MIL, DH and school reports.

[butterfliesandbee]

Mil and Fil came to our house today. DCs had both received their school reports on friday so i offer Mil and Fil if they want to see them. DS had am excellent report and DDs behaviour etc is excellent but actual work is below average. This is nothing new to any of us and we are worki g hard to help her.
Mil insisted that Dd was fine, ahe is doing well etc. Basically she doesnt like to think admit that she is struggling with work. I said that actually she isnd doing well and there is no point in pretending that she is. DH said nothing during this discussion.
Now they have left he has said I threw the fact DD isnt doing well in his mums face and that there is no point in argueing with her as she wont believe that Dd isnt perfect.
Apparently i shouldnt have let them read the reports although he never said anything at the time.
Did i do wrong?

YABVU. What on earth did you do that for?! I really hope your DD wasn't there...she'd have felt like crap, with you labouring the point that she wasn't doing well. The problem with you is, you dislike your MIL seeing her beautiful grandaughter as perfect. You need to own that, and the reasons why, and deal with your unreasonableness. Don't be so utterly horrible ok - you wouldn't like anyone to point out your lack of achievements whilst skating over your actual achievements, so don't do it to anybody else. Especially a child!

I agree with PPs. GPs think that their GC are brilliant. It's what they do. As long as you're helping your DD, your ILs shouldn't have to.

OP how old is your DD? You don't mention this in the original thread I don't think?

I don't think what you have done is so bad...I would probably show my DD's reports to my parents or at least discuss them (not I front of her) because they are heavily involved in her upbringing and look after her a couple of days a week at times. I don't honk you're 'banging on about it' but I can see why GPs only want to see the best in their GD, that's healthy and nice. What I would say is it sounds like you're trying to do your best for her and depending what age she is you're quite right she can read her own report and will be aware of areas she is weaker on. I don't see this as a negative, if it's important subjects like maths and English then I think you're doing the right thing trying to help her along as long as you're staying super positive and encouraging her on all her brilliant other areas. Obviously not everyone can excel at everything but I can't see why everyone is reacting so very negatively to you wanting to help her achieve the best she can. I do however think if GPs done want to be involved however that's fine, it's not really their job and I do think it might make your DD feel self conscious if they start talking to her about it too. I think it's more a job for mum and dad really.

OP - you are not a bad mother, and it's great you don't see your daughter's academic prowess through rose tinted spectacles. However, maybe you're not the greatest DIL...

Yabu, I wouldn't give school reports to grandparents to read, it's a parents job to support their children, a grandparent just needs to dote on the children and believe they are perfect. The last thing your dd needs is you and her grandparents saying she's not up to much.

Yabu. I would never hand over school reports for GP's to read. Although to my amazement (or maybe not actually ) my own Mil seemed to think she was going to be having a look.

It's a private communication for parents and the relevant dc. I would not be discussing their educational difficulties or otherwise in detail with anyone other than a teacher.

Having said that, I can imagine a G/P only saying positive things. Perhaps that was her way of being supportive.

Yabu but not a crap parents. You are obviously worried and hearing she is fine is not helping.

But that's what grandparents do. You are taking your frustration out on mil because she doesn't see things the same way you do. She isn't the parent and she is her own person and has her own opinion.

I have one child who is very academic and one who isn't. However they both try very hard. Ds is much better at sport and hands on activities. I praise them both as they both do their best. I have to do more work with ds but never mention that he needs it because he has some catching up to do. We just do it.

Oh and yes my parents see the kids reports, usually because the kids want to show them. It's their report so up to them.

I'm with LondonZoo on this one... You put your MIL in a very difficult position . I also think that there's more to your post than meets the eye.
You are not a crap parent at all but I feel that you have mis-judged on this occasion.

I don't think you're a crap parent either. I also think your mil sounds like a lovely grandmother by still thinking her dgd is wonderful despite the report. Don't force her to change.
It's great that you're trying to help her and a little bit of extra work through the holidays is not a bad thing at all. A bit of extra work may give her a boost and confidence.

I think it's just both of you coming from a different angle. When my dc were young l was very focused on their reports but as life went on l realised far more serious and demanding stuff would arise in their teenage years so worrying over school reports seemed like a waste of energy. I have a gd now and when l hear her parents worrying about stuff l can hardly believe it as l think that's not worth spending one minute on..l say nothing though. I think it's the hindsight thing with grandparents. We only realise later what was really important. So both of ye are normal from where ye are standing right now.

You're not a crap parent, you're a concerned one. But, behaviour is much more important than where she slots in academically - it will have her achieving a lot more in the long run.

How old is she? Have you discussed with the school what they are doing to help her and what you could do too? It's best not to obsess about it, but do a little everyday. The best place to start is reading. If she has trouble with numbers, she may need to have lots of physical items to help her understand a concept/do her homework.

Some children are late bloomers and it all clicks into place when they are a bit older. Others have a learning difference like dyslexia that can affect reading, maths and writing. Either way, practice little and often is the only real way of overcoming it.

GPs are seeing it from a point of view where they know behaviour is more important in how someone succeeds in life. They might have seen plenty of smart people totally fail because they are lazy learners in their lifetime and know your dd will be just fine. Take it as a compliment. If your dd is set extra work to help then I'm sure they'll be on board with it, so long as it's only for short periods of time (long periods of time won't be as affective anyway).

Also, confidence has a lot to do with success, so make sure your daughter feels 'smart' and not that she is slower than everyone else...it can make the world of difference to a child to know she can do something rather than fear that she might fail.

