is mil overstepping or aibu

[mmollytoots]

So I have had many issues with mil over the past 9 years. Me and dp had our first child nearly 1 year ago so I am due back to work any day. When dc was first born mil and us fell out a few times and I felt she never made an effort with dd.

Due to financial reasons mil has offered to look after dd when I go back to work for a few days per week. So as to get dd used to mil more we let her have sleepover. now this is my issue

Since this sleepover mil didn't send all dd stuff home as she wanted to wash it ( I quickly stated never do this in future) as I want to wash it and also have it all back at once. She now keeps calling dd my princess and acting like dd is her property to lift kiss and cuddle at any time. Considering we want to take it slow.

she was always a big manipulator and she keeps saying oh this is me and dds thing we do in relation to a game. I feel she is going to make it harder for me to go back to work as I am very very ancious and I know it sounds stupid but its my daughter not hers. I feel is she already overstepping that boundary.

am I just being mad

I am really confused. He was going. To go nc but thought it was a good idea to have her have your ds 2 days a week.

Not trying to antagonise you just trying to get my head around it. She hasn't done anything pretty big in this situation. At some point you both decided this was a good idea and her washing your dds clothes has made you decide its not a good idea.

If you get to a point where you think she has changed and all start too be forward, you also have too move forward and not drag everything else back up too.

Nroaman I am trying to move forward it's obviously very hard to not be bitter about things. And on top of not wanting to leave my daughter at all as I'm very anxious about returning to work although in long term I will enjoy it

The nc was discussed about a year ago but we thought we'd give her one more chance

If your DP was on the point of going NC, why on earth have you both decided to "let" her have DS 2 days a week?

you don't like her and you don't trust her. You don't have to justify that to any of us - even IF those feelings are/were misplaced, that is still what you think. It sounds like your DP dislikes and distrusts her even more. Yet you let her have your baby for 2 days a week?

Limited finances reduce your childcare options, and thatmakes the decision much harder. But you need to sit down with DP and discuss whether this is a good idea.

You said she's a narcissist. Why on earth would you allow her unsupervised access to your dd?

Narcissism is a personality disorder . They can't change. They don't think they have a problem, everyone else has the problem. This is why they should never be given another chance. They will just repeat the pattern of bad behaviour and leave you damaged.

I understand that spanky. i don't know why I even posted after all I only know what she's truly like.

definitely going down the childcare route.

I'm bound to get defensive when I'm being questioned but didn't mean to look like a dripfeed

Unless you have had a relationship with a narcissist you really don't understand . My narcissist is my mum. I thought she had changed when I had my dcs. She had unsupervised access to them. She wasn't physically violent with them (unlike with me) but she was emotionally abusive. It took four years of me trying to make her not hate ds2, before I thought I cant do this anymore. We have now been nc for two years. Please don't think you have done anything wrong by believing the best of someone. But beware the narcissist, there really isn't anything good there.

I would love my DM or DMIL to care for our DD but they live too far away and we can't relocate due to our jobs.
My DMIL raised my wonderful DH. She did a brilliant job.
My DM raised me. She did a brilliant job(!)
Did your MIL do a good job with your DH? Is he damaged? Has she instilled in him values, opinions and qualities that you admire? that you admire?

Do you think she will try to use the situation to her advantage in the future?

mmollytoots, next time you post, I would give the full picture.

Your op does make it sound like your mil is a saint and you are very difficult.

It's hard enough to get the full picture on these threads.

If you are going to maintain a relationship with your MIL you will need to work hard not to let your resentment about the financial abuse in the past colour your perception of everything she does now.

The way in which she is behaving as a grandparent to your DD doesn't appear unreasonable at the moment (as regards over or under involvement) but it sounds as if everything she does pisses you off because of what has happened in the past.
As you feel this way it would be best not to use her for full time childcare but to let her have some contact with your DD and see how that goes.
She has been selfish but are you sure that she fully meets criteria for Narcissitic personality disorder?

If you are giving her one more chance, what has she done between now and then for you to change your mind? Just the clothes washing and removing of tags? You said your sil returns clothes, I can see why she does that.

You seem to have given her a chance but changed your mind of something so little, that it seems you are jumping at the chance to do it. Either give some one a real chance or not at all.

I've read all your comments and I can see that you are very stressed so I think the best thing for you is, as others have said, to organise alternative childcare.
That said, I wonder if, due to the history between MIL and yourself, she has been keeping her distance so as not to make matters worse which looks to you as if she has put other GC first?
I feel that she is trying to mend your relationship and wants to be part of DDs life.
I don't see washing the clothes as controlling, I think you need to chill about that. Likewise her buying clothes for DD.
I think it would be a good idea to wipe the slate clean, indulge her desire to be GP as it doesn't seem to be damaging to DD.

You have given two entirely different pictures here. One is she will do free childcare, buys and washes clothes, is great with kids and you are happy for her to look after your dd.
the other is she is a nightmare, controlling, manipulative, stopped you getting a mortgage.
Do you see?

Very much agree with Cain

Yes, yabu. But I do understand how you feel. You are obviously anixous about going back to work and worried about DD preferring MIL. I understand that worry. Don't forget that your MIL could also be feeling anxious about taking on p/t care of your DD. She could be worried that your DD is going to miss you all day or cry a lot.
But I would try and be positive as you can to make the transition back to work as easy on all of you as possible.

I wish I had someone to look after my children and go back to work. I struggle to do a 4 hour shift 2 days a week because I have to get back home and pick them up from school. No free child care for me!

