Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross that DH has taken himself on holiday for a couple of days without saying

107 replies

fluffybunnies246 · 01/07/2015 21:24

I only found out after I text him to ask where he was.

He said he needed to get away to 'clear his head' so has taken a couple of days off work and gone to the seaside. I'm here with the kids.

Found out last night he'd cheated on me. I was extremely upset, then we agreed to try and work things out. But now he's just b***d off!!!!

He seems to think that this is ok behaviour. He's said 'sorry'. It's not the first time he's just taken himself off. He said he'll see us Friday night. I'm thinking that actually, perhaps the kids and I deserve some time away too and maybe we should go camping for the weekend. Which is partly me being immature and partly the kids love camping and it's really, really hot in our bedrooms.

OP posts:
springalong · 01/07/2015 22:23

My ex did this. I found out about his affair 1 month later

ApocalypseThen · 01/07/2015 22:24

I would save the text where he admits that he just took off without even bothering to wonder whether the children had a soul to care for them if you want to be able to demonstrate how inadequate a parent he is.

Theimpossiblegirl · 01/07/2015 22:30

I agree with the posters who say don't leave the house- the worst case scenario could be him kicking you out, even though you have done nothing wrong and he's obviously a real dick. Rally your RL support- they may have told you so but only because they care about you. I'm sure your friends would want to be there for you.

OpalQuartz · 01/07/2015 22:43

I agree that you should reply to ask who has the kids as you've gone away to clear your head too. It's just infuriating that he's upset you and then buggered off leaving you to cope with the kids on your own, while you are upset. When do you get to clear your head, the selfish bastard.Angry

Original poster
fluffybunnies246 · 01/07/2015 23:15

oh gosh another page! Hmmm I saw him take his paperwork file…I'm pretty sorted at present financially luckily- house is rented, deposit for purchase is in my name for tax reasons.

lonecatwithkitten I'm so sorry that it happened to you too :(

tempted to politely message other woman as he did not tell her he'd got back with his wife after we'd separated…it's not her fault either.
GERTI I make it sound worse than it is- my mates are truly wonderful really- tend to tell it like it is Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffybunnies246 · 01/07/2015 23:20

time for me to make a paperwork file of my own then…not worried about the house…should be fine I think (?) as it's rented, and the landlord lives on our street, and deals mainly/solely with me. I don't think he'd kick me out as the kids would need to stay here…and that would mean that he'd have to look after them/take to school etc- not a snowballs.

OP posts:
wheelycote · 01/07/2015 23:28

Astonished....keep all that paperwork safe....keep your financial things to yourself if possible and be cautious. Astonished and angry for you that he's just buggered off for a few days. Keep your head on straight with regards to assets / financial aspects....as a precaution.

WanderWomble · 01/07/2015 23:34

Please do make sure you have your ducks in a row. I got royally screwed by my first husband who left me with a lots of debts. Get copies of everything, and put them in a safe place. Move money into an account of your own.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

SilverNightFairy · 01/07/2015 23:35

My heart is going out to you..huge hugs. Right, he has made his intentions clear. You and your children are not his priority. I would blame you in the least if you wish to take your children off for a well deserved break. If you can though, try to talk this through with someone who has your best interests. By this I mean, someone who might assist you with the financial and legal ramifications you might be facing. Can you lay your hands on passports for you and the children, bank information, birth certificates, titles to any vehicles you own...Do you access to resources such as credit cards or savings accounts?

I'm so so sorry this fucker has left you to deal with his mess. I hope you have some lovely friends or family to help support you at this time. Xx

Inertia · 02/07/2015 06:37

HaVe to say I agree with previous posters , he is off with OW.

Also agree that you must use the time to get financial affairs sorted and tell family and friends the truth about his affair.

Morloth · 02/07/2015 06:46

Yep use the time to get yourself together and once you are ready tell him not to bother coming back.

Perhaps if you are feeling generous you could let him make a time to pick up his stuff. A time when the kids are not there and you have some adult backup. So basically when it is convenient to you.

ollieplimsoles · 02/07/2015 07:00

This has got to be the worst cheating H thread I have seen. Shock he's just an absolute shit who doesn't care at all about his marriage, or his kids for that matter as he left them too!
If he has taken his paperwork he will be getting himself in order, I think its fantastic advice that you do the same.

