To think DP should maybe find out a bit about babies, since we're having one in four months?

[hearthattack]

I don't want to paint him as a villain, or the stereotype 'useless' man. He's kind, thoughtful and conscientious. He's interested in my pregnancy, feels my bump all the time and asks how baby is. I'm sure he'll make a great Dad. But...

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) five months ago I bought a couple of basic books about pregnancy and becoming parents. DP hasn't picked them up once. He sometimes asks questions or makes statements that make me wince with his lack of basic knowledge. eg 'He doesn't have ears yet does he?' in response to me saying baby I thought baby had jumped at a loud noise. 'Can't we just pop them in a backpack with their head sticking out?' when I was looking at slings on line.

Last night in bed, after one of these questions, I got really cross, shook his arms off me and told him he needs to do some bloody reading and find out some stuff for himself. He instantly looked hurt and I thought I might have been bit harsh. I said that I didn't want to be the person 'in the know' so he can defer to me all the time because it's not fair that I should have to carry the burden of worrying about things like is their head position right, are they too hot/cold, how do I recognise signs of illness etc entirely on my own.

His response to this was to say I could ask the midwife.

I in no way think you can learn how to be a parent from a book (the whole industry around 'professional parenting' kind of bugs me too). I get that we will have to just make some stuff up as we go along and figure it out as best we can. DPs attitude, in other areas of life, is something I admire about him and has stood him well in the past; he's capable and successful and balances my tendency to over think. I'd just like him to show willing and give me a bit of moral support.

Am I being unreasonable to have lost patience with his laid back approach to impending parenthood? Am I right to be finally putting my foot down and telling him he needs to step it up? Or am I being a naggy old bitch and a worry guts?

It seems like people are getting sidetracked by the issue of whether or not books are useful. I think this is more about him making an effort to show he's interested in how the baby is developing and as a couple of pp have said, not leaving it to you as default to answer his questions or be the one who knows how to hold, comfort, change, feed etc.

Of course you will both learn all that on the job but it would irritate me too if DH wasn't doing what he could to prepare for it now, and was instead going to me every time he wanted to know something fairly basic about the baby. It does set up a situation where you do most things when it's born because 'you know best'.

I'd have a chat with him OP and just explain again that you want to do this as a partnership and would like him to be better prepared if possible. Reading the books together might be a nice way to discuss it all even if they do prove to be completely useless once the baby is here!

My DH was helpful and read a birth book under duress but still once DD came he deferred to me about nearly everything.
Especially funny are the 'What do you think she wants?' and 'Does she like this?'
I reply with totally useless things like 'Why don't you ask her?' And 'how the fuck should I know?!'
Good luck, I'm sure you'll both get into it once your LO is here.

I read every book going, they were all useless, so vague and at the same time scare mongering.

How we learnt in the past was by being part of extended families and helping with other peoples kids, something we don't do much anymore.

I think your real concern is that he is going to leave it all to you, and you are going to be left the person in charge.

I think DH will be a great dad,we are both going into this blind but I know we can do it. He was quite content learning how to fold up travel system and fit car seat when we were shopping for it and he's looking forward to carrying baby round in a carrier or sling.

But, the one thing I really would like him to read up on but I know he won't, is symptoms of pregnancy and birth. Any time I get a little twinge or heartburn or I just generally feel tired or uncomfortable he starts panicking and the question 'do you want me to take you to the hospital?' has been used frequently. The amount of times I've had to calm him down and explain how it's perfectly normal is ridiculous. I think he's starting to get it 27 weeks in.

I learned three things from parenting books: all babies are different, everithing is normal and if it is not ask your mw/gp.

I wrote a long msg & then my phone crashed In short YANBU, the books issue is a red herring. I had the same thing with my DP & it's about nipping in the bud any creeping assumptions about you being the 'default' parent...

Congrats on your pregnancy

I think you are being a little bit U. A lot of the parenting stuff you just pick up as you go along. Books can't prepare you for everything and some of the content may be irrelevant to your situation or your baby. For example, I read several chapters (in different books) about labour and the signs and stages of labour. But my baby was breech so I ended up having a planned CS. So all the stuff about labour was irrelevant. I also read several chapters about babies who have special needs (DS, Autism etc.) and worried myself shitless. I hadn't even considered that possibility until I got to those chapters. Too much knowledge isn't always a good thing!

