MIL, DH and school reports.

[butterfliesandbee]

Mil and Fil came to our house today. DCs had both received their school reports on friday so i offer Mil and Fil if they want to see them. DS had am excellent report and DDs behaviour etc is excellent but actual work is below average. This is nothing new to any of us and we are worki g hard to help her.
Mil insisted that Dd was fine, ahe is doing well etc. Basically she doesnt like to think admit that she is struggling with work. I said that actually she isnd doing well and there is no point in pretending that she is. DH said nothing during this discussion.
Now they have left he has said I threw the fact DD isnt doing well in his mums face and that there is no point in argueing with her as she wont believe that Dd isnt perfect.
Apparently i shouldnt have let them read the reports although he never said anything at the time.
Did i do wrong?

I'm sure you're not a crap parent, OP. But maybe think about why it was so NB to you for your mil to admit that your daughter wasn't doing well at school? Did you feel disbelieved, or as if you were being told you were too hard on DD?

I do sympathise to an extent. My mother sweeps things under the carpet if she can't deal with them. I had a friend with terminal cancer, and my mother (who lives in another country and didnt know her) would ask about friend every time we talked, and say 'Please God she'll be feeling better in a bit' and 'medicine can work miracles' when friend was in end of life care with days to live.

i think you were preemptive and defensive really ive done it myself yes my daughter has done badly but look what we are going to do to fix it!

you need to relax on it a little

Don't forget only 50% of students can be above average or average!

It shouldn't be about being "below average" but it should be about putting effort in and trying your hardest. Often for children who aren't academic their 'below average' achievements take a lot more determination and work that the achievements of the more academic students.

Read the last post from the OP! I don't think it's sarcastic and she sayes that she has a lot to think about, so you should quit the YABVVVVVVU stuff.

OP, a parents role is indeed to read reports and act on them. Praise the good and work on the areas that need work on. A parent needs to be realistic, but being unrealistic is actually doing a disservice to your child if it means not helping them because you can't accept that they need help.

A grandparents role, in my eyes at least, is much less practical and much more softer. So what if she thinks the sun shines from your daughter. I think that is just wonderful. There's not many people in life who think that about us, so let your mil do that,

only seeing g the good and refusing to acknowledge the bad is right and i am wrong
Bad? poor child, I'm not sure calling her achievements good/bad like that is going to be any good for her confidence.
If you want to help at home, ask the teacher what you can do, they'll probably say reading or times tables (don't know how old she is) then quietly do some things with her at home. don't make a big fanfare of 'you're bad at this, it must improve, everyone must acknowledge this and this is what we're all going to do about it' is going to make her feel terrible isn't it??

grandparents are there to spoil and praise their grandchildren. my parents think my kids walk on water. they could catch dd torching a car and come up with a reason that this shows how clever etc she is!

it sounds like they are doing childcare over the summer? it's fine to get her to do some workbooks but it's also her holiday and this is a great time to recharge batteries and learn other stuff.

how old is your dd?

I think you're getting a hard time OP and I think I know where you're coming from too but the GPs are just doing their job of seeing their GCs through rose tinted spectacles.

DC1 - didn't talk till 2 & a half! Us, worried sick. GPs, sign of genius!

DC2 - congenital birth defect requiring surgeries and physio. Us, worried sick. GPs, nah, they're perfect!

Very sweet but usless if you want to talk about concerns. Our job as parents is to be realistic. Grandparents don't have to be.

From now on I'd keep information about DDs education on a need to know basis with the GPs. Everyone will be much happier!

I think the point is not to lie about academic achievement but recognise the hard work that she puts in, if as you say behaviour etc is great then it's not attitude but ability and no amount of harsh straight talking will improve this. Gentle support and encouragement is much more appropriate surely. I'm not saying you're not doing this, but sounds like that's what MIL was trying to do. Not every child is super bright, but hard work and a good attitude is just as important in life.

Always praise effort not attainment. Do what you can to support her. Accept that mil has the best of intentions and loves your daughter. My dmil ( now sadly passed away) truly thought that all her dear grand kids were wonderful and would say things like " he's alright, he's happy leave him alone ( one dgs who has autism) and "she'll be alright once she gets going" ( my dd who had speech delay and a stammer), however we took the loving meaning from her words . It's our job as parents to do the tough stuff like workbooks and help

You don't need to show ILs the reports. They don't need to know/accept your dd is struggling in some areas - that's your thing to worry about as parents. The grandparents just buy ice-creams and shower praise and then give them back. You're not a crap mum, but step back from the ILs, they don't need to agree with you on everything or even be involved in everything.

Of course grandparents don't have to see reports. But stopping them from seeing them because they are too nice about them seems perverse in the extreme!

