To think I shouldn't have to live off cereal?

[dontrunwithscissors]

DH was made redundant a week ago. For a number of reasons, we've agreed that he will be a SAHP for a year. We can afford to do this, providing we're careful with what we spend.

DH set a food budget of £70 per week to feed the two of us and 2 DD's (5&8). We used to spend a lot more than that (no idea how much) due to the fact we were both running around like headless chickens trying to juggle 2 FT jobs and all the other family stuff.

We've hit £72 so far this week on food and other stuff (bleach, toiletries, toilet roll). I believe we need to increase the budget, and/or exclude non-food items. I've been ill this week so have lived off cereal and fruit--I've only had 2 hot meals. The schools closed for the summer holidays on Friday (in Scotland), so we will need more food for them.

So yesterday, I told him that if we've only just managed to survive this week, we need to increase the budget to £80. We can afford this--we're not so poor to have to skimp on food. DH told me that we will just have to manage. He did this while pulling out a steak pie from the freezer to eat for himself. (I had cereal and the kids had pizza.) I was really pissed and told him that if that was the case, he should put the sodding pie away and feed himself cereal.

When he was made redundant, we agreed he would take on the responsibility for budgeting. However, I believe that if we can't feed ourselves properly, we should eliminate something else from the budget (mobile phone contract or 2nd car). SO, AIBU?

£70 is doable as you say. But you need to have a family meal which you either all eat together or a portion is put aside for you to eat later. That way meal planning is easier and savings are maximised.
It's not as though you need to criticise DH or "have it out" or anything, you just both need to learn new habits and talking about that is sensible. Maybe sweeten the message by including a night when the children eat early and you have a meal together as a couple after the children are in bed.

I'd forgotten that we used to plan meals with just DD1. She used to scoff down my homemade fish cakes.

Then things slowly fell appart after DD2 and we got stuck in a rut. We talked about DH being a SAHP or working PT, but by then we had overcommitted on our mortgage, we were in negative equity, and trapped.

I'm very grateful for the practical suggestions. It's a big adjustment, but we're already seeing the benefits. The kids seem so much happier, we've actually had time to play etc. It's feels a bit weird after so much chaos.

Could you just say something like 'I've been reading online about living on a budget. There are lots of suggestions about meal planning and easy cheap meals. Do you want to have a look into it together?' That way you aren't really saying what he has done is rubbish, or that you would be better at it, just that there are other resources that could help.

It sounds like you have been through a lot together and need to realise that you have survived quite a lot of shit already. You will get through this too. Be encouraging to him. Tell him that you are grateful for all his support so that you can focus on your career. Or tell him that you are proud of him for rising to the challenge of being a SAHP. Try to find the good things to praise.

I hope I don't come across as patronising. I by no means have all my shit together. We have had to live on a very tight budget and it is hard. You have to work together so as not to become resentful at what you don't/can't have.

OP, I think some posters have given you an unnecessarily hard tome here, but perhaps caught up in x-posting too.

You and your DH have been going through the mill. Now is a period of adjustment.

With regard to not undermining him, would he sit down together with you to meal plan for the family? Then you would know what to buy in an online order (stops temptation when in the supermarket). Have it agreed together. He will know then what he needs to get out for each day, what to do with it etc. and might still feel he has it licked.

Well I feed 6 of us soon enough there will be 7 of us and if mum and dad move in next year that will be 9 in our family.

At the moment I'm managing on £60 a week. However when we have our big wage once every two/four months we take £50 to go to the butchers and buy a meat pack I split it into 2oz portions and freeze it. Then we use another £50 and from that go to Costco bulk buy on flour, loo roll, wipes, filled pasta, cheese, bread also portioned split and frozen or stored.

But that needs to last me our low months so 4 months I know I've got the basics.

My £60 covers meal add ons. Sometimes it's hard but we manage.

This whole thread is a bit odd. £70 pw should be plenty for 4, you both need to learn to cook. It might take a few wks, but he will get used to it. I would take the cereal comment as a joke, especially if there is other food around. Just support him a bit and send him a link to mysupermarket. You seem to think that 70 is a small budget, it sounds quite reasonable to me.

I understand what you mean about pushing for better standards without insulting him. I would start by taking his 70 pound limit seriously. Say that you posted for advice and this is what was suggested to make his plan work. Should we try it? Maybe we can even get the bill lower...

No, not patronising goulash. Helpful. The more I write on here, the more I realise how shell shocked we are. The question of eating cereal speaks to much, much larger questions of how to balance work and life. The relief of having DH take care of kid-related stuff is immense. (DD2 had hearing problems and speech delay and still has a lot of doc appointments.). I guess we have to figure out other stuff now. It can't be any worse than the last few years. It's heartening to hear how much other people can manage on. We weren't sure how well we could manage on just my wage, but I think we can actually be quite well off with DH having the time to shop etc.

The problem is entirely your/your DH's cooking. But it doesn't sound like he's prepared to put the hard work and planning into cooking on a budget. I do batch meals and then freeze. No ready prepared stuff. Lots of tasty dishes that boil down to mince/pulses with pasta/rice.

I think the advice about doing a meal plan together is a good one. Look up recipes and print them out together, so he has something to work from. Start with simple things and then try new or more tricky things now and again. It is all trial and error, but if you do the planning together then maybe DH won't feel so alone with it all. He can then do the shopping and the cooking.

Saturn, we are relearning/remembering all this stuff and the suggestions are really helpful places to start. I think DH is ready to make changes--we are just figuring out what the changes are in the first places.