I'm concerned about what support you have in rl though op, your friends would be downright nasty to say I told you so about this. Any family nearby at all? And do his parents/ siblings know what he's like.

Only saying because my dads family were a huge support for my mum when my dad unexpectedly fucked off to india for 3 months after his affair came out, to clear his head...with the ow.

Blu · 02/07/2015 07:05

Really sorry OP.

I am not sure why you disappearing with the kids for the weekend is a bad thing from his pov or why you should feel guilty about it, in the current circs or any others !

Go camping if you want, on your own terms.

But I do agree that you need to put your own needs first and protect yourself.

Tell your friends . Gather them round you for the next stage . They seem to have your interests at heart far more than your cheating, selfish H who treats you with no respect whatsoever.

Had you not found out would he have been sorry? You would have been carrying on in the dark! 'Trying to work things out ' - what does that mean? It seems to mean that you just swallow and put up with his behsviour and lick your wounds while he takes advantage and swans off to the seaside.

You can't go on like this . The first time you found out he cheated was his chance to learn, thank his lucky stars that he had been given a chance and to show through his actions that he was serious about his marriage. But now he's shown you that he will not change, and trying to 'work things out' will
Just mean this happens again and again and again.

Good luck OP, use that anger: it is well justified.

Athenaviolet · 02/07/2015 07:11

Listen to your friends.

This isn't a relationship.

He's using you as a convenient f*/drudge when he feels like it.

Sort your practicalities like your housing security. Make sure you have your own bank account with child benefit & tax credits paid into.

Good luck Flowers

LIZS · 02/07/2015 07:16

Make sure you aren't there when he deigns to return. Leave a message saying you expect him to have left by the time you return. Remove all personal and financial paperwork. Sorry he is such a waste of space but you can still retain your dignity with friends by refusing to tolerate this any longer. Sorry but I'd also suspect he is with ow.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 02/07/2015 07:21

My mum did this to my dad when I was 16. Told him she'd cheated then went to the seaside 'alone' for some space. Obviously she wasn't alone, she was with him. Dad said if she was him not to bother coming home and she didn't, she moved in with him (didn't ask me or my brother to move in with her at any point, we stayed with my dad).

paxtecum · 02/07/2015 07:25

I hope you haven't done his washing since he went away!

youareallbonkers · 02/07/2015 07:26

The advice you lot give is dreadful. Telling her to empty the joint account, cancel his cards, change the locks, you should all be ashamed of yourselves. Just imagine if a man did those to a woman you'd all be screaming. Disgraceful

TendonQueen · 02/07/2015 07:29

Oh, it's Tell Off The Angry Women poster again. Hello!

IcecreamHavoc · 02/07/2015 07:33

Hmm. Don't be silly, bonkers. What he has done is much more disgraceful. No thought for his children at all. Probably nothing new though.

flora717 · 02/07/2015 07:34

Changing the locks to the landlord's property isn't too much of a stretch. My cheating ex gave a copy of the key to his ow.
Freezing joint accounts would be wise (he's taken his info, he can demonstrate his "side"); the sooner they separate finances the better.
The op has been left by her husband with no reference to how to proceed with a childcare / house purchase. It might be a "couple of days" then why take financial documents? Those are necessary when you leave (looking to rent etc).

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2015 07:41

What an utter prick, I would be considering a future without him, make the decision easier for him. If you did that and left the kids, woukd he look after them, doubt that.

GooodMythicalMorning · 02/07/2015 07:46

I think he's probably with ow too. Sad

Mrsderekshepard · 02/07/2015 07:54

So sorry this has happened to you. If you think you will all enjoy it go camping. If you do make sure you lock the front door from the inside and leave through the back door. If the weasel comes back he won't be able to get in.

MrsRossPoldark · 02/07/2015 08:00

Have a great time without the B. He's obviously having a great time without you.

FWIW, i wouldn't even bother packing his bags - just change the locks & go camping. That way he won't have access to any clothes or belongings to use for the next few days while you get around to throwing his stuff into bin bags.

Swipe left for the next trending thread