To write to a death row inmate?

[FanfeckintasticFitbit]

This is something that's crossed my mind a bit in the past. I'm really interested in the lives of others and love books and documentaries about life behind bars.

I have a really happy and fulfilled life with DC and DP so it's not out of loneliness, I love to write but it's been years since I've written actual letters as everybody is online now.

Has anyone else ever written to someone in prison?

I've "chosen" a prisoner (because there are certain criminals I could absolutely not communicate with, child abusers etc) and have written a letter but I'd first like to get some experiences from anyone who has done similar?

How would you feel about someone in one of the professions you mentioned above, writing to DR inmates?

Self important and voyeuristic could actually describe a lot of worthy causes depending on your view of the world.

LadylikeCough, that's probably the best post I've ever read.

People speaking about normal compasses while name calling, abusing and insinuating mental illness is hypocritical. Not somebody who has an interest in something that they feel would benefit somebody else. Weather you agree with it or not, it's in no way hypocritical.

moral whether

Ladylikecough speaks sense.

OP, if you want to 'dip in' to experience some of the 'real life' around the crimes committed by criminals on death row why not write to the VICTIMS of the criminals - you know, the innocent ones who will live (or not) with this for the rest of their lives, forever affected and struggling to pick up the pieces?

Christ, why would you? There are thousands of other people -who aren't murderers or rapists -that you could write to. Blameless people. nice people. Lonely people. I'd start there instead of DR inmates.

She's a normal teenage girl mini and does plenty of things that I don't necessarily agree with. I let her get on with it for the main part but the stuff I feel strongly about then yes.. She's told to stop. And she complies because I'm her parent and she trusts my judgement ( although she'd eye roll if she was to see that last line )

I appreciate that it's difficult with one who does what she likes and that you can't control for whatever reason. I think it's your blasé attitude to her writing to a DR prisoner that has annoyed me. It's like you couldn't really give a toss. And that's not what I think being a parent is about

Wish I could 'like' LadylikeCough's post!

"You're not able to do that because you can't control her and therefore she gets away with murder ( no pun intended )"

No, I can't control my teen.

There are lots of us here who are utterly desperate and have spent years begging for help from social services, mental health services, our GP's, engaging weekly with our children's schools, putting boundaries in place and having them trampled over again and again, dealing with the fall out on our relationships and the quality of life of our other children.

One of the hardest things when you are trying to hold a family together in a situation like this is having to listen to arseholes moralising about weak parenting and insisting that all we need to do is be firm enough and we can force our difficult, troubled teens to comply.

Seriously - I know this is an Internet forum and you can be as patronising, cruel and as uncaring as you like with no come-back, but maybe you should be a bit careful about the self righteousness spilling over into 'real life'. You will know people who will struggle with their teens. They probably won't talk about it much. I know someone whose teen son regularly hits her and has tried to strangle her who has never said a word to anyone except me because she knows that the world is full of people like you who on hearing her story would jump to judgements about her parenting and start wheeling out all the 'I'd never put up with that from MY child' comments. It's so so depressing.

I also can't believe that people are suggesting writing unsolicited letters to victims of crime and families of murdered people, now I personally think that is much more strange and encroaching than writing to people who are actively seeking communication with the outside world, but there you go, each moral compass differs which I think this thread certainly proves.

I repeat - what do you suggest I DO to stop her writing to this person?

I honestly don’t know ~ what have you tried so far? In your earlier posts you weren’t sure whether she’d had to give her age when she applied, and you weren’t sure why she wanted to write to him, so forgive me if I have gained the impression that you’re involvement in the process of her making this contact has been relatively superficial.

She picked the most attractive one she could find from a sort of 'catalogue' of prisoners seeking pen pals. .

How do you feel about that (shock, I presume, as you put a shocked face on your original post about this), and what do you believe it says about her motives in wanting to set up this connection? And have you discussed the deception regarding her age when applying, and the reasons why the age restrictions apply?

Ooops, rogue 'you're' instead of 'your' in my post above!

Hi there,
We have had a few reports about this thread and just wanted to err on the side of caution and remind everyone about the Talk Guidelines.

Minifingers9, I'm sorry if you feel this has turned into a pile-on. Your initial comments did seem quite dismissive, but obviously there's a huge history there.

On a practical level: your DD's writing to a prisoner in the US, isn't she? What proof do they require, if the age restriction is 18 -- just a simple self-declaration, or something more conclusive, like the scan of a birth certificate? I would contact them and complain that your underage daughter has been allowed into this personal relationship without due checks in place. I suspect that, if she was an American minor, the family might consider or at least threaten a civil lawsuit, saying adequate checks have clearly not been made.

I'm not saying sue them... but this clearly shouldn't have happened and, if you notify them, they should put immediate measures into stopping contact. You don't have to tell your daughter you're doing this. Correspondence could just stop. I completely agree that for you to 'ban' anything would risk glamorising the guy or situation.

