People who are doing it WRONG

[GloGirl]

My Dad loves to talk about how he enjoys a good barbecue in this weather, once he even invited a lot of family round for one.

His version of a BBQ is a George Formby grill (natch), and in nice weather he plugs it in outside to cook a burger or sausage on. He is quite evangelical about how clever it is to barbecue that way.

It gives me the gritted teeth rage.

Anyone else who is doing it ALL WRONG? Offload here

"What else goes in a bagel apart from the obligatory cream cheese? Could you put corned beef in a bagel?"
Traditional things to put in a bagel: Real deli sliced corned beef, not that tinned shite; pastrami (which is corned beef that's been smoked); actually, any deli meat; lox, or smoked salmon; onions; pickled herring; chopped liver (aka chicken liver pate). Other options are jam, with or without butter, or just butter, peanut butter, and probably other things that I can't think of.

Best summer breakfast: take one cinnamon and raisin bagel. Toast. Top with peanut butter or Nutella (or both). Don't put actual butter on though, you heathens. Add sliced strawberries. Serve with iced coffee (or warm, whatever). Thank me later.

Oh, and hot sandwiches have to have butter on. I went to uni with someone from Down South who'd never had a chip butty before moving north. He was mystified at that glorious meeting point of bread, hot filling, butter and (optional) ketchup. It is the greatest.

Getting to the barriers at the tube, then rummaging around to find ticket /Oyster card. You're not from round here are you?

Oh and how Americans make tea. Give me a warm cup of water with a tea bag on the side?

Oh, I totally forgot to add: butter on Weetabix was a favourite of mine when growing up. Freaked my uncle out hugely. He insisted on watching me eat the whole thing because he just wouldn't believe I'd do it. It started off as something DM gave me when I had a stomach bug for some reason but I liked it so much it became a breakfast staple.

"Oh and how Americans make tea. Give me a warm cup of water with a tea bag on the side? "
If you're in a country that drinks coffee and you order tea in a restaurant, you're doing it wrong. Because they don't know how to make it properly. Likewise, if you're in a country that drinks tea and order coffee then you're also doing it wrong. For the same reason.
Or if you go to Starbucks. Ever.

Ham sandwiches should have butter, and only butter, on them. Every other sandwich is essentially only a vehicle for mayonnaise.
Yes, I also eat mayonnaise sandwiches.

DD insists that the only way to eat a Nutella sandwich is to dip it in houmous. So wrong.

DMIL fries mince for about 5 minutes, stirs through a tin of Heinz spaghetti and calls it spag bol.

DBIL has chips with Chinese takeaway

DH mixes all his curry and rice together on the plate before starting to eat it and toasts both sides of the bread when making toasted cheese so the edges get burnt.

However we eat breakfast before dressing, brush teeth half an hour later (dentist told us that's fine), I swivel bras before doing all the scooping and adjusting, put washing out overnight, never put clothes up in any particular order or match pegs. Tea made with milk put in first is an abomination, whether it is made in cup or pot. Pasta bake (apart from lasagne) is an abomination. Beans on toast is an abomination, why would you do that to delicious toast?

and I like golden syrup on dry Weetabix.

I see your mince and salad cream, and raise you the wrongness that is a local specialty- tea and coffee IN THE SAME CUP. With evaporated milk.

Brown sauce is for fishfingers and (buttered) bacon and egg baps. Ketchup is for sausages, chips and other processed meats like burgers.

People who come round for a takeaway Chinese and want their own dish all to themselves rather than sharing everything, should be imprisoned without the hope of parole. Why? Sharing is the best bit. It's even worse when they don't warn you as you're ordering that that is what they plan to do

Hotcrossbuns should be warmed whole in an oven. They should never ever be put in a toaster. Philistines.

In general, all dry food should be lubricated to aid mastication. Bread should be buttered. Weetabix should be milked. Sausages should be ketchuped. Roasts should be gravied. All food should be provided with juices or sauces of some kind. If there is no lubrication provided for my food I will judge you a poor host.

