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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is mil overstepping or aibu

126 replies

mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 22:47

So I have had many issues with mil over the past 9 years. Me and dp had our first child nearly 1 year ago so I am due back to work any day. When dc was first born mil and us fell out a few times and I felt she never made an effort with dd.

Due to financial reasons mil has offered to look after dd when I go back to work for a few days per week. So as to get dd used to mil more we let her have sleepover. now this is my issue

Since this sleepover mil didn't send all dd stuff home as she wanted to wash it ( I quickly stated never do this in future) as I want to wash it and also have it all back at once. She now keeps calling dd my princess and acting like dd is her property to lift kiss and cuddle at any time. Considering we want to take it slow.

she was always a big manipulator and she keeps saying oh this is me and dds thing we do in relation to a game. I feel she is going to make it harder for me to go back to work as I am very very ancious and I know it sounds stupid but its my daughter not hers. I feel is she already overstepping that boundary.

am I just being mad

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 30/06/2015 00:17

Just say you are considering a nursery or childminder where there are other children for socialisation reasons. You don't need to completely ban all contact.

Original poster
mmollytoots · 30/06/2015 00:17

I don't know but what have I got to lose I will do what pp said and state its to do with socialising etc

OP posts:
NickiFury · 30/06/2015 00:21

Sounds like a plan. I hope it works out and you find a way to deal with her effectively. Try not to sweat the small stuff, though I know that's easier said than done when someone has a proven track record of being difficult; it can make you hypersensitive to everything they do even when they're not particularly problematic.

NickiFury · 30/06/2015 00:22

When they're not being particularly problematic.

BertrandRussell · 30/06/2015 00:23

Oh this sort of thing pisses me off soooooooo much!

OP " my mil is so unreasonable- she buys my children clothes and takes the labels off so I can't change them if I don't like them"

Mumsnet "Well, that does sound as if you are being pretty unreasonable- Particularly as she is doing two days childcare for free for you"

OP "You're all horrible- don't you realize she fraudulently took out a loan in my name without my knowledge, defaulted on it and ruined my credit rating?"

cakedup · 30/06/2015 00:43

This rings a bell with me OP and I do get where you're coming from.

My mum, also offered FREE childcare but to be honest that's normal in my family and from the country my mum is from. Just like I'd offer FREE care for my mum when she gets older rather than her going in a nursing home.

But I did have some problems with boundaries (getting better as he is getting older, he is 10 now). I just found her a bit OTT with DS, would just get so over emotional about him, about how much she loves him etc. Say for example, he'd had an accident and split his head, then SHE wouldn't be able to sleep that night because she was soooo worried about him. Almost making out she was more worried about him than me. Or explaining to me what he means, because she understands him so well. I'd tell her I don't like him wearing tracksuit bottoms out (only for sport or indoors) and she'd make him wear them.

My mum is a narcissist and was emotionally abusive to me as a child, however, apart from spoiling him/babying him (which I accept is a granny thing) she is actually very good with him and they do have a great relationship. She is completely different as a grandmother. So it's possible your mil may develop a close bond with your dd and may be quite different to the manipulative person you experience. You just have to prepare for the fact that she may overstep boundaries and you may need to mark them - in which case there could be fall outs. How would you feel about her looking after your ds when you have fallen out?

MissBananaMama · 30/06/2015 00:48

... If she's that bad, why on EARTH would you consider using her for childcare?

From your OP, she doesn't sound bad at all. Perhaps not drip feed...

NickiFury · 30/06/2015 00:51

OP did not really drip feed, she said from the beginning there were loads of issues. Maybe she just couldn't he bothered to go into them, maybe the idea of typing it all out again exhausted her, maybe she didn't want the thread side tracked by the mortgage issue?

Canyouforgiveher · 30/06/2015 01:01

I put a thread out before about how mil took a debt out in dh name which has stopped us applying for a mortgage until way next yearn instead of paying it back she went on holiday for Sil birthday and yo add to that she is swapping houses with Sil so that she can have a bigger house for New baby. whilst me and dp can't get a mortgage because of her

If this is true and the narcissism and the 9 years of bad history, honestly I can't understand why you would let this woman mind your child unless you are in truly dire financial straits.

You really don't like her and you possibly have good reason to not like her. My very minimum requirement for someone minding my baby was that I actually liked that person. People I don't like might be perfectly good childminders but it would do my head in to watch my child being minded for long stretches of time by someone I despised - as you do your MIL.

This arrangement will end in tears for sure.

MissBananaMama · 30/06/2015 01:02

From the OP the MIL was definitely not being unreasonable

TheHumblePotato · 30/06/2015 02:20

Your thread makes me hope to the stars and beyond that my future DILs are the complete opposite of you. You seem to enjoy being difficult and dramatic. Quite frankly your MIL deserves an award as does your DH for putting up with annoyance personified.

whiteiris · 30/06/2015 02:38

I believe that there are real problems with mil...... what will work well for you op, is to firm up your boundaries. So organise other child care. And also start to pay less attention to what your in-laws do or don't do. .... just don't give it a second thought.