You've come out of a really stressful, horrible period, it will take time to get into a new routine but it sounds like you've made the best decision for you all.

I expect you'll laugh about the cereal episode, in years to come.

I'd recommend Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food cookbook; it is simple, easy family meals for a budget and it might help him to have that to work from. You could both pick a week's worth of meals from it together, shop accordingly and he can get the hang of some basic cooking. If it's only been a week, it will take a bit of time to adjust and develop routines. I don't think you suggesting this would be undermining him, just making decisions about budget and diet together for the family, which is sensible.

Mind some ready meals are affordable.

As it's Sunday and a treat lunch today I made, well prepared pasta bake and chips with mixed beans

So tortellini £1.50
Chips big bag portioned works out at 30p
Tin of tomatoes 35p
Portion of cheese 50p
Herb paste 25p
Mixed beans 20p
Veggie sausages £1.00

Fed me and four dc. So rough estimate our treat meal cost £4

Tomorrows lunch is going to be fish. I'm not sure what I'm making yet but tesco value fish is brilliant and really cheap £1.70 for 520g.

I might do a veg bake with fish on the side, served with bread.

I think fruit is our biggest expense. I also think it does take a long while to change your view on food. Especially if you've been used to a higher budget and different food, I normally make paneer or egg curries now or dals over meat as it's so much cheaper but it took awhile for me to work this out.

I must also add that batch prep isn't scary most things I batch freeze are raw and then I defrost them and slow cook them or pan cook them depending on my free time.

Your dh will get there but it could take some time and some finessing.

Right - I think you need more than meal planning but it's a good place to start.

Whiteboard - in kitchen.

Four columns

For the day - start the day after your regular shopping day. Do it together before you go shopping.

Day of the week.....meals..........................activities........shopping needed
sat........................what you will eat..........what you do...what you need
sun
mon
tue
wed
thurs
fri

It means you can go through the cupboards and just buy what you need...you can add on things like satsumas for after swimming [for example] to the shopping list and everyone knows what everyone is doing!

Right. In terms of the Bipolar, have you thought about applying for disability benefits (PIP)? With regular hospital stays, it sounds like you might qualify and that would give you some extra breathing space. www.gov.uk/pip/overview
Other than that, are you under CMHT? They can offer support for things like cooking and budgeting. It might be worth asking your CPN, if you have one. i hope things get better for you , I know how difficult mental health issues can be.

Thanks unweaved. I have a wonderful CPN and pdoc. My CPN mentioned PIP a few times because my DH was having to take time off unpaid to cope and we had to pay for additional childcare when I was ill. However, having read about how people are treated during the assessment process & many being rejected for conditions much worse than mine, I decided against applying. We didn't really need the money at the time.

I really don't know whether I stand a cat in hell's chance of qualifying. Outside of episodes, I work FT as an academic and travel all over, including internationally. Ironically, I believe that DH not working will mean I wont relapse any where near as often/badly. It was the stress and working on a night/weekend to make up lost time that was tipping me over the edge.

Another thing worth looking into is the marriage allowance.

www.gov.uk/marriage-allowance-guide

Unless you are s higher rate tax payer, DH could transfer £1060 of his pre tax earning allowance to you. It doesn't make a massive difference but is an extra £212 a year.

Your husband is a cock

I'm tended to agree with this. If anyone's gonna be eating cereal - and I'm not saying anyone should - it should be him.

He's the one in charge of the budget and shopping. If he doesn't want to eat cereal, shop wiser or budget better. Simples.

I don't think your husband is a cock. I think as a couple you've had a hell of a lot to deal with over the past few years, and his redundancy and change to SAHP is a big change and he will need some time to adjust. It's only been a week!

He set a budget which looks like it's not going to be realistic, you think you can afford to spend more.........perhaps it would be better for him to work to a monthly budget (say £400 give or take a bit) then if some weeks are cheaper than others it'll all pan out. Do you live near a market/good grocers etc? He might find it cheaper to shop there for fresh items, and do a once a week supermarket sweep for the rest.

.....was also going to say (interrupted by dcs) that there is a mine of frugal/easy to cook recipes online. This is something he could be looking at, and working out a meal plan. I do agree with other posters that you should aim to all eat together, and many meals such as bolognaise, shepherds pie, pasta dishes are relatively easy to prepare once you've got the basic recipes under your belt, and can be made in bulk so eat half/freeze half for later.

I hope he manages to get into his groove OP and this is the start of an easier life for you all.

Go to an advice agency and get them to help you apply for pip.

I honestly hate threads like this though. You get the 'we make a chicken last 5 days' brigade out in force bragging about how few pennies feed their families. IME £70 pwk for a family of 4 is a pittance. Lots of normal people easily spend that pppw and I'm not talking about Waitrose shoppers.

If you have a crap diet you'll feel like crap. Food isn't an area to economise on before other things that aren't actually essential for well being esp for DCs who feel the long term effects of a poor diet.

athena it's perfectly possible to eat healthily on that amount (or less). It doesn't mean a poor diet. As for spending that amount per person - really?

Really Athena? We don't scrimp on the weekly shop and manage to spend £50 per week including nappies. £70 per person per week? How much are you eating?

Noeffingidea

The kind of diets people post on these threads are low iron, low calcium, low 'good' fats and low good quality protein.

They also tend to very unethical eg battery eggs.

We'd really struggle to keep to £400pcm let alone any less.