To think I shouldn't have to live off cereal?

[dontrunwithscissors]

DH was made redundant a week ago. For a number of reasons, we've agreed that he will be a SAHP for a year. We can afford to do this, providing we're careful with what we spend.

DH set a food budget of £70 per week to feed the two of us and 2 DD's (5&8). We used to spend a lot more than that (no idea how much) due to the fact we were both running around like headless chickens trying to juggle 2 FT jobs and all the other family stuff.

We've hit £72 so far this week on food and other stuff (bleach, toiletries, toilet roll). I believe we need to increase the budget, and/or exclude non-food items. I've been ill this week so have lived off cereal and fruit--I've only had 2 hot meals. The schools closed for the summer holidays on Friday (in Scotland), so we will need more food for them.

So yesterday, I told him that if we've only just managed to survive this week, we need to increase the budget to £80. We can afford this--we're not so poor to have to skimp on food. DH told me that we will just have to manage. He did this while pulling out a steak pie from the freezer to eat for himself. (I had cereal and the kids had pizza.) I was really pissed and told him that if that was the case, he should put the sodding pie away and feed himself cereal.

When he was made redundant, we agreed he would take on the responsibility for budgeting. However, I believe that if we can't feed ourselves properly, we should eliminate something else from the budget (mobile phone contract or 2nd car). SO, AIBU?

PS thanks for the suggestion. I can't ever imagine him cooking a pie from scratch. (And in fairness, I can't see myself doing it, either). We're both utterly useless when it comes to cooking.

I feel stuck between not wanting to dictate how he shops and spends money, to feeling like he needs to think a bit more carefully (maybe learning how to cook stuff) about what/how we eat.

He's still in shock/depressed about being made redundant and a bit low about being short of money. I don't want to put the boot in and perhaps I need to just give him a bit of time to adjust to his new way of life. But then I feel just a bi pissed at sitting there with my Bran Flakes!

Was there genuinely no other food for you to eat? No pasta, no frozen food, no eggs and beans on toast? If there was then why not make that. If not then I would be going through the receipts to see what he spent £70 on.

If he is the one doing the food shopping do you know that he is choosing the best value? Perhaps you both need to go.

Branflakes are a depressing food stuff anyhow. Stop buying it! It's punishment food....

I don't enjoy cooking op nor am I very good at it. I've had to learn though as we're on a tight budget and dh (who is a great cook) works long hours and isn't home in time to prepare meals.

The biggest problem here is that you both need to be organised. You're all eating different meals which suggests that a budget was set but no real thought went Into meal planning & shopping accordingly.

Meal plans are essential if you want to stick to a budget. Here's a big tip for saving money SHOP MONTLY! We did this when I was on maternity leave and the savings are amazing so good that I went PT. I spent £250 a month on everything &
We ate very well.

Secondly shop on line
Buy in bulk - rice/ pasta/frozen veg etc

Shop with a supermarket that gives rewards/tokens. Then redeem them; I save mine until Christmas (triple points) then turn them I to presents for the kids, I got my DD an iPod.

Use budget/cheaper brands they really are just as good (except the bread, it's usually rubbish)

I've got so good at this it actually makes me proud that I don't waste money. We never have to through out food because it's gone bad.

You need to all be eating the same thing. So he cooks a meal and saves you a plate for when you get home if he's feeding the girls earlier.
That means you all get a day of pie and all get a day of beans on toast if that is what the budget dictates.

There was food available last night---it's not that I'm going to sit there forever and just eat cereal because DH has told me to. (I told him to put his pie away and eat cereal himself.) It's about the larger question of a) living off £70 per week and whether that's reasonable; b) how much space to give him when he's finding his feet and recovering from redundancy. I felt a bit bad snapping at him last night because he is trying his hardest. He's from a rather disfunctional family. He had no idea, for example, that most people consider a bedtime story and eating together as a family quite normal.

In fact, he once told me that I was weird for wanting to eat at 8am/1pm/5pm. It seems his parents fed him and his brother at random times and not always regular meals.

If you get home by 6pm, why are you not all eating together? Dc can have a snack after nursery/school, some fruit or veg&dips, etc. And you all plan to sit down to dinner at 6.30.
Dh is staying at home to look after the family. You are part of the family! If he is cooking for the family, he needs to shop and cook for you, too. Obviously you should pitch in and help (do dishes? Clean kitchen? Help prepare what you can?) But he needs to accept that he is responsible for your food, too

£70 should be enough to feed everyone BUT he's doing a shit job of it.

He needs to either start feeding his wife properly on the £70, by meal planning OR he needs to up the budget so he can continue to buy lots of different meals like he is now.

