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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my neighbour

139 replies

slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 06:57

My neighbour is a very kind lady, age 60 plus who lives alone next door to us. She loves our 2.8 yo dd, buys her little gifts for her bday etc and loves to come over for a cup of tea and chat with her. She also is very kind to babysit for us now and again if we want to go out.
Her nephew is visiting her from abroad in a few weeks he is in his early 40s. She has said a few times that he loves photography and he will love to take photos of dd. She often says to dd 'are you going to do photographs with my nephew?' I didn't say anything for a while but we are not keen on this - I don't feel it's appropriate for a stranger to take and have photos of my dd - I don't know what he will be doing with them. Last time she said it i very gently said 'Dh and I prefer only for us and family to take photos of dd so we would prefer if your nephew didn't although he's of course welcome to visit with you and we'd love to meet him'. She's now upset, hasn't spoken to us and when Dh saw her she told him that she's upset i insinuated her nephew is a paedophile. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:

returnofthehumanegg · 03/07/2015 20:03

I think that people taking a pic of your child on a one off and having a pre arranged shoot are different things. Personally it's the photo shoot aspect if also be uncomfortable with. Also I think from what the op is saying she'd be uncomfortable with this even with a 100% guarantee there was nothing sinister to this. Which she's within her rights to be. So the question of whether she really thinks this guys a paedophile are irrelevant really. I like my privacy and try to give my kids some till they're old enough to decide for themselves.

TheHappinessTrap · 03/07/2015 20:12

If someone of any gender whom I'd never met wanted to take photos of my family I would think it was odd unless s/he's a professional and the aunt is offering his/her services simply out of kindness. If that's the case then she wasn't clear. She's 60, that's not old, she should know it's no longer a breezy, light offer to make in the era we live in. To act as if she does not know this, and to take offence, is at best not good etiquette and at worst worrying. As a pp has said, she made an offer, you declined, that should be the end of it. I wouldn't worry about trying to make an apology. Although chances are this is nothing, one grooming technique is to make a person feel obliged. You don't owe anything for not wanting your family to be photographed. You can be kind and continue to be a good neighbour without giving ground on something that matters to you. Also, if you meet him, what will you say then if you still don't want him to take pics? It's all a bit messy.

Noctilucent · 03/07/2015 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iflyaway · 03/07/2015 20:25

You have every right to decide who has the priviledge of taking photos of your DC.

She sounds manipulative. And wanting to make decisions about YOUR family....

I'd be taking a step right back from her.

hollyisalovelyname · 03/07/2015 20:30

YANBU.
Her reaction is a little OTT.

carabos · 03/07/2015 20:30

YANBU if for no other reason than you can say yes or no to whatever you like on behalf of your 2 yr old child. No need to explain - you're her mother, end of.

However, my reading of your OP is that the nephew doesn't necessarily know anything about this. What concerns me more is I think your neighbour is over-invested in your family. I suspect she's got your little family as a surrogate for her own and frankly it's unhinged to mention the shoot a dozen times to a two-year old. She's getting on my nerves and I don't know her. .

She's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing something she wants to do - it won't stop with this you know.

VixxFace · 03/07/2015 20:39

yanbu

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 03/07/2015 22:03

YANBU! Why on earth would someone particularly want to take pics of their aunt's neighbour's kid?

Hopefully it's just your neighbour getting a bit carried away.

RSVP · 03/07/2015 22:21

YANBU!
Don't let them dictate something you are not comfortable with.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/07/2015 22:43

I forgot to add this to my post but I'd also think this is coming from her, not him. It smacks of her latching onto something and having it her head that it MUST happen, then forcing you to make it happen for her nephew.

And I suspect her poor nephew would be cringing at what's being said and done in his name. Can you imagine the reaction of most men you know in this situation?

They'd be utterly mortified at being put in the position of looking like they were chasing this photo opprtunity at the expebsive of social norms and his own reputation.

At best the nephew would be a crashingly insensitive bore who is obsessed at getting that all important live model shoot experience. At worse, well...

So imo I'd give the nephew the benefit of the doubt on the info you've got at the moment. I certainly wouldn't discount the idea that the neighbour has put both you and him in ad officials position, and she's attenpting to emotionally blackmail and manipulate to make this odd plan come to fruition.

musicalendorphins2 · 04/07/2015 06:30

Yanbu. Why would he want to take pics of a random child
I wouldn't like it, and I would think she was a bit weird to even suggest it.

Original poster

slightlyconfused85 · 04/07/2015 07:35

Thanks for all your thoughts everyone it's interesting to see a wide range of opinions. I haven't changed my mind on this, I still think it is not appropriate for this to occur and I won't agree to it. I can see, however, that perhaps I have phrased things in such a way that has offended her although it is not the correct interpretation of my meaning. I will attempt to chat to her and clarify my position although I will not apologise for something I haven't said!

OP posts:

Portobelly · 04/07/2015 22:29

Agree with flora717

Silverdaisy · 04/07/2015 22:52

Based on the information here, I feel sorry for the nephew! he is visiting an aunt, probably not seeing it as an opportunity to photo a toddler and the post it over the Internet.

Nobody is actually explaining the worry of Internet photos, just your child your rules.

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