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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel that my friend is only friends with me because I feed her children

171 replies

MadHenLady · 02/07/2015 11:26

My friend, B has three children. Her youngest is the same age as my DD. We've been friends since they were babies.

We used to do lots of things- days out with the children etc- but as they are all school age now, for the last year or so it's been easier to meet at each other's houses.

Well-my house, actually. I have a big garden, B has none, and as my DD is an only, it's just easier to have them around here. The same goes for other friends and their children. I like having company, and I hope people are always made to feel welcome in my home. B and her children come around once every week or so, on a Saturday, the children play, and then we all walk to the leisure centre, where the children all do the same hobby, which starts at 3pm

The problem is this. A few months ago, I lost my job. Luckily I have a new one starting in the Autumn, but things have been very tight on DH's salary alone.

B tends to arrive about 11am. So they are here over lunchtime.. Her children are quite fussy, and will only eat certain things for lunch- ham sandwiches, potato waffles, beans and toast. I buy all these, along with some fresh fruit and juice etc. We are vegetarian and don't eat much bread, so these are things I generally have to buy in specifically.

Anyway, the cost mounts up a bit. So now that we're bloody skint, I'm naturally trying to cut back. Due to a financial fuck up last week, I had about five pounds to last me from Friday to Monday, and I didn't have much food in the house. I just wasn't able to deal with a big lunch for 4 kids. Also, I'm tired, stressed and miserable and I just want to hide. I asked B to come around at 2,instead of 11, thinking that a quick coffee would be nice before we go to the children's class.

B came round, I made coffee, she kept pulling a sort of funny face. Her eldest says 'What's for lunch? I'm STARVING". B says ''yes we'd better get something quickly before class starts''

I said ''oh I would have thought you'd already had lunch. I had nothing in the house this week etc etc"

B started getting stroppy, saying that if she had known, then she would have fed them already, she'd have to take the kids to McDonalds before the class, they were starving, they couldn't be expected to do the class on an empty stomach etc etc.

I just felt this was really rude. I know they eat here often, but surely if you are asked somewhere at 2pm you would eat something beforehand.

There are other things too, now I look back. lots of times when I keep her kids so she can go to appointments etc, she has never returned the favour to me. She had a really rocky time in her marriage for a while, so I was trying to support her, but things are fine now. Tbh I feel like I would like a bit of support now too

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 03/07/2015 06:43

No way should OP text the "friend". Wait for her to text you about the weekend and then send the reply someone else suggested telling her to do one.

I might reply along the lines of "No, you are not welcome because of the way you behaved this week."

Has she sent her usual text yet, or apologised?

Inkanta · 03/07/2015 06:49

I would say - 'friend, I'm sick and tired of having to feed you your kids.'

luciferswench · 03/07/2015 06:51

How rude of her to expect that you feed her and her kids every week. 2pm for coffee is most definitely not a lunch invite. Feeding her children is her responsibility.
Definitely dont text her first wait for her to text you, if she doesnt then you know she was just using you as a free feed.
I would never expect my vegetarian friends to buy meat products in for me real friends dont put demands on friends we get what we are given Wink

merrymouse · 03/07/2015 06:55

Even if you invited her for 11am it would be odd to get huffy with somebody who provided meals for you family every week with no reciprocation.

oabiti · 03/07/2015 07:10

I would ask her what time she feeds her children at lunch time when you are not around.

It seems like she has made this friendship all about her & blatantly disregarded your needs.

Tell her to do one.

IDontDoIroning · 03/07/2015 07:12

Don't text her.
She is probably expecting you to apologise and slip back into you providing free food and a couple of hours entertainment.
If she does text you you should reply in accordance with the text.
So an apology - accept the apology but politely say the previous arrangement isn't working. Suggest an alternative arrangement if you want to keep seeing her .
No apology but a breezy see you Saturday as usual? - give her both barrels.

Preciousbane · 03/07/2015 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HSMMaCM · 03/07/2015 09:37

If my DD wanted special food, I would provide it. I certainly wouldn't expect a vegetarian family to buy and store meat in their fridge !

