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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel that my friend is only friends with me because I feed her children

171 replies

MadHenLady · 02/07/2015 11:26

My friend, B has three children. Her youngest is the same age as my DD. We've been friends since they were babies.

We used to do lots of things- days out with the children etc- but as they are all school age now, for the last year or so it's been easier to meet at each other's houses.

Well-my house, actually. I have a big garden, B has none, and as my DD is an only, it's just easier to have them around here. The same goes for other friends and their children. I like having company, and I hope people are always made to feel welcome in my home. B and her children come around once every week or so, on a Saturday, the children play, and then we all walk to the leisure centre, where the children all do the same hobby, which starts at 3pm

The problem is this. A few months ago, I lost my job. Luckily I have a new one starting in the Autumn, but things have been very tight on DH's salary alone.

B tends to arrive about 11am. So they are here over lunchtime.. Her children are quite fussy, and will only eat certain things for lunch- ham sandwiches, potato waffles, beans and toast. I buy all these, along with some fresh fruit and juice etc. We are vegetarian and don't eat much bread, so these are things I generally have to buy in specifically.

Anyway, the cost mounts up a bit. So now that we're bloody skint, I'm naturally trying to cut back. Due to a financial fuck up last week, I had about five pounds to last me from Friday to Monday, and I didn't have much food in the house. I just wasn't able to deal with a big lunch for 4 kids. Also, I'm tired, stressed and miserable and I just want to hide. I asked B to come around at 2,instead of 11, thinking that a quick coffee would be nice before we go to the children's class.

B came round, I made coffee, she kept pulling a sort of funny face. Her eldest says 'What's for lunch? I'm STARVING". B says ''yes we'd better get something quickly before class starts''

I said ''oh I would have thought you'd already had lunch. I had nothing in the house this week etc etc"

B started getting stroppy, saying that if she had known, then she would have fed them already, she'd have to take the kids to McDonalds before the class, they were starving, they couldn't be expected to do the class on an empty stomach etc etc.

I just felt this was really rude. I know they eat here often, but surely if you are asked somewhere at 2pm you would eat something beforehand.

There are other things too, now I look back. lots of times when I keep her kids so she can go to appointments etc, she has never returned the favour to me. She had a really rocky time in her marriage for a while, so I was trying to support her, but things are fine now. Tbh I feel like I would like a bit of support now too

OP posts:
CrystalCove · 02/07/2015 12:06

That text is still too nice. You've done nothing wrong and she's ignoring you??? I would put this friendship on hold permanently.

Nolim · 02/07/2015 12:07

Yanbu

JillBYeats · 02/07/2015 12:07

I have a friend just like you OP, she is so generous and accommodating and feeds her dc's friends families a lot of the time. Then she feels annoyed at being taken advantage of, from where I am standing she is too accommodating/too generous and needs to step back a bit and zip her mouth shut when she feels a kind offer coming on. Her friends take advantage of her kindness and seem to have stopped appreciating her. Like you her generosity is rarely reciprocated. If it was eked out a bit they will appreciate it more. Like you she loves to feed and entertain people but they just expect it now and they shouldn't.

SocksRock · 02/07/2015 12:08

Mine are in meltdown if they aren't fed by about 12.30. No way would I assume that a 2pm invite includes lunch. But then I usually supply food if we are somewhere. Last time my over the road neighbour had my three kids for 3 hours (over tea time) I sent them with two bags of chicken nuggets and a couple of packs of biscuits. It's just polite, no one can feed so many extra time an time again.

MadHenLady · 02/07/2015 12:09

I do feel embarrassed about telling people I'm skint tbh

Yes Sanity we managed to buy our house cheaply, because it was the most disgusting mess when we moved in. The house itself is very small, but the garden is big in comparison- one of those houses built when everybody had 12 kids to a room and a big garden for their goat and their veggie patch Grin we have fixed it up nicely though

OP posts:
Corygal · 02/07/2015 12:10

Mean, greedy and rude. YANBU - hope she clears off soon to find a new slave.

Flowers to you for being so lovely about it.

BastardGoDarkly · 02/07/2015 12:11

I'd leave it op.

She's not being a very good friend to you at all.

Just wait for her to get in touch. See what she says, if she doesn't, then you know where you stand.

mamaslatts · 02/07/2015 12:13

How about 'sorry about the confusion over lunch, didn't realise you were such an entitled fucking user. At least I know where I stand.' Hmm

This sounds very upsetting for you OP, it was blatently obvious she would have to feed her own children on this occasion, she was just being lazy/tight. I also think with an 'only' surely it would be easier for you to go to other people's rather than the other way round? I have 3 and would never expect someone else to feed the gannets on a regular basis. (plus their mother). I remember inviting one child for a playdate, mum brought all three and stayed herself expecting them all to be fed, finishing off with racist remarks and constant questions about the cost of everything in my house. Nope, they never came back.

MadHenLady · 02/07/2015 12:13

Oh god Jill I think I am your friend.

