To think DP should maybe find out a bit about babies, since we're having one in four months?

[hearthattack]

I don't want to paint him as a villain, or the stereotype 'useless' man. He's kind, thoughtful and conscientious. He's interested in my pregnancy, feels my bump all the time and asks how baby is. I'm sure he'll make a great Dad. But...

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) five months ago I bought a couple of basic books about pregnancy and becoming parents. DP hasn't picked them up once. He sometimes asks questions or makes statements that make me wince with his lack of basic knowledge. eg 'He doesn't have ears yet does he?' in response to me saying baby I thought baby had jumped at a loud noise. 'Can't we just pop them in a backpack with their head sticking out?' when I was looking at slings on line.

Last night in bed, after one of these questions, I got really cross, shook his arms off me and told him he needs to do some bloody reading and find out some stuff for himself. He instantly looked hurt and I thought I might have been bit harsh. I said that I didn't want to be the person 'in the know' so he can defer to me all the time because it's not fair that I should have to carry the burden of worrying about things like is their head position right, are they too hot/cold, how do I recognise signs of illness etc entirely on my own.

His response to this was to say I could ask the midwife.

I in no way think you can learn how to be a parent from a book (the whole industry around 'professional parenting' kind of bugs me too). I get that we will have to just make some stuff up as we go along and figure it out as best we can. DPs attitude, in other areas of life, is something I admire about him and has stood him well in the past; he's capable and successful and balances my tendency to over think. I'd just like him to show willing and give me a bit of moral support.

Am I being unreasonable to have lost patience with his laid back approach to impending parenthood? Am I right to be finally putting my foot down and telling him he needs to step it up? Or am I being a naggy old bitch and a worry guts?

I'd work out what you want from him and ask for that. So on my list (but ymmv) it would be:

• understanding anything that I really didn't want to happen during birth, so he could advocate for me if I was out of it with pain
• learning enough about breastfeeding to tell me if I had a good latch (can be hard to tell from above)
• being able to insert baby in car seat / buggy / sling without my help
• knowing some baby first aid
• knowing where to seek help in the middle of the night if necessary

Chillax op. I dont think anyone is making assumptions about the kind of mum you are going to be.

Perhaps not. It seems like for some reading any books about pregnancy is synonymous for being deluded though. Surely there's a middle ground?

I've found loads of comments really helpful. And I had always assumed, without really thinking about it, that breastfeeding was the one thing he DP couldn't help with.

Of course there's a middle ground, and some people find books helpful without assuming that the baby is going to do everything it says in them like some posters have insinuated . I didn't read any because we did NCT classes and I tend to use online resources.

Pregnancy and parenthood is a shared thing, but your approach seems parallel (here I these books we each will read on our own), it sounds like you are doing your thing and expecting him to keep up. Being the pregnant one, you can't help but forge ahead. For whatever reason, he doesnt want to forge his own path. He asks you questions, and you shut him down instead of conversing. I understand not wanting to be the expert, but you are going to need to talk your way into the cooperative situation you want. You cant avoid the role of expert by refusing the share what you do know. If you wont talk about it withhim, he has no reason to think you need him to know. He thinks he can just leave you to it.

for the week by week book create a joint study habit. Beginning of the week, read it at the breakfast or dinner table. Pass it back and forth and talk about it.

Re: the childbirth book , he may be more interested when you get to the antenatal class. Or maybe not. But there is nothing wrong with initiating discussion and then handing him the open book/sending him the link related to the specific topic. Or responding to his questions by pointing to the books. Or responding by challenging him to research it. "i dont know if they have actual ears yet: look it up for us, won't you?"

What I forgot to say in my post was that unlike my dh I read loads when I was pg. (Unlike him I'm also a reader of manuals and guide books ) The vast majority of it was pretty useless once the baby was born and some of it was downright unhelpful. Things got much better once I put the books away and learned to trust my own instincts.

