To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

[Cantz]

I am 38 now, no children and I haven't worked a job since I was 29 and even the it was just part time. My husband works but I don't I have a blog that makes a little money and I sell some art work which brings in something but I don't have a career or a job I am mostly at home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing. It works for us and we are happy after 21 years together.
Lots of my friends have careers some are Doctors, others work in TV or in IT and we still have plenty in common. I want these women, my friends to have what makes them happy and of that is a career then great. I absolutely support the right of a women to do what she wants with her life but I am finding more and more that for me to choose not to have a career, especially as I don't have children is a total taboo.

It often feels like there is huge pressure to go out and get a job, that you cannot be fufilled unless you are in paid employment and that worse by not working you cannot possibley be contributing to society. There are lots of ways a person can make a contribution it isn't all about money or even having kids for that matter.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

I am astonished that valid questions involving asking why a 21st century woman with a 3rd level educative who has posted about depending on her husband, has no dependents, doesn't work and clearly doesn't want to, is interpreted as "vitriolic".
Why?
They are valid questions.
Even if OP is happy with her life choices I would question why, from such a privileged position, she's not choosing to benefit others from her good luck in life, in whatever way she sees fit.
It all seems a bit lazy, to me.

3rd level "education"

I have a dear friend in your position OP. Her husband is in the armed forces and they have to move to a different base in a different state every year, so they decided early on that her having any sort of career wasn't practical. They are childfree by choice and in their mid-30s.

She does some occasional retail work in an area she's interested in, and like the OP makes and sells art. She goes to the gym, goes to the cinema alone in the middle of the day and sits in coffee shops and reads books. She also does some amazing voluntary work including working with a charity that provides schooling for homeless children, and language teaching at her husband's military base. She saved my sanity on many occassions when we first moved here and I was stuck in a small apartment with two tiny children, in a strange country where I knew nobody; she lived across the hall and used to turn up at our door with chocolate for me and balloons for the children, and would sit for ages drinking tea and listening to me whinge. I know she also does this for the wives of her husband's colleagues who are deployed overseas for months on end.

I would say she makes a more worthwhile contribution to her community then I ever did in 13 years of paid employment, or do now staying at home with my preschoolers.

What if your husband also didn't want to work or a career?
Or earn much money?
Just had a little blog to make him some money?

How would that work out for you?

mrsfrumble, your friend appears to be contributing more to life than than the OP.
Unless there's more to come.

And what if you lose your husband, he loses his job, and you have no experience and no up to date qualifications?

I certainly wouldn't gamble my life and future on someone else. Partner or no partner.

Borrrrring. Why do so many posters lately want a standing ovation for being economically inactive and bringing up the children they decided to have? Whoopy-do! Makes you happy? FABULOUS. Why do you need endless validation?

OP, your position is, in short, smug, unenlightened, shortsighted and entirely untenable.
Assess your situation, then reassess it without a partner.
Stop channelling Jane Austen.

Apologies OP, you don't have DC. Just cooking and gardening then. Good for you.

OP, thinking about what would happen if your husband no longer supported you isn't grimly living in fear, it's realism. People get ill, people break up, people lose their jobs and can't find another. Look at the difficulties SAHMs experience attempting to return to the workplace.

Do you honestly think that, if your husband lost his job tomorrow and was longterm unemployed, you would easily find reasonably-paid, full-time work in whatever your field was, with a professional CV that is a total blank for almost ten years?

Or would your marriage survive the major shift that would take place if he, reasonably enough, felt he was owed a decade of you supporting him while he grew food, blogged and painted?

I don't mind that you don't work - that's your choice.
What I mind is your post complaining that other people comment that you are not contributing to society - but the reality is that you are not contributing anything to society.
In your own words you are "home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing."*
Sounds to me like those comments are pretty accurate.

True Dontlaugh. My post was more a reaction to the notion - frequently expressed here on MN - that the only way to contribute to society is through paid employment. As I said, other than through PAYE taxes and NI, my career contributed zilch to society. I liked it and was good at it, but I couldn't in all honesty say it was enriching anyone else's life.

Economic activity doesn't automatically confer moral superiority.

YANBU OP. Do what suits you best, if you can. You dont need anybody else's approval. I was very career focused way back when, but left my career to become self-employed in 2003. Im glad I did. No more treadmill and ratrace. I couldn't go back to it now and have no intention of ever working full-time ever again. Im not against those for whom career is everything, its just that it isn't my mindset I feel there's much, much more to life. & Im never bored.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

Well it is if it is your only source of income and way of supporting yourself (like it is for most people)

If you have a separate source of income- trust fund/savings/retirement fund/husband or other person willing to support you, then of course it isn't the be all and end all.

The pressure to go out and get a job is because that is what puts food on the table. I suspect people don't really care what you are doing with your life - probably think, if asked "nice for her" or "god I'd be bored" or "whatever"

I guess all the Op's detractors earn self-sufficient salaries at least equal to those of their dp then if they are so much better protected than her?

