To think DP should maybe find out a bit about babies, since we're having one in four months?

[hearthattack]

I don't want to paint him as a villain, or the stereotype 'useless' man. He's kind, thoughtful and conscientious. He's interested in my pregnancy, feels my bump all the time and asks how baby is. I'm sure he'll make a great Dad. But...

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) five months ago I bought a couple of basic books about pregnancy and becoming parents. DP hasn't picked them up once. He sometimes asks questions or makes statements that make me wince with his lack of basic knowledge. eg 'He doesn't have ears yet does he?' in response to me saying baby I thought baby had jumped at a loud noise. 'Can't we just pop them in a backpack with their head sticking out?' when I was looking at slings on line.

Last night in bed, after one of these questions, I got really cross, shook his arms off me and told him he needs to do some bloody reading and find out some stuff for himself. He instantly looked hurt and I thought I might have been bit harsh. I said that I didn't want to be the person 'in the know' so he can defer to me all the time because it's not fair that I should have to carry the burden of worrying about things like is their head position right, are they too hot/cold, how do I recognise signs of illness etc entirely on my own.

His response to this was to say I could ask the midwife.

I in no way think you can learn how to be a parent from a book (the whole industry around 'professional parenting' kind of bugs me too). I get that we will have to just make some stuff up as we go along and figure it out as best we can. DPs attitude, in other areas of life, is something I admire about him and has stood him well in the past; he's capable and successful and balances my tendency to over think. I'd just like him to show willing and give me a bit of moral support.

Am I being unreasonable to have lost patience with his laid back approach to impending parenthood? Am I right to be finally putting my foot down and telling him he needs to step it up? Or am I being a naggy old bitch and a worry guts?

I was in the exact same position as you and thought exactly the same as you. But now I can say YABU (And so was I)

My first child is now 6 months old. I must say that during my pregnancy, I had a hard time thinking it was all real until the very end, and I was the one carrying. To him, nothing was different for him except having a moany, fat, tired partner who he couldn't relate to. I read all the books, he bought Commando Dad, but never read it. (And still hasn't)

He had no idea about the babies development, didn't want to talk to my belly or feel my belly, knew nothing about labour and I have him a LOT of shit about it.

But when the time came, and I had a very traumatic birth, he was the ONLY person to support me the way I needed, He was a true star when I had to be in hospital for a week after my birth, and had been an amazing daddy every since the day our daughter way born.

A lot of ladies don't read the books because they feel it will come natural to them, and I guess some dad's are the same. It all came to him very easily, I have to admit, more easy with me.

I'd say cut him some slack :)

more easy than me*

Your second comment is slightly different OP. Pregnancy/birth and looking after a baby are different topics entirely. The pregnancy/birth is mainly happening to you so of course you're going to read up on that more, and you should be making decisions about birth. Babies are a different matter that you're both equally unprepared for

Fair play OP. Remember that you can google pretty much anything you need to know these days. And things like pain relief and the stages of labour will also be covered if you do antenatal or NCT classes. Our NCT course included some information on breastfeeding and basic baby care too.

I remember reading all the books, my husband read nothing! I kept on suggesting stuff but he just was not interested in reading about it. In my hormonal, vomitty state I thought he was not interested. The truth was, he is a man who has never read an owners instruction manual or felt the need to do the set reading for anything. However, he is a very instinctive and brilliant father, and seemed to know exactly what to do.

Don't worry!

I would like to point out though, that I bought TWO books. One week by week pregnancy thing, and more recently one about child birth. I'm not stupid enough to think I can read a book and suddenly become a know-it-all parent (god forbid).

If books are for you read them.

I had the day by day pregnancy book (can't remember the name of it, a massive hardback)

And week by week baby book for when she was born. I found it very very helpful, I did read it every week and it did really help. Especially tips for playing and stimulation in the weeks where your baby isn't very reactive to you!

Sideways slant here...
Download a 'my pregnancy' app onto your or his phone.
He can see each week how bump,is growing.
You can learn together.

DH read nothing in advance. He just attended most of the ante-natal classes and was informed as to what his role at the birth would be. If he had a question, he asked me, and that was fine.

Once DD arrived he was very hands on. It's just how he rolls.

This is why I took my DH to an antenatal class. He had no idea and learnt so much from those classes. Also about the delivery and what his role was supposed to be during it.

Having said all that, he is not great with newborns. He loved our DD from the moment she was born, but in practical terms of taking care of her he was just a bit shit. Now that DD is 2 he is much more involved. We'll see how things go when Nr2 arrives in a couple of months.

It sounds to me like you're more concerned about the long-term outlook. Will he defer to you on everything when the baby arrives? Is this going to be "your area"? It isn't so much the reading, but the general kind of detachment in his attitude. The problem is, you can't know if that attitude is representative of how he'll be when the baby arrives until...well, the baby arrives!

I'm pregnant and my husband is pretty interested, but he's not reading daily updates on apps like I do. He did buy a couple of books aimed at men, though. They've gone largely untouched, but last night he picked one up, looked over at me and said, "You're four months, right? I've got a chapter a month to read. Don't want you to think I'm not trying!" Maybe you could buy a book aimed at men, give it to him and explain how you're feeling.

Neither DH or I have ever read a single baby book. The kids seem to be doing ok regardless.

We did do the Red Cross course in children's first aid though, just in case.

Reading books does not help when the baby arrives! You definitely learn on the job. My other half didn't read anything but he patiently listened while I talked about baby development or whatever such crap I had read. When the baby arrived he was very hands on and we were both clueless! But we learned. As others have said the only valuable things to read beforehand are things about first aid really. Everything else is bollocks.