Noone is having a go at you that I can see, honestly - or making judgements about your parenting style. It's hard to explain but I suppose parenting is a very practical skill. And a lot of the time there is no right answer. Unless you are really lucky, your baby will cry and you won't know why sometimes or particularly be able to fix it. But that's OK.

My dh still asks me basic questions to do with babies and we are expecting no4, I also remember the midwife after dc1 saying " I love getting dad to put on the first nappy and outfit, there all fingers and thumbs, it's very funny watching" :)

I've found loads of comments really helpful. And I had always assumed, without really thinking about it, that breastfeeding was the one thing he DP couldn't help with.

My husband was HUGELY helpful when it came to breastfeeding - I asked him to come to the class about it because I was worried about it being something that I had to deal with on my own, and he remembered much more than I did and was brilliant at helping me with positioning, sterilising things when I was expressing and keeping track of how long our son was feeding for in the early days when he wasn't gaining weight quickly enough.

I also think that thinking of him as 'helping with' things is probably the problem if you are already assuming that you will be the one 'doing things' and he will be relegated to 'helping'. You will both be in it together, but it is realistic to assume that you will both have individual strengths which complement each other.

You say that you are concerned about the emotional side of things, but there's not really a way to prepare for that - I think it hits most people like a ton of bricks and you just have to try to remember that you don't have to raise a fully functioning adult in the first few weeks and keeping them clean and fed is about as much as anyone can expect from either of you until you've found your feet a bit more.

Also, if you aren't due for another 4 months then there is LOADS of time to learn about the things you both need to know. If you've got ante-natal classes booked, then you will pick up loads from those, and at least get an idea of the questions you might have once the baby arrives. Good luck...

I felt a bit like this - we wanted to be proper co-parents - I didn't want to be in the role of answering his questions or being the conduit for information about something that was actually new to both of us. DP did not want to be the sort of "clueless clown" that dads are sometimes portrayed as in the media, so this argument made sense to him.

I'm still more of a book-reader than him, at least when it comes to parenting stuff, but if there's something I particularly want him to look at so we can discuss, I have two strategies to share:
(1) hand book to him as he goes on a train journey
(2) leave book, perhaps with strategic post-it bookmark, in the toilet

I'm coming to the thread late but what I did want to say is that the pregnancy and childbirth books, IMO, he can give a miss - but it wouldn't be bad for him (and you) to have a look at some books on child and baby care. Sleep is probably the most important in the first year: if you crack that, the rest is easy. My recs are Marc Weissbluth if you want to go hardcore sleep training, Elizabeth Pantley if you want to be nice, and the Millpond Clinic's Teach Your Child to Sleep in either case. Next up is weaning, maybe get a book about baby led weaning if you want your kitchen to look like a bomb site at all times and then TBH that's about it until they hit later toddlerhood with tantrums and potty training and all of that.

I don't think you're BU asking your other half to get interested but I do think the thing is to prepare for the actual child rearing. I know a lot of people on here say use your instincts but I don't have any! Also, you want your DH to learn a bit about properly functioning babies on his own so you don't end up being the bearer of bad news the whole time about what to expect from a small baby.

Disagree about sleep techniques - you are either lucky and have a baby who sleeps or you don't . Not a lot you do/read makes much difference ime but people like to kid themselves what they did helped. Older children are different.

I agree that books aren't that helpful but I think you have a point when you say why should carry the burden of worrying about head position, temperature etc.

I think you are being a bit tough on him. My husband changes his first ever nappy the day after our babies were born. He had never fed a baby or read any books. He is the best dad ever, he helps me so much and does everything he needs to do for them. Just wait, he'll be fine.

I'd never even held a baby, never mind changed a nappy or fed one, I didn't read any books either. I managed and so will your dh, babies aren't very difficult.

I didn't read any books, neither did dp.

Dd is thriving at 20mo and we have made it up as we go along. She is a happy well looked after child despite our lack of reading baby books.

If it cries try feeding it, changing its bum, burping it or get it to sleep. That's it. Oh and go or 111 if they are sick and you don't know what to do.

