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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel that my friend is only friends with me because I feed her children

171 replies

MadHenLady · 02/07/2015 11:26

My friend, B has three children. Her youngest is the same age as my DD. We've been friends since they were babies.

We used to do lots of things- days out with the children etc- but as they are all school age now, for the last year or so it's been easier to meet at each other's houses.

Well-my house, actually. I have a big garden, B has none, and as my DD is an only, it's just easier to have them around here. The same goes for other friends and their children. I like having company, and I hope people are always made to feel welcome in my home. B and her children come around once every week or so, on a Saturday, the children play, and then we all walk to the leisure centre, where the children all do the same hobby, which starts at 3pm

The problem is this. A few months ago, I lost my job. Luckily I have a new one starting in the Autumn, but things have been very tight on DH's salary alone.

B tends to arrive about 11am. So they are here over lunchtime.. Her children are quite fussy, and will only eat certain things for lunch- ham sandwiches, potato waffles, beans and toast. I buy all these, along with some fresh fruit and juice etc. We are vegetarian and don't eat much bread, so these are things I generally have to buy in specifically.

Anyway, the cost mounts up a bit. So now that we're bloody skint, I'm naturally trying to cut back. Due to a financial fuck up last week, I had about five pounds to last me from Friday to Monday, and I didn't have much food in the house. I just wasn't able to deal with a big lunch for 4 kids. Also, I'm tired, stressed and miserable and I just want to hide. I asked B to come around at 2,instead of 11, thinking that a quick coffee would be nice before we go to the children's class.

B came round, I made coffee, she kept pulling a sort of funny face. Her eldest says 'What's for lunch? I'm STARVING". B says ''yes we'd better get something quickly before class starts''

I said ''oh I would have thought you'd already had lunch. I had nothing in the house this week etc etc"

B started getting stroppy, saying that if she had known, then she would have fed them already, she'd have to take the kids to McDonalds before the class, they were starving, they couldn't be expected to do the class on an empty stomach etc etc.

I just felt this was really rude. I know they eat here often, but surely if you are asked somewhere at 2pm you would eat something beforehand.

There are other things too, now I look back. lots of times when I keep her kids so she can go to appointments etc, she has never returned the favour to me. She had a really rocky time in her marriage for a while, so I was trying to support her, but things are fine now. Tbh I feel like I would like a bit of support now too

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 02/07/2015 14:51

I'm glad you've been talked out of apologizing. If she's the type of person I think she is, she'll be waiting for it, because she won't think she has done anything wrong - and then she'll want to get straight back to the status quo.

SugarOnTop · 02/07/2015 15:00

a genuine friend doesn't behave in such a rude and entitled manner nor do they sit back and let you babysit and feed their kids for free every week - esp for a whole year! and to then give you attitude instead of laughing it off means she knows she's taking advantage and she doesn't even have the basic common decency to give you any respect or thanks.

i think she cottoned onto the fact that you're a generous and kind hearted person and has taken advantage of that - A LOT. i wouldn't apologise to her - i'd be expecting her to apologise to me. i would also suggest that if she texts you about the kids coming round again - and you want them over - then text her back telling her to send packed lunches with her kids - no explanation. If she asks then by all means vaguely mention that you're on a budget. the cheeky mare!

this sounds like a one way friendship. try cutting back on the childminding/babysitting and feeding and see which colours of her real self she shows.

BastardGoDarkly · 02/07/2015 15:03

Haveabreak Grin

MarchLikeAnAnt · 02/07/2015 15:12

YANBU a good friend would bring lunch round if they knew you were struggling.

Pumpkinpositive · 02/07/2015 15:16

Another one who thinks you're too nice, OP. Thanks

And don't go buying meat dishes for other hangers on people if you wouldn't eat them yourself, especially now that money is tight.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 02/07/2015 15:31

If you do ever feed them lunch again only give them jam sandwiches and diluting juice. (40p jam, 55p loaf, 60p diluting juice from value/ smart price ranges).

grapejuicerocks · 02/07/2015 16:15

Ok so lets give her the benefit of the doubt. Lets say she had genuinely thought she was still invited to lunch, albeit at a later time. How would a normal person react when they realise that they had made a mistake and the kids wouldn't be fed.
Maybe
"oh I'm really sorry, i wasn't thinking. i just assumed that we'd be eating lunch as normal. I can't believe I was so silly. Would it be ok to get them a quick sandwich but (the realisation of why they are not being fed dawns) obviously next week we can... (offers to redress the balance.)

