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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you about your idea of sex?

53 replies

IUseAnyName · 25/06/2015 15:57

I'm not asking about your sex life but more how you view sex.

Can you take it or leave it, do you have to be in the mood, can you not get enough of it?

I only ask because my dh has a high sex drive, I think I do but not sure. Most of the time I can't be arsed, or I'm not bothered, but force myself in to it as I know I'll enjoy it and get in to it, which I normally do I it always leave me wanting more.
But is it normal to not be bothered about it until you're in the throes?

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 25/06/2015 15:59

MN has a sex topic now.

hiddenhome · 25/06/2015 16:00

It's fine, but I appreciate help with changing the bedding the next day Smile

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 25/06/2015 16:03

I don't think it's normal to force yourself into it, no.

Jen1610 · 25/06/2015 16:03

The more I have the more I want it. Not had it for a week for one reason or another and now feel meh about it. Although once I have it again I'll want it the next day and so on and so on. Until the next drought. So tonight I'm not really feeling up for it but will because I know once I start I'll enjoy it.

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 25/06/2015 16:17

I think that's exactly how I feel about it Jen.
I'm posting here for taffic really, and I never visit any other topics on mn. But tell me if ibu for posting here.

OP posts:
elderflowerlemonade · 25/06/2015 16:19

Yeah, I'm like Jen. I don't like certain aspects of sex that most people like, which can make the whole thing off putting.

BaronessBomburst · 25/06/2015 16:19

No, you can post where you like.
It's new and not everyone knows about it yet, that's all.

Chattymummyhere · 25/06/2015 16:24

I have a high sex drive and do get a bit grumpy when I haven't had sex for a while. But I hate being the one to instigate it.

Massivetonsil · 25/06/2015 16:28

For me it's closely linked to the emotional state of my relationship and I attach a lot of emotion to it. Not to the act itself but to the amount we have. I see it as an extention and better version of a cuddle with my husband and when I'm stressed or upset I take a lot of comfort in it.

Bizarrely when we started having Sex again after each of our losses I cried through the whole thing. It wasn't about pleasure for either of us it was to reconnect and be close to each other. It meant a great deal to us both.

DrDre · 25/06/2015 16:32

I have a higher sex drive than my wife. I would, ideally, like it a couple of times a week. We normally manage it about once a week, which I'm happy with. Any longer than that and I get a bit grumpy.

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 25/06/2015 16:35

That's really nice massive. Sorry for your losses, but it sounds like a nice way to reconnect x

OP posts:
Original poster
IUseAnyName · 25/06/2015 16:36

My dh gets grumpy too, which is catch22 as I dont want to do it with someone who's been grumpy for past couple days :/

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 25/06/2015 18:19

I like it, but, I don't know. It's like I don't feel in the mood for it that often, but then every time we do it we both lie there feeling great and that we should do it a lot more, and spend the rest of the day and following days thinking about, wanting and having sex, but then back to shift work and routine and I forget and get out of the way of it. Cue no sex for a while and then the cycle repeats.

I wish we did it more, so does DH. We both want to, but for some reason I don't.

Guyropes · 25/06/2015 18:26

I imagine that some answers on here will be Influenced by whether or not people are using hormonal contraception.

I didn't, and wanted to express love for my oh sexually at least twice a day. Now I am pg, and it's fluctuated a bit, but mostly the same.
Interested to find out what happens post partum.

Booboostoo · 25/06/2015 18:51

I have a much lower sex drive than DH. I thoroughly enjoy sex but I just don't need it as often. Unfortunately, as above, DH gets grumpy without sex which puts me off having sex with him.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 25/06/2015 19:02

Interesting point Guyropes.

I have a high sex drive and usually want it daily. I do get grumpy if it doesn't happen at least a couple of times a week. Actually if it's less than 3 occasions a week I can feel my mood get really low.
I do try not to let it show as it's not exactly an attractive trait!
No hormonal contraceptives here.

LornMowa · 25/06/2015 19:07

There's a correlation between my desire for sex and the state of the house. The tidier the house the more likely I am to want sex. I feel particularly up for it if other people have pulled their weight around the house.