That should get you through until you learn what to do.

I should write a book!

Gp not go

I'd use this as an opportunity to appreciate that there will be lots of ways in which your parenting styles will differ in the coming months and years - and that's ok. It may be tempting to get upset when he doesn't do something your way (whether it's preparing for parenthood or actually being a parent later on) but if you do you're very likely to discourage him and make him even more likely to defer to you so he doesn't get in trouble. Let him do it his own way.

I don't think (many) men are fascinated by pregnancy the way women are . Or are that 'in' to small babies . My DH used to ask me if the baby would have read the numerous books I waded through when pregnant ( she hadn't).I actually think they can be misleading- I really thought you fed babies, changed them and as they got bigger you played with them (a bit )and they then slept for 3 or 4 hours (during which you got on with eveything else). I was obviously reading the wrong books. DH reluctantly came to NCT classes but found them a bit 'woo' ..Friend made there (30 years ago) told me ages after that the rest of class were a bit worried as to how DH woud cope, but were reassured when we attended the post natal get- together (six weeks) and he sat there dandling DD1 on the end of his knee and singing 'their' song to her. He was and remains besotted with both our girls and has been a great dad - he enjoyed it more as they got older and more verbal . While I agree re not being the resident expert (and try not to insist things are done 'your' way)you will muddle through together, as we all do. Enjoy the adventure .And remember 'good enough is good enough '. As far as your child is concerned, you are the experts .

YABU. I had no idea how to change a nappy / bath a baby etc until after my baby was born. It's simple stuff that you will either be shown at the hospital, by a midwife, or can look up on youtube in 2 mins flat once the baby is here.

He is already showing he is interested by asking questions.

My husband didn't read anything and childcare. We did look at the weekly pregnancy ap. He loved the pictures if the developing featus. He didn't read the hypno birthing book until I totally flipped out - but then said that the techniques we had learnt were the only thing that kept him sane and calm when my labour went pear shaped. So I'm pleased I insisted that e both read and practised.

Now he does exactly what you say- defers to me on everything. Which is infuriating. He's hands on, and loving, but wants to be told what to do. Precisely. Every time. He changes nappys, but only if I tell him what to use. He dresses him. If I tell him to. Etc etc. And I wish he'd just see it needs doing and then do it.
Get him to read the books. Ask him his opinion about feeding and weaning and sleeping etc. Plan how you'll approach it, there are so many philosophies.
That said he is a brilliant winder. Burps come up super easily if he does it.

I wouldn't worry. Mine didn't read anything during the pregnancy, he was interested in the pregnancy, but not particularly prepared or bothered about what would happen after.

What did happen was that I was in a bad way for a few days after the birth and so was the baby, in SCBU, and he had to look after the baby in SCBU while I recovered in the ward and couldn't be moved down to SCBU apart from a couple of really quick visits.

So he learned on the job! They handed him a screaming angry newborn with a very sore head and he got on with it.

When I finally got my son with me he was 4 days old and I hadn't even changed a nappy. Did it wrong the first time, got it backwards and he did a little smirk at the midwife when she pointed it out as if to say "It wouldn't have happened if I was looking after him"

Smug prick.

I don't think I read much about it before DS was born thirty years ago - but then neither did DW!

But from the moment he was born I enjoyed looking after him. He was ff and I found the whole process of turning a damp hungry squealer into a warm, dry, contented sleeper joyful - there is no other word for it. I jsut hope you have the same experience with your OH.

Incidentally if either of you has a brother with no children yet make him learn to do the basics. You can turn him into a ready-to-use father as we did with DW's younger brothers

I purposely didn't read any books as I didn't really want to know bar the things we needed to purchase. It was quite cute when DS arrived as we were both clueless and basically learnt on the job.

This is very normal I think. I'm sure he will do great with the baby.

This guy will make an awesome dad! Said with not a shred of sarcasm.

Remember that he isn't pregnant. It can be hard for some men to really understand the implications until baby arrives.

He'll be fine, honestly.