My mum is exactly the same, and as a teen I used to think ''ffs'' because I could see how easy it was for people to practically invite themselves round and be fed. But mum LOVES having people round, and loves cooking etc, so it did always start from a position of her WANTING to do it. But then, yes, they start taking the piss, and she gets annoyed because she can't see why. Though she is better now, my dad is antisocial and put his foot down

I think this is turning into a life lesson for me. I think I need to pull back a good deal and perhaps be a little more selfish

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/07/2015 12:14

Yes I like Quints suggestion.

op I'm afraid yours still sounds vague and hedging around the issue! You still don't actually say what the problem is, just that 'things are hard' which could be read in any way by your friend... Hard as in emotionally? Practically? Can't make an effort? It makes it easy for her to turn it back on you (especially as she sounds like a user). And doesn't set up the rules going forwards, just a soft suggestion again allowing her room to push back.

Quints text both gives her an 'out' for her behaviour this time, but makes it perfectly clear what the issue is and that if she tries to force herself & her children on you again, she will be doing this in spite of knowing you really cannot afford it and won't have food in the house.

Good luck, it's hard to be firm sometimes Flowers

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 02/07/2015 12:16

Omg op, can't believe she stropped and ignored you. She's an absolute piss taker.

'Hi, I think there was some confusion last Saturday. As you're aware I lost my job and money is tight. As such I can't afford to offer you lunch anymore. See you at 3pm at the leisure centre'

If she's got half an ounce of decency she'll be mortified and invite you round to hers for lunch!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/07/2015 12:16

I wouldn't send her a thing and I certainly wouldn't apologise. Are you mad?

Bloody rude woman - she should have been mortified to have assumed you would be feeding them [if she hadn't thought about it before turning up at 2pm] and certainly not bawled you out over it.

EthelDurant123 · 02/07/2015 12:17

Yanbu. I would have a word.

LapsedTwentysomething · 02/07/2015 12:24

Don't use the word sorry.

'Before [the activity] this week, please can you bring lunch for all of us as I can't afford to do it every week? See you Saturday'.

If she doesn't reply / turn up, tell her she's rude, a user and no longer welcome.

WickedWax · 02/07/2015 12:25

I would just leave it, don't bother getting in contact and don't mention the weekend again.

Once she realises that her free lunches and childcare have stopped I have a feeling she won't be interested in meeting up with you much more anyway, sorry.

QuintShhhhhh · 02/07/2015 12:25

However, in a perfect world you should of course send mamaslatts text, that would be more assertive and would perfectly display your anger at her rudeness.

MadHenLady · 02/07/2015 12:33

OK, I'll leave the text. She usually texts me about now, with something like ''still OK to come round Saturday?"

If she does, will I text back and ask her to bring lunch?

If she doesn't text at all, I will just leave it

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 02/07/2015 12:34

Don't apologise, don't text, don't invite!

I would avoid and be breezy with the friend, ignore it if she is off with you and let the Dds play at school for now.

BabyGanoush · 02/07/2015 12:34

gosh she is entitled and rude, what a shame.

OP, you'll have to say something long the lines of: I love your company and having over, but we are skint now due to job loss so can't afford to host lunch any longer. Are you ok with meeting up at venue instead?

She thinks she now has a right to lunch at your house though (that is how some people's minds work, it is now an established "right" in her mind, and she might think you mean for withdrawing it, but really that is HER problem.)

She doesn't sound much of a friend TBH, real friends care about things being reciprocal, and are sensitive about other people's finances.

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 02/07/2015 12:35

Sounds like a good plan, op.

She'd still be quids in if you took turns to do lunch as she has 3 children and you have 1!

BabyGanoush · 02/07/2015 12:37

sounds like a bad plan, as she might grudgingly bring a bit of food the once, and then you are back at square one.

And really, as she has shown her true colours, OP may not even want to continue this cosy arrangement....

MadHenLady · 02/07/2015 12:39

I really don't want to continue it tbh. The more I look at our friendship, the more I feel she has got a lot more out of it than I ever did.

What's that thing everyone says, about when shit things happen who find out who really cares about you?

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 02/07/2015 12:39

Normally lunch would not be expected at 2pm. However as the usual routine is lunch I can see why she would be confused. I think you should have mentioned just coming for coffee.

DamnBamboo · 02/07/2015 12:40

Expecting to be fed at 2pm for lunch is ridiculous.
She should have fed her kids.
This is not your problem.
It might have been wise to say 'come at 2pm, after I've fed DD and tidied' etc. Not for her benefit but just so you're being explicitly clear and she gets it!

IDontDoIroning · 02/07/2015 12:47

So you have been hosting / feeding 3 kids and an adult every week for a year and apart from some Jaffa cakes she has never contributed or reciprocated. Not only that her DC are fussy and insist on certain more expensive foods. And now she's pissed off with you for closing the free cafe. Sorry but I would be thinking fuck that, and be glad she's not speaking to me.
It is possible she was embarrassed and hadn't realised quite how much she was taking you for granted - but I doubt it.
If there are only you your dp and dd in your household, depending on the ages of the older children her and her brood are eating at least one maybe two family meals worth of your food budget. Let her sulk and save your money,