Mini/fitbit.... presumably this thread has served a purpose in making you realise the kinds of people you don't want to be.

Mini - gl with the teen, I really hope she lets you in. Could be a great bonding project, not to stop her but to monitor from within and so she feels you are trusting her rather than judging her when she's trying to shock you.

Forgot, at least the judgemental crap being posted has made you defend your position. So I think that's probably given you the answer you were looking for. Put a stamp on it!!!

Forgot = fitbit!!! Auto correct!!!

I don't think it's that big a deal, OP. You'll find people startling similar to yourself living in prison. No one is unworthy of a little compassion and humane treatment; if you feel this is how you want to help people then why not. Personally, I would prefer to write to house-bound children or political prisoners. Or those who have been imprisoned for their faith. But each to their own.

Apologies if this has been mentioned and I missed it, but what if the person you are writing to starts "talking" to you about the details of the crime that they committed, things you don't want to know (that link upthread gives the bare bones)? What if they say they don't feel remorse? If they say they enjoyed the crime or don't care about their victim/s?

I'm not going to insult you or call you naive but I think you're underestimating how disturbing that would be and what sort of impact it would have on you.

Once you know some things, you can't unknow them.

Mini I find the fact that your daughter lied about her age to write to a criminal VERY worrying, and I am amazed you are taking it 'so cool' and I am only a couple years older than your daughter. What if she lies about her age on other platforms and meet the wrong kind of people (that she she seem to seek for anyway) and bad stuff happens to her ? have you thought about that or are you also oblivious to that risk ? I don't want to sound patronising at all but your role as a mother is to protect your child, nobody said it was an easy task but it feels like you are in such a complicated situation with your daughter that any reason to avoid a fight is good enough even though that is detrimental to her.

There was many valid arguments that you could have used to avoid this situation without triggering a fight. If that was my daughter I would simply explain that while I could see why she would want to do that and don't have any objection to it I would expect her to follow the rules and age restriction put in place by the website/prison for her sake of course as well as the one of the person she would be writing to. And if she complained (cause every teen would) I would tell her that if she can't be responsible with that kind of thing and I can't trust her to be wise and have common sense then I would rethink her having unlimited access to internet or a phone as those are two things that requires maturity and common sense. Surely your child live in your house ? You are the one paying for her bills and expenses I assume so I am surprised you didn't come up with something ? she lives in your house so surely you can prevent her from giving up YOUR address to strangers ? (let alone murderer)

somebody else also suggested you contact the prison yourself and explain the situation (surely you could do that?)

I am mostly worried because you don't seem to care and seem to have a ''teens will be teen'' attitude to the whole thing, as in if because she is a (difficult) teenager she'll do what she wants no matter what, but isn't it your role to prevent that ? What if tomorrow she wants to prostitute herself or want to grow marijuana in her room and sell it at school or sell cocaine in the streets ? Will you do something then ? Because you haven't (in my opinion) provided any good reason as in to why you can't/ don't want to prevent her ?

I was a very difficult teen and still have a pretty tense relationship with my mom but most of my hatred towards her was due to her lack of rules, I desperately needed them (even though I hated them, like any teenager in the world) but she failed to do that under the excuse that ''teens would be teens and that there was no stopping us'' basically. Well her lack of parenting (and control over me) at an age during which most of us lack common sense and maturity led me in very traumatic situations that I don't wish to see your daughter in. Please for her sake control your teen, take away her phone and cut off internet if that's what it takes but better that than seeing/having terrible things happening to her. You can survive her sulking/ hating you for a while but could you survive/ look at yourself in the mirror if you lose her or if she gets her because of something you could have done but didn't do ?

Sorry if I have been harsh in anyway, but I am genuinely concern about your daughter. Like I said, I am only a couple years older than your daughter, I am basically from the same generation, spent most of my childhood hooked up on internet with parents that had to adjust to new technology and were often out skilled by their children in that area (I think the parental control my mom installed on our computer when I was 8 or 9 lasted a day as it took me barely 10 minutes to hack it and turn it off. ) so I think I can understand your struggles as a parent as well as the danger she is exposing herself to as a teenager and I am not trying to make you look or sound like a bad mother, you are probably trying your best but I couldn't not comment on that, especially after my own bad experiences.

good luck though with your daughter, you do seem to have a lot in your plate and I hope things get better for you Mini.

OP, I did write to an inmate. Not from Death Row though as I couldn't wrap myself around spending time writing and comforting a murdered/paedophile/rapist. While a part of me would have loved to hear their side of their story (with the naive hope that they would have a good/convincing reason to have done what they had done) I just couldn't try and find them excuses, plus what would be the point ? People in Death Row are going to die anyway so I might as well save me the 'heartache'.

