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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

338 replies

Cantz · 02/07/2015 21:11

I am 38 now, no children and I haven't worked a job since I was 29 and even the it was just part time. My husband works but I don't I have a blog that makes a little money and I sell some art work which brings in something but I don't have a career or a job I am mostly at home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing. It works for us and we are happy after 21 years together.
Lots of my friends have careers some are Doctors, others work in TV or in IT and we still have plenty in common. I want these women, my friends to have what makes them happy and of that is a career then great. I absolutely support the right of a women to do what she wants with her life but I am finding more and more that for me to choose not to have a career, especially as I don't have children is a total taboo.

It often feels like there is huge pressure to go out and get a job, that you cannot be fufilled unless you are in paid employment and that worse by not working you cannot possibley be contributing to society. There are lots of ways a person can make a contribution it isn't all about money or even having kids for that matter.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

OP posts:

JanineMelnitzGlasses · 02/07/2015 22:43

Good for you OP, you've obviously found a lifestyle that suits you & your DH. My DH took a year off work & if we could have afforded it he would've loved not to work again. You shouldn't have to justify your choices to anyone; why should a job / career define who you are? I'm pretty jealous of your set-up if I'm being honest!

Dontlaugh · 02/07/2015 22:43

"Grammar" jeez

MakewayforNoddy · 02/07/2015 22:43

Grammar :)

Original poster

Cantz · 02/07/2015 22:44

Not married to an oligarch not even close and I live up north so not in London, we aren't rich hubby makes about £35,000 a year before tax, it is plenty. If things change then they change and I will adapt but why shouldn't we have the life we want now while we can, why always live in fear of things going wrong.

OP posts:

ppolly · 02/07/2015 22:47

but just think about those who do work and certainly are not improving people's lives. Not all jobs are virtuously contributing to society. Working is spending your time doing something in exchange for money.

fakenamefornow · 02/07/2015 22:47

Why are you being nasty to the op dontlaugh her and her partner are happy with their situation, would you rather she worked and was miserable?

MakewayforNoddy · 02/07/2015 22:54

So what's the problem then? If, in addition to having a great lifestyle that both you and your husband are entirely happy with, you're hoping to get support from everyone on Mumsnet you may have come to the wrong place. Most Mums I know struggle to find a balance with work, commuting, childcare and barely have a moment to themselves, never mind pursuit of art or vegetables. You are lucky. Why have you raised the topic?

Dontlaugh · 02/07/2015 22:56

I'm not being nasty, or I didn't think I was.
I certainly didn't intend to be. Regardless of how OP chooses to live her life, I do feel if she has had the benefit of a good education then it wouldn't be unreasonable to wonder would she consider contributing to society in a meaningful manner perhaps in the form of charity work, etc.
Also with no dependents, I would be concerned if OPs marital circs changed. She needs to look at all options.
My points were truly not meant in a nasty way at all.

Doobigetta · 02/07/2015 23:03

It's your business if you want to arse about on a permanent weekend, OP, and your husband's business if he's soft enough to sub it, but don't kid yourself that you're contributing to society somehow, or that you wouldn't be fucked if the magic man-shaped money pot ran out. You're dependent on someone else for your survival. I don't find that enviable.

lemonade30 · 02/07/2015 23:08

I don't find it enviable either but it's the OPS perogative to spend her life as she sees fit and she's not harming anybody.

I can't see the how her particular circumstances are relevant to anybody except herself and her husband.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/07/2015 23:08

It's your life and it obviously works for you.

However, I would inwardly be judgemental and think of you as a 'kept woman' and that actually to live off your husbands money and enjoy the life you want whilst your DH has to work to fund is actually quite selfish. If you had children I would understand it but in your situation I would think you were just taking advantage.

I love that me and DH are equal partner in our marriage. I would never want to be the little wifey who stays at home pottering about whilst he brings home the money. It would just be awful. I'm a self sufficient adult, not somebody who is happy to have an easy life whilst someone else pays for it.

Your situation obviously suits you whereas I see me and my DH as being equal partners and that is what suits us.