Your friend is just generally rude and entitled.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2015 09:49

Op apoligise for what exactly! Constantly providing this nasty freeloader and her kids with lunch every week, even though you are skint, her horrid and downright disgusting behaviour towards you, yes it is disgusting, because she expected lunch after lunchtime and you quite rightly did not have. Sorry op your best off without this waster in you life, you have seen her true colours, she is no friend.

Inkanta · 03/07/2015 10:12

Actually think I would say - 'you can come on Saturday - but I'm not feeding you all OK'.

And maybe ...'sulk all you like - but I've had enough of that game'

honeyroar · 03/07/2015 10:14

I think I would be a text saying " I can't believe you're sulking and ignoring me after the misunderstanding about lunch last week. I have been providing lunches for months and you have only ever contributed the odd packet of biscuits now and again, even when I've told you that we're struggling since I lost my job. If anyone should be sulking it should be me!"

chewymeringue · 03/07/2015 10:15

But would you really want someone like that over to your house every Saturday? I certainly wouldn't. That would be it for me.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2015 10:25

Exactly chewy, I woukd not someone like that in my house at all.

toastyarmadillo · 03/07/2015 10:39

Interested to hear what happens this Saturday so marking my place.

Btw yanbu she's a user

CainInThePunting · 03/07/2015 11:18

Can you imagine the flaming that would result from a post in AIBU along the lines of:
"AIBU because my kids and I normally go to a friends house every Sat @ 11 and we have lunch then go to class @ 3. This week she asked us to come @ 2 and then she didn't provide lunch! My kids were starving and we had to go to McDs on the way to class!"

You don't owe her anything. If you invite her again just say "come @ 2 again as I can't do lunch." Don't apologise, just state fact.
YANBU.

Garlick · 03/07/2015 11:31

For future reference, Hen, there is nothing wrong with being direct :) I understand it may feel a bit scary to you, but this is only because you've developed a bad habit.

Things you can say that are not in the least offensive:
Come for lunch, please bring bread & ham for your DC. I'll do the rest.
Come at 2pm, best if you have lunch first.
I can't do lunch any more, come for coffee.
No, that's not good for me. How about XYZ instead?
Let's have lunch at yours instead.

You ARE NOT obliged to apologise or explain yourself! Enjoy the new direct you Flowers

LoisEinhorn · 03/07/2015 12:11

Yes don't mention lunch. The way its worded makes its sound that it was ok for her to use you and that at some point you are willing to do it again,

Kaekae · 03/07/2015 12:23

She's taking the piss big time. I would always feed my kids before I went anywhere unless we'd specifically been asked for lunch. I wouldn't text her but if she sent me a text then I would reply with come over after lunch time for a coffee. Or I am doing the children's lunch at xx so come after that. This will be a subtle hint to feed her kids beforehand!

girliefriend · 03/07/2015 12:32

I wouldn't text her, unbelievably rude of her to turn up at 2pm expecting lunch!

My friend and I occasionally do this but normally the 'guest' will bring some of the lunch (bread, cheese, cake etc) with them.

I would def step right back and yes to being more selfish in the future!!

barbecue · 03/07/2015 12:36

Ask her to provide the food next time "Can we take turns with providing the food as we never meet at your house?"

Whatisaweekend · 03/07/2015 17:00

Has she texted you yet about her next free lunch?!

TheMaddHugger · 04/07/2015 05:39

Update Please Smile

MokunMokun · 04/07/2015 06:25

I totally agree that you have nothing to apologise. If she turns up at 11am don't feed them!! Just say you're still upset about her behavior last week and don't want to do lunch anymore as it feels too one sided. See you later at the leisure centre.

echt · 04/07/2015 06:32

Ask her to provide the food next time "Can we take turns with providing the food as we never meet at your house?"

This, if you can get past her blanking you.

Stitchintime1 · 04/07/2015 07:03

It's easy to see why she thought lunch would be at yours. 1pm, 2pm - both are lunchtime and that's the routine. Very rude and wrong of her to get so stroppy.

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