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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL, DH and school reports.

136 replies

butterfliesandbee · 28/06/2015 19:43

Mil and Fil came to our house today. DCs had both received their school reports on friday so i offer Mil and Fil if they want to see them. DS had am excellent report and DDs behaviour etc is excellent but actual work is below average. This is nothing new to any of us and we are worki g hard to help her.
Mil insisted that Dd was fine, ahe is doing well etc. Basically she doesnt like to think admit that she is struggling with work. I said that actually she isnd doing well and there is no point in pretending that she is. DH said nothing during this discussion.
Now they have left he has said I threw the fact DD isnt doing well in his mums face and that there is no point in argueing with her as she wont believe that Dd isnt perfect.
Apparently i shouldnt have let them read the reports although he never said anything at the time.
Did i do wrong?

OP posts:

Eebahgum · 28/06/2015 20:07

It depends on your interpretation of "fine". If her behaviour, attitude and effort are good of course it's fine to be below average. Sure, give her some extra help at home but that's not a reason to imply age hasn't had a good report. Please have a think about how your comments about dd's ability may affect her progress.

littlejohnnydory · 28/06/2015 20:08

YABVVVU. Why were you showing their reports around anyway? Their grades are for them, nobody else. Would you like your work appraisals to be handed out to the extended family so that they could 'work together' to improve your performance?

You were comparing your dd negatively to her brother. And what did you want MIL to say? Did you really want all the adults to sit around bemoaning your dd's failings?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 28/06/2015 20:08

That's what grandparents do!

My mum goes in and on about how amazing my children are, I just smile and nod. I certainly wouldn't rain on her parade with a dose of realism, what would be the point

msgrinch · 28/06/2015 20:08

yabu. It's good your dd has one person who thinks she's doing well.

Original poster

butterfliesandbee · 28/06/2015 20:08

Maybe i am a crap parent. Must start and only believe my dd is excellent at everything and only tell her that.

OP posts:

enderwoman · 28/06/2015 20:09

Unless the GP are involved educationally (helping with homework, reading etc) you should have kept things light and breezy like you might with an acquaintance.

DonkeyOaty · 28/06/2015 20:12

If the work she produces is "below average" and she has to work hard to achieve this, then she has done well.

AuntyMag10 · 28/06/2015 20:12

You aren't answering about what your il are going to contribute to your dd education.
You seem very intent on putting your dd down.

Starbrite00 · 28/06/2015 20:12

Maybe your daughter is doubt the best she can, not every child is a master of everything.
Do you find all adults A*? No because it isn't possible.
Just because she may not excel academically doesn't mean she wont in other areas, maybe she will be a great artist, actor, photographer. maybe she will grow into herself.
YABU hope she didn't hear you saying any of this. She sounds like a good grandparent to me.

LindyHemming · 28/06/2015 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigsDOfly · 28/06/2015 20:13

Ok, maybe 'banging on' is a bit strong, but your OP does read as if you were cross with MIL because she wouldn't agree with you that DD is not doing well.

Unless she is involved in DD's education she's going to have little input so why insist she agrees that DD isn't doing well.

She probably see what she wants to see as far as her DGC are concerned. She loves them and they can do no wrong in her eyes. Why is that so wrong?

Parents are (usually) the ones who have to deal with the DCs education and all the serious stuff.

It just seems a shame to argue over something like this especially if the DCs are in the room.

Original poster

butterfliesandbee · 28/06/2015 20:13

Thanks all and i mean that Seriously. Begining to realise i really must be a crap parent. Giving me lots to think about.

OP posts:

Gemauve · 28/06/2015 20:14

dd will have work books set through school to complete over the summer

Poor thing. Why on earth does she need to do this?

HaleMary · 28/06/2015 20:15

It's perfectly possible your mil just feels she's done with parenting and the grind of trying to motivate an underperforming child and the like, and wants to have a standard-issue 'spoiling and fun' relationship with her granddaughter without a DiL insisting strenuously that she acknowledge said granddaughter's failings at school?

manicinsomniac · 28/06/2015 20:15

butterflies - nobody is saying that you have to believe your dd is excellent at everything and tell her that. They are saying that grandparents tend to do that - which is fine and right.

Fizrim · 28/06/2015 20:15

I hope you are not that sarcastic with your DD. It's not that difficult to praise the good bits of a report and praise the effort made in the rest.

GinUpGirl · 28/06/2015 20:15

Too much work and too much pressure from you will kill her desire to learn, so you better check that.

Celebrate your DD's effort. Some kids just aren't capable of top marks and that is ok. Support her other skills.

enderwoman · 28/06/2015 20:16

Parents and grandparents are different.

It's normal for the grandparents to think that their grandchildren are perfect while the parents

enderwoman · 28/06/2015 20:17

... While the parents think about how the kids seem angelic because of the treats offered!!

NinkyNonkers · 28/06/2015 20:17

Oh come off it. You asked and people are giving opinions. You expet your daughter to take things on board but refuse to do so yourself? If her behaviour is great,effort good etc then I would call that a good report and see a lot of positives.

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 28/06/2015 20:17

No one is saying pretend that your DD is excellent at everything, what they are saying is the magical part of grandparents is the stress free love and fun.
Also it is foolish to focus on what your DD cannot do as well, you need to be building resilience and self esteem so she will continue to work hard/ behave well. I get infuriated at parents evenings by this sort of comparison between siblings. It is far more admirable to work hard if the results don't come easily.

ConfusedInBath · 28/06/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrstweefromtweesville · 28/06/2015 20:18

So ask yourself, are you too hard on your DD? I was on mine, and I regret it, but its too late now. You have time to become less judgemental and more supportive.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2015 20:18

Grandparents are supposed to think their grandchildren are wonderful. And if your dd is behaving well and doing her best then maybe the person who shouldn't see her report is you, OP!

Bakeoffcake · 28/06/2015 20:18

I don't understand the responses you're getting OP.

If your DD wasn't there I don't think there's a thing wrong with saying "actually she is struggling with x, y, z, But I'm really proud she's working so hard".

I presume she's getting extra help at school?

You can't go around pretending she's doing really well to her granpatprents, who as you say, see her a lot.

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