I feel really sorry for you OP and to be honest if he carries on saying things such as "you're cheap to feed" I'd be buying my own food and cancelling something like sky sports or similar

It's not your budgeting or meal planning that's really the problem but the fact you are not eating as a whole family. What's with the idea that he cooks for himself and you cook for you and the kids. If you are home first you should have the courtesy to cook for everyone in the household

I do most of the cooking in my household and while I might do something different for the kids if we are having something spicy the adults always have the same. Doing 3 different meals is a waste of time and money. Make a weekly meal plan where a meal is suitable for all

OP, I'm sorry about the redundancy it must be a shock for your husband but you're coming across as extremely meek here, subservient almost. Why are you doing that?

If you're eating cereal because you're not well then fine, I do that myself. I wouldn't though martyr myself on a forum and say "he's told me to carry on eating cereal...". There is no need for you to eat cereal if there's food in the freezer and I think you're being a bit disingenuous there. All it will do is derail your thread.

You both need to sort out meal plans for your family and, if he's going to be the SAHP for now it makes sense for him to shop and cook for his family. What doesn't make sense is for you to divest yourself of any responsibility for this and just meekly wail, "he wants me to carry on with cereal".

Don't be wet, sit down together and work out the meal plan, who is going to shop for the food and who will cook the meals.

But op, he's an adult with children of his own. There comes a point when you look beyond your parents for education and guidance and find your own solutions.

... especially as you're the one working, presumably?

Don't let your children see this powerplay/role play you're both indulging in right now.

Well if he wants to be a SAHP and be the main career for his children he needs to accept that regular meals, eating together and bedtime stories are an normal part of most family lives.

If he won't, I'd be reconsidering him being the SAHP.

OP what's really going on in your relationship? £70 a week for shopping is doable but means planning and changes. You both need to sit down and plan a budget and a meal plan. A girl named Jack and others have great tips.

Why don't you have dh start a thread? It has got to be hard work if he has no idea where to start. He could get ideas on how to organise food and cooking. It's like any new job. He needs job training. I think time management is huge job for sahp's!
Could you afford for him to take a cooking class? He might find it a good challenge.

That's different then, if he's saying in all seriousness that you should eat cereal to save money.

Pizzas and frozen pies (presume with things like oven chips) are convenience foods. OK once in a while, but generally cheaper to cut and cook your own. Potatoes cut into wedges or chips, lightly brushed in oil and seasoned before baking in the oven for about 40 mins are not difficult. Nor is a chicken or beef casserole simmered in the oven for a couple of hours and then served with mash, rice or pasta.

Mostly fairly cheap too.

Eggs. Use onion, peppers, bacon, mushrooms etc. to make a good omelette and serve with either salad or baked beans. Generally very cheap and pretty good food.

Herbs will make cheaper dishes with pasta, veg or lentils more interesting and are so easy to grow at home for free.

DH isn't a power hungry dick--as much as it might sound it from this. He's s loving, caring man and we've always had a pretty equal marriage, although circumstances (beyond his control) meant I often picked up a lot of the child related stuff when we were both working. Up until now, we had very similar roles/lives, but the redundancy has completely changed the dynamics.

To give some context to his familyhis brother is seven years younger and has mild learning disability. DH had to get both of them ready for school and onto the school bus. Did I mention I think my MIL is/was a terrible mother?--

I think £70 a week is perfectly fine.

For 3 of use we probably spend about £30, maybe less.

6 pack of toilet roll is £1.00 in tesco. Buy 4 of them and you already have 24 rolls for £4, Bleach is easily less than £1, washing up liquid 39p. Why would you buy more expensive or branded items that cost more if you are strapped for cash and budgeting.

I can imagine it would be more expensive to eat if 4 of your are having 3 different meals between you at the same time. You can buy a family size steak pie for a couple of quid. Big bags of frozen meat such as chops are cheap (the none added water ones of course) large boxes of mince to pre make chillis and bolognese and freeze them, bags of pasta or around 30p. Frozen boxes of garlic, £1.

When we have been skint we have bought tins of 55p mince and onion from tesco, mixed it with tinned tomatoes and called in a bolognese. Still better than cereal.

Live within your means and you can all eat full meals. But if you are buying branded stuff of course you will struggle.

I might be off the mark here but I feel like the whole cereal thing is more about you trying to make a point about his budgeting than either there being nothing else yo eat or your husband genuinely expecting you to live on cereal.

I think the root of the problem is that neither of you want to cook but I'm afraid it's really the only way to eat both within a budget and imo healthily.

Perhaps you both need to look at this redundancy and SAHP-ing and not in isolation of it affecting just one of you. There are probably things that you can each cook quite competently and if not, learn. There is plenty of information out there and lots of recipe suggestions.

You didn't make him out as a power-hungry dick BUT you made yourself out to be a poor, cereal-fed woman and that was unfair of you given that there's no need for it. I get that you're pissed off with your husband's lack of realisation but you're supposed to be a team and it's not coming across that way. You're a family, so act like one.

Your dh does not sound power-hungry. He sounds a bit clueless. That can be fixed. He is new to the sahp job but he should show some enthusiasm for learning to do it right.