I think it's fine to boost them in ways that say "you are doing really well in X, y and z but we do need to focus a little on this to improve your spelling/reading/maths" whatever the issue is. It is ok to say that children aren't brilliant at everything because generally they aren't and there will be something that they do struggle with.

I think in your case you may have gone about it in a slightly heavy handed way. Children will not remember the praise. They will remember all the critical comments. I certainly do. I don't remember praise. I remember the bad stuff said like it was yesterday. If you continue to focus on the fact that your dd is below average, she will believe and accept it and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Oh and your ILs don't need to be involved in this at all. GPs are not going to tell their DGC that they are below average and need to do better. They will always praise them (the decent ones will anyway).

I'm not really sure what you want from the grandparents. Would you be pleased if they had spent Sunday afternoon picking your daughter's performance at school apart? I'm fairly sure they are now wondering what you want from them. You show them the report, they do the normal grandparent thing of looking for the good and deflecting the less good and you become critical and defensive. But had they agreed with you, I'm sure they're perfectly aware that you might have been furious about their attitude there, too.

It really was a pretty bad situation to put them in.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable for the OP to make GP realise that DD is not perfect academically. They may be able to help support her.

If your reports are anything like the ones my DCs have always had, and we issue where I work, they have two types of 'judgement' on them (an Excellent / Good / Satisfactory / Poor grade for effort, and some kind of indication of whether they are exceeding / attaining / not reaching expectations for their year).

The accompanying comment from my DC's school always said that if a 'not reaching expectations' attainment grade came with an excellent or good effort grade, then the child is doing their best and this was praiseworthy - they are working their hardest, but for whatever reason are attaining less well in that subject. On the other hand, a lower than good effort grade, even if coupled with above expectations achievement, was always a cause for concern.

Hard work and excellent behaviour DOES mean a good report, even if your DD is not attaining at a high level - she is doing what is asked of her, she is working hard. Do not punish her for the fact that however hard she works she is less academic than her sibling.

'Yes, she tries really hard and her behaviour is brilliant' is the type of comment that it would be appropriate to make to a grandparent.

If you want them to help with academic stuff over the holiday, just be specific 'DD is doing a page of maths per day just to make certain it stays fresh in her mind all summer. Do you think you could fit it in when she;'s with you? I always find that X time is good, and of course if you're doing something exciting, leave it for that day' or whatever. No need for a heavy discussion as to why.

How old is your DD? It's good for you to work with the school to help her to improve academically but do need to make sure she doesn't get the impression she is not good enough. Your MIL sounds a loving GP.

OP, I'm sure you are a good parent but I wouldn't ever discuss your DCs reports with anyone outside the immediate family.

I think there is actually a law that says that grandparents must think that their grandchildren are superior to all other children in every respect. My MIL spotted signs of superior intelligence in my DD1 when she was only 3 weeks old I think it was wind myself.

Well You Say she is excellent at some things so presumably they focused on those, being positive. If she is excellent at things that's great news! Nobody can be excellent at everything!

But Don't show people your kids reports and don't expect grandparents to do schoolwork with your kids.

If your DD is making an effort and she is well behaved, I can see why your MIL thinks she is fine. I don't think that you should involve your ILs in your DD's education or expect them to work with her in the holidays unless they specifically ask to be involved. That isn't a grandparents job.

You sound like the DIL from hell. Whilst it is admirable that you are taking an interest in your children's education you are being VERY unfair on your DD and her GPs.

Would your MIL maybe feel that you are too hard on your DD and automatically jumps to her defence? I am not saying that you are, by the way, but perhaps she has heard you say DDs work was below average and she felt she needed to stand up for her? Your husband does not sound completely on board with it all it all RE the extra school work, your daughters achievements? Would he feel like that too?

I am not asking these questions to get at you OP (I think this thread may do that without me putting the boot in), but it might be something to think about. Some people excel academically, some dont we all have our talents somewhere regardless. All your daughter can do is her best - maybe your MIL not wanting to admit that your DDs results are not brilliant is her cack handed way of saying that. Your daughter seems to have worked hard so of course deserves great credit for that, which I am sure you give her.

You want what is best for your child, you are not a bad parent OP.

OP, I'm sure you are a good parent smile but I wouldn't ever discuss your DCs reports with anyone outside the immediate family

Are GPs not immediate family? Or do you just mean the other parent?

I see my DGC's reports. I see what they bring home from school and I often listen to them read.

Is this really so wrong?

It depends. If a grandparent is doing all the 'over holiday' childcare, then a quiet 15 mins a day while a child does a page of a workbook, or sharing a reading book, can actually be a reasonable part of the daily routine, as long as it's flexible.

But if it is much more occasional than that, and the children are just visiting them as a treat, then of course schoolwork isn't part of that.