To think DP should maybe find out a bit about babies, since we're having one in four months?

[hearthattack]

I don't want to paint him as a villain, or the stereotype 'useless' man. He's kind, thoughtful and conscientious. He's interested in my pregnancy, feels my bump all the time and asks how baby is. I'm sure he'll make a great Dad. But...

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) five months ago I bought a couple of basic books about pregnancy and becoming parents. DP hasn't picked them up once. He sometimes asks questions or makes statements that make me wince with his lack of basic knowledge. eg 'He doesn't have ears yet does he?' in response to me saying baby I thought baby had jumped at a loud noise. 'Can't we just pop them in a backpack with their head sticking out?' when I was looking at slings on line.

Last night in bed, after one of these questions, I got really cross, shook his arms off me and told him he needs to do some bloody reading and find out some stuff for himself. He instantly looked hurt and I thought I might have been bit harsh. I said that I didn't want to be the person 'in the know' so he can defer to me all the time because it's not fair that I should have to carry the burden of worrying about things like is their head position right, are they too hot/cold, how do I recognise signs of illness etc entirely on my own.

His response to this was to say I could ask the midwife.

I in no way think you can learn how to be a parent from a book (the whole industry around 'professional parenting' kind of bugs me too). I get that we will have to just make some stuff up as we go along and figure it out as best we can. DPs attitude, in other areas of life, is something I admire about him and has stood him well in the past; he's capable and successful and balances my tendency to over think. I'd just like him to show willing and give me a bit of moral support.

Am I being unreasonable to have lost patience with his laid back approach to impending parenthood? Am I right to be finally putting my foot down and telling him he needs to step it up? Or am I being a naggy old bitch and a worry guts?

What worked for me was from the very beginning I handed bathing responsibilities to him and then walked away and left them to it.

He was terrified of the baby. I pushed them together via the bathing and it worked. Extra special bonus re bathing is the baby & father can get that all important skin to skin contact. It made them very close very quickly.

I do agree that dp shouldn't be deferring to you as person "in the know" and that some basic knowledge would be good.

Asking midwife, health visitor or people who have children who you trust is not a bad idea though. It doesn't have to come from books and ultimately hands on will be the best way to learn. The bit about the back pack is just contrary to all sense and may (hopefully) have been a joke.

I was so glad to read the bit about disliking the "professional parenting" industry as I also strongly feel this way. Most ordinary parents don't need a parenting course or to read a lot of books to look after their children.

Forget baby care. How well does he look after the house and after you right now? How well does he look after himself?

The really annoying thing about a gormless man is the amount of headspace his partner is forced to use up just keeping things ticking over in the home on a daily basis. If your H is pleasantly surprised by dinner every day, and if clean laundry appears by magic in his drawers every so often, and carpets are hoovered and the bathroom wiped down and he thinks the elves do it, then watch out.

When you are dazed by lack of sleep initiative in your partner is going to look like a gift from the gods. You will not feel that your brain is addled by the effort required to stay awake and deal with every single detail of another adult's life if that adult can sort out details himself, for you both.