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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

338 replies

Cantz · 02/07/2015 21:11

I am 38 now, no children and I haven't worked a job since I was 29 and even the it was just part time. My husband works but I don't I have a blog that makes a little money and I sell some art work which brings in something but I don't have a career or a job I am mostly at home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing. It works for us and we are happy after 21 years together.
Lots of my friends have careers some are Doctors, others work in TV or in IT and we still have plenty in common. I want these women, my friends to have what makes them happy and of that is a career then great. I absolutely support the right of a women to do what she wants with her life but I am finding more and more that for me to choose not to have a career, especially as I don't have children is a total taboo.

It often feels like there is huge pressure to go out and get a job, that you cannot be fufilled unless you are in paid employment and that worse by not working you cannot possibley be contributing to society. There are lots of ways a person can make a contribution it isn't all about money or even having kids for that matter.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

OP posts:

whois · 02/07/2015 22:11

I would think 'lucky you' not to have to work but then also really think you were basically really lazy or had some kind of mental health issue which meant you couldn't cope with the world or work.

And I'd struggle with you being happy to be a 'kept woman'and expecting your DH to go out to work to pay for your lifestyle. Much more like a daddy-little girl relationship.

cruikshank · 02/07/2015 22:13

Why is being supposedly 'independently wealthy' ie inheriting money from someone more morally righteous than being supported in your life choices by someone who loves you? It's all still money and it all comes from somewhere.

OP, your life sounds great.

SurlyCue · 02/07/2015 22:14

I think it makes a huge difference that you have someone happy to support you. For many there just isnt that option and working is necessary, not optional.

Original poster

Cantz · 02/07/2015 22:15

Why is it sponging, he is my husband, if he didn't want things to be this way he would say so but it works for us, we like it this way and are happy. Who cares if he is earning the money, we are married and share our resources he benefits from all the things I do just as I benefit from him, that is marriage is it not? If he wanted to stay home and do his hobbies then we would make it work somehow, I would love him not to work but he likes his job.

I feel plenty sense of accomplisment when I finish a painting, or I harvest the fresh veg I have just grown or when I cook them for that evenings supper. I do contribute to in my own way by being creative. I am not stupid if something happened to my marriage I could find work, I have a 1st class degree and a masters degree I would be fine.

I really don't understand why some feel I ought to work even if I don't want to and don't have to that is what I am getting at, paid work is not a moral imperative!

OP posts:

whois · 02/07/2015 22:15

Oh, and I also would give up work if I had a big win on the lottery. But only if to was enough for both me and DP to give up.

I'd be fantastically unfulfilled pottering around the house all day while he worked. I'd want to go places and do things.

cruikshank · 02/07/2015 22:17

In fact, the more I think about it, the better the OP is than people who are supposedly 'independently wealthy' because the money that those families have and pass down endlessly to each other was got through decidedly dodgy means including exploiting others and robbing them of their own wealth and heritage. At least her husband just has a job. Unless he's an arms dealer. He's not an arms dealer, is he, OP?

fakenamefornow · 02/07/2015 22:17

I think works overrated as well, I wonder how many people would work if they won the lottery. I would say that unfortunately most people don't have the option of not working but if that were the case I think it'd be a disaster for the country, who would work as a bin man or carer or clean public toilets if they didn't have to. I say all this as somebody who has a job I really like.

I've always wondered what a careers adviser would say to a fifteen year old girl who said that she didn't want a job she just wanted to get married and stay at home looking after her children and cooking nice dinners.

MillyMollyMandy78 · 02/07/2015 22:19

I should add in our case, my DH absolutely loves his job, it is his passion in life and he would never give it up even if we won the lottery, so he feels no resentment towards our situation. I am actually sirprised how many people on this thread have failed to criticise you OP - not because i think you should be criticised, but merely because i have had a few flamings myself on here regarding my own similar situation! It's nice to hear from some people who do not judge us for the way we live!

FaffingtonBear · 02/07/2015 22:20

No one else's business OP - if you and your husband are happy with the way life I then you're doing fine.

FuckingLiability · 02/07/2015 22:21

We don't have DCs either and we earn roughly the same. I have never wanted to be in a position where I am reliant on my partner for money, which is one of the many reasons I have never wanted children.

I have a career, but even if I didn't have that, I couldn't not do something. If for whatever reason I didn't need to work, I'd volunteer or study because I'd be bored shitless.

howabout · 02/07/2015 22:21

If it is the case that both parties in a relationship have to work so that one is not taking a loan of the other then does that mean that each party has to earn exactly the same amount and within the same hours? Just trying to follow the logic of the argument to the extreme to see if it holds.