Also guess they must consider the more a person is paid the more worthwhile their "contribution"?

I have two issues with your situation. You did ask although it's no one's business actually.

Firstly, you may be absolutely sure your DH wouldn't play away or leave you but no one should be sure. It behooves everyone especially women to cover their arses.

Secondly, I work for a charity. I have always pretty much worked for a charity or non-profit or social services. I got a decent education and feel that it really is just paying my tab and earning my air on the planet to do something that is worthwhile. That doesn't have to be for money, volunteering is great. But just pottering around, I'd feel like I was wasting my talents and energy.

If you had children and you and your DH had made the decision to have one parent work and one parent stay at home that would be a valid choice. But when you don't have kids and have no health issues to have not supported yourself for nearly 10 years through choice? Frankly I'd assume you had some issues that you didn't want to disclose that meant you couldn't hold down a job. Or you DH was excessively controlling and didn't want his wife to have independence (this is the case in one set up I know). Because why would an educated adult chose to infantilise themselves in this way and indeed expose themselves to financial ruin if their OH died or left? It's not about work being the be all and end all, it's about being a grown up who supports yourself and contributes to society. If you were my child I'd think I'd failed as a parent if you think it's ok to be a leech (what's the female equvalent of cock lodger?) and if my child was in a relationship with you I'd encourage them to walk away from someone who is clearly taking advantage of them.

I guess all the Op's detractors earn self-sufficient salaries at least equal to those of their dp then if they are so much better protected than her?
Here, I did. More in fact.
And enough now to be a single parent without any contributions from ex or benefits.
But, even at a lower pay, at the very least they are supporting themselves. Having a better paid partner may enable a higher standard of living, but earning pin money and a bit of cleaning and cooking that I could probably do while holding on a ft job is hardly contributing much to earn her own keep.

Also guess they must consider the more a person is paid the more worthwhile their "contribution"?
Not at all. That is a big jump.

Why does it spell financial ruin for a woman if her DH leaves. As if a man can make or break a woman? Maybe she'd be enterprising and find additional work to do on top of her blog, which does at least make some money. & suppose they both like their relationship that way? How is a woman the equivalent to a cocklodger just because she doesn't work full-time?

A woman's value really should not be determined by how much money she brings to the marriage. Different folks different strokes and thank God for it.

Women pottering around tends to bring out negative comments however, and I feel there's a slight envy there. & a career doesn't have to be the be all and end all for everybody, that would be my worst nightmare but that doesn't mean people with the opposite view to that are wrong.

howabout to be clear, I never equated "being paid" to "making a "contribution".
Salary does not at all equal value to society, community or home.
I have issue with a person with a valuable education, no dependents, and a sizeable amount of free time who chooses to waft around life and then post on MN, when I can see no justification for such frippery.
Such education, talent, skill Nd availability could benefit so many, why not use it? As well as growing vegetables.

how it's about pride and independence , not how much you earn. Not everyone can (or needs to be) a CEO. There is considerable honour and dignity in earning a minimum wage through hard work. Though ironically for one saying the figures don't matter - you seem to feel that they do? Anyway - eager to hear the immeasurable moral and economic worth of gardening, cooking, breathing etc. Or just be honest and say you couldn't be arsed working and you found someone happy to fund you?

How is a woman the equivalent to a cocklodger just because she doesn't work full-time?
If she does and earns the same as a cocklodger, then surely she is the equivalent to a cocklodger.

A woman's value really should not be determined by how much money she brings to the marriage.
It's not, but then her contribution should be equivalent to a full time job.

Would you support a husband who cooked, cleaned, did some gardening and had a blog that brought a few pounds?
Genuine question.

Up to you OP, I make no judgement whatsoever. I had a day off today as am moving house. Quite busy but I did get a bit bored! This from someone who started out working absolutley hating having to go into an office everyday! If I won the lottery I would work but in charity. I like what I leanrn through work. It makes me more confident, it's intellectually stimulating. I love the social interaction with my colleagues and the support staff. I really, really value that aspect. I think work is so much more than (the very important) aspect of earning money. But I do think that after more than a decade in the workplace, my mind has become a little inured to creativity if that makes sense. I am just so conditioned to plodding into work everyday,I have sort of forgotten how to relax and do other things. I have hobbies sure. But my neighbours both retired have very fulfilling lives even though they do not work and I think I've sort of lost the ability to do this in a small way.

Each to their own. There's value in many approaches to life and the wolrd would be a very boring place of it was made up of career oriented people. Incidentally, the people I get on with best are those that aren't career focus, particularly some older retired women who potter around all day. They've got time to chat, they have interesting things to say. Hope this makes sense!

roses retirement is not the same as unemployment. We all hope to retire one day (though as to when...?)

OP if you weren't married, would you still not be in paid employment?