Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my neighbour

139 replies

slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 06:57

My neighbour is a very kind lady, age 60 plus who lives alone next door to us. She loves our 2.8 yo dd, buys her little gifts for her bday etc and loves to come over for a cup of tea and chat with her. She also is very kind to babysit for us now and again if we want to go out.
Her nephew is visiting her from abroad in a few weeks he is in his early 40s. She has said a few times that he loves photography and he will love to take photos of dd. She often says to dd 'are you going to do photographs with my nephew?' I didn't say anything for a while but we are not keen on this - I don't feel it's appropriate for a stranger to take and have photos of my dd - I don't know what he will be doing with them. Last time she said it i very gently said 'Dh and I prefer only for us and family to take photos of dd so we would prefer if your nephew didn't although he's of course welcome to visit with you and we'd love to meet him'. She's now upset, hasn't spoken to us and when Dh saw her she told him that she's upset i insinuated her nephew is a paedophile. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Wishful80sMontage · 03/07/2015 09:33

No yanbu! It would make me feel exactly the same Why would I allow a stranger to take pictures of my child? It wouldn't happen.
If you'd have done something that made you feel uncomfortable for the sake of not upsetting ndn you would have been ripped to shreds on here .
Trust your instinct

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 03/07/2015 09:36

I was a kid in the 60s when we were less suspicious of everyone and spent many a happy hour in my elderly lady neighbour's house

Of course many, many perfectly innocent and positive experiences like that happened. To me too. In the 70s when we were less suspicious of everyone, I also had nice old lady neighbours and friendly family neighbours whose houses we went in and out of safely.

There was also a massive incidence of unreported, disbelieved, under-the-radar sexual abuse, mostly perpetrated by people the victim knew and trusted.

It's still true that most people aren't paedophiles. But we have got better at realising that it's a possibility.

Tuskerfull · 03/07/2015 09:40

It sounds very much like your neighbour wants her son to take pictures of a child she adores, rather than the son being overly keen on photographing a young girl. I would imagine that is what he'll be doing with them - giving them to his mum.

Tuskerfull · 03/07/2015 09:41

Nephew, not son.

diddl · 03/07/2015 09:44

"It sounds very much like your neighbour wants her son to take pictures of a child she adores"

I think that that is most likely.

So why not just explain that rather than getting stroppy & mentioning paedophiles?

SophieJenkins · 03/07/2015 09:49

My friend sends me photos of his nephews and nieces from time to time.

I have to admit I'm not even remotely interested in them.

I'd like seeing ones of his children if he had any. But I don't even know his sisters or brothers so why would I want to see their kids?

I'd never say this to him though.

paulapompom · 03/07/2015 09:50

I have 2 dds - twins, they had lots of photoshoots when they were young (they were in a Tv prog) and I was comfortable with this. But those photos had a purpose, magazine covers, publicity stills etc. As with school pics, I would be uncomfortable with a person I don't know asking to take photos. Ok you have NOT mentioned the word paedophile, why has your neighbour immediately made that leap? I can understand your neighbour has a nice relationship with your DD but her nephew dosent. Imo YaNbu.

bruffin · 03/07/2015 09:53

So why not just explain that rather than getting stroppy & mentioning paedophiles

Because people don't get the paranoia around someone other than the family actually seeing photographs of children and the only reason they can think of for refusing photographs is a worry about paedophilia.
I don't get it myself, I have no problem with people taking dcs photos and nowadays once they and their friends have a camera phone their photos will be everywhere on friends phones. I just make sure they are warned about the dangers of sending revealing photos of themselves to others.

JulyKit · 03/07/2015 09:58

YANBU.

It's interesting that some people's views on this are so polarized - that there's this idea that if you're not willing to wheel out DD for a photo session for a stranger at someone else's behest, then you must assume that there's a paedo around every corner.

Why should DD be volunteered for a photo session, simply because she's 2 years old? Why should you and her volunteer your time in this way to provide images, which will almost certainly be entirely innocuous, but nevertheless, will be images of DD, and might not be images that you or she - in several years time, when the images still exist - like much. There's simply no reason why you should be obliged to say yes to this.

As another poster has said, the nephew may have not idea that he's expected by his dear aunt to take these pictures.

But anyway, if he's a professional photographer, then why on earth would he want to do extra work, for no pay (presumably), for a parent who hasn't seen his work, doesn't know him, and doesn't much want the photos anyway?

PuppyMonkey · 03/07/2015 09:59

I think the fact is, you're the parents, it's up to you. So yanbu to decide who takes photos of your dd. The end.