It is your job as a parent to help her where she is struggling.

Grandparents are just supposed to tell kids they are amazing.

YABU.

Agree with all posters that say if effort grade high and behaviour grade high she is doing well. What more could dd do if she is getting top grades for effort and behaviour? Some children have to be below average academically for there to be an average. If you or school are concerned re learning disability then you and dh will ensure she gets support not gps.

I do wonder if your dd is at an academic private school (early report, dance and effort/grade format plus setting work for dd in summer) Is she actually behind or just behind the class average? Is she accessing appropriate support?

If your dd has effort high and behaviour high then she is doing well! Not all children are easily academic.

I see no problem in what your mil said, you just sound difficult to be honest. You should let your dd get some praise as well.

My MIL can be like this - it's a mixture of ignoring negative stuff generally, not being that interested in academic stuff as it's not her forte, and a belief common to where she lives that your either born academically bright or not and there is little you can do to change things.

It leads to thing like DC getting 4 out of ten and MIL going wild with praise while I stand there saying well done for trying - but you got more before so what didn't you get remember - what did you find hard shall we try again or look at that area. It's not that I'm not praising but I'm looking at why they struggled and trying to ensure they don't long term.

An entire report is to big an area - honestly best thing there is to praise.

You need to identify specific areas and work out how to help - and you can't do everything at once.

I always find summer is a crap time to get extra work done - the weather is nice everyone wants to be out and about. Little and often I find is key - find 15- 20 minutes a day most days to work on an area even during term time.

I think a selection of work books might be boring for both GP and DC - and if the DC kicks up a fuss about doing them are GP going to want t force the issue?

You can try making thing fun - make get IL on boards with a few tasks, if it's maths - lots of sites out there with games and stuff that help build core skills, if it's handwriting - pick out a nice example and see if you can get GP on board with doing 10 minutes a day with her - or writing lists/cards etc. with them. If it's reading picking out a fun book to read with GP - or getting them to do the library challenge with them.

I found I can get MIL on board with a specific task to do with the DC - especially if it's fun.

Lots of people do have idea that any extra work is bad - but as a child I really struggled in particular areas being dyslexic but was still academic. I don't want that for my DC. I've seen with my DC bit of extra help and support and they've gone from struggling to flying. That has certainly helped get my IL on board - even MIL.

Both of mine might not be the sharpest knives in the box academically but they work hard, are very confident and out going, have bags of common sense and are reasonably good at something they enjoy doing outside of normal school. Those things will take them further than any GCSEs or academic career will ever take them.

I have always told my dc that it is ok to be in the bottom set at school because if you do a good piece of work or suddenly get something then they will receive more praise than if they were in the top set.

Sorry posted too soon.

op forget about trying to keep up academically, use the time to find out what she really is good at. It might take a little effort and you might be out every night of the week at various after school activities (I at one point was out till 9pm each night, all day Saturday and a few hours on Sunday on activities ranging from fencing to drama, singing, gymnastics and every type of dance you can think of. Seeing how dd is now it has definitely been worth the sacrifice. I couldn't actually imagine what she would have done with her life if I had forced her to try to be academic.

My grandchildren are all, without exception, brilliant.
I can see objectively where they find some things easier to do than others but if someone wanted me to slag off their reports I would very, very irritated indeed.
I think your wording is unnecessarily negative." She isn't doing well and its no use pretending that she is"-it may be better to say something more specific to MIL such as DD is struggling with maths-it would be great if you could play some games with her and get her to help you with weighing and measuring over the summer.

Your attitude to your DD in your post doesn't sound very kind.
Do you really want to undermine her confidence? Do you yourself respond well to criticism?

I've been thinking a bit more about this OP and why I find your posts about your DD difficult. I can see that you care about her and want to help but your comments about her sound more like judgments than descriptions and you clearly feel that it is a very bad thing that she is struggling with some aspects of academic work. Also your comments are quite global-as if worth is linked to academic ability.
If you were more descriptive and specific about her difficulties eg "finds spelling difficult" "has difficulty with mental arithmatic" it would be more constructive and your MIL might find it easier to hear.

Regarding showing reports to grandparents-it depends on the GPs.
I regret showing reports to my parents as they over-valued academic success and turned it into a grandchild race.
It took me a long time to question their values and I hope I've done so in time for my own grandchildren.

Everyone finds some things easier than others.

I think the OP has had a hard time on this thread. Everyone seems to have assumed the worse, that her DD was present, and that she doesn't praise her DD or help her develop her self esteem, neither of which are explicitly stated by the OP, they are just assumptions. My DD struggles with maths, I would love her GPs to be able to help out, but realistically they are worse at maths than DD so little point in raising it.

DD has shown her report to GPs as they sometimes pick her up from school, we all praise her for her considerable efforts and good behaviour, yet privately I have told GPs about her poor maths, and they can see this in the reports. Her poor maths is a fact, and I see no reason in hiding it, no-one tells DD off about it, she does her best and is enthusiastic (most of the time) about doing a bit extra on a daily basis. I would be annoyed a bit if the GPs couldn't be rational about the kids. My DPs love their GCs but are not starry eyed about them, we are a warts and all family and don't tend to sugar coat things. Personally I am all for realism. And not one of us thinks DDs poor maths will stop her being successful and happy when she grows up.

I agree with LondonZoo

Either this about your relationship with your MIL, and this issue is one you've chosen to clash on, or you are more anxious about your DD than you are letting on.

Maybe it just is the case that GP really don't care how well she is doing academically.

How old is your DD, OP?