Also does this mean you can never get together with anyone with a higher level of existing assets than you unless you pay them a rent?

YANBU Op. However I hope you have considered the impact on your state pension and also building up your own private pension provision.

lemonade30 · 02/07/2015 22:25

of course you aren't being unreasonable.

its your life. If you don't want to work then don't work.

who really cares what you do?

fakenamefornow · 02/07/2015 22:28

I think the bottom line here is actually a dislike of laziness I think it's seen as mortally lacking in some way. Even the op has to paint her life as busy, I wonder if the tone on this thread might have been different if she's said that she doesn't work because she likes to lie on the couch all day watch Jeremy Kyle.

SurlyCue · 02/07/2015 22:29

Thats what i always wanted. To be a mum. I never knew what to answer when people asked what i wanted to be when i grew up. I didnt know, i mean there was no career that appealed to me. But i did know i wanted to be a mum. You cant say that though can you? I am a mum now and love it, and i would love more DC but as a single parent no can do. And i dont want to do it alone tbh, ive done it twice on my own and its not ideal for me. I have to work to support us, no other option. If i got to decide then i would probably stay at home permanently. I see nothing wrong with that. You just have to be able to finance it somehow.

lemonade30 · 02/07/2015 22:29

I still wouldn't give a flying monkeys arse what she chose to do with her time.

It's her life. why would I care?

ppolly · 02/07/2015 22:30

Your life sounds lovely op, it is what a lot of people are aiming for in retirement. The world of paid work is highly overrated. Most people would not do it if they already had enough money to live on.

Wintersprinter · 02/07/2015 22:33

The op is lucky that she has time.. Who cares what she does with her time but she certainly shouldn't have to justify it. I also believe you can contribute greatly to society without being in paid work (if you want to). I have a friend who doesn't work and as a result as the gift of time. She volunteers at a day centre one day and always has time to have a cup if tea with an elderly neighbour or give her a lift to the shops or doctors if she needs it.

cruikshank · 02/07/2015 22:34

I don't see the OP as saying her life is 'busy'. There are other people on here who don't work and then huff and puff about the school run and housework and how hectic it all is and tbh that does grate. But I read what the OP is saying as different to that - she is saying that she is fulfilled. Which is actually a rather nice way to be.

Original poster

Cantz · 02/07/2015 22:36

I pay my stamp so I my pension is covered and I don't claim any benefits as my Husband earns over the limit and no he is not an arms dealer ;)

I do appreciate that others have no choice and have to work and that many want to work. If I needed to or wanted to work I would. I do think it is crazy to think that all I do is leech off my husband and that he gets nothing from me it might not be money but there is much more to life than money. I don't think his cost of living is much higher with me, I don't cost much but his quality of life is much better with me doing the things I do.

Also I am always busy, I never watch TV in the day only really watch films with my Husband in the evening. I am constantly doing things so I am never board and always fufilled in a way that I wouldn't be if I were at work. In a job I used to always feel I was wasting my time. It really is horses for courses!

MillyMollyMandy & Cruikshank thank you for understanding!

OP posts:

Dontlaugh · 02/07/2015 22:37

OP, you are either married to an oligarch (growing veg in St. John's Wood?!)
Or you've underestimated how circumstances can change in a life.
If you were single tomorrow morning, what would you do?
And, yes, I do judge someone with such an education (MA?) who is not contributing to improving life for those not so privileged as you.

Dontlaugh · 02/07/2015 22:39

Also if you're never "board" you should consider spending some of your copious free time on improving your literacy.

Original poster

Cantz · 02/07/2015 22:40

I do say I am busy but that is because I am doing things I want to, the difference is I can easily not do something if I don't feel like it or need to unlike those in work.

If I didn't have things to do, if I did just sit about watching TV all day I am sure I would be very bored indeed. But is that is what a person wishes to do then so be it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantz · 02/07/2015 22:41

Ah the grammer police, I am quickly typing away here on a forum writing an essay!

OP posts:

Wandastartup · 02/07/2015 22:42

I have a career & a PhD although only work 3 days. I'm changing jobs in the autumn and need to work an extra half day. I am already bemoaning the drop in gardening, cooking, sewing time. I wouldn't miss work for a second if I never needed to work again. There are many more ways of mental stimulation than a paid career.

Dontlaugh · 02/07/2015 22:42

Type faster and better! You've no work to get up to, so we will judge!

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