To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

[Cantz]

I am 38 now, no children and I haven't worked a job since I was 29 and even the it was just part time. My husband works but I don't I have a blog that makes a little money and I sell some art work which brings in something but I don't have a career or a job I am mostly at home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing. It works for us and we are happy after 21 years together.
Lots of my friends have careers some are Doctors, others work in TV or in IT and we still have plenty in common. I want these women, my friends to have what makes them happy and of that is a career then great. I absolutely support the right of a women to do what she wants with her life but I am finding more and more that for me to choose not to have a career, especially as I don't have children is a total taboo.

It often feels like there is huge pressure to go out and get a job, that you cannot be fufilled unless you are in paid employment and that worse by not working you cannot possibley be contributing to society. There are lots of ways a person can make a contribution it isn't all about money or even having kids for that matter.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

Well thank you everyone who has commented, it has been very interesting to get some unvarnished opinions on not working and that was a very interesting article from STRIKE MAGAZINE someone posted.

It seems that for some people as I suspected work is always important for the sake of it regardless of how much you make, or what you do for example the the comment on the "considerable honour and dignity in earning a minimum wage through hard work". I don't really think there is any inherent dignity in hard work for low wages it has just become the norm that is all. Also not convinced about striving for independance, even if I worked 40+ hours a week I would still need my Husband, my friends and family I would still rely on others that is what it is to be human. As I have said before if I needed to work I would simple as that. I'm not from some wealthy background both myself and my husband are from working class backgrounds so I'm not above any kind of work should the need arise.

I am interested in this work fetish people seem to have as if work in and of itself is always a morally good thing, I am not saying it can't be but that the very act of work regardless of what you do as being good is strange.

I don't feel the need to work, just like I don't feel the need to have a child so that is fine, each to their own I guess. I know some will judge me but you cannot control what others think of you in any case so their is probably not much point in being worried about it. Still very interesting to see what some of you think.

Felix, I am not sure what I would be doing, before I was married I did various bit and bobs of work and then my art on top of that. I grew up on a council estate in the 80's my parents were quite poor although they mostly worked but I never really thought much about money either way, if I have it I use it for what I need and if I don't I make do.

Would I support a husband who wanted to stay home? I dare say we could work something out.

I don't mean to judge, though I possibly am, but I would be careful about leaving the workplace for too long a period, particularly without a good reason, ie sickness or bringing up children. I know a good friend who's been out bringing up children for 15-20 years and is now struggling massively to get any sort of job, even things that are way below her ability and qualifications. I wouldn't wish anything on your husband or family, but if something were to happen or your situation were to change, it's something to bear in mind.

Perhaps you could do some volunteering work? It wouldn't have to be full time.

Also thanks for answering my earlier question! I know it's difficult to stay on the thread if some posters have been harsh!

Hi Felix, I do some volunteering now and again but not all the time, it just depends on what comes up and if I think I will be helpful or not. Volunteering can actually be quite competitive these days. I don't worry about finding work as such because I know I have useful practical skills which I could charge for if need be, not that I would rule out a job. I did cleaning before and really enjoyed it at the time because I could work alone and just think.

I don't mind them being harsh, I did ask for opinons and that is what I got, its all good as they say. I actually took a break to watch QT with my husband, we like a good shout at the telly when that is on!

There are a lot of "should's" here. At what point do you determine what equates to the equivalent of a full-time job? Who decides? Again, suppose the OP and her DH are happy with the status quo of their relationship?

Most of the time women just judge other women, and they do it in a way that equates to a certain type of male's standards ie you don't earn as much as me, you don't do as much as me so, I am of more value than you in life. Its the exact same talk thats on the Relationship boards, whereby a woman is made to feel "less" because she doesn't equate in monetary terms.

Values do not all have to be the same. A woman isn't "less" just because she doesnt work outside the home for anybody else. Its almost as if, being happy and moving at your own pace in life - which may not be another person's pace, actually - is frowned upon. People are fulfilled in different ways. & its not always being a cog in somebody else's wheel. Women are judged enough as it is...men have nothing on women when it comes to judging each other.

