To feel that my friend is only friends with me because I feed her children

[MadHenLady]

My friend, B has three children. Her youngest is the same age as my DD. We've been friends since they were babies.

We used to do lots of things- days out with the children etc- but as they are all school age now, for the last year or so it's been easier to meet at each other's houses.

Well-my house, actually. I have a big garden, B has none, and as my DD is an only, it's just easier to have them around here. The same goes for other friends and their children. I like having company, and I hope people are always made to feel welcome in my home. B and her children come around once every week or so, on a Saturday, the children play, and then we all walk to the leisure centre, where the children all do the same hobby, which starts at 3pm

The problem is this. A few months ago, I lost my job. Luckily I have a new one starting in the Autumn, but things have been very tight on DH's salary alone.

B tends to arrive about 11am. So they are here over lunchtime.. Her children are quite fussy, and will only eat certain things for lunch- ham sandwiches, potato waffles, beans and toast. I buy all these, along with some fresh fruit and juice etc. We are vegetarian and don't eat much bread, so these are things I generally have to buy in specifically.

Anyway, the cost mounts up a bit. So now that we're bloody skint, I'm naturally trying to cut back. Due to a financial fuck up last week, I had about five pounds to last me from Friday to Monday, and I didn't have much food in the house. I just wasn't able to deal with a big lunch for 4 kids. Also, I'm tired, stressed and miserable and I just want to hide. I asked B to come around at 2,instead of 11, thinking that a quick coffee would be nice before we go to the children's class.

B came round, I made coffee, she kept pulling a sort of funny face. Her eldest says 'What's for lunch? I'm STARVING". B says ''yes we'd better get something quickly before class starts''

I said ''oh I would have thought you'd already had lunch. I had nothing in the house this week etc etc"

B started getting stroppy, saying that if she had known, then she would have fed them already, she'd have to take the kids to McDonalds before the class, they were starving, they couldn't be expected to do the class on an empty stomach etc etc.

I just felt this was really rude. I know they eat here often, but surely if you are asked somewhere at 2pm you would eat something beforehand.

There are other things too, now I look back. lots of times when I keep her kids so she can go to appointments etc, she has never returned the favour to me. She had a really rocky time in her marriage for a while, so I was trying to support her, but things are fine now. Tbh I feel like I would like a bit of support now too

No loss, m'dear. You are well rid.

Wow. What a bitch to not even try and sort out the misunderstanding. You're well rid OP.

I hate people that immediately forget everything you have done for them before when you do one thing wrong in their eyes. You are certainly well rid of this person, OP.

Atanco god yes. It's almost like the past didn't exist. You go out of your way to help someone for a long time then you do something they don't ike just the once and it's like the past didn't exist. What are these people on

It is very hurtful and I hope you are OK Hen.

Well your thread title was spot on, wasn't it!

As has been said, you're much better off without her. I'd be happily telling people the story too.

Cheeky bitch! You are well rid op. Honestly sometimes the bloody brass neck of people makes you squirm.

Hope you are ok op.

Ok I'm going to go slightly against the grain here!

I am in your shoes OP in the sense that I "host" a get together that sort of evolved into me providing lunch (and I don't mean the beans on toast type lunch, not that it really matters, but I mean something that needs cooked) for an extra adult and 4 extra children. It wasn't forced upon me, therefore if I resent it it is MY problem. It is so long running now that if I said come at 2 I would imagine the mother would expect me to provide something really quick; a sandwich etc rather than a meal. Lunch at the weekend for me is not set in stone, in fact I think it is perfectly reasonable at 2 or even 3 as kids wake up later etc.

DISCLAIMER: I was not brought up in mainland UK and come from a background which is known for generosity, esp in hosting. For me it would be most bizarre if someone came to my house and they brought a packed lunch for their children (which is what many people are saying they do) For me you cannot take something to someone's house and not proffer it; I would bring multi packs of crisps/drinks/sandwiches to share/offer with everyone. Ditto for me it is strange for someone to "do" lunch in my house (unless maybe there is an agreed before arrangement)

Whilst you seem to have more deep rooted issues with your friend than the lunch incident, I do think YWBU in resenting the arrangement and not saying anything. Your friend WBU in her reaction, but in her shoes I would feel utterly mortified and hurt that you couldn't straight out say what was in your mind.

I am not trying to justify your friends behavior, but to show it from a different perspective. Some people need to be told something bluntly, they aren't good at reading subtleties. I realize now that many parents may be talking about me because I wouldn't dream of sending my child to a friends with a packed lunch, I would have thought that that would be an insult to the host!

I agree, anon, that some British people have a very poor understanding of hospitality - more than I realised, if Mumsnet's any indicator! (FWIW, I don't think it is an indicator.) At the same time, we do have an underlying sense of reciprocity. In these hard times, when a lot of us are counting pennies, the give/receive balance comes to the fore.

According to our customs, this 'friend' should have been making efforts to bring something nice for OP and her DC, or offering to take them all out for lunch every few weeks. Since she made no such gesture beyond a packet of biscuits, and has blanked OP for failing to act like a free restaurant, she really was taking unfair advantage.

Yes I totally agree that the friend should have been bringing something, (I would never go to someones house and not bring something) but some people have not been raised with such customs or it just wouldn't occur to them (so if the host is tight for cash/feeling resentful then she should say something/suggest she brings something) For me you aren't really friends with someone if you can't talk about these things.

