To write to a death row inmate?

[FanfeckintasticFitbit]

This is something that's crossed my mind a bit in the past. I'm really interested in the lives of others and love books and documentaries about life behind bars.

I have a really happy and fulfilled life with DC and DP so it's not out of loneliness, I love to write but it's been years since I've written actual letters as everybody is online now.

Has anyone else ever written to someone in prison?

I've "chosen" a prisoner (because there are certain criminals I could absolutely not communicate with, child abusers etc) and have written a letter but I'd first like to get some experiences from anyone who has done similar?

LadylikeCough I'm not minimizing robberies or gangs anywhere I just stated that they are crimes to me that are more excusable than child abuse, rape and premeditated murder. That's just my opinion but I also clearly stated that I still think they're awful, so nowhere did I minimize these things at all.

Why would the reader feel contempt when they are actively looking for people to communicate with?

Apologies for not reading the whole thread, in case someone has already suggested this, but a really nice thing to do would be to write to a British guy called Kris Maharaj, who has been in a Florida prison for many years for a murder he didn't commit. (If you read Clive Stafford Smith's book about the case, there is no shadow of a doubt about this - he couldn't have done it, and Stafford Smith identifies the people who did do it, and the motive.)

More about the case, and the address to write to, here:

www.reprieve.org.uk/case-study/krishna-maharaj/

FanfeckintasticFitbit:

do you think these guys would be soliciting for your letters if they weren't incarcerated?

do you think you'd be writing to them if they weren't behind bars?

Given the socio-economic, cultural and personal differences between the average Mumsnetter and the average DR inhabitant thousands of miles in physical distance and several light years in life experience it's pretty safe to say you'd have absolutely nothing to do with this person if they weren't locked up. You wouldn't want your kids to go to school with them; you wouldn't want them on your street; you wouldn't write to them if they were in the prison in your city or had a release date.

Guys like this are putting themselves in a demeaning 'catalogue' for correspondence because they have no other options. I don't doubt for a second that, whatever gratitude they express, it's tempered by a underlying contempt for the oh-so-benevolent charity of someone who'd run away from them in real life. They're not stupid. They're desperate.

And that's not even mentioning the significant minority who'll be getting different kinds of satisfaction from the exchange: the chance to self-justify, manipulate, gain and abuse trust.

(And this is actually what's so horrifying about the idea of a troubled 15-year-old girl writing to them: I'm sure letters are screened for obscenity, threats and illegal requests, but I seriously doubt anyone has the time to analyse them for slow, cumulative manipulation.)

"(And this is actually what's so horrifying about the idea of a troubled 15-year-old girl writing to them: I'm sure letters are screened for obscenity, threats and illegal requests, but I seriously doubt anyone has the time to analyse them for slow, cumulative manipulation.)

Thank you, Lady - that's exactly what makes me very concerned about correspondence between a 15 year old and a gang killer, but you've articulated it with an eloquence I was struggling to find.

Obviously they're unlikely to ever meet, but that doesn't make this 'safe' - allowing a dangerous and mortally corrupt, desperate convict 'inside' the mind of a teenager who allegedly chose him because she found him attractive could be extremely psychologically damaging to her - hence the age restrictions and the need for formal and parental intervention where someone has been found to deliberately flout the eligibility criteria.

So you think it's only fair to write if I can say hand on heart that I would befriend them in a normal situation? In a normal situation they wouldn't require communication so desperately but as I said I do work with another charity and some of the people I would befriend in every day life and some I wouldn't. Such is life surely?

Do I think that they would be wishing to correspond with me if they weren't desperate? In most cases not, the same can be said for other organisations I've been involved in but I think you think you have me mistaken for someone who has romantic notions when I have stated quite a few times now that I have a very happy relationship and a very fulfilling life but I genuinely like to make a little difference here and there and while you may list a million causes more worthy, this one interests me. Much like other things I'm involved in.

I posted this last time. It makes me laugh a lot.

What is it about some British women and their attraction to making a little difference to the murderers on Death Row?

There are other better causes where the op could actually do some good and help wrongly incarcerated people be freed as I keep saying, letter writing for amnesty international springs to mind.
The thing with drama seekers is that writing to a DR inmate gives additional drama llama opportunities e.g the final letter, the vigil when they are put to death, perhaps even travelling to the U.S. For the vigil etc. all this appeals to the letter writers attention seeking needs. They don't do it to help people or they would choose a cause where they actually could help, they do it for attention seeking reasons, excitement etc so the drama of death row gives them that.

Heels99, I've stated numerous times now that I'm involved in other things already. Considered to be much more worthy causes, but that you for your suggestion of amnesty international.

So what? You are involved in 'other things' . Doesn't explain beyond nosiness and drama seeking your desire to get involved in DR. Seriously you need your head read.

Heels, I have explained my reasons beyond nosiness many times?

It's not even a case of befriending them in RL, FanfeckintasticFitbit. It's the fact that you would actively avoid them. DR inmates are rarely a case of one-off violence and single missteps -- wrong time, wrong place, if only he hadn't...

Most, if not all, have ruined one or more lives after an escalating and unchecked pattern of violence and amoral/criminal behaviour. I doubt you would countenance any associative threat to you or your own environment by dealing with them before they've committed the crime and been processed by the legal system. The risk of contacting someone volatile and violent who might one day turn up at your house would seem utterly crazy. You don't want these people in your life -- except entirely on your terms: distant, incarcerated, ostensibly grateful.

