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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my neighbour

139 replies

slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 06:57

My neighbour is a very kind lady, age 60 plus who lives alone next door to us. She loves our 2.8 yo dd, buys her little gifts for her bday etc and loves to come over for a cup of tea and chat with her. She also is very kind to babysit for us now and again if we want to go out.
Her nephew is visiting her from abroad in a few weeks he is in his early 40s. She has said a few times that he loves photography and he will love to take photos of dd. She often says to dd 'are you going to do photographs with my nephew?' I didn't say anything for a while but we are not keen on this - I don't feel it's appropriate for a stranger to take and have photos of my dd - I don't know what he will be doing with them. Last time she said it i very gently said 'Dh and I prefer only for us and family to take photos of dd so we would prefer if your nephew didn't although he's of course welcome to visit with you and we'd love to meet him'. She's now upset, hasn't spoken to us and when Dh saw her she told him that she's upset i insinuated her nephew is a paedophile. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 03/07/2015 07:43

YANBU actually.

If he had shown up and met you for an afternoon and then it had all somehow come up in chat that hes a photographer, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But the pre arranging by her and asking your DD "are you going to do photos" just makes me feel uneasy.

Plus you were there and you have picked up the vibe that we cant. I would trust your instinct on this.

Maybe you will meet him and feel like you worried for nothing.

Bulldogclip · 03/07/2015 07:43

Unless you keep her locked in your house she probably appears in hundreds (if not thousands) of other people's pictures. Many may be on social media.

I don't care who has pics of my children. If anybody was to manipulate pics for perverted purposes (unlikely) they're not actually harming my children, are they?

Blueboys · 03/07/2015 07:44

YANBU is my opinion and I would feel the same way. Assuming your neighbour means while your child is at hers being baby sat without you there? Maybe just a quick couple of photos of your neighbour with daughter in your garden whild you are there to? I think maybe go and have a little chat with your neighbour and apologise that it may have came out wrong. I'm sure the nephew would understand and equally isn't really bothered about taking pics.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/07/2015 07:48

Could you ask to see his work? I know we have to sign waivers for school and after school activities to allow the school take photos of our children so I can kind of see where you're coming from. Have you googled your neighbours son? He may be a professional photographer (think Mario Testino level) and you could have offended your neighbour without realising why.
Could you not let him take the photos and ask to see what he's taken and if you're not happy with them, ask him to delete them??

ememem84 · 03/07/2015 07:49

I didn't over react or make it personal. I just said that we would prefer friends and family only to be taking photos of our family

I think this is why she's upset. You've said she adores dd. babysits for you etc. im wondering if she thinks of herself as friend/family. By you saying the above you've (in her mind) completely rubbished this idea of a relationship she has if you get what I mean.

I don't think she thought you'd insinuated he was a paedophile. And can't see why anyone else would jump to that conclusion.

Yanbu for not wanting dds pictures taken by anyone other than yourself. I think maybe you've just hurt neighbours feelings.

minesapintofwine · 03/07/2015 07:49

Yanbu. It sounds as if neighbour hasn't really asked you but presumed it would be ok. You are not ok with it (entirely your perogative, YOUR dd) and have, I'm, been very tactful, polite and honest with her. I don't think your friendship is damaged she sounds a bit assuming and huffy over this (though I am certain she is also v lovely).

She also sounds v proud of her nephew so to make amends I would make every effort to meet him and maybe give her a nice framed photo of her and your dd together.

I am firmly in the 'not everybody is a paedophile' camp but unfortunately also have first hand experience of photos in the wrong hands Sad
So I err on the side of caution when it comes to possible risk, however tiny that risk. We have a duty of care to our dc to protect them from this risk.

Original poster
slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 07:52

Thanks emem her nephew is not my friend or family though.
She did say to my Dh that i insinuated he was a paedophile - I didn't.
Thanks for all your thoughts and ideas, I will look to patch things up with her as well as I can if isn't mean to upset her but I remain uncomfortable with the ide.

OP posts:
Gem124 · 03/07/2015 07:52

I think the way she's put it across is very odd and that would put me off. If she'd said he's a pro photographer and I thought it would be nice if he took some photos for you with you there that's a completely different scenario than him taking pics alone with your neighbour.

Gem124 · 03/07/2015 07:53

I think the way she's put it across is very odd and that would put me off. If she'd said he's a pro photographer and I thought it would be nice if he took some photos for you with you there that's a completely different scenario than him taking pics alone with your neighbour.

Hygge · 03/07/2015 07:57

Diddl has said what I was thinking, he might not actually want to take pictures of your child and have no idea that his Aunt is telling you he will.