But then again, most normal people wouldn't have abused your generosity in the first place.

AyeAmarok · 02/07/2015 18:33

I think Quint's text was fine btw, you should send it.

RachieS1986 · 02/07/2015 19:54

yanbo. Your "friend" is extremely rude. If I was B I would certainly be bringing food with me every week if im coming with 4 fussy children id never be assuming you were going to feed them every Saturday especially after 2pm.

I'm completelyShock

Balacqua · 02/07/2015 20:05

Me too absolutely Shock but I get this as well- and strangely, not from my real friends but from school run mums who come for a playdate and then expect to have tea with the kids as well - which I would never, ever expect- and then don't offer in return! I'm a meal ticket for those grabby fuckers!

Fatmomma99 · 02/07/2015 20:08

I can't add to what's been said already, except here's another person who thinks you're lovely. And good luck standing up for yourself!

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 02/07/2015 20:14

Bitch

Stealthpolarbear · 02/07/2015 20:30

people are saying the op should spell it out that she is skint
if the friend had listened she would know

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2015 20:43

How rude is she Shock, what a thick hide she has. 2pm is way after lunch, lazy arse shoukd have fed them beforehand. Next time just meet at the leisure centre and make your own way home, she sounds like a user.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2015 20:49

Then don't continue it, grow a backbone and say no I'll meet you there, it's better that way, after his you behaved to me.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2015 20:59

I would have nothing more to do with her and certainly woukd not be doing any apologising, don't you dare op, she should be apologising to you for her awful behaviours. Lunch is nit at 2pm, it's between 12-1pm, any normal oerson knows that.

Lovepancakes · 02/07/2015 21:08

I would have a very honest, calm conversation (not text) when you next see her about how you feel and that you feel unhappy that it is always you feeding her children and her and even assuming you will at well past lunch-time. Explain never feels like she's a friend in return and just say you're sure she didn't realise (giving benefit of the doubt) but could she please bring lunch too?

Lovepancakes · 02/07/2015 21:11

(For what it's worth I sound similar to you OP but once had a boss who walked over me and took advantage of a gentler nature and after too long putting up with it I had a very honest and firm chat starting by saying I wanted to speak to her about something important and that I just wasn't prepared to be treated in a certain way etc. It made a massive impact and she apologised and was so respectful after that . I really recommend standing up to it and clearing the air

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2015 21:40

Her behaviour would be a dealbreaker, I personally would not wan to be friends with somebody like that.

Purplepoodle · 02/07/2015 21:46

Why on earth were u buying separate food? I would have offered what we had or they could have starved. When things were tight I would have told her you couldn't do lunch anymore.

Her attitude ducks but you let yourself be a doormat

rollonthesummer · 02/07/2015 21:49

I wouldn't want this person to come to my house again! Please let us know if she texts you about this Saturday-we can think up a suitable response!

Ethylred · 02/07/2015 23:02

If you fed me children I'd go to the police.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/07/2015 23:16

I agree that you probably shouldn't apologise - as you simply don't have anything to apologise for! You have been very generous in the past and she is being really cheeky expecting this every week, especially when she knows you are struggling financially. A packet of Jaffa cakes every now and again is not anything compared to what you have been providing. I have a lot of friends who are vegetarian, and there is no way on earth that I would expect them to buy in meat for me or my children!!!!

Just a slight variation on what Quint said might be:

'I understand that you were obviously upset about the confusion over lunch, as you know we are struggling at the minute and I cant afford to feed 5 extra people now I have lost my job, I thought you would realize, and I felt too embarrassed to spell it out. ''

As others have said, I think that you will be able to judge quite easily the value of this friendship by her reaction.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 03/07/2015 03:21

But that text doesn't address her unbelievable rudeness. And why should OP even have to make the 'first move'? During this incident the 'friend' was rude, spoilt, selfish, childish and deliberately obtuse. Why advise contacting her ever again?
It's not so much about whether the OP can afford to feed them - though that is the straw that broke the camel's back - but that she has been taken advantage of. (Whether OP is guilty of allowing that to happen is a different debate!) I don't see why OP should have to defend her actions or justify not making lunch by saying she can't afford it. It's not entirely the point and none of the 'friend's' business.

Sconejamcream · 03/07/2015 06:38

Do not apologise, you did nothing wrong. Let her contact you and never give her lunch or meet at hers for a change. She's a freeloading piss taking angry twat.

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