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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my neighbour

139 replies

slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 06:57

My neighbour is a very kind lady, age 60 plus who lives alone next door to us. She loves our 2.8 yo dd, buys her little gifts for her bday etc and loves to come over for a cup of tea and chat with her. She also is very kind to babysit for us now and again if we want to go out.
Her nephew is visiting her from abroad in a few weeks he is in his early 40s. She has said a few times that he loves photography and he will love to take photos of dd. She often says to dd 'are you going to do photographs with my nephew?' I didn't say anything for a while but we are not keen on this - I don't feel it's appropriate for a stranger to take and have photos of my dd - I don't know what he will be doing with them. Last time she said it i very gently said 'Dh and I prefer only for us and family to take photos of dd so we would prefer if your nephew didn't although he's of course welcome to visit with you and we'd love to meet him'. She's now upset, hasn't spoken to us and when Dh saw her she told him that she's upset i insinuated her nephew is a paedophile. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 03/07/2015 08:27

I think YABU - I'd be delighted if someone who's decent at photography offered to do some free photos of my DC, it would be a really nice thing to have.

Original poster
slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 08:29

No she specifically told my husband that I insinuated her nephew is a paedophile. Ok, I stand corrected and feel bad now. It is obviously okay with most people for strangers to photograph their children and you would allow them to do so. In this day of social media and a difficult to monitor internet I feel keen to protect my dd but obviously this is unreasonable and abnormal. Thanks for your thoughts and once again this isn't about me thinking he's a paedophile, I just don't k ow him And ndn hasn't seen him for 10 years herself.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 03/07/2015 08:30

Her nephew is a photographer she s close to a cute little girl that her parents are happy to trust her to baby sit when needed. Old lady says in passing on my nephew will love taking pictures of her. To then be told oh sorry we only allow friend s and family to take pics of dd. What do you think that implied to her about your view on her. He s her family, no doubt she views you as an extension of hers..I think you handled it terribly.

This......I too think YABU. What sort of photos do you think he's going to take?? You're not leaving her with him, you would be there. I'm not surprised the old lady is upset.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 03/07/2015 08:32

I think OP is totally reasonable to ask about this. Seems to me she feels she's within her rights, but she's being made to feel guilty and to doubt herself by pressure and accusations from the neighbour. She wants to know what people think in general to see if they see where she's coming from.

(Of course it's still her right to say no to this, whatever we all think, but sometimes you want the reassurance of being able to discuss it and get support.)

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 03/07/2015 08:34

But for a 2.8yo having to sit for photos to please this man and his aunt and for no other reason is a bit off IMO. But it tips over into really off that the neighbour is now stropping over it.

LilyKiwi · 03/07/2015 08:37

I don't think yabu to say no to something you don't feel comfortable with. I do think it's sad that there is so much fear around children and photography, I'm currently living in New Zealand and there just doesn't seem to be this paranoia surrounding kids, it feels so healthy and refreshing.

minesapintofwine · 03/07/2015 08:42

I bet he's just a guy with a smartphone who sometimes posts photos of nights out on his Facebook page. He has no idea his aunt has said this, no interest in taking photos of dd, and no idea it's sparked a 3 page debate on the Internet Grin

Maybe83 · 03/07/2015 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 03/07/2015 08:47

The man probably has no idea about all this! And I highly doubt he's going to walk in the room, whip out a camera and start snapping away at your dd. I'd feel offended too if I was the ndn. Oh and anyone has access to photos of your child that you put on Facebook btw, whether you have 2 of her on there or hundreds. This man is probably the least of your worries

perfectlybroken · 03/07/2015 08:50

Yanbu, he's a stranger, and they will no doubt be digital and could end up anywhere.

GeorgiaOQueef · 03/07/2015 08:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

verystressedmum · 03/07/2015 09:01

He probably has no interest in taking photos of your dd. He doesn't feel the same about your dd as she does and he probably has no idea his aunt is telling you he'd take photos. But it's up to you who takes photos of your dd and if you feel that strongly about it you'll may be just have to live with this situation with your neighbour.

jamaisdeux · 03/07/2015 09:02

YADNBU

I started a thread this week as photos of my daughter ended up on a blog without my permission.

I don't want anyone, male or female, known or unknown, taking photos of my DD for no particular reason. Why would I? Why would anyone want this?

Kreeshsheesh · 03/07/2015 09:03

YANBU

MadgeMak · 03/07/2015 09:03

Totally your call as to whether you feel comfortable with this, but to be honest I don't understand why anyone gets so worried about images of their children being put online (bar situations where the mother/children are in hiding from an abusive ex for example). Why is it such a massive issue? It's not as if the act of taking a photograph steals their soul.

TheChandler · 03/07/2015 09:06

YANBU. If he wants to specifically take photographs of the child of a couple he has never met while visiting from abroad, he contacts the parents in advance. I don't care how sweet the old lady neighbour is or how unreasonable it is, theres something slightly uncomfortable about it all. Which could easily be offset by actually meeting the guy, or an explanation that this isn't all in the old lady's head and he couldn't care less about photographing your daughter.

spad · 03/07/2015 09:07

I wouldn't like it either.

Yadnbu, imho!