For all the women who were advised that career and money is everything, I don't see when I look around me in life, that they're any happier than a woman who isn't on that path. Life deals us all different cards.

When I grow old I hope it won't be my career that brings me "fond" memories. Each to their own though...

On an individual basis, of course it is entirely up to you how you choose to organise your life. If it works for you, fine and dandy. It absolutely would not work for me, since it has always been important to me to be independent, and that includes financial independence. And part of this comes directly from my concern that women are still (still!) socialised to be passive and dependent. I think that is such a negative aspect of society and I want no part of it. I would also feel very uncomfortable knowing that my husband was working hard each day to support me, a healthy and capable adult.

I have a career I love that allows for a fairly good work/life balance and relatively flexible organisation of time (university teaching and research). My husband has the same career and we earn approximately the same amount. I do feel there is inherent dignity in working that doesn't exist in a life of leisure. OTOH, I often feel there aren't enough hours in the day to pursue my non-work-related writing, due to work and family demands. But I wouldn't sacrifice my career just to have the extra time to write.

MisstressDeeCee that is a very good point and made very eloquently, I do agree that it is fine if we each of us do things diffrently and have different values.

ElkTheory, I am glad you have a career you love it certainly sounds worthwhile and I would always support anyone's choice to do whatever was right for themselves provided of course it did not cause any harm to others. I don't believe I am passive or any more dependent on my husband than I would be if I were working, but each of us has our own life and priorities and it is inevitable that there will be differences of opinion which is fine.

Another point to raise perhaps in general is that "work" is in decline all over the western world and probably beyond due to developments in technology. People are already discussing what the best answer to such a question could be perhaps a citizens income or a permenant three day week on full wages with people having more time to care for their family, take care of there health, volunteer if the wished. There are other darker alternatives such as an increasingly stratified society where people work long hours in one or more jobs just to keep a roof over their heads.

I would also feel very uncomfortable knowing that my husband was working hard each day to support me.

But that assumes that the OP's husband wouldn't be doing exactly the same job for exactly the same money if he was single or the OP worked. Maybe he does that job because he likes it and finds it fulfilling? And unless the OP has extravagant tastes, it's possible that living with her is not incurring her husband much extra expense, as he'd still have to pay rent, council tax and bills anyway even if he lived alone.

Certainly in the case of my friend, her husband doesn't fly fighter planes to keep her in the style to which she is accustomed. He does it because he loves it and it's all he's ever wanted to do. From what I know of them, it seems that he actually appreciates that she was willing to sacrifice an independent career to be with him, given the constraints of the job to which he is devoted.

In the above post I should have said people will work in low paid service jobs to a wealthy elite or scraping a living, come to think of it that picture looks pretty familiar!

Mrsfrumble, that is exactly the case my Husband works in a science related job and he loves his work. We have a very small morgage which is our only debt and our outgoings aren't large. I don't have expensive tastes at all, most of my clothes I make myself or buy second hand and alter to suit and as I said I do bring in some money which covers my luxuries like paints, fabric, books and skincare as well as some nice things for my husband as well. It all goes into the one joint account!

This thread has made me wonder what I would have done in our current circumstances if we didn't have children.

Nearly 3 years ago DH was offered an amazing work opportunity in a country that we'd both always wanted to live in. The job is in a city where the industry that I'd worked in for the past 13 years doesn't really exist, so it wouldn't have been possible for me to continue with my career in that field. As we had a young toddler and another baby on the way, it seemed like a no-brainer that I would quit my job and take a career break to stay at home with the children for a few years so that DH could accept the offer.

If we hadn't had the children, would I have wanted to stay at my job; meaning that DH would miss out and we'd both miss the opportunity to live abroad? Or would I have come along with DH anyway and found a new job (probably unskilled and low paid as my skills aren't really all that transferable) even though I wouldn't have needed to financially? Or would I have come along and spent the past two years just doing my own thing like the OP? (I'm pretty sure DH would have been okay with that too).

I do struggle with the financial dependency of being a SAHM, but I'm comforted by the knowledge that DH is happy with our situation and that it's not permanent as I'll be looking to work again when we return to the UK.

