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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is mil overstepping or aibu

126 replies

mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 22:47

So I have had many issues with mil over the past 9 years. Me and dp had our first child nearly 1 year ago so I am due back to work any day. When dc was first born mil and us fell out a few times and I felt she never made an effort with dd.

Due to financial reasons mil has offered to look after dd when I go back to work for a few days per week. So as to get dd used to mil more we let her have sleepover. now this is my issue

Since this sleepover mil didn't send all dd stuff home as she wanted to wash it ( I quickly stated never do this in future) as I want to wash it and also have it all back at once. She now keeps calling dd my princess and acting like dd is her property to lift kiss and cuddle at any time. Considering we want to take it slow.

she was always a big manipulator and she keeps saying oh this is me and dds thing we do in relation to a game. I feel she is going to make it harder for me to go back to work as I am very very ancious and I know it sounds stupid but its my daughter not hers. I feel is she already overstepping that boundary.

am I just being mad

OP posts:
Moomintroll85 · 29/06/2015 23:40

I just see the clothes thing as controlling because when she buys dd any clothes she takes every single tag off so I can't return and dd has to wear them then mil will go awk I bought her that outfit to everyone in earshot

Hmm Sounds ungrateful to me. I don't see why those things are a problem and you sound very entitled complaining that you can't return stuff. I am so thankful for everything family members buy for my son.

If she didn't buy any clothes you'd probably complain that she wasn't showing an interest.

As others have said pay for childcare or accept her involvement. It doesn't sound like she's doing much wrong and actually sounds like she's made an effort to improve her behaviour from what you say she used to be like.

LaurieMarlow · 29/06/2015 23:42

Wow, you sound like hard work. First of all we were supposed to sympathise with you against a free child care proffering, present giving, clothes washing, affectionate MIL. Now you've suddenly thrown narcissism into the mix.

This arrangement is not going to work out. Go and find a child minder pronto.

DoTheDuckFace · 29/06/2015 23:45

Based on what you have said it does seem that you are being unreasonable not giving you the benefit of the doubt and taking onboard the 9 year history that you haven't elborated on I will say this - my MIL and I did not get on. I can not stand the woman and she definitely favours dsd over all of her other grand children. My ex pushed me into letting her provide childcare and it was awful. It ended very abruptly which caused a lot of drama and made work difficult whilst I found an alternative. I haven't spoken to the woman in two years.
If you think it is going to go wrong then just arrange something else from the outset. It is much harder to get out of something once if is the accepted norm.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2015 23:46

"'
"Since this sleepover mil didn't send all dd stuff home as she wanted to wash it ( I quickly stated never do this in future) as I want to wash it and also have it all back at once"

Well, one of you sounds like a nightmare.........

drudgetrudy · 29/06/2015 23:51

Not only will it be difficult to get out of this if it doesn't work out but people are going to be very hurt and upset.
You say your MIL has been difficult in the past and I take your word for that but, being honest, your posts reveal that you yourself are not exactly easy going.

NickiFury · 29/06/2015 23:52

There's clearly more to this but some posters do like to jump in hard to give an OP a good telling off.

Personally if I had such a problematic relationship with a family member I would never allow them to provide childcare.

Maybe your judgment isn't clouded at all? Maybe your instincts are telling you there's a problem?

coolaschmoola · 29/06/2015 23:53

My DSM always takes the labels off - not so I can't return them, but so I don't see the price as she often buys in the sales.

The entertaining bit is:

  1. I don't care what they cost, it's a lovely thing for her to do. Even though I loathe character clothing, dd LOVES it so they're both happy and I get over myself and let her wear them.

  2. I do go in the same shop (think massive supermarket, closest to my house) so I see the sales!

Tag removal doesn't automatically mean control.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/06/2015 23:55

There's clearly more to this but some posters do like to jump in hard to give an OP a good telling off.

Yeah, how dare people use the info provided by OP to answer the question asked by OP? So fucking unreasonable Hmm

OP hates her MIL. Maybe she has cause, maybe she doesn't. But since she's happy to take free childcare from her, whatever backstory can't be that important, can it? And on the info given by the OP herself, she is the one being unreasonable.

