Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, DH and school reports.

136 replies

butterfliesandbee · 28/06/2015 19:43

Mil and Fil came to our house today. DCs had both received their school reports on friday so i offer Mil and Fil if they want to see them. DS had am excellent report and DDs behaviour etc is excellent but actual work is below average. This is nothing new to any of us and we are worki g hard to help her.
Mil insisted that Dd was fine, ahe is doing well etc. Basically she doesnt like to think admit that she is struggling with work. I said that actually she isnd doing well and there is no point in pretending that she is. DH said nothing during this discussion.
Now they have left he has said I threw the fact DD isnt doing well in his mums face and that there is no point in argueing with her as she wont believe that Dd isnt perfect.
Apparently i shouldnt have let them read the reports although he never said anything at the time.
Did i do wrong?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/06/2015 22:22

Oh, and I might do some maths or other homework with them too...

Larrytheleprechaun · 28/06/2015 22:23

And Grandparents see mostly all good in their grandchildren - I know my mother does, but she is not here at bedtime tantrums, rows, teenage strops. Go a little bit easy on Granny she obviously loves your DD, as do you.

teacherwith2kids · 28/06/2015 22:24

Absolutely, NannyOgg. I know of many families where the grandparents are actually the main 'out of school childcare', and in the same way that most good after school clubs have a quiet corner for homework, a few minutes with Granny doing homework isn't a bad part of the daily childcare routine.

ltk · 28/06/2015 22:29

Yanbu. I am a very pragmatic person and I am forever forgetting to sugarcoat information for others. I suppose your PIL are so delicate that you cannot share your dd's reality with them. Sad.

Denimwithdenim00 · 28/06/2015 22:30

Gosh op you sound a bit bossy really. Your mil can see her gc in anyway she chooses and if she thinks she's doing well can say so.

You need to be less controlling.

Really think you should stop saying your dd isn't doing well! She sounds a good kid and surely needs gentle help and lots of praise rather than comparing with her sibling and the whole family being told her struggles. Bless her.

Elvish · 28/06/2015 22:41

I hope it's not wrong Nanny!

My DPs and PIL both want to see DDs reports and are very interested in how she is getting on at school. They do homework with her when they have her after school and write the comments in her reading books for the teachers.

I'm very lucky and appreciative of all they do, why wouldn't I share a report with them?

DD struggles with her writing, it's behind her reading and she's not very interested. In the last school holidays the teacher recommended she keep a diary to do a little writing every day. Of course I shared this info with all her GPs, so they could support and help her. I would have been frustrated if the response from her GPs was that she didn't need to do anything and her writing was fine.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2015 22:47

Taking Your Report To Grandma was a key part of end of term for mine when my mum was alive. She provided cake and admiration. That was her job. Mine was to say Hmm, yes brilliant but........

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2015 22:49

"OP, I'm sure you are a good parent smile but I wouldn't ever discuss your DCs reports with anyone outside the immediate family"

In the context of this thread that post is sooo sad! Sad

YouMakeMyDreams · 28/06/2015 22:56

I don't think you're a bad parent but I do think you may be a little hard on your dd and your mil.
My dd really struggles at school with some things and her achievements aren't always where they should be for her age and stage but she works damn hard to be where she is. She IS doing well. If her poor grades were because she wasn't trying I'd be disappointed and telling her she isn't doing so well But I don't. I tell her how proud I am of her for workings hard. I also wouldn't be doing workbooks over the summer. She works hard and needs a break. I don't want her to hate learning and end up in a spiral of making less effort.

Momagain1 · 28/06/2015 23:04

It sounds like MIL made a very generic comment and you should have just let it drop.

If she has summer homework to do to catchup, that is simply something to be done, not anything MIL has to believe in. It is DDs responsibility to do it, whether she is at your house or theirs.

thegreylady · 28/06/2015 23:17

My grandchildren are, without exception, amazing. They are beautiful, handsome, talented and clever.They should always captain the teams, play the lead in productions and be generally lauded for their perfection. Biased? Moi? Never Grin

StoryNory · 28/06/2015 23:39

Ok, so my comment saying the op shouldn't show her kids reports to people outside her immediate family was a bit flippant Blush. I guess it depends on the family.
However, I always kept my kids reports 'private' - the kids GPs were already gushy enough and I found it hard enough to decipher the reports myself. i would have worried that it would encourage my kids to compare themselves with one another academically and could cause embarrassment if one of them got a poorer report than the others. It just seems a bit tasteless really Confused.

You wouldn't get adults sharing work reviews would you.

Italiangreyhound · 28/06/2015 23:53

butterfliesandbee I have not read all the replies and I am not going to tell you whether you are being unreasonable or not. I am just going to say....