The fact they didn't get the hint the first time would also annoy me. I would also have thought that a guy with any kind of common sense would realise it is quite forward.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 03/07/2015 09:08

The thing is though, and I'm not being hysterical, but simply factual, there is, statistically and approximately, a paedo round every corner. It's very common indeed. The chances of this bloke being not entirely innocent are not remote and infinitesimal. Not at all.

It's being aware of what's inappropriate, and being able to admit if something makes you feel uncomfortable and step in, that has transformed the experience of abused children from just a few decades ago – so that now they are listened to, and steps are taken to protect them, and convictions are made.

"Refreshing" New Zealand has an extremely poor record for child abuse. Perhaps not being bothered and not looking out for kids and being super-relaxed has something to do with it.

I'm a bit Hmm at the response "Oh not every man is a paedophile you know!!! That nice man who hangs around the playground is totally innocent, he just likes children!!!" Not every man is a paedophile, but there are a lot of them, and inappropriate behaviour around children, and putting pressure on children to do what the man wants, can indicate something's up.

I understand that in this case we don't know if the man who's asked, it might be just his aunt who's asked. But if it makes OP uncomfortable, it's OK to listen to that.

In a photo session with a parent present, no, a man cannot do anything. But it doesn't just work like that. I'm not saying this man is dangerous, but if he was, this would work by gaining trust, getting to know the child, maybe then being around when the aunt babysits, maybe being left in sole charge for a minute or two while she goes to the toilet. And so on.

I repeat I am NOT saying "He must be a paedophile!" I'm saying that finding this request slightly uncomfortable is understandable, and that thinking he might be dodgy is a reasonable possibility, not outlandish and ridiculous.

I know I'll get flamed for over-reacting but for either the man or his aunt to apply emotional blackmail for him to do stuff with a small child he doesn't know, rings a faint alarm bell with me. It's possible to act on that calmly, without pitchforks, just listening to your instincts and saying no if that's what you want to do.

meercat23 · 03/07/2015 09:11

If what she had in mind was that he would pop over and take a few pictures then that would probably not be a big issue but "doing photographs" as she kept mentioning to your DD sounds more like a more formal photo shoot.

Either way, totally your call whether you are comfortable with it or not especially as you have not even met the nephew yet.

In my view the neighbour was the one making a big deal of it not you and her reaction underlines this.

diddl · 03/07/2015 09:11

"But it tips over into really off that the neighbour is now stropping over it."

Yes!

If she really wants a photo, she could have asked OP for on or asked to take one herself.

The fact that she's so desperate for her nephew to do it that she is asking such a young child & now stropping is odd.

I wouldn't bother about mending fences OP.

JoffreyBaratheon · 03/07/2015 09:24

I'd suspect your neighbour is more keen on the photos than the nephew and he probably doesn't even know he's been comandeered to take them. Chances are, she would love a nice photo, herself as she genuinely and not-in-a-creepy-way, is fond of your daughter.

I was a kid in the 60s when we were less suspicious of everyone and spent many a happy hour in my elderly lady neighbour's house, sitting on her knee reading the newspaper (in fact I suspect she pretty well taught me to read!) I adored that old lady like a grandma - especially as I had no grandparents - and when she died, mourned her.

I get what OP means about being uncomfortable about a male stranger having photos of their child as I'd feel the same way too. But the chances are, this is something that felt important to your neighbour - not her nephew. And that is why she is so upset.

Hygge · 03/07/2015 09:24

"It is obviously okay with most people for strangers to photograph their children and you would allow them to do so."

I don't think it matters if most people on this thread are okay with it or not.

They are not you and their children are not yours. And it's not their neighbour doing the asking right now.

If you aren't okay with it, then that's what matters for you and your DD, what other people would do is irrelevant really.

I know your neighbour has made you doubt your feelings, which is why you are asking on here, but really it's okay to say you don't feel comfortable with something and that you're not doing it.

SophieJenkins · 03/07/2015 09:29

I disagree that the overriding fear about this is paedophilia.

I think that is just a media soundbite, one around every corner, etc - well as Cat states, there is, probably, but that doesn't concern me terribly.

What concerns me is that the internet is a vast thing and my child's image being let loose into that particular jungle is something I don't particularly like, because it takes away another little bit of my control.

I don't try and control everything - but having photos taken by strangers for no good reason, unless they are children themselves, is one thing I can take back control over and it's my right to do so.

I don't allow press photographs at school to include my children, and I have various reasons for that, one being their safety (not from strangers but from people we know). The other being a strong sense of social privacy. I don't read local papers much, and don't really think the people who do have any need whatsoever to know my children's names or what they are doing.

Our lives are our lives and we should not feel compelled to share images of them.

Your NDN is being utterly overdramatic and ridiculous. You could explain to her gently that this is your position with everything, it's not personal. But it sounds like she will just assume what she wants to whatever you say.

SophieJenkins · 03/07/2015 09:31

I don't do facebook either FWIW.

Spadequeen · 03/07/2015 09:31

Yanbu. It's not about whether you think he's a paedophile or not, but why on earth would anyone want photos of a child they don't know?

I've been given photos of children in my family, feel I can't throw them away but equally I'm not gonna put them on display anywhere, what the hell am I supposed to do with them?

Remember this has all come from your neighbour, not the nephew himself, he might not be interested at all.

Maybe you could explain to your neighbour that was not what you were implying at all, but you thought you were saving him from a possibly embarrassing situation, where he thought he would have to take photos of a strangers child when he didn't really want to.