CalmYoBadSelf · 02/07/2015 23:10

Of course it isn't sponging! When you are married you are a team and if you are both happy with the arrangement then that's ok

I have professional qualifications and a good job. Since having the DCs I have always worked part-time, sometimes through necessity, sometimes for fear of what the future may hold and sometimes just for extra luxuries but I have never felt it to be an important part of my identity

You might as well enjoy life and spend time doing something fulfilling as toiling away in a meaningless job that no-one will even remember you did

MiddleAgedandConfused · 02/07/2015 23:11

What are you looking for here? Praise that you found a husband who is willing to support you? Gasps of admiration that you are 'arty' and fill your days with worthwhile creative stuff?
Independence clearly means nothing to you - you have a dinner ticket and are milking him for all he is worth.

lemonade30 · 02/07/2015 23:14

if OPs DH believes that she enhances his life so much that he is willing to work his arse off to keep her in the manner to which she is accustomed then bloody well good for her.

He obviously considers that her happiness supersedes his own.

I'd imagine that's rather a lovely position to be in. equal or not

ppolly · 02/07/2015 23:16

I love those inverted commas around the 'arty'.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 02/07/2015 23:21

Sorry - probably an unnecessarily aggressive post - but to say the OP sounds smug and superior about her situation is an understatement.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 02/07/2015 23:24

Look at me.....
My life is fabulous....
I don't have to work...
I contribute to society by being arty...
Don't judge me... I write a blog about my fabulous arty life and you are all enriched by my very existence....

Pthhthhhhhppptttt....

32percentcharged · 02/07/2015 23:26

Yours and your husbands set up wouldnt be something me and mine aspire to... But if it works for you both then what's the problem? You're relying on your DH not the general tax payer to fund your way of living so as long as you're both happy it really isn't anyone else's concern. It's strange that you seem to want it to be everyone elses concern by posting here though

ppolly · 02/07/2015 23:28

Op's post didn't come across that way to me, middle aged. So is the general view then that people should work even if they don't need to? if the gender roles were reversed how would that look?

wafflyversatile · 02/07/2015 23:28

The yellow is a bit but I like this article.

strikemag.org/fuck-your-hard-work/

lemonade30 · 02/07/2015 23:28

I'd you're satisfied with your life then you won't take offence at others expressing their contentment with their own.
nor will you judge those who aren't harming you for making choices which differ from your own.

If you aren't happy with your life then ripping other women to shreds won't change that.

Although it may give you a sneaking sense of superiority for all of ten seconds.

Klayden · 02/07/2015 23:30

I'm not sure what her OP has done to deserve such vitriol.

butterfly133 · 02/07/2015 23:30

OP, I don't think anyone should feel they have to do a job to be worthwhile as a person. I totally see how your household works and it makes sense to me. I think a stay at home partner is really handy. In fact I might like one myself ????

However I do think you need a back up plan in case you break up or indeed if your hubby gets ill or some such. Also, your degrees wouldn't help you in this day and age, but I don't think you'd get a job as such, would you? You could sell your paintings or do freelance writing work.

I also wonder how you'd feel if your hubby asked for a role reversal one day. That's not an attack, it's just a question. I won't do marriage because I want separate incomes and savings. Each to their own.

Malenky · 02/07/2015 23:40

My mum supported my dad through most of their marriage because he "didn't see money as a measure of success" and "didn't see money as the be all and end all of life" and wanted to pursue his hobbies instead. So those were his lofty reasons for not bothering to get a job and support the child he helped create equally. My dad gets vitriol poured on him by everyone, yet you won't, probably because you're a woman and it doesn't seem so alien for women to be supported and financially dependent on someone else. Do what you like and justify it however you want but don't post on AIBU if you only want fluffy answers because my dad was a leech and I've got no respect for him because of his lack of desire for independence or responsibility for himself expressed by his joblessness.

Malenky · 02/07/2015 23:42

Agree 100% with MiddleAged up above, if you're so happy with your life and proud of it why post on here opening it to comment? You just want to show off

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