Posted too soon... I meant to add that I may well have pursued option 3 as the chance to develop hobbies and make an actual contribution to society through volunteering is appealing. It may be financially risky, but no more so than being a SAHM. At least without DCs you don't have the burden of supporting children if your marriage goes tit's up.

I am interested in this work fetish people seem to have

Why did you start this thread? Just to have a go at all of those stupid people choosing to work? People like your husband?

Vivacia, it is nothing to do with "stupid people choosing to work" rather with the view that some people have that work is the be all and end all or at least that it is the key to a purpousful life.

My Husband doesn't feel that is teh case he sees all kinds of paths in life for an individual and only some are related to paid work, we need not all take the same path.

For me it's not about a career being important. It's about being financally independent. I have also ensured that if me and dh were to split I can pay the bills for me and my kids, immediately. There is no reason to think it would happen and no reason to think dh wouldn't contribute but I don't ever want to be in that position.

As it happens I now own my own business and work from home around the kids. The kids are both school age and I know I could continue if I was a single parent.

However, I don't judge people who live differently. It's doesn't affect me, so don't really have opinion on it. As long as you and your dh are happy, crack on

Are you feeling pressure from your friends OP? It's possibly just that they are at a stage in their life where they are really struggling balancing their work/caring for kids. Some people are potterers, that's just how they are. The people I see who have time for hobbies (husbands or wives) are not those where both partners work full-time because then all their free time is taken up with household work. I guess you could try to monetize what you love doing more ..et voila ...it becomes a career.

I know a couple of couples where one half doesn't work. I mean, it was really common in my parent's generation for a start - my aunt got married at 21 and never worked - she was a housewife, then a SAHP, and then when the kids got older she started doing voluntary work and community work. I also know a few couples where one partner is quite high flying and they find it works for them to have one half working and the other half doing 'support' stuff, and they find it improves their quality of life to have it work that way. Obviously, there's a risk if they break up, but the ones I know haven't so far and seem very happy. In one case, he worked for 20 years, and she stayed at home, and started building up a hobby business on the side which then started to do well enough that he eventually stepped back from his career and she kinda took over as the primary earner and he now supports her in the family business.

My DSis has been the primary earner in her family for most of her married life. DBiL is an artist and in the early days was earning very little. He used to work as a waiter etc but in the end they decided she'd just cover the bills. As it worked out, his career has actually started to take off more in the last few years and now he doesn't make a LOT as an artist, but it's the equivalent of a living wage and I think she's really proud of what he's achieving. Having said that, I don't think they thought it was about the money. They both wanted him to have a chance to actually achieve his dreams.

But it's what works for you. There's no 'right' way to do life, is there?

view that some people have that work is the be all and end all or at least that it is the key to a purpousful life

I'm not sure they do and working is not mutually exclusive with painting and gardening. You're setting up false premises.

I think good for you.

If you and your husband are happy, why not?

Why take a job for the sake of it? A job that someone else could really need.

Yes, I have read the threads about having a back-up plan and being "lazy", but personally I do not see if that way. Neither do I see it as living off her husband. He could love his job and it could be a wonderful plus for him to have someone at home.

The OP could decide to take on voluntary work at some point. I think it is a good benefit to have someone at home.

And yes, I say this as a career person myself.

yanbu! And I'm jealous! like your friends who comment Live life however you like it, like you said your days are filled and if you can afford not to earn then so what!

Carry on doing what you're doing OP and ignore the haters, the green eyed monster is all over this thread

I am like MrsFrumble and I hate not working. I am so bored. All I think about is kicking my personal trainer's abs. True story. Not working is shit.

We don't all need to take the same path, but I do hope you don't live to regret your choice.
And that your husband doesn't ever resent you.

As for envy, hardly, unless you assume that your husband is envious of you too.

Finally, people don't take jobs from others. Productive people also generate jobs. There is no limit on jobs.
Oh, and I hope you don't get tax credits.

There is a limit on jobs. Yes, people can and do generate jobs for others. But, people can also take jobs from others.