My own dd is very, very dyslexic and is working two to three years below her school year. For me this is both a fact and a non-fact in the sense that she is struggling, happy to admit that to anyone (not in DD's hearing) but also she is doing well, because to be able to do well enough in her class when she has to do about three times as much work as everyone else, and she struggles to concentrate, is amazing.

For your own dd I hope you have some ideas as to why she is behind, (sorry I have not had time to read all comments but have read some, so I bet I have missed a vital bit!) and once the reason for struggles or being behind is known then everyone can work out what to do, how best to do it, and what may or may not work.

My only other comment is that with a school age child I would say her report is her report and whether it is shared with granny or granddad etc should be her decision in my humble opinion. My dd is 10 and I would not just give her report to an extended family member to read. My son is in reception and I think I would also ask him before sharing a whole report.

I might say a few choice bits about things that are going well but I would be careful how much to share.

It sounds like you think the truth is best but as I say there are facts and non-facts, and the truth can be quite elastic! Doing well and struggling, can be the same thing for some children!

Good luck, the fact you are on here talking about all this is a sign it's really on your mind, I do hope you will find the way forward for you and your dd. All the best.

CalleighDoodle · 28/06/2015 23:54

If the behaviour grade is high and the effort grade is high, it means she is working as well as she can. She should be praised.

SeenSheen · 28/06/2015 23:59

I think it is nice to share the report with grandparents and they often seem to like it too. Sounds like you weren't aware of her tendency to see what she wants to see.

I also agree that it is better to be honest about how she is doing providing tis in a positive way. Recognising where she is and talking about how you can help to move her on is far better than pretending she's doing brilliantly. Any improvements can then be praised and act as an inspiration to go further.

Good luck

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/06/2015 00:22

Dd And ds are both dyslexic. Dd just got 1 point above a Level 1 in one of her English GCSE papers. I knew early on they would not be working in an office or going to uni. Whilst they both do try hard it s not there and never will be. I give them every opportunity to excell in other stuff out of school. I am dyslexic also but it was not recognised in my day and I was forced to take loads of academic exams, which i failed, my school report was handed out and tutted over by not just family members. I just wish I had had a dm like me who would have let me do typing instead of French and cookery instead of history both would have been a damn site more relevant and I might have actually passed an exam or 2.

Don't be disappointed in your dd and if she is behind then she is behind, so be it. Try and find what your dd can excel at and enjoy doing after all the academic side of school is only going to get tougher.

GinUpGirl · 29/06/2015 00:29

Very wise words from Oliver.

skinoncustard · 29/06/2015 00:50

If your DD enjoys school, has friends, behaves well, tries her best in all subjects , excels in some . Then surely that is all you can ask of her. We can't all be brilliant at everything!
I think that being a 'nice person' with good old common sense is grossly undervalued today.
IMHO some people with lots of qualifications lack empathy and common sense.
Please praise her along with your son. The last thing you surely want is for her to grow up feeling she is not, and never will be 'good enough' .

Topseyt · 29/06/2015 02:13

Please just accept her for who she is, whatever her academic level.

Let her have a proper break over the school holidays. She may come to resent the additional pressure of holiday worksheets and you may find them problematical for that reason.

You can't make someone into something they are not.

She is how she is. Yes, help her along, but don't do things that could be construed as "holding her nose to the grindstone". She is only a child once. Let her be a child.

I suspect you may be setting too much store by academic prowess. It really isn't everything.

Teapot13 · 29/06/2015 03:22

Of all the complaints about MILs, this one is pretty strange.

LondonZoo · 29/06/2015 03:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barramundi · 29/06/2015 03:47

My middle dd doesn't always get great grades. It would be fair to say she is behind her peers academically. However she works hard and behave impeccably at school. We constantly praise her efforts and if she points out poor grades we try to reinforce how proud we are of her hard work. She sees a tutor twice weekly to try to improve her literacy and maths. We have never linked this to her lower grades though at almost 10 she is going to make the link sooner or later. She enjoys the time with her tutor as she is young and has lots of energy and is good fun.
Some family members know she has a tutor because she tells them. We don't discuss it though. They love her just as she is which is what I'm sure your PIL feel for your dd.

Freyathecatt · 29/06/2015 04:13

Blimey, tough ride OP, you aren't at all a bad parent. I don't see the problem in showing a child's report to the GPs and pointing out the fact that your DD could do better in some areas. Especially if you're expecting them to spend a lot of time together over Summer. Learning doesn't all have to happen by rote or from books and there is no reason they can't help out.

Perhaps the way you went about it was a little heavy handed, but I really don't think it's a big deal.

It seems that according to MN it takes a village to raise a child, unless it's with respect to their education in which case it's a job for you alone.

Hope you're ok.

ReallyTired · 29/06/2015 04:30

50% of children are below average and for many of those children it's no fault of their own. A child cannot help it if they aren't super intelligent. Your mother in law is bring sensible to praise effort rather than achievement.

LondonZoo · 29/06/2015 04:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread