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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross that DH has taken himself on holiday for a couple of days without saying

107 replies

fluffybunnies246 · 01/07/2015 21:24

I only found out after I text him to ask where he was.

He said he needed to get away to 'clear his head' so has taken a couple of days off work and gone to the seaside. I'm here with the kids.

Found out last night he'd cheated on me. I was extremely upset, then we agreed to try and work things out. But now he's just b***d off!!!!

He seems to think that this is ok behaviour. He's said 'sorry'. It's not the first time he's just taken himself off. He said he'll see us Friday night. I'm thinking that actually, perhaps the kids and I deserve some time away too and maybe we should go camping for the weekend. Which is partly me being immature and partly the kids love camping and it's really, really hot in our bedrooms.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffybunnies246 · 02/07/2015 08:00

worldsbiggestgrotbag aw not another one. I hope things were ok with your dad.

as much as I'd like to empty the joint account and cancel his cards we don't have one as he has an issue with sharing resources. Which doesn't bode well for a marriage really, does it.

Ah well. Told the OW extremely politely what has happened as apparently she didn't know we'd got back together as a family. If that's true it's not fair on her to be lumbered with such a piece of work. And if she's happy with someone so loose with their morals then that's her choice and good luck to her.

OP posts:
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 02/07/2015 08:02

fluffy it all worked out for the best, we were very happy with my dad and still much closer to him now!
I hope everything works out for you Flowers

GERTI · 02/07/2015 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lem73 · 02/07/2015 08:07

Op please listen to all the pps telling you to get your affairs sorted out. My friend's ex took off like that and it turned out he was with the OW. Because my friend couldn't believe he'd actually leave her, she didn't act quickly enough to protect herself. Please protect yourself financially and also keep record as much of your communication as possible. Good luck.

NinkyNonkers · 02/07/2015 08:08

I would scope around and do an experian credit check on him, get that dated and printed so you have an up to date proof of any debt he may have at present. At least his having kept resources separate may make it easier to disentangle.

Seriously, listen to the ladies here and on the relationship board. You won't be wanting to think about it, but these few days are a gift to get things sorted how you want them.

Tryharder · 02/07/2015 08:12

Please seek legal advice before changing locks, cancelling cards etc.

If he's on the mortgage and tenancy deeds, you have no legal right to exclude him from his own house.

Original poster
fluffybunnies246 · 02/07/2015 08:16

oh Worldsbiggestgrotbag that's good to hear Smile

nillynonkers and lem73 I will do that- I hadn't even thought of it until it was brought up here and if people who've been through it say it's important then I'd be a fool not to heed them.

I've asked for all communication in writing as I do not wish to speak to him- I'd just end up pandering to him.

OP posts:
CruCru · 02/07/2015 08:20

Hi OP

Sorry he's being such a shit. You won't like this but is it worth getting a STI check?

MrsAmaretto · 02/07/2015 08:21

Wow, he's gone away for some headspace with a load of documents? Sounds like he's going to screw you & your kids.

LindyHemming · 02/07/2015 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eggyface · 02/07/2015 08:33

He's taken his documents. Yep you are on a new phase.
Maybe he has an issue with sharing resources but you should still try and work out what he has got - for example if you are trying to get him to contribute to supporting the children and he later alleges he has no money, if you happened to know of a savings account or anything that would be useful.

Sounds like you are taking on board everything we all say. Take care and good luck xx

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/07/2015 09:30

Really glad you're taking all the practical advice on board. Please tell your friends too, you will need their support and company.

You are being so strong, your kids are lucky to have you. Keep your head held high and you will come through this and into an exciting new chapter.

Well done for telling the OW, she needs to know and if she chooses to stay with him, more fool her. I hope he ends up alone and miserable.

bettytaghetti · 02/07/2015 09:56

You say that you feel embarrassed to tell friends & family because of all the 'I told you so's' that you will inevitably get, but you can get through that and they will still be there for you, because they love you and you need them now more than ever. They're not going to desert you just because they were proved right! Nothing they will say will be as hurtful as your DH cheating on you & then b*ggering off. Tell someone asap!