I wouldn't be very happy with the formal sounding "doing photos" scenario. Maybe your neighbour has just got herself a bit mixed up and worded things badly. Although she's hardly a sweet old dear in her 80s is she,. She's in her 60s, I'd expect her to be a bit more on the ball.

I can't imagine a scenario where my DP (a keen amateur photographer) would be visiting his aunt and think " oh yes, must just nip round and take some photos of the cute little girl next door who I've never met."Confused

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 03/07/2015 10:09

Oh dear, it's all got a bit awkward hasn't it? Perhaps it was the bit where you said you were only happy with family and friends taking pics - until that very moment she might have assumed that she was your friend on the basis of your general friendliness and that, by association, so was her son. Now she feels you have made it very clear that is not the case and is upset by it. For all we know her son can't stand kids and could have felt completely put on the spot by his mother if she'd tried to get him to take pics of your dd. I can certainly see why she would have said that she felt you were insinuating that her son was a wrong un, and I'm inclined to agree with her. After all, why on earth would there be anything dodgy about it? Your starting point for refusing was that 'he might put them on the internet', but WHY would he do that? And what harm would it do? I'm assuming, if you did let him take any pics, that you and OH would be present, that your dd would be fully dressed, that nobody would be under any pressure, so I'm struggling to see why you had such a powerful kneejerk reaction tbh.

Original poster
slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 10:27

It wasn't a knee jerk reaction, she said it every time we saw her for several weeks it was only the last time that I tried to politely say we would prefer not. If she wants a photo of my dd she can have one but this isn't what she's said. All she said is her nephew likes photography and he likes children and he would like to photograph dd.

OP posts:
Dunkyourcustardcream · 03/07/2015 10:38

I agree with you totally. She's your daughter. If you feel uncomfortable you have to listen to yourself. I am friendly with my neighbour who always goes on about how beautiful my daughter is, but if her son wanted to take her photo the response would be wtf? No! Don't give a toss if people think you are unreasonable... It's weird and so are they if they think it's not.

JulyKit · 03/07/2015 10:39

Well, YWNBU.

And, actually, I would feel quite uncomfortable, in your position.

I would think that for most amateur photographers travelling abroad, the primary points of interest for subject matter to photograph are the physical or architectural or cultural features of the place they're visiting. Most people in their 40s know plenty of children - friends' and family, if not their own - and aren't particularly interested in meeting/photographing strangers' DCs, delightful as those children may be.

And it is quite silly of your neighbour to put her own feelings/ego over and above your perfectly reasonable and far from unusual feelings about this. It's just silly of her, really. That's all.

Maybe83 · 03/07/2015 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amarmai · 03/07/2015 10:52

NU - your child = your decision. No reason needed.

myneighbourtotoro2 · 03/07/2015 10:53

Yanbu . I think it's quite an odd request really

Esmeismyhero · 03/07/2015 10:55

Yanbu in my eyes either.

BumpTheElephant · 03/07/2015 11:01

YANBU. I don't think you have to give reason. You simply don't want photos taken of your child and that's perfectly fine!
I wouldn't want my neighbours nephew coming round taking photos of me so definitely wouldn't allow my child to be photographed like this. Nothing to do with paedophilia. I just think it's a bit odd and even odder of her to get huffy about it.

ActiviaYoghurt · 03/07/2015 11:02

I think she wanted him to take some photos that you and her could have and you have basically pissed on lovely plan. She clearly feels as close to you as family members and is hurt by the underlying reason that you have said no.

Backforthis · 03/07/2015 11:03

You were spot on and handled it sensitively.

Ejzuudjej · 03/07/2015 11:08

Yanbu.

Original poster
slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 11:34

Activia I'm afraid she is not as close to me as family. We see her once every 2-3 weeks when she drops in for a cuppa, she has babysat twice and my husband does things for her like change her light bulbs and once painted her ceilings for her. This isn't as close as family - she is kind, we are kind back to her but this doesn't mean I want her nephew who is unknown to me taking
Photographs oft family. I see some people feel thigs is unreasonable- I can't take back what I said but I can try to explain further which i shall

OP posts:
hesterton · 03/07/2015 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BirdInTheRoom · 03/07/2015 14:43

It sounds to me like she thought he could take some nice pictures she could give to you, that's all. And now she's upset you think there is some ulterior motive.

If he comes over with her to see you and DD for a cuppa and takes a few pics of her while you're there, I really can't see what the big problem is? I am not surprised she's offended to be honest!