think it's awful dads can leave their kids lives so easily.

I knew a man whose wife, the big epic love of his life, died and he ended up leaving the children with his parents as he went off the rails, then decided to leave them there. I don't think he did it because he did not love them - he felt he was not capable of being any kind of good loving parent. NOT unprepared to try, or unconcerned about them, or more concerned with his own feelings - it just wasn't there and would have led to terrible disaster for their welfare if he had tried to muddle on through.

He lived apart from his children for a time, then he just left, I haven't seen him since he did.

This is actually something that worries me if DH and I ever split up. At the moment he's a pretty good dad to our toddler and soon to be newborn, I say pretty good because he's generally lazy and this spreads a bit to the day to day nitty gritty child rearing. However, he's not selfish and will give his last penny or breath for DD. DD is the first person he thinks of and he misses her terribly whilst at work, the opposite to exH and my elder 2 children!

I have seen so many dads adopt an out of sight, out of mind kind of attitude when the relationship breaks up. ExH is exactly like that, if it's not super easy for him to see the kids then he's just not that bothered! When we lived around the corner from him, he would make so much more effort to see them and spend time with them.

My friend's husband said he would never see the children again if they split up. They are still together. He used emotional blackmail to keep the marriage (or the sham of marriage) together. They are putting on a 25 years of celebration party. Organised by my friend, obviously. There is too much money involved to have a successful split. It would be incredibly messy, but she always says that once her son is gone from the house, she will leave. Unfortunately, her second DD has come back home (and really is unlikely to leave for the time being, as she has mental health problems).

My ex rarely sees his children by me. They, him and his partner, go through the motions but his children by her are now his priority (they are twins with SNs, so it's good to see for now, but I do wonder how long he will stay - his son also has SNs.)

At least he gives them money, which is good. He's also never lost touch. But I don't think a short text each night to your child is good enough.

It's sad and it happens. Men can leave because they usually (not always) have the better job and more money.

On the divorce thing, the bond is not the same between each person and their children so it's hard to generalize, but for me it seems really more about not getting custody than anything else, because I have seen this from both sexes.

I think if you are the person who doesn't get custody you may feel effectively expelled from the family unit like an unwanted foreign body, and the state giving the thumbs up to your expulsion probably doesn't help. Eventually some people will stop trying to chase approval or involvement, get the message and try to move on with your lives. Being severed from your children is unimaginably painful, so there is a motive not to revisit the situation.

With my DF he left my mother with three teenagers in a foreign country. And then moved to yet another country even further away. Largely because he could. He was bemused that my siblings and I don't have much of a relationship with him despite this. He has a lovely wife now and is beginning to appreciate what he missed.

FiL more or less "replaced" his DC with two much younger and less stroppy step children. DH was 12 and not amused with being presented to his "new" sisters and mother, so that all broke down v v fast.

It happens the other way around as well. I know a stay at home dad who split with 'devoted' mother when DC was 2. He became the residential parent and the mum very quickly moved on with her life seeing DC three times a year mainly so her family could see the child.

It seems she started resenting the dad because she had to pay support to him, she them didn't like the way DC was being raised, the clothes he was wearing, the way DC loved the dad more than her (her perception), the school he went to (it was near his house rather than hers). Basically she hated the dad and every influence he had on DC. In the end she started to resent the DC as well and it became easier to pull away from the whole situation.

Maybe co-parenting when separated is against human nature.

I agree with some previous posters. I think a lot of men would be perfectly happy not to have children at all. They have them because their partner/wife wants them and it's almost the "expected price to pay"

Agree with ShatnersWig

Society is to blame because it discourages men from true equal parenting. Maternal gatekeeping happens in most relationships. On MN, I've seen entire threads defending as perfectly acceptable a mum who refused to let her DH be alone with their children for the first 3 years. Any maternal anxiety is law.

But then men become minor backup caretakers. They are simply not that bonded to their children.

You can't insist throughout an entire relationship that "mum knows best" and that "men don't love children like women do because they didn't carry them for 9 months" and then be surprised when they actually believe you!

My dad got custody of us (teenagers) after the split. But his new wife doesn't like me so neither does he anymore.