Ohfourfoxache · 02/07/2015 10:02

This may well have been suggested already (skim read whilst BF!) but perhaps it would be an idea to get this moved to relationships. It's pretty unanimous that Yanbu and I wonder how much you have been brainwashed to think that you could bu.

Loads of support, long or short term, to be had there x

catlovingdoctor · 02/07/2015 10:03

He puts the K into KNOB! LTB!

RepeatAdNauseum · 02/07/2015 10:04

I think MrsAmaretto is right here. He hasn't gone to the beach to think or get some space. It doesn't even sound like he's run to the other woman.

He's taken his financial documents so he's almost certain to be plotting something. I'd guess that he's either hiding money and opening new accounts etc, or getting legal advice.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 02/07/2015 10:14

Sorry op. It brings me no pleasure to say to you and I hope to God I'm wrong but I agree with Calliegh. My instincts tell me he could be with the other women. Like I said I hope I am wrong. I really do, and hopefully he is just chilling somewhere, but you're not stupid.
Firstly you find out he cheated on you and now he's saying he needs a holiday. Massive red flag. IMO,

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 02/07/2015 10:16

I don't want to say LTB as o do not know your personal circumstances or the impact it will havd on your children.
But I wish I could say it.

paulapompom · 02/07/2015 13:11

Stay strong fluffy x

cozietoesie · 02/07/2015 13:23

I actually doubt whether he's with the OW. I think he's much more likely to be having a time to himself where he can persuade himself that he's been 'stressed out' or something and get over the embarrassment of being found out. (I have this vision of him standing by a groyne looking mournful and hoping that someone will notice him - he'll certainly notice himself.)

This week is all about him as far as he's concerned - and you really don't need that sort of person in your life. Get all your financials etc in order.

Foffyouwanker · 02/07/2015 14:23

Sorry to be blunt but I would be changing the locks, then going away for the weekend!!!

Blu · 02/07/2015 14:27

Are you still actually married, Fluffy, or did you divorce when you split before?

Is it the same OW?

What paperwork did you see him take? It isn't a coincidence or accident that he took that info, is it? Or maybe he didn't want to leave you alone in the house with it....why might that be, I wonder?

How did she react when you told her you had got back together? How long ago did you get back together?

VanitasVanitatum · 02/07/2015 14:36

Oh OP what a complete arse. Utterly and completely selfish.

You should definitely go camping and leave him a note to be gone by the time you return. You really are getting rid of total dead weight. Flowers

Original poster
fluffybunnies246 · 02/07/2015 20:03

yup blu still married as we copped out of divorce last time, favouring giving it another go. There wasn't another woman at the start (he says, 50/50 chance of this being true tbh as he has a history of disappearing) but during separation which is understandable... but he said he'd ended so we could get back together. And yes, it is the same OW.

I saw him take his 'file' of important stuff. It's not something you do accidentally, take an expanding file, and nearly all clothing- all socks, suits etc.

We got back together last summer, moved in together last Autumn. I sent OW a message. I'm not expecting (or wanting) a reply. I don't know how she's reacted, she hasn't messaged me back and I have zero intention of contacting her ever again unless she initiates it. It's not her fault.

We've booked to be off for 3 nights. I've told him to get his remaining stuff gone over the weekend and anything left will be going to the charity shop on Monday. He said he's now going to be staying away over the weekend too and that I'm to hang on to his stuff. I stated that there if he needs his things he can come and get them in the 72 hour period that I have suggested. Had. Enough. Kids are happy to be going away. Onwards and upwards.

OP posts:
OhBigHairyBollocks · 02/07/2015 20:12

Seriously, get the locks changed and leave his shit outside. What a twat.

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