I'd be more concerned about how interested and willing your DH is after the baby arrives.

Thank you! Those of you that have touched on the fact that it's not really about the books - you're dead right.

What I am mildly concerned about is that all things baby will be things that I am expected to be an expert in while it's ok for him to know naff all and defer me every time something needs doing.

I have a large extended family with five nieces and nephews by two much older sisters. I first learned to hold a newborn and change a nappy when I was 12. That probably makes it worse; maybe I've already cultivated his idea that baby things are 'my area'.

I don't think for a moment that my experience with other people's babies means I will find it easy. It's the emotional stuff, the fact that the buck stops with us and the constant uncertainty that I expect I will struggle with the most. This is the stuff he'll probably be best at, as he generally takes everything in his stride and is incredibly calm and consistent (good thing really, with the mental and moany partner he has at the mo!)

it's about nipping in the bud any creeping assumptions about you being the 'default' parent...

Bang on the moneyPerpetualStudent. Any tips on how I do this without being a cow about it?

'Why don't you ask her?' And 'how the fuck should I know?!' There's always that!

Mums usually are the default parent though in RL arnt they.

I have to say I detest blokes that read up on pregnancy andvse smugly knowledgable. Why on earth would you care a scrap when in your pregnancy your baby has ears? As long as he's got them when he's born.

The trouble with the books( and know your post wasn't all about the books) they are written purely for the author to cash in and unfortunately parents may read them but your baby doesn't.

Neither of you know jack until baby comes anyway and by the second one neither of you will he bothered who does or knows what as you will both have settled into roles.

Chill enjoy yourselves and each other.

" 'Can't we just pop them in a backpack with their head sticking out?' when I was looking at slings on line. "

I assume that was a joke?

I also didn't know anything about the developing foetus & can see why it would be annoying to keep being asked.

If he wants to know he can find out.

I see how that might easily need to "how do I change a nappy, put a vest on..."

So I think that in that respect YANBU.

Mums are very often the default parent, yes.

I bfed mine, but when PFB first came hom & we were both at home, feeding was the only thing that I could do that my husband couldn't.

And if I could hav bothred to express, he'd have been able to fed the baby as well!

Oh good grief! Did that make any sense at all?

my dh has managed to be a perfectly acceptable parent across 18 years and 3 dcs without ever having picked up a book about pregnancy. HTH.

Yes it did!

I'm not entirely sure the back pack thing was a joke. This is a (wonderful) man who will make a pannier rack out of old coat hangers (very useful) and hang new curtains with paper clips (not so much!) if it saves pennies and something going to waste.

I barely read anything apart from a few magazines and Dh certainly didn't , he's a fantastic dad.

hearthattack I get you! I would sit down and tell him why you got annoyed and that you would like to learn about stuff together. If you are doing classes that might help?

I have an app and send DH a picture each week of the new fruit it's being compared to size wise! And tell him anything I think is interesting - like this week it can hear me, this is the week it might start kicking, etc etc, so he has an idea of what's going on. That seems to get him interested in researching stuff himself too.

I think you're getting treated a bit harshly here!

In terms of specific knowledge, I think it's really important that your DH gets clued up about childbirth and the various decisions you might need to make -- if he's your birthing partner, he should be able to support you there, and not just be in a mad confused panic, unable to help you make informed choices.

I don't think knowing every stage of prenatal development is necessary, but he should at least be familiar with the signs of any complications. You're already bearing the physical burden; it seems fair for him to share the psychological sense of responsibility, too, which includes staying informed about things like keeping an eye on movement, when to contact your midwife, etc.

Have you been shopping for stuff yet? I think you could broach the topic of your expectations that way. We've spent a long time looking at pushchairs, and my husband pushes them around, collapses them down and does all the other little bits that I do. The message is that we will both be using it. You can do the same thing with smaller purchases. So, if you're buying a changing mat, ask him if he'd like the option to change the baby downstairs as well as upstairs. Don't let him defer to you. Make it clear that his opinion is just as important, because he will be just as involved.