It is interesting for me to get insight into general "British" customs, I have a very mixed bunch of friends and it is good to keep yourself right!

to quote seaoflove

Who in their right mind would strop on at a friend like that? Only an entitled cowbag who doesn't give a shit about you or your problems. You are just a free lunch to her.

I had a 'friend' similar to yours who didn't listen to me or my problems but 'used' me as her single friend for going out with as she had a young DD and was separated from the father.

she moved workplace to my town workplace and we'd meet for lunch. I was being bullied relentlessly by 2 work colleagues, she was also being I suppose picked on but she was a very difficult woman and didn't like to fit in. One day she was going on about some women being nasty to her and I mentioned my bullying problem (hadn't gone on about it just mentioned it) and she was all like 'oh really, I didn't know' etc and tried to make out her situation was far worse than mine so she didn't give a shit about me and my problems as I was only there for her to use. There is more to the story to this but I ditched the friend when she was spectacularly rude and tried to use me again.

I now distance myself or watch for this behaviour.

Your friend was using you plain and simple. just don't get suckered in (like I did) in future if she tries to apologise by a protestation of 'I'm your friend though' or in my case 'I'm your BEST friend though' - yes but on YOUR terms and YOUR say-so. friends generally stick with you through thick and thin all your problems etc and take them on board and are understanding.

Well OP, it looks like you are going to be much better off without her, financially and emotionally. Congratulations

anon my family are brought up within the Mediterranean culture, it is custom when guests come, to give them hospitality, basically what you have you put out. However the 'friend' took advantage of op hospitality time and time again, yes op should have spoken up sooner, if it was annoying her, arranged to meet the friend at the venue instead.

The friends reaction says it all, a normal person would have not expected a family of 5 to be fed at 2pm, and would have been embarrassed by their actions. Op has said to her that she is skint, and short of money, so a good friend would have brought lunch round, after op has fed and watered them in the past. Mabey her response is because she is embarrassed, but she has not apologised to op for her dreadful behaviour. OP is well rid of this millstone round her neck, her wallet will be a lot more fuller, not having to feed a family of 5 every week.

Mabey considering 'friends' Rhino hide, op should have stipulated to her that she can come round after lunch, for a quick coffee before the activity. That she would have to eat lunch at hers and then come round, but why should she. In the UK, lunch is usually between 12-1.30pm, 2pm is after lunch, but because we are talking about a freeloader, not the average person, she still expected her and her big family to be fed at 2pm.

Yes I do think a quick text (after friend had texted "You still ok for Saturday?") saying "Fine, come for coffee at 2, then we'll head to activity" would have removed the assumptions from both sides.

Obviously I don't know the in's and out's, but there are people who just genuinely don't know how to read "subtle" cues. I have a friend like this; you invite her for lunch and tell her you have to leave the house at 6pm. She will still be there until you are pulling out of the driveway! It just doesn't seem to occur to her that the proper/polite thing would be to leave an hour earlier to let us get ready. I now say things like "I'm going out at 6, so it's fine for you to stay until 5. That will give me time to get ready".

Problem sorted.

But OP it seems that the end of the friendship is a bonus for you anyway :-)

Anon, I think op did need to be more explicit to friend, but friends reaction was absolutely disgusting. If I were in friends position, I woukd have asked op if there were a shop nearby so I çoukd get kids some food, or if we can pop into MaccyD before so kids çoukd eat

Yes I agree friend's reaction was terrible.

Agree with anon, and I am from UK. Lunch in this house is around 2pm at the weekends, as the kids get up later. I can see how the situation arose here, perhaps Op's friend assumed they'd be having a quick lunch at 2 - given that the pattern of having lunch at the Op's every Saturday has already been set for some time. Op, you sound like a lovely and generous friend, but I do think you perhaps should've asked your friend some time ago to bring a contribution.

Having said that, however, she did behave awfully when she realised what had happened - and the way she has acted since then shows you're well rid of her!

Hopefully she'll come to her senses and realise how rude she was. To give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps some of her anger may have been due to hunger and anxiety about getting food into her kids before their activity. At least I hope that was a major part of it. I do think it's bizarre to assume that 2pm is good time for lunch, especially for the kids as she kept them waiting a few hours longer under this assumption. Since you moved the time to 2pm from the normal lunchtime, I would have probably checked that I should take care of lunch for myself and kids as the time was different.

I don't particularly think you need to send any email to her, except to say that you will be holding off from the pre-activity play dates for a while until you're in a better place financially - hopefully she'll have the grace to feel ashamed when you subtly make the point about not being able to feed her and her kids every week.

Well 2 pm may be lunch time in individual houses but it's in no way a universal lunch time is it? That's crap.

At first it could have been a misunderstanding and she got a bit flustered by the change in routine but then her behaviour since speaks volumes, stropping about and ignoring you is unfair of her.

rain there is no excuse for her shocking behaviour afterwards, and the lack of apology and avoiding her on the day of activity is very very telling. Op is best off having nothing more to do with this freeloader. Her behaviour as a friend hasen't been very good, expecting op to be there for her, but not reciprocating when op needed a friend. She is an out and out user, who kept her dcs hungry until they reached op house at 2pm. By gosh they must have been hungry by 1pm and whining at mum for food, so she should have bloody fed them, instead of making them wait until 2pm and freeloading off op. No wonder she was pissed off if she got nothing at op. She just want's to freeload.