Men, feeling grumpy about lack of sex?...Go clean the loo!

MagicBacon · 25/06/2015 19:11

I used to be very much 'take it or leave it' (in fact, most often I'd leave it) with XH, but I was resentful of him in lots of other ways and I didn't feel like having sex with someone who was essentially an often-absent flat mate! To be fair, when we did it, I did tend to enjoy it, but it was only a couple of times in 15 years that I instigated it (and he resented that forever more as I got pregnant with DC3 that time and he felt 'tricked'!)

With DP, we are very cuddly and tactile, I can't get enough of him, kissing, cuddling and stroking him. He craves my touch and I only have to put my hands on his arm or back to make him feel calm and relaxed, so our connection is very much a physical one (as well as getting on brilliantly and being very supportive of each other).

I find that I do feel down when I don't spend the night with him for a couple of days (we don't live together) even if we do see each other e.g. at lunch time or for the evening without sleepover, so I think the sex is a big part of feeling together.

It's every night, even if we're both knackered. We sometimes say we'll leave it, but once we're in bed we don't want to Smile We've been together nearly 3 years now. No hormonal contraception - I have found this killed my drive in the past, amongst other side effects.

Totality22 · 25/06/2015 19:26

No hormonal contraception here but breastfeeding is the biggest libido killer I have ever experienced!! Add a toddler to the mix and I have to confess I rarely feel like sex. When we have done it, it's been crap for me as I am distracted by my leaky boobs, saggy belly as well as being like sandpaper down there (we have since invested in some lube)

It's such a shame as we were incredibly physical in the first 5 years or so? No rhyme or reason as such but we had very well matched libido's, had enough sex to keep us both happy and it was all very fulfilling.

I think TTC was the first nail in the coffin, recurrent miscarriages didn't help and although we now have two beautiful children it has been to detriment of that part of our relationship. Sex hasn't been about "us" for a long time now if that makes sense.

I am hoping the way I feel is short term. Baby is 5 months old so we'll be starting to wean in a month or so and I hope as she gets older we are able to get back on track. My OH - bless him - is very understanding but I know he misses that closeness.

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2015 20:00

My DS is 15 months old and I'm still waiting for my sex drive to return....

I have absolutely no desire for it whatsoever.

Pandora37 · 25/06/2015 20:37

I have to be in the mood. I'm not on hormonal contraception but am on fluoxetine and my sex drive has virtually vanished since starting that. Before then, if I went a week without sex it felt like forever. Now once a week feels like far too much. Funny how medication can effect you so much.

Hottypotty · 25/06/2015 20:40

I usually enjoy it once it starts but could quite happily go indefinitely without. Which is a shame as dh is more of a several time a week sort of guy!

Treeceratops · 25/06/2015 20:44

Stopping bf has made me want sex a lot more. My libido varies depending on time of the month but we manage it about 3 times a week (being diligent as we are TTC). It varies between gagging for it and 'oh go on then'. I also find it an important way to reconnect after one of us has been away.

TheRainDrops · 25/06/2015 20:44

3 and a bit years of ttc, plus a miscarriage, have undoubtedly affected my and DH's entire view of sex.
Obviously we have quite a lot of it, but for the most part now our attitude to initiating it is it's something we have to do, like remembering to put the bin out. I genuinely can't remember the last time we did it just cos we fancied a shag!
We do both enjoy ourselves once we do it, most of the time, but there's nothing like a sense of duty/obligation to take all the fun out of your sex life. We're starting IVF next month and if, fingers crossed, that works I hope we can try to get back to 'normal' at some point, although totality your post doesn't inspire too much confidence in that! Wink

jabbsy74 · 25/06/2015 20:59

pregnant, im a complete pervert and want it in ways my body cant keep up with. am loving this as before i was just a couple of times a week, take it or leave it depending on tiredness.

am really not looking forward to losing my mojo after birth, i wanna keep this inner pervert alive. fella is obviously loving it too, its like back in the beginning of the relationship, all over the house and just one look.... although we're not at the same twice a day level as then. which is fine, cos theres only so many ways to do it with a great big belly and norks getting in the way.