You also have to be quite careful, I think, to not subconsciously make the decisions unilaterally, especially because you have lots of experience with children. Ask his opinion, and then really listen to it.

And YES to nipping in the bud that bullshit about you being the perpetual default parent and instinctive source of all wisdom!

DH once explained to me, in all seriousness, that it was my motherly instinct which meant I was the one who could fold up the pram. It wasn't because, say, I'd watched a Youtube tutorial and he hadn't bothered. Do not stand for this!

I think YAB a little U...

I don't think the reality really hits home for some men until the baby is literally laying there in front of them. Then they suddenly realise "Shit, this is real now, I'd better get a clue!". I know my DH well enough by now to know that this is exactly what he'll be like.

My DH is the same as yours, sweet, supportive, kind and loving...but he's never even held a baby. I'm really keeping the pressure off him; he'll be freaking out enough when Junior arrives in just over a month! Let it happen then. I'm sure he'll step up to the mark when it matters.

FWIW I don't really know anything about babies either. I'm not naturally maternal and I don't think it comes easily to all women. Most people I know who have children say that 99% of it is really just common sense. I personally can't think of anything more tedious than reading about babies, as well as worrying about the baby and thinking about the baby all the time as well! I need some headspace for other things at the moment!

Thanks LadylikeCough, It's that kind of stuff exactly. I'd really like him to share some of the mental burden. Maybe I'm being naive in expecting to be anything other than the default parent, but I can but try, right?

And Titus you've got a real point there. There's loads of stuff we have made decisions on together (what pushchair/bed/car seat to buy etc) but I think I've already made loads of little decisions on his behalf. I think women can sometimes be partly responsible for the default parent thing too. I can see myself doing it already.

Are you planning to do antenatal or NCT classes together OP? I wonder if that might appeal to your dp more than reading books? Our eldest is 11 and dh has never read a single page of a parenting book to my knowledge. But he found NCT useful and was very proud of himself when he was able to suggest to the mw that I might be in transition. He's just not really a reader for info - he never reads instruction manuals or guide books either - but he's hands on and diligent which is more important I think.

He was super supportive when our dcs were babies (I struggled with bfing to start with and he was totally brilliant) and is a great dad to them now they are older too.

I do understand where you are coming from. I think if you bf and are on maternity leave it's inevitable that you will take the lead to some extent - you put so many more hours in for a start! One thing that really helped us was we decided bath time would be just for dh to do (where possible of course) I kept totally out of it. After a while I had to ask him what to do and of course it was a lovely time for him and the baby when he got home from work. and I enjoyed the peace too tbh

Have you tried a sort of non-accusatory script like "When you ask questions like that it makes me worry that you will see me as the fount of all baby knowledge and have to run every decision by me. I don't know what I'm doing either! And I really want you to have the confidence to assess situations and deal with them yourself rather than having to defer to me!"

Maybe you could Google "maternal gatekeeping" and send him an article on it, saying that you don't want to fall into this trap. If you make it more about you than about him, he will probably be less defensive.

I think you were a bit harsh with him, but forgivably so

The thing is also to hand over when you can & try not to step in if they aren't doing something your way or are making a pig's ear of something because they've not done it as often as you.

One of the most useful things my dh ever did for me when we had our first baby was pry the baby books from my hands (as I sat sobbing because he wasn't in a good routine yet) and bin them.

If you are reading 101 things about how babies develop/ how to look after a baby, he needs to adopt a relaxed attitude. This will help when the baby is born and turns out not to be the 'right' sort of baby (ie one that's read the right baby books and modified its behaviour accordingly).

BarbarianMum I am categorically NOT reading those books, as you'll see if you read my posts, but thanks for making a heap of assumptions about what kind of mother I'll be.

I am googling Maternal Gatekeeping. That's soooo helpfu, thanks Dani240. And I think approaching it from that angle would deffo help DP feel less defensive. And me be less harsh.