Atenco · 30/06/2015 03:27

OP, I have a policy of never asking for favours from people I don't like and NEVER NEVER leaving my child in the care of someone I don't like. Whether you are right or wrong about your MIL isn't really the point, just find a childminder you trust.

Jenny70 · 30/06/2015 03:30

Maybe you can tell MIL that you are going back 2 days now, but work has implied/asked if that can be increased some weeks/in future (pick what works best), and because MIL has other GC, plus her own life it would be best to use a childminder who can be flexible and not need to change arrangements and DD is more settled in one environment.

I think the free childcare with MIL comes with more strings than I could cope with. And if she starts to influence DD in a way you don't like (any issue, food, clothes, body image, mother image) you're going to tie yourself in knots.

If DD is unwell and can't go to childminder, maybe MIL would be happy to step in on those occasions, rather as the regular arrangement.

littlejessie · 30/06/2015 04:13

Haven't rtft but if she's anything like my mil YANBU.

I know that's going against the general tone of pp so far, but my mil has what sound like similar issues with boundaries and the supplying of clothes is just one of the ways she tries to assert her dominance over our kids and undermine our role as parents. It's an over helpful form of control if your situation is anything like ours and not what it might seem, superficially speaking.

NRomanoff · 30/06/2015 06:42

What will your dh say when you tell him you won't allow his mum to have your child but will let you own parents?

Tbh Op I don't get why you would let such an awful person (awful in your opinion) look after your child in the first place.

I don't tend to search people's previous threads, but based on this I don't think your mil could do anything right, probably because of the past incidents. Nothing about the sleep over, clothes etc says she is nightmare.

The main unreasonableness in your post is complaining she doesn't bother with your child then moaning so wants to be involved too much. I am not judging you because you may have reasons to not want her spending lots of time with your child. But you can't have it all ways.

My sil and dbro does this. Moans about my mum doing more with my kids, but everytime mum offers to have their kids they say no and yet let sils mum have them. It's ridiculous. The only time they have asked her to have them has been when they know mum is at work and given her 2 hours notice, them complained she wouldn't take the day off. My mum has my kids 2 hours a week, that's it.

You need to decide whether you want her involved or not. If you don't you can't keep beating her over the head with the fact that she isn't as involved with your child.

WayneRooneysHair · 30/06/2015 06:52

That's a massive drip feed.

OP just get alternative childcare.

Moomintroll85 · 30/06/2015 07:02

BertrandRussell ... Yep!

Original poster
mmollytoots · 30/06/2015 07:26

it's hardly a dripfeed if people ask me questions along the way and I answer them....

and in regards to the dil comment. I'm the one who has stopped dp going no contact with his mum and sister and I said anyone else in my position would have.

also it sound stupid about the tags etc but ou don't understand how she always had to control everything even right down to silly things.

I try to involved her here and there but she is either so cold or 100 percent full on. no half way with her.

I'm a friggin saint for sticking her and even though she has caused much heartache. dp is on my side and he does most of the nasty business and the fact a son thinks that way of his mum says it all.

yes we would be using her for free childcare I never stated there was any other reason regardless of the issues she is brilliant with children and very interactive. and she will enjoy being with her dgc

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 30/06/2015 07:30

No way use her for childcare

Your relationship with her now is at best rocky.

I'm surprised you've even considered it given your feeling toward her.

TheOddity · 30/06/2015 07:37

Yourn plan is essentially using someone you despise for your own financial gain.

You are then couching that in terms to suggest your motivation is in the interests of your MIL/DD's relationship.

ollieplimsoles · 30/06/2015 07:46

Op I think you have had a bit of a bashing here, your first post doesn't make your mil sound that unreasonable. However...

You mention 9 years of bullshit, therefore you don't trust her and you are looking for signs of manipluation/ passive aggressive controlling in everything she does, so you can protect yourself if she tries to hurt you again.
I'm the same with my mil, sometimes I think "its fine, she's changed" then something will happen and I realise I should have never let her in again in the first place.
This arrangement will cause arguments for sure. You can't leave your DD with her.

NRomanoff · 30/06/2015 07:47

So you were using her for choldcare even though your dh doesn't want her too? You let you child stay with dhs mum even though he hates her?

Look op I get she is no saint, but to be honest neither are you.

The simple fact is you were will to overlook all her transgretions to save some money. I am glad for everyone's sake you have come to your senses.

She can't be great with your child because you say she isn't bothered with your child.

Original poster
mmollytoots · 30/06/2015 07:52

Me and dp are on the same side I'm hardly going to send my child to her if dp said no. Pp nailed it in the head she gives us false hope she's changed and we think actually maybe she has. But then she does something else pretty big. She is really good with dd that was the bottoms line but I think I'll take the childminder route

OP posts:
TheOddity · 30/06/2015 07:58

I really get on with my mum but exactly for that reason I would never have considered her for childcare. If you have a tenuous relationship it is money well spent to avoid inevitable problems six months from now.