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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is mil overstepping or aibu

126 replies

mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 22:47

So I have had many issues with mil over the past 9 years. Me and dp had our first child nearly 1 year ago so I am due back to work any day. When dc was first born mil and us fell out a few times and I felt she never made an effort with dd.

Due to financial reasons mil has offered to look after dd when I go back to work for a few days per week. So as to get dd used to mil more we let her have sleepover. now this is my issue

Since this sleepover mil didn't send all dd stuff home as she wanted to wash it ( I quickly stated never do this in future) as I want to wash it and also have it all back at once. She now keeps calling dd my princess and acting like dd is her property to lift kiss and cuddle at any time. Considering we want to take it slow.

she was always a big manipulator and she keeps saying oh this is me and dds thing we do in relation to a game. I feel she is going to make it harder for me to go back to work as I am very very ancious and I know it sounds stupid but its my daughter not hers. I feel is she already overstepping that boundary.

am I just being mad

OP posts:
Original poster
mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 23:07

I know I think I may look into just paying for childcare but I already agreed to mil taking dd so this is going to be hell

OP posts:
Original poster
mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 23:07

she's not really doing it for me she's doing it so she can see dd obv

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 29/06/2015 23:07

You need to get over this or find other child care!

coolaschmoola · 29/06/2015 23:09

It sounds like you have kept her at arms length, whilst also deciding that she treats sil and other gc better (possibly because sil isn't looking for issues with her mum) but now you've actually accepted her involvement it's too much.

You can't have it all ways... YABU.

FWIW - my dm looks after dd two days a week, I LOVE it when she washes the clothes dd has worn there because, tbh, as working parents our laundry is NEVER up to date and anything that reduces the amount we have to do is fabulous.

Corygal · 29/06/2015 23:09

Blimey, YABU. She buys DD clothes and you even object to that because you can't get a refund on them?

What is she saying about you, one wonders.

LittleBearPad · 29/06/2015 23:09

she's not really doing it for me she's doing it so she can see dd obv

The bitch Hmm A GM wanting to see her GC.

FloraPost · 29/06/2015 23:09

It's hard handing your baby over to anyone when you go back to work, but YABU. Isn't it better for your DD to have a close bond with her carer rather than some sort of Victorian governess arrangement. I also rely on GPs for childcare and the relationship they have with my DC, which is totally separate from me, is a beautiful thing. If you want to dictate how your DD is looked after that's fine but you need to pay for it.

Babymamamama · 29/06/2015 23:09

You are quite vague about the level of childcare offered but a few days per week sounds significant to me. So she isn't favouring the other grand kids over yours is she if she will be helping you with what two three four days of childminding for you. You sound ungrateful. Sorry but I think you should pay for your childcare and use someone who isn't a family member if it's going to grate you so much. But the loser in that will be your dd. hope you can see that. I'd be so so grateful to have a grandparent offering what you are being offered.

drudgetrudy · 29/06/2015 23:09

It sounds like there is more background to this but on the basis of your post your MIL can't win whatever she does. You fell out with her for not showing interest-now you are angry that she is getting over-involved and are upset when she tries to do washing etc.

Unless you can relax a bit I can foresee problems with you relying on your MIL for childcare and both you and MIL are going to end up really upset.
Beware of getting your MIL very involved with your DD and then wanting to stop contact. It wouldn't be very fair to her.

cerealqueen · 29/06/2015 23:11

Its not free childcare is it, you're all worked up and it will only get worse.

drudgetrudy · 29/06/2015 23:11

If its "going to be hell" don't start it.

Original poster
mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 23:12

thank you for all the advice I know I'm being unreasonable I should just be gratefull for the help. she is looking after dd for 2 days and she will be with another GPS 2 other days as I'm going back pt.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 29/06/2015 23:12

Poor woman can't do a thing right, can she? She's not interested enough in your child, she's too involved with your child, she buys clothes for her and sometimes washes them. All this and she's going to be providing free child care. YABVVU

Original poster
mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 23:12

mil has stated that anything I say goes so I suppose I'm not afraid to disagree with things. I do make an effort to get on with her really

OP posts:
BackforGood · 29/06/2015 23:13

YABVVVVVU unless thee is masses you haven't told us.
there is nothing in the OP that is making your MiL sound unreasonable.

You, OTOH......

Original poster
mmollytoots · 29/06/2015 23:14

as I said it really is just the 9 year history we have. any other person would be no contact with her by now she's def narcissistic and in the past she has been emotionally abusive to me. but as I said that was in the past once I got pregnant she shut up even though we still had fall outs. but they are mainly with dp and her

OP posts:
notquitehuman · 29/06/2015 23:17

Pay people for childcare and you get a say in how they do it.

If you don't want MIL to babysit then say you want to send her to nursery because she'll socialise with other kids. It's a reasonable excuse.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/06/2015 23:19

On the basis of what you've said so far, YABU.

Raveismyera · 29/06/2015 23:21

You can't leave your DD with someone do awful, if she's awful to you she may well be to her and a narcissist will be v dangerous

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/06/2015 23:27

How can she be uninterested AND over-involved at the same time?

Nanny0gg · 29/06/2015 23:29

Based on your last post, I think you are using her for financial reasons and you are being very unfair.

Just pay someone.

HoldYerWhist · 29/06/2015 23:34

If she's an EA narcissist why are you leaving your child with her??

Seriously, you should find an alternative.

Fatmomma99 · 29/06/2015 23:35

Agree with others that you have the option to pay.

FWIW, the DM keeps entire wardrobes in her house, and my dd and her cousins love to wear the clothes "nana has" (and nick each other's pants!).

Mum also has sets of toys in her house which we don't have (so the kids are happy to go round there).

YABVU

OwlinaTree · 29/06/2015 23:37

Get a childminder or nursery sorted. You can't leave your child with someone you don't really trust.

coolaschmoola · 29/06/2015 23:37

'
Since this sleepover mil didn't send all dd stuff home as she wanted to wash it ( I quickly stated never do this in future) as I want to wash it and also have it all back at once'

Sorry op - but your Mil doesn't sound controlling here, YOU do....