So instead I chose a young man who was sentenced to 3 or 4 years for unlawful possession of a firearm ( which I found was one of least 'bad' crime to be sentenced for) which made it easier for me as I was just 18 when I started and to be honest I was nicely surprised by the person I met. I expected someone cold with no remorse etc... I had the whole opposite. I had very thrilling conversations with that man who seemed to genuinely regret the path he had taken so much that he actually was spending his time in jail studying law and helping out his fellow inmates. He had a great sense of humour and a lot of culture/knowledge on a lot of topics. I was actually terribly sad that someone with such a potential would end up in a place like this but I believe Jail was a turning point in his journey and was actually necessary for him. I had to stop writing when I moved out of the country but I really hope to catch up when I moved back and hear about the rest of his journey. He should already be out of jail though so I may not be able to reach him. Oh well... I had a very good experience but I am not sure I would do it again, you definitely get invested way more than you should (mentally and emotionally as well as time-wise). It was nice though and you may learn quite a few things. I don't think many inmates like to talk about life in jail or their crime though which is normal, if you were locked up day and night in your room chances are that you would avoid talking about your room when possible, especially if that's a place in which you could face abuse or rape. So if your main motivation is hearing the juicy details of a crime directly from the criminal as well as having an insight into jail life, it may not be the best thing to do, but if you just want to give comfort/talk with an inmate about things that aren't necessarily related to their crime or jail then sure why not?

Personally I chose to do that cause I had conflicting feelings about death row (even though I did not end up talking about someone on DR) I obviously had anger towards those people/hatred probably yet the thought of putting them to death made me sad. I wanted to know what could push someone to commit a crime, I really wanted to try and understand them because a part of me still believes in second chances.

Hope you have a great experience if you happen to do it. Good luck ! :)

I think it's a nice thing to do. I always find those Death Row documentaries quite dispiriting - the tedium of being locked up there for years on end, knowing there's a very high chance you'll be killed before you leave, must be hard to bear. I imagine chatty letters from overseas could be quite a highlight.

People have largely forgotten the concept of 'pen friends' and don't understand it - which is odd, when you consider we're all here writing to strangers!

Of course, if your correspondent starts to go a bit weird on you, you can simply stop writing (and report them if they're OTT.) Hope you find it rewarding!

*No, I can't control my teen.

There are lots of us here who are utterly desperate and have spent years begging for help from social services, mental health services, our GP's, engaging weekly with our children's schools, putting boundaries in place and having them trampled over again and again, dealing with the fall out on our relationships and the quality of life of our other children.

One of the hardest things when you are trying to hold a family together in a situation like this is having to listen to arseholes moralising about weak parenting and insisting that all we need to do is be firm enough and we can force our difficult, troubled teens to comply.

Seriously - I know this is an Internet forum and you can be as patronising, cruel and as uncaring as you like with no come-back, but maybe you should be a bit careful about the self righteousness spilling over into 'real life'. You will know people who will struggle with their teens. They probably won't talk about it much. I know someone whose teen son regularly hits her and has tried to strangle her who has never said a word to anyone except me because she knows that the world is full of people like you who on hearing her story would jump to judgements about her parenting and start wheeling out all the 'I'd never put up with that from MY child' comments. It's so so depressing. sad*

I can totally relate. When my teen started to go/went off the rails, I received so much bollocks from people saying "impose boundaries" etc. as if I'd never bothered with that sort of thing and just let my teen do whatever they wanted. Some people think they're such brilliant parents, but ignore the fact that they've had easy children to parent. But, it's not possibly that, it's because they had control and instilled boundaries... Twats!

take away her phone and cut off internet if that's what it takes

What if you've done that, and the teen still rebels, what would you do next?

There was a recent documentary on this so i think some people on here are way too kind and naive. The average death row prisoner has around 8 or 9 women writing to him. According to the prison officers and prison chaplain, they brag about it, use it as an ego boost and its not a comfort thing its mostly an outlet for their mostly violent sexual fantasies and asking for favours. You arent giving comfort to some lonely guy facing death you are writing to a man who has a coterie of 'fans' and will write to you to see what he can get out of it - sexual fantasies etc etc.

Mini, how did you find out your dd was writing to someone on death row? Iirc on the last thread a poster said that she and some classmates had written to dr prisoners as part of some kind of school initiative but had said that they were by no means mature enough to deal with some of the responses etc.

If she has told you that she is writing to him, perhaps you can encourage dialogue about how this came about, about the kind of empathetic person she is that she feels she wants to give comfort to someone on death row. If she's generally a rebel I might even play a bit of reverse psychology and tell her how I'd considered doing similar and how her empathy towards this man has led me to think that perhaps I too might like to befriend a murderer on death row. Many teens hit a rebellious stage, and many end up getting involved in stuff that is beyond mos t of our comprehension, protesting, various causes, and yep, even writing to prisoners on death row. Those causes start to look somewhat less appealing once the parents they're rebelling against start to think they're cool and want to join in.

And behind the scenes I would contact whoever was responsible for facilitating this contact and tell them in no uncertain terms that if anyone from their organisation so much as ever contacted my fifteen year old again I would sue them, and make very public the fact that they are happy to put young teens at psychological risk.