I bought DH the expectant dads survival guide and he's browsed through it. I also have the pregnancy+ app and I read him the weekly bit and show him the pic.
I've been around babies for years so looking after one doesn't bother me. He watched my brother change my nephews nappy last week - first time he's ever seen it! He wouldn't know where to start with making up a bottle or bathing a baby. He's coming to antenatal classes and the other stuff I'll teach him. He won't get to be hands off though.
I think that in general most women are around babies more. That said my BF asked a nurse in hospital to show them how to bath the baby as neither of them knew!

To be honest, the first time I was pregnant, neither of us had a clue. What do babies do all day? asks DH. No idea I says... We were both in our early thirties and had no idea - never been around them.
You DO learn as you go. There is absolutely no harm in reading up, but for the most part both of us were clueless. I came to mumsnet for advice on pregnancy and everything that followed. I had books too though :)
As other posters state, you learn on the job. Its when baby arrives he will need to step up. What do they do all day? Actually not a lot. But that not a lot is exhausting. I thought nappies were going to be my downfall, when actually nappies were fine. You can fix a wet/dirty nappy. Dealing with all the feeding/sleeping stuff was trickier! and that's not something you can address until you meet your baby.

To be fair though I don't think OP's issue was really with the books... more the kind of unspoken assumption creeping in that it's something he doesn't really know about but she does. 'He doesn't have ears yet does he ??- ie you tell me, does he have ears?

Maybe reading too much into it lol. But - I have seen this A LOT. The baby is the one thing it's very much ok to be clueless about, hee hee! Oooh I don't know, ask the wife. Does he need changing? How would I know love, you always do it.

Nip all that in the bud for a happy home life I say.

Yeah you were too hard on him, poor bloke. He's obviously interested by asking questions, feeling your bump etc :-) He sounds a good like a good un. My DP was the same.. I'd only be a bit hurt if he didn't take any interest whatsoever. But you have the excuse of pregnancy hormones

When ds was first born (I mean absolutely fresh from the womb!) the mw cleaned him up and did the weighing etc then handed him to dp and told him to get him dressed. Afterwards dp said to me "they just left me with him!... Alone!...I had to dress him by myself....In his clothes!". Genuine horror at being left with him! No book would have prepared him. He's a fantastic dad now.

I think your underlying concern - which isn't really about reading pregnancy and baby books - is a fair one. My husband is a full co-parent with every bit as much (or as little) expertise as me since the moment our son was born, but I see far too often on Mn the 'mothers are baby experts and the real parent' line, while fathers 'help out' or even 'babysit' their own children, with lots of joky protestations about inability to see dirt, produce balanced child meals roughly on time, soothe a fractious baby etc etc.

No, absolutely, you want your husband to be as hands-on, responsible and responsible as he clearly is in his professional field, no doing joky deferrals about how you're the expert simply because you're carrying the baby - but the time for that to happen is really after the baby is born. If you're BF, that's the only bit that's entirely down to you, anything else is you both figuring it out together.

Neither of us read any books prior to me giving birth. And babies do not follow the books either!

However I do understand your worries, you should be a team when your baby is born. You DH can't just look to you for everything. You will both be learning on the job. You will have to get on with it, and so will he.

YWDBU - Going mad because he hasn't read a book that you wanted him to

Well... Neither DH nor I read a single book and managed fine! Also have no idea at what point the ears developed (currently 38 weeks with DC2).
I can understand it's annoying that you're the one who's expected to know everything though, as though you are 'default parent', so YANBU on that score.

I agree with the pp, it's not so much about the books and more about the attitude that you can always defer to the mother if in doubt. With a new baby, neither of you has a clue what you're doing!

My DH has been pretty good but when we've come across various baby-related dilemmas and he's asked me what we're going to do and I have to remind him that I know just as much as him i.e. nothing! And that he can research stuff just like I have to.

It is irritating but my DH does do it when reminded. I don't want to be the default parent, what would happen if I wasn't here to ask?

Will he not be attending antenatal classes with you? Do they not cover the basics of looking after a baby?

I think you're being a bit harsh tbh. I've got four dcs who are happy and healthy and I've never read a parenting book.

I also couldn't tell you when the foetus develops their ears. You don't need to know when the ears, hands, fingers, eyelashes etc develop during pregnancy to be a good parent or an interested partner.

For my dh the dcs didn't become real until they were born. He couldn't feel them kicking, moving, feel their hiccups etc like I could.

In the nicest possible way you need to chill out. If you're fed up of answering questions then tell him to look it up himself. No matter how much tour dp reads before the baby arrives there will be a fair amount of time he will defer to you when the baby is first born , your baby already has a bond with you before birth and you will be responsible for feeding them (if you bf) for the first few months.

You could always sign up to antenatal classes if you're really worried he won't be ready when the baby arrives.

DP has never read a book on pregnancy, babies or parenting. I doubt he's ever MNetted for advice. The only time I know he's looked online for something is when our then 7mo rolled face first off the bed on my very first KIT day back at work

I do get what you're saying about being the default parent on some things. It can be annoying. But reading books beforehand doesn't really prepare you (though I read bloody loads) and you do pretty much just learn as you go along.

YABU (a bit) to expect that he is going to learn about parenting the babies the same way that you are learning now.

The only thing I put my foot down on was about the birth. He was reluctant about attending NCT classes with me. That was the one thing we had a serious chat about - that I needed him to understand about birth and all the interventions, in case anything happened and he was the one who needed to step up. Which he understood when we managed to have a calm discussion about it, not just me huffing and whingeing which, pregnant and sick, I tended to do...