Based on your first post you are being very unreasonable as nothing at all indicates she is horrible and controlling, the exact opposite actually. So that is why it looks like a drip feed as several posts down you mention she s a narcissist. I agree with Heels99.

My MIL has done awful things including calling social services, manipulating DSD, causing a flat offer to fall through, physically and verbally attacking me and we are no contact with her. I have always said to OH if he wishes to have a relationship with her thats fine but me and DD never will, she will never be used as child care and no part of DDs life when she is quite willing to barge into me with DD ib my arms causing massive bruising. Shes vile.

My point is, if you cant stick her dont use her. Every thing she does will drive you mad and will push your buttons!

Childcare is defintely no because of how you feel, the relationship is so fractured that she will not be able to do right. I do think that when relationships break down you cannot really expect the future grand children to be treated equally when no relationship is formed, and to be angry because of the difference in treatment in grandchildren will just create more resentment.

Op I think your getting a hard time on here. As my mil sounds similar, I get ya. However, i would and did not use mil for more than very occasional childcare.

Do you have to use her for childcare? Can't you work less or pay for nursery?

Also, don't get why dd needs to sleepover.

The OP is not getting a hard time. Her first post outlined some behaviour that even the most hardened MIL hater couldn't say was unreasonable, then when everyone said she was being daft, she then revealed that her mil had fraudulently taken ou loans in her name and ruined her credit rating. Which is a ridiculous bit of drip feeding. Taking labels off clothes and washing them=perfectly normal behaviour. Having special games with grand children =perfectly normal. Committing criminal fraud against your dil- not even remotely normal.

And I do hope all these armchair psychologists who diagnose narcissistic personality disorder when they mean "I don't like her very much" are properly qualified..............

BertrandRussell I totally agree with this:
And I do hope all these armchair psychologists who diagnose narcissistic personality disorder when they mean "I don't like her very much" are properly qualified

I'd actually welcome a thread titled "AIBU to have the best MIL in the world considering they're often purported as the spawn of satan"

I'll give you the other side of the story:

I provided free childcare for my SIL (for my DN) after my brother died. I did it for 7 years (from aged 6 yrs). I never got on particularly well with my SIL before my DB died, but as I was the only family member living close enough to her when she was left alone, I stepped up to the plate. (I lived 45 minutes drive from her - the rest of my family lived 2.5 hours away - and her family lived in France!)

I collected him from school on Fri evening, brought him home in uniform and got him to change whilst I made his meal. There was always something missing from his 'weekend bag' - socks, t-shirt, play trousers, trainers, waterproof coat. So I started to buy 'spares' off eBay otherwise I was having to wash his play-clothes each evening, giving him a pair of my socks etc. (I already washed and ironed his school uniform so everything was clean for Monday morning when I delivered him home at 7pm.)

I got comments/instructions:

• I don't bother with ironing
• It's okay for him to wear the same clothes all weekend
• He only has a bath on a Sunday
• Don't comb his hair, he doesn't like it
• He likes to run around/sleep naked and I encourage it
• Don't encourage him to eat vegetables/fruit, he doesn't like them and you are upsetting him

I could remember more - but that 7 years of my life was lovely (because I spent quality time with my DN) and absolute hell because whatever I did that was 'different' was met with a wall of disapproval.

When you look after a child, having spare clothes is essential in my book! One of the lovely things WE did together was to choose what he would like to wear the next morning and lay them out on his bedroom stool. But he would always insist on going home in his Sunday play outfit (including trainers) and I would never see them again.

I had a nick-name for DN which I used when we were ready for doing bed-time routine. My DN asked me never to call him that nick-name in front of his Mum. (A 7 year old shouldn't be so fearful of loving two members of his family in different ways.)

We had made-up games that included my Border Collie dog - it was called "The Ringo Game". I had to ask questions about caring for a dog, and if he got the answer correct, he and Ringo would run round the house in a circle - a bit like doing the conga. We actually HAD to play the "Ringo Game" as I drove him back through peak hour traffic after collecting from school, because that 45 minute journey became 1.5 hours on many occasions. But when we were at family gatherings, Ringo had to be kept away from DN as she didn't trust medium-sized dogs.

The worst time for me was when DN was 9 yrs old (so well into child-care provision at the drop of a hat) and I got a text message (by accident) from SIL which said, "I've just spoken to the SIL from Hell, and she will have him again this weekend. Okay to meet you at 7pm Friday night."

Needless to say, I phoned her immediately and cancelled my weekend child-care.

No apology - nothing! She just told everyone that I had cancelled child-care at the last minute.

My Mum (her MIL) provided 2 weeks free child-care in the summer holidays. My Mum had 9 children and considered that a voice warning (or a certain look) should be sufficient. It came to a head when DN jumped on the furniture, called me eldest brother a liar over chess rules and ignored adult warnings. My Mum sanctioned him by saying "straight to bed and no story reading tonight". It turned out that my DM insisted on him having bath or a 'good wash' every night and he couldn't cope. SIL travelled on a train for 3 hours to collect him.

OP, if you are not happy with your current child-care arrangements then please pay for it! Do not under any circumstances set your MIL up to fail. That is passive-aggressive. You will be looking for anything to mark her down for; you will look for something else that you can criticise or disapprove of. You will destroy any possibility for a positive relationship between your DD and his GPs.

I will leave you with one last thought:

Did your DH choose you as his life-long partner because you are actually a mirror-image of his DM? [A strong, formidable female who controls and manages everything.] Therefore, two formidable females find it very hard for one to step down.