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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you about your idea of sex?

53 replies

IUseAnyName · 25/06/2015 15:57

I'm not asking about your sex life but more how you view sex.

Can you take it or leave it, do you have to be in the mood, can you not get enough of it?

I only ask because my dh has a high sex drive, I think I do but not sure. Most of the time I can't be arsed, or I'm not bothered, but force myself in to it as I know I'll enjoy it and get in to it, which I normally do I it always leave me wanting more.
But is it normal to not be bothered about it until you're in the throes?

OP posts:

HoneyLemon · 25/06/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whyhasmyheadgonenumb · 25/06/2015 21:05

I don't have vaginal Orgasms so I'm not that bothered about the actual act of intercourse but I really love foreplay. I'm single now but my ex was a very generous lover and we were very compatible in that way, just not any other way

Lozy79 · 25/06/2015 21:17

Well we haven't had sex for 18 months!!! We both aren't happy about it but neither of us are bothered enough to do anything about it. We have a 3 yr old and 10 month old and I'm breastfeeding. I dont fancy it, but am worried this is damaging our marriage.

jokinnear · 25/06/2015 21:21

i've grew to resent dp for making me feel like a pervert for wanting sex. i decided to get my own back by not having it when they wanted it. now we still don't have sex and in addition i've grown so far apart from them that the idea of having sex with them feels strange

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2015 21:22

lozy - me and DH have gone almost 20 months

I thought that when I cut back on breast feeding my libido might return but no such luck. I only BF our DS 2-3 times a day but still no sex drive to be seen.

I think we've now got in a rut though where I've forgotten how good sex could be so I have no urge to have it.

I think I'm just going to have to make myself have sex one night and hope that it will kick start my libido

jabbsy74 · 25/06/2015 21:22

you guys need to get drunk together!

Goodbetterbest · 25/06/2015 21:26

Having sex is much like going to the gym. You don't really want to do it but it's fine when you get there and you are always glad you did it afterwards.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/06/2015 21:29

I like to do it regularly otherwise I do get quite low.
I don't like this about myself but it's how I've been since I was 16 or so.

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2015 21:30

I haven't been to the gym in 7 years.

I once paid £30 a month membership fee for over two years and only ever went to the gym a maximum of ten times in that period

If sex was more like eating a box of maltesers as opposed to being like going to the gym then I may be more up for it

Lozy79 · 25/06/2015 21:30

Yes writer...i think we need to grab the bull by the horns, as they say

OhBigHairyBollocks · 25/06/2015 21:32

I used to have an extremely high sex drive. One pregnancy, a toddler, an episode of depression and another pregnancy later I can take it or leave it really. DH doesn't mind as he always had a lower sex drive than I did, but I think he would like more now. Tends to go in phases really. Sometimes twice a day and sometimes once a fortnight.

It's very rare that we snipe at or argue with one another but that's when we know we need to have sex.

monkeyfacegrace · 25/06/2015 21:37

Oh lordy, I need a good shag every day. Preferably every morning and every night. Sometimes lunch time too.

Always had an insane sex drive. I can't find a man to keep up with me

DH does his best but I'd still like it more more more

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2015 21:37

lozy - Monday the 6th of July is my best bet for grabbing my bull, how about it? We can report back the following day, lol

We can be like gym buddies who motivate each other

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2015 21:38

Bloody hell monkey

monkeyfacegrace · 25/06/2015 21:39

I'm on the pill and antidepressants too. Hate to think what I'd be like off all medication!

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2015 21:59

Probably in jail for sex-pesting all the men in your range of vision

Ionone · 25/06/2015 21:59

I love sex and would ideally like to have sex more than once a day, most days. I'm not normally interested when it's my period though I don't mind and do enjoy it once we start. DH is very much a twice a week sort of man but we have come to an arrangement and if I want sex and he isn't up for it, he will kiss me and do foreplay and erm, stuff, and we will use vibrators together. It's very loving, almost as much as if we were having actual sex, and it keeps me feeling very loved and cared for. He finds it a huge turn on as because he's not necessarily as in the moment as me he can see precisely how turned on I get. He really enjoys this and it's something he comes back to when we are having sex and tells me about how much he loves it.

Having said all that, when my child was small, I didn't fancy sex at all and DH was v understanding about that too. It was prob 6 months before we had sex at all after DD was born and then only maybe once a month or so until she was about, well, school age and I got my life back a bit more. 0-4 was just too tiring and too full on for me to have much spare energy for sex.

We also went through a period when TTC (took ages) when neither of us enjoyed it much (we went to Relate who were v helpful) and that took some working through. The important bit is that we have, hopefully, always been honest about it and if one person wanted sex and the other didn't we have found ways to accommodate that and been happy to do that.

Sorry, hope this is neither too graphic nor too prissy for you to see what I mean! I just think honesty and accommodating the other person's desire levels is important, as long as you're not accommodating them at the expense of your own self. It probably doesn't matter how interested you are in sex, as long as your own actual sex life is satisfying and your OH is also happy and neither of you feels pushed into doing things you don't want to.

Lozy79 · 25/06/2015 22:00

That's very specific writer, though the weekend is probably better for us...oh gawd, cringing at the thought. Need to change my mindset.

Ionone · 25/06/2015 22:02

BTW, one of the things the Relate counsellor said to us was that it was quite important to just give it a go and see if you got in the mood once you were in the throes, so to speak. With NO PRESSURE and both of us could obviously say no at any time. This helped a lot. I think it really got our sex life back on track. So yes, I think it's very normal not to be that bothered until you are actually there and think 'hmmm, yes, this is lovely'.

ProvisionallyAnxious · 25/06/2015 22:15

Like others I can happily go without for a week or two but then once I have it I enjoy it, and it can kickstart a few days of wanting it more. I am trying to work on it because I do tend to over think sex and then not enjoy it, and I also over think whether or not I want it and then manage to talk myself out of wanting it IYSWIM.

Can I ask if PPs who say they don't want sex and often masturbate much in between? I tend to masturbate once a day or so but it isn't really a sexual act - more stress relief. I can want to masturbate but have no interest in sex, I don't know if that's strange or not!

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2015 22:24

provisionally - I have no interest in sex but will masturbate at least 4 times a week. Like you it isn't anything sexual, just stress relief and something to help me fall asleep

Petridish · 25/06/2015 22:26

I have almost no sex life at all. At most, it is three times a year.

I would have sex three times a week, if I could, but my dh has a very low sex drive and some physical
problems that make sex painful for him.

It will probably never get better and I will have to put up with it but it does get me down.

We've been married 15 years and have one child.

taiah78nina · 25/06/2015 22:37

No contraceptives, no anti-depressants, only see my dp on a weekend but make the most of it ... unless I haven't had much chocolate. For some reason, no chocolate = no libido. Having had it happen twice, once I intentionally gave up chocolate for two weeks, the other time I unintentionally didn't eat chocolate for two weeks, both times I ended up physically revolted at the thought of doing anything, mentally I wanted to want to do something, but couldn't get to the point of wanting to do, if that makes sense. I have now sworn off giving up chocolate because I love the sex. Kills the diet, but not the libido

Original poster

IUseAnyName · 25/06/2015 22:42

I stopped bf a couple months ago and have already noticed a big lift iny libido :)
Im on cerazzete and wonder if it would increase even more if I came off it. But dont know a non hormonal alternative besides condoms :/

OP posts:

Original poster

IUseAnyName · 25/06/2015 22:49

I think thats true goodbetter. It sounds like it on here.

OP posts:

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