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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL, DH and school reports.

136 replies

butterfliesandbee · 28/06/2015 19:43

Mil and Fil came to our house today. DCs had both received their school reports on friday so i offer Mil and Fil if they want to see them. DS had am excellent report and DDs behaviour etc is excellent but actual work is below average. This is nothing new to any of us and we are worki g hard to help her.
Mil insisted that Dd was fine, ahe is doing well etc. Basically she doesnt like to think admit that she is struggling with work. I said that actually she isnd doing well and there is no point in pretending that she is. DH said nothing during this discussion.
Now they have left he has said I threw the fact DD isnt doing well in his mums face and that there is no point in argueing with her as she wont believe that Dd isnt perfect.
Apparently i shouldnt have let them read the reports although he never said anything at the time.
Did i do wrong?

OP posts:
brassbrass · 29/06/2015 19:50

I don't get why you showed them the reports in the first place. They are for you and your child. No one else needs to be involved. Unless your PILs are retired excellent ex teachers who can actually help with some strategies for your DD.

I think I understand that you were just insisting she does need help and not slagging her off. But the GPs were not the ones to have that conversation with. Discuss it with your DH and her teachers.

brassbrass · 29/06/2015 19:54

also think your DH is a bell end for taking a pop after they'd left when he could have said something to you at the time to alleviate the situation.

Tangerineandturquoise · 29/06/2015 20:46

You sound like you are BU in your posts- and it sounds like your expectations of your daughter are higher than she can deliver. She can progress, and with extra work she probably can progress more rapidly, but is she not where you would like her to be because of a gap in learning or coming over from a different system or is it that she is not working to the same levels as her class peers on the whole.
If your DD is at a private school and a few things in your thread suggest she may be-then the chances are the school are ahead academically compared to the state sector on averages, that isn't to divert this thread it is a statement of fact, most independent schools are academically ahead, it is what a lot of the parents hope to be paying for. So is it the class average she is below or the national average for her age group?

I think the key is your DH was annoyed at how you handled the whole thing- and I do think you need to consider the feelings behind his annoyance.

I would applaud her high efforts in work ethic and participation- but in your shoes I would consider whether she is in the right school for her. Different schools celebrate a range of talents, and if she was in a school that celebrated her broad successes you might be able to celebrate them also. Because I also agree with Drudgetrudy about you seem to view your daughter.

I also agree with the previous poster who says the GPs are looking at this with the benefit of hindsight, I know a couple of very clever people that are adrift in life succeeding at nothing despite great grades because they have pretty much tripped over how clever they were to be trained by the school into good grades.
I know some very clever and talented people who have an amazing work ethic and are thriving in their fields
I know a few more who worked their bottoms off-didn't always get the good grades, or didn't get the private education expectations of them but still have risen highly from perseverance and diligence- they range from cocky to admirable.

Einstein was considered mentally handicapped (the language of his era) because of his lack of academic performance- Isac Newton was not considered clever at school, or at farming. Clinton wasn't expected to amount to much Churchill probably brought home reports much like your daughter.
From what you have said about your daughter's reports she has many of the traits that may allow her to become like the figures above, maybe what your MIL sees is that you need to have a little faith in her, those reports may be worth a fortune at auction one day.

MistressDeeCee · 30/06/2015 02:01

My eldest DD is brilliant academically. Her sister 1 year younger is not, her skills are more creative and thats fine with me. I can't understand why children are so often valued by how high their academic achievements are. Of course as parents we want to help but do it without pressure. Too often its all about the parent - what about a child's feelings? There are threads here full of DCs now grown up who felt like shit due to their parents' worth values.

If you are struggling with your MIL feeling your DD is perfect OP then thats your own issue. So what if she does feel her grandchild is lovely & perfect? What harm has it caused? I really hope your DD isn't fretting about how she is doing academically. Children are young once there's plenty of time to help them change and the fact your DH mentioned it to you isn't wrong - he is a parent too. Yes, show the reports to MIL if you want but no need to piss on their parade with no, she isn't doing well no point pretending she is. I still hope your DD wasn't there to hear that.

My mum thinks the sun shines out of my DDs. I don't get on with my mum but Im in no competition with her re. "oh no they're not as perfect as you think, look at this then...". I don't care. Its not about me, so what. Their paternal grandmother is the same - again, Im not fussed Id rather my DDs feel special with their different achievements...they are not the sum total of their academic worth.

No age mentioned re. your DD...either way it sounds unkind but far be it from me to say you should lighten up, it seems mostly here that parents and their twittering about academics from a ridiculously young age rule, never mind how the child may feel inside. Tough.

Laladeepsouth · 30/06/2015 04:11

The OP was hoping that, by showing the grandparents her DD's report, the grandparents would immediately freak out and plead "How can we help?" at which point OP would go over in detail the school work/work books that she has planned for her daughter over the school break and give the grandparents their work schedules. It didn't turn out that way, as the MIL saw the report through her loving and experienced (and perhaps very practical) eyes and OP became angry that no one was going to be immediately on board with her plan to "improve" her daughter.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 30/06/2015 06:55

YABU. I can hear my DM's bellow of "useless little shit" echoing in your first post, and feel the knife handle I picked up after she punched me in the head. Christmas 76 report, the last nail in the coffin of my love for her.

Didn't realise it until her funeral, when I found there were no tears forthcoming, and I felt no guilt for their absence.

Tread carefully, OP.

Tangerineandturquoise · 30/06/2015 09:40

disgrace Flowers

I suspect OP hasn't liked most of the replies on here and so wont be back- but I really hope her daughter wont ever end up feeling like posting up something similar to disgrace

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/07/2015 22:53

Thank you Tangerine.

HelenaDove · 01/07/2015 23:03

Disgrace Wine Thanks

rebellove · 01/07/2015 23:04

Yabu. Your DD needs to feel positive, not a failure. You can help her with her difficulties without making an issue out of it.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 01/07/2015 23:42

Yabvvvvvu. I can't believe any mother would be so discouraging about her child. Like others havd said. I hope she was not I ear shot because chances are it will stY with her.
Not all children are academic would it have caused you any greAt pain to praise her for the qualities she possess because we all have them.
I was not academic. They had class places when I was at school, and I always came last. As young as I was in destroyed my confidence. I just gavd up in the end. Well they're accusing me of being thick. I might as well act it, so do not label of she will live up to it.
Mind you God knows how, but I still managed to gain 8 GCSE's. Think it was possibly because I was so relaxed. Like I said. I didn't expect to do well. Don't think anyone expected me to.
You really don't know your dd could grow up to be a top Surgeon. Children can improve. Do not write her off

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