I know you've said you didn't want to seem like a martyr in your first post, but it really does suggest it's more about you than any kindness: I love books and documentaries about life behind bars I love to write I've "chosen" a criminal^. The kindness is a sort of justification or bonus for basic curiosity and an engaging hobby. The convicts are static but compelling objects, like tigers in the zoo or characters in a book. The disorder and chaos of their lives is something you can view and walk away from, like people on those old tours of Bedlam.

You have not properly considered or explained your own motives here.
Ladylikecough makes sense.
You are deluded op.

Some of what you say is true Lady but most of it is psychobabble

I think Lady makes perfect sense.

"desperate convict 'inside' the mind of a teenager who allegedly chose him because she found him attractive could be extremely psychologically damaging to her - hence the age restrictions and the need for formal and parental intervention where someone has been found to deliberately flout the eligibility criteria."

I repeat - what do you suggest I DO to stop her writing to this person?

I'd welcome your good ideas.

As for this person getting 'inside' my dd's mind, to be honest the people who have been inside my dd's mind and have done the most damage to her self esteem and her peace of mind are all around her at school, in the street and on social media. None of them death row convicts, all of them ordinary kids just like dd.

I've read his rather boring letter and the impression I get is of a not very bright young man who is worrying about his family and his future. DD will never meet him, and if I don't make a massive bloody deal out of this, dramatising it, laying down draconian rules, forbidding her from writing (which she would just ignore anyway) she'll probably get bored of it all in a few weeks and that will be the end of it. The last thing I want to do is glamorise the whole thing by suggesting that becoming his pen pal is a road to doom and destruction. Can't think of anything more likely to make dd want to engage with this person than the breast-beating adult angst and parental jack-booting that some people seem to think is the right response to the situation.

How about do what you feel you want to do once and if it turns out weird, don't do it again. You make your own decisions in life, I personally think it's a brave and interesting thing I would never think to do. Hope you haven't been scared off responding with your decision and follow up. Never mind the judgemental posters.... too much mould in their systems.

The saying 'you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas' also works the other way. Good people can, in all sorts of subtle ways, influence the value systems of others with whom they engage.

I think any initiative which encourages criminals to consider the feelings of other people is valuable. Prisoners are denied interaction in day to day life with non-criminal members of society (other than those people who are paid to police them and educate them). This is part of their punishment, but it's also part of what leads to them failing to make progress as moral beings.

Minifingers.... Maybe could do some stuff with her with holidays coming up. Fill her weekends up with away days, or just shopping or doing stuff together. The rest of time she's filling up with her friends then she might not have time for the letter writing.... but as you said, she'll prob get bored of it with no negative attention anyway. Didn't read all the posts cos some were quite infuriating but if not already, get involved and interested in the letters, at least then you can monitor them easily rather than having to distrust her.... she'd probably get bored quicker that way too!!!

Agree with the laying down with dogs.... I think the whole thing is quite selfless and brave. The person is going to be killed. On death row. Surrounded by death and people who don't care.

They are judged already.
It's incredibly humane to offer a ray of light to someone like that against everything you hold morally just in your regular day to day life.

Never mind the judgemental posters.... too much mould in their systems.

ODFOD. In what kind of drippy, hand-wringing world is it wrong to be judgemental about murderers and child abusers?

I think the whole thing is quite selfless and brave.

Your moral compass seriously needs recalibration.

Ha ha. Love it. So there's 'mould in your system' and you're 'judgemental and on your high horse' because you think it's morally wrong to write to prisoners on DR? And then we have a mother in here who can't parent her child effectively enough to stop her writing to a Crips gang member. Mini - unfortunately I can't tell you what I would do in your situation because I wouldn't be in it but to hazard a guess I would probably do that jack booting thing that you suggested earlier. You're not able to do that because you can't control her and therefore she gets away with murder ( no pun intended )

'Selfless and brave' are the people who work in community outreach centers in areas where gun violence is endemic; paramedics who drive ambulances into drug-dealing gang turf; guys who mentor young offenders who are not yet convicted to death; women who staff drug rehab clinics in the most deprived corners of Detroit; former gang members who return home and try to prevent others being recruited. These people are trying to do something before the worst happens.

Just below this in the scale of moral engagement are people who actively support the risk-takers: who donate money or indirectly assist them, or who lobby policy-makers to protect and develop resources that prevent crime and desperation.

On another scale entirely, the families of murder victims who can bear to face the murderers and even forgive them or protest the death sentence: selfless and brave beyond measure.

Writing to a DR inmate thousands of miles away, with little convincing motive beyond curiosity and a love of prison/crime stories, is a self-serving action that has nothing to do with being 'selfless and brave'. It's not brave when you're risking nothing; it's not selfless when you can say it's almost a parody you love to write letters, but you never do get the chance these days. The whole thing is just... ugh. Hypocritical, self-important, voyeuristic.

OP, are you religious?

Might seem a nosy, random question, but the concepts of forgiveness and redemption are an important tenets of many faiths, and it would not surprise or repel me to find out a religious friend/family member was writing to a DR inmate.

"Mini - unfortunately I can't tell you what I would do in your situation because I wouldn't be in It"

Your teenager has never done and will never do anything you are unhappy with? And they are completely compliant with your demands regardless of how strongly they feel about the issue?

Please direct ALL of us here to your parenting blog/classes/book as you have the answer to all of us here who are struggling with non-compliant teens.

(When you've finished preening about your marvellous parenting and have managed to winch yourself down from your high horse that is - no hurry... It'll be worth waiting for I'm sure)