But if you don't feel comfortable with it, there's nothing wrong with saying so.

theendoftheendoftheend · 03/07/2015 08:00

YANBU I don't know why people would jump to the conclusion you think he's a paedophile and you certainly don't have to agree to something you're not comfortable with due to other people jumping to weird conclusions.
I think em makes a good point.

riverboat1 · 03/07/2015 08:03

It could well just be her own line of thinking that nephew likes photography ndn's DD is so cute ergo nephew will want to take photos of DD. Sounds like the kind if idea my gran would get into her head because SHE would like it, and is proud of the newphew's photography skills. Would this man REALLY be so keen taking photos of your DD? Seems a bit unlikely to me.

I'd probably not have said anything except a breezy "we'll see" until he got here, and then maybe funnel it all into him taking a few shots of DD with your ndn, which would be nice and may be what she's after anyway. If they were seriously suggesting a whole photo shoot with just him and DD that would be the moment to intervene.

peggyundercrackers · 03/07/2015 08:04

yabu - I think you have thought of the man as a paedophile - you have said he will store the pictures and might put them on the internet inferring he will share them with other people - why would you think that?

why would he store them? maybe he will take them and print some out for your neighbour then get rid of them.

why would he put them on the internet for other people to see?

WeirdCatLady · 03/07/2015 08:07

Why bother asking if you are convinced you did the right thing?

minesapintofwine · 03/07/2015 08:10

Bulldog I can see your line of thinking but I'm not sure I would be as comfortable with this myself.

NittyDora · 03/07/2015 08:10

YANBU, in my opinion. I'm really careful with DCs' photos as I don't want them to end up online. I just feel that once the images are uploaded any one can see them and use them. Its not just the admittedly low risk of paedophillic activities but I don't want their images used in advertising or for people to be taking the rip out them.

SophieJenkins · 03/07/2015 08:10

Ok let's break this down.

You don't know this guy. You have no idea why he wants to take photographs of a child he has never actually met. His aunt has just accused you of implying he is a paedophile when you clearly have not done so.

This would not make me feel more willing to allow him to take photographs of my child.

In fact I would be questioning the conclusion she has jumped to - who said the word paedophile? Not you.

You have simply expressed a very common preference not to have other people you do not know, taking photos of your child.

I would have done exactly the same in your position and think it is really very odd indeed how many people think this is unreasonable.

You have done nothign wrong - if someone chooses to take offence when none has been given, that is their lookout and I would be distancing myself from this woman.

His intentions could be innocent but the situation was never made clear - was it her idea, his idea, why your child, why not some other random child nearer to home...etc etc. It all sounds really bizarre.

Original poster
slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 08:11

Peggy he probably wouldn't but I don't know do I? That's the point and I feel I would like to protect my daughter from photos of her being somewhere potentially that we are not aware of.

River thanks that is a really sensible suggestion. Perhaps I will wait and see if he actually wants to and if so he can take a couple of snaps of dd withy neighbour.

OP posts:
SophieJenkins · 03/07/2015 08:14

After what she said to your DH I wouldn't go near her.

That's just nuts.

I don't allow strangers to photograph my children (unless they are giggling Japanese teenage girls) and it isn't because of the potential that they will be used by paedophiles. I just don't feel comfortable with it.

The fact she suggested this was your concern would make me very Hmm

Original poster
slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 08:16

Cat lady I'm asking because I think I may hBe handled this in the wrong way with ndn. I'm not convinced I'm right actually I just felt quite strongly in my opinion and am interested to hear others views.

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 03/07/2015 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybe83 · 03/07/2015 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
slightlyconfused85 · 03/07/2015 08:25

He's not a photographer. He likes taking photographs.

OP posts:
HeyDuggee · 03/07/2015 08:26

The neighbour hasn't insinuated that the OP accused her nephew of being a paedophile!

OP's husband GUESSED that may be one reason neighbour is off.

My guess is your friend/family comment

She thought she was your friend and he is her family... You have implied her family cannot be trusted until they have proven to you they're trustworthy.

That's pretty insuling given you trust her enough to leave your child in her care!

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 03/07/2015 08:26

YANBU. I don't think it's just appearing in a photo somewhere that would make me feel uneasy. Obviously my DC are in friends' photos, nursery photos etc. and could be in the background of a stranger's shot in the street or whatever.

It's the idea that this man wants to take photos of a small child he doesn't know, in some kind of session or sitting (implied by "do photographs"). Because he wants to, not because anyone has asked him to or the parents want pics taken. That feels a bit dodgy. Obviously it's not to say he's a paedophile or anything untoward. But I'd have to wonder about his sensitivities at the very least, and your neighbour's too. Who would ask for this and then keep pushing at it and have a sulk if you said no? That would put me right off. It's like it's just about pleasing this bloke, and how the other people involved feel doesn't matter. That's why it would be a no from me.