Still sees my brother at least weekly though, and has an amazing relationship with brothers daughter.

Doesn't really add much to the converstaion sorry, but its one of those unacknowledged truths that is nice to say out loud every now and again even when it makes you sad. For a long time i had hoped it was all in my head, but im not the only one who has noticed apparently.

I think there is a huge problem with new partners and their expectations of step parenting as well.

I had a school friend whose mother was killed in a horrible accident. Her father had remarried within 6 months and my friend left school at the end of that academic year to go to boarding school as her father and new wife were moving abroad for work. She said she'd spent every Christmas and Easter at school or with school friends because it was too far to travel and was sent to camp for the summer.

Another friend's mum died when she was in her early 20s and her dad remarried within a year, My friend wasn't allowed to stay in his house and could only visit for two hours or less as otherwise it was too stressful. My friend and her dad now meet for lunch so long as his new wife doesn't know about it.

I think there are possibly some step-parents who have unrealistic expectations of what it would be like, and find it very difficult to take on someone else's children from a previous relationship. For the sake of an easy life, the dad then gives up on his other children.

Just to add that IME it's not that the courts automatically award residency to one parent, there's another level in there before it gets to that.

I believe (happy to be corrected) that the starting point is 50/50 HOWEVER this is dependent on both parents having done 50/50 care up until that point. It's generally thought to be best to maintain the status quo in terms of primary carer, particularly if the children are younger. If the mother has done 90%+ of the childcare up until that point, the courts will proceed on that basis.

I agree that the shift in this is needed at a more fundamental societal level with 50/50 being the expected care model. Both parents should be prepared to work more/ less accordingly to facilitate that 50/50 care and also to share the care care of the children on that basis. Then I think we would see more 50/50 residency arrangements which would hopefully resolve some of these situations where the NRP feels pushed out.

For the ones that wouldn't step up unless the whole thing was on their terms or don't bother when a new partner comes on the scene I'm not sure what the answer is.

My dad is only lightly interested in me and what I do, if my mum wasn't there I'm not sure how bothered he be about maintaining contact. My XH was only vaguely interested in DS before we split and has maintained that, he phones once a week and sees him once a month or once every two months. But we split up when DS was very young so that's all hes ever known. Fortunately DH does all the day-to-day parenting and is much more engaged, although even there I've had to set expectations that it's 50/50 or nothing (older and wiser this time!). DH's dad was also of the interested but not overly bothered in the nitty gritty of actual parenting approach and so I think DH would naturally have done if I hadn't been clear that it would not be what I would want in a relationship.

Both parents should be prepared to work more/ less accordingly to facilitate that 50/50 care

I agree, but how is that possible when by act of nature women make the choice to continue (or not) the pregnancy, carry the baby in the womb for nine months, give birth to the child, make the choice to breastfeed (if its possible) and can then claim to have a 'bond' no man will ever have.

I've seen this lots of times too, it's just another reason why I have no understanding of men at all and now I'm 55 I can't be bothered with them at all.

PS I wrote that comment having just read about Svitolina saying, women would beat some men at tennis because they can give birth to a child.

Flame away but I think it boils down to women are better people for the most part.

Men are selfish and self serving. Most are incapable of putting a child before themselves.

My ex abandoned our dc overnight. Dd is disabled and he couldn't give a fuck if she starved to death.

Deadbeat fathers are absolute scum.

But that's the thing Barbarian. I had a good 20 year marriage under my belt before he changed.

It's the people you least expect.

Can I also add that I know of a man who left his partner when her brain tumour returned. He left to live with someone else and declared he was stepfather to her children to get out of the responsibility. When she died he explicitly said he and his new partner didn't want the children. I was shocked at this. His children should be always his responsibility, but there is no forcing on the parent who leaves should it all go belly up. Thankfully her children were all looked after by relatives. So sad that a parent can behave like this.

XH was only interested in one of his DC. He doted on her shamelessly, while kidding himself that nobody could see his favouritism when it was apparent to everyone.

He pretty much dumped the favourite DD when she had the temerity to grow up and have a child of her own. And I doubt he would be able to tell you the names of his DGDs. I really don't understand it.