MrsFrankRicard · 29/06/2015 23:57

This sort of shit is exactly why I wouldn't have family doing any regular childcare for me, if you are paying for it, you can specify what you want and aren't going to have some overbearing bullshit to deal with. If it's free childcare as a favour then it is a lot more difficult to raise issues you are not happy with. Your options are find some paid for childcare or get used to letting lots of things go.

RabbitSaysWoof · 29/06/2015 23:59

I think you should pay someone too and let MIL off the hook poor woman.

NickiFury · 30/06/2015 00:00

Why are you swearing winter? You sound really angry that someone gave an opinion you didn't like Confused

VenusRising · 30/06/2015 00:00

Upset a childminder if you think your Dd will be at risk from the manipulation and her narcissism of your MIL especially if she has form in this.

You don't want her turning your DD against you, or using her a s a pawn to get on over on you.

Fwiw, you'll have to pay for childcare one way other another- most people pay with money and are happy to do this if it means that have an uncomplicated life and unsullied relationship with their own kids away from the manipulation of a GP with an agenda.

Your choice, but I'd trust my gut and suck up the financial burden of paid for childcare.

VenusRising · 30/06/2015 00:01

Sorry, autocorrect.

USE a childminder.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 30/06/2015 00:02

I don't "sound" anything, its text, any voice you assign comes from you and not me.
I like swearing, I do it a lot, it doesn't indicate anger (it does indicate you assign emotion to others without reason, you should stop that)

BertrandRussell · 30/06/2015 00:03

"You don't want her turning your DD against you, or using her a s a pawn to get on over on you"

Jesus Christ- I've heard everything now!

drudgetrudy · 30/06/2015 00:05

I agree that in view of OP's difficult relationship with her MIL she would do much better to pay for childcare but from what she has written I see no evidence of "the manipulation of a GP with an agenda".
Of course there may be a lot that OP has not mentioned but going on what is written here there is nothing to suggest MIL shouldn't be involved at all.

NickiFury · 30/06/2015 00:08

And you should try not being rude and aggressive to randoms on the internet who are perhaps not as articulate as they might be just because you can be and you'll never have to see and deal with them face to face. It's cowardly.

It's quite clear there's more going on here, it's shame people prefer to stick it to the OP rather than find out more.

Original poster
mmollytoots · 30/06/2015 00:08

just want to add I would never return clothes someone bought me for my daughter that wasn't the issue with the tags but I would have appreciated them being left on in case I needed to Change sizes etc.

they take the tags off because I know from Sil ds that when ppl bought her clothes she always returned them so they obv think everyone else does this so takes tags off. but to clarify I would never return them and I am grateful.

I put a thread out before about how mil took a debt out in dh name which has stopped us applying for a mortgage until way next yearn instead of paying it back she went on holiday for Sil birthday and yo add to that she is swapping houses with Sil so that she can have a bigger house for New baby. whilst me and dp can't get a mortgage because of her

yes yous can call me unreasonable but I am not the bitch here she is double me age and her and Sil picked on me from the start. so after 9 years of knowing them I'm not a bitch for no reason

OP posts:
Original poster
mmollytoots · 30/06/2015 00:09

that's the tip of the iceberg

OP posts:
HoldYerWhist · 30/06/2015 00:12

So you use her for childcare?

Are you mad??

nilbyname · 30/06/2015 00:14

Don't use her for free childcare. Get a proper childminder.

Original poster
mmollytoots · 30/06/2015 00:14

I'm going to look for childminder

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 30/06/2015 00:14

In view of all that OP I would definitely make a different arrangement and keep your involvement with your MIL lower key. Keeping on arguing with her is only causing upset to everyone.

Original poster
mmollytoots · 30/06/2015 00:15

thanks again for the advice

OP posts:
NickiFury · 30/06/2015 00:15

Sounds like that would be for the best Smile. Will changing the arrangements unleash a new wave of difficulties though?