And don't put salt and pepper on things before tasting them!

Oh, now, butter in a bacon sandwich of any kind is totally wrong. The bread should be dipped in the pan. Butter on sausage sandwiches is wrong too, ketchup and mustard only. As for sauce in bacon sandwiches, I cannot think of any thing worse than that.

Britabroad W.T.AF. ? That is horrific.

I submit for your delectation: the sandwiches made in our work canteen. Humous with EVERYTHING. The selection includes.... Humous with cottage cheese. Humous with grated cheddar. Humous with sliced ham. Humous with tuna.

WRONG use of humous

Oh and bra assemblage is boobs in, do up round back, then arms in straps. I tried swivelling this morning for a laugh. Not a laugh. Wrong.

Indeed, potatoes. It is an aberration, which apparently you can also enjoy with condensed milk if the evaporated stuff isn't quite sweet enough.

If I am feeling particularly brave tomorrow I might actually go and try it, purely for furthering research into Superlative Acts of Wrongness. Is this on a par with Marie Curie's selfless experimentation into the effects of radiation? I like to think perhaps it is.

I have never eaten beans on toast, and I'm not going to.

And I swivel my bra. Are you telling me my granny is wrong? (You wouldn't tell her.....)

FuckYouChris I think I want your beautifully elegant paragraph about lubricating foods blown up big on one of those canvas prints/printed on 'weathered' boards a la those 'live, laugh, love' things. Would be a wonderful addition to our new kitchen!

Can't agree with you on the brown sauce on fish fingers thing tho - fish needs ketchup. But then again, I don't really like brown sauce, so wouldn't be putting it on anything...

Just tried doing up my bra the mumsnet way of putting straps on first then doing it up at the back...

Impossible

I immediately reverted back to my usual way of doing the clip up round my waist, turning it round then putting the straps on, much better!

Bra swivelling is wrong and bizarre :o

My dh puts as much food as he can on the edge of his plate (the wide rim bit) so he can leave the middle free "for eating".
It drives me absolutely bonkers - he'll pile up salad, rice, everything all around the edge. It looks utterly weird and makes no sense to me - just take as much food as you can eat at one time and PUT IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FECKING PLATE.

Britabroad are you in Singapore!!? I'm there too. I love Kopi though but not with Teh!

Best bagel filling - salt beef, pickles and mustard.

Point of a Gas BBQ is to conviently keep the cooking outside on hot days and not to add further heat to your already over heated house.
The thing that usually makes food taste awful at BBQs is not whether its a charcoal or gas BBQ its usually the Cook overcooking the meat more often than not the meat is dry and leathery and burnt. Well done meat is wrong!

Agree completely ninja.

I'm hoping DH doesn't see this thread as he will recognise himself he will tell you I am doing everything wrong.

As well as which sauce with food, we stay away from the topic of Food Touching Other Food. In my eyes, this is Wrong. The only foods that are allowed to touch are bacon and egg on a fry up, and generally gravy may touch other items. Otherwise, every food item on a plate must not touch and must be conveyed to mouth on separate forkfuls. Even though I know this is Right, it seems to irritate DH .

I accept I may be in the minority with this as it has caused extensive mirth and derision discussion in every workplace too, but although I may be in a minority I Am Right.

PS No, I don't care they are all "going to get mixed in my tummy anyway".

Loafline, I am guessing all the BBQers will agree with you about how long to cook the meat. Overlooked lamb and beef are always a disappointment.

fuckyouchris : anyone who uses the word "lubrication" when talking about their food is doing it wrong. Start calling gravy "dinner lube" and all of a sudden you're right off your roasties.

"Brown sauce is for fishfingers and (buttered) bacon and egg baps. Ketchup is for sausages, chips and other processed meats like burgers."

Woah there. Sorry fuckyouchris, but I regret to inform you you've been doing it wrong all this time.

Ketchup is for fishfingers, chips and bacon, brown sauce is for sausages. Eggs and burgers can have either, so I'll give you that one