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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Desperate to be a mum

93 replies

ijustlovecake · 21/06/2015 11:26

I've always known I've wanted to be a mum and I have a deep, aching need to have children as soon as possible. I'm only 24, but with a diagnosis of endometriosis and adenomyosis I'm worried about my fertility and leaving it too late. I'm also wanting a hysterectomy as I've been dealing with extremely painful periods since I was 10. I've tried the pill and it didn't seem to do anything. I've also had surgery to laser the endometriosis but it didn't help.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, which i'm working on and on medication for. I'm also single, never had a relationship and don't see that changing anytime soon as i'm a complex person and just find the whole dating thing a huge disappointment.

I have been thinking about using a known sperm donor ( I aleady have a male friend who has agreed to help) and we would co-parent. I feel like I have a lot to offer a child and would love and support them in whatever they wanted to do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 21/06/2015 11:29

Hugs hun. My friend had the same. She had ivf in her early 30s to have her children. She got pregnant on the first go of each pregnancy. With both the dr said they would prob have to give her a hysterectomy after the section, due to the amount of damage, but in the end they Didnt.

Go back to your doc and ask for a referral maybe? Discuss your options.

confusedandemployed · 21/06/2015 11:41

Definitely not BU. You already know you have issues which may affect your fertility, in your shoes I wouldn't hesitate. Good luck Flowers

expatinscotland · 21/06/2015 11:50

I'd go for co-parenting! YANBU.

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 21/06/2015 12:27

Do you think my kids would hate me? Their dad would live in another country and would only get to see them around 3 times a year

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/06/2015 12:29

No. They are very much loved and wanted.

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 21/06/2015 12:35

Without a doubt. But will that be enough?

OP posts:
awombwithaview · 21/06/2015 12:49

Given tons and tons of kids are raised very happily by single parents I don't see why not. Have you considered adoption? You can do that as a single person and offer a child who desperately needs a mummy that chance. I have endo too and we adopted two beautiful kids. There were women we knew adopting as single parents at the time that we did.

If your child is your world, whether sperm donor or by other means, they won't feel unloved. I think you'll have an amazingly close bond.

Well done for facing your issues up front, so many of us spend years before we accept we need to take another route.

pandarific · 21/06/2015 12:58

It's no harm to go to the doctors and see if you can be referred to give you the fullest information possible about your fertility and endometriosis - always good to have more info rather than less.

Could I ask you to tell us a bit more about the rest of your life? What are your dreams and aspirations? What do you work as? Where do you live? What kind of life can you see fulfilling you?

I ask as you are quite young at 24, and you do sound anxious, so it would be good to hear what, in your heart of hearts, you really want to see the path clearer to getting there.

IHateStampysVoice · 21/06/2015 12:58

hugs hun? Hmm

OP I'd go for it.

scarlets · 21/06/2015 13:36

You seem emotionally ready (and 24 isn't that young) so as long as you can afford a child and have some kind of support system (doesn't have to be a massive extended family) I think you'll be okay. Good luck.

TheABC · 21/06/2015 13:50

My only question is how good your support network is? Bringing up a child is really hard work and you mentioned anxiety and depression. Post-baby hormonal blues and the relentless lack of sleep for the first few months (years) can run down anyone down, so you need to ensure you get enough help and regular breaks from childcare for your own sanity.

As a first step, I agree with padarific that a trip to the docs would be a good start - if you do need treatment in order to successfully conceive, it would be best to start now.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2015 13:51

Try and put your desperation to the side for a minute and put your practical head on. If your donor will be in another country you won't be co-parenting day to day, you'll be lone parenting. So think about how you will manage that. Think about support networks, what you've got, what you can build. Think about work, and housing and savings and decide whether now you are in a position to go ahead with this, or whether you need to spend a year or to getting things ready (I appreciate that you may not conceive straight away but then again you might).

blueshoes · 21/06/2015 14:31

Agree with others to have a support network and reasonably child friendly job in place. Being a parent of very young children can be isolating and very tough mentally, not just physically.

You want to give a lot to a child but one thing every parent has to come to terms with is the output does not always correlate with your input. Children are their own people, wonderfully and infuriatingly so. You need to look after yourself as much as on your child(ren). What I am saying it (and I hope it is not unfair) is that children are not a silver bullet to all ills.

I would encourage you to do it, but just don't put all your eggs in one basket.

HermioneWeasley · 21/06/2015 14:34

TBH I don't think being a lone parent when you have anxiety and depression is a good idea. This already puts you at increased risk of PND. What's your support network like?

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 22/06/2015 13:01

Thanks for the replies. I won't be going ahead with it until next year (hopefully i'd have a job by then) and i'm also trying to expand my social network. My mum would probably help me a lot and I'd pay a childminder/babysitter if i'm really ill (flu etc). I'm on medication and honestly will probably be on it for the rest of my life. I've tried to come off it 3 times before and it was a disaster. I'm very self-aware and have no problems getting help/seeing GP if i'm feeling depressed etc.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 22/06/2015 13:07

I think you should wait until you have a job / home and have made progress in treating the anxiety and depression. Right now it sounds like your very unhappy and I don't think having a child would fix that and would it be fair on the child?

Good that your trying to expand your social network and get a job, and a job will help with the social network as well.

EssexMummy123 · 22/06/2015 13:08

also, how could you afford to support a child with no partner and no job?

expatinscotland · 22/06/2015 13:09

I'd consider someone who is looking to co-parent here in teh UK.

Floggingmolly · 22/06/2015 13:12

You really need to go into this with your eyes open. In your op, you say you would co parent with a friend; but you later reveal you (and the potential child) would only see them 3 times a year.
Then you say your mum would "probably" help you a lot...
You need to re think the whole thing from the viewpoint of parenting alone, and see what that looks like.
In your current circumstances, it doesn't look too good.

FarFromAnyRoad · 22/06/2015 13:12

I agree with Essex - although you do sound like you know what you have to put in place I think there are things you need to straighten out before you take a huge and non-reversible step. Definitely get a job and definitely get somewhere permanent to live. Make sure you are financially secure - things are only going to get tougher for parents, single or otherwise. You don't sound completely happy and I'm wondering - tentatively - if you think having a child will make you happy because it might not. You have a bit to think through first I think.

Gottagetmoving · 22/06/2015 13:13

I agree with Hermione It's not a good idea to have a baby if you struggle with anxiety and depression. A baby won't fix that and it could even make you worse.
You need some support even if you are not suffering so doing it on your own is not ideal.
24 is young, so you have time to get help for your problems before thinking about becoming a mum.

A baby should not be filling a void in your life. It's not fair.

blueshoes · 22/06/2015 15:17

Having a baby will make things much much harder. Just logistically, every working parent will tell you you need bullet proof childcare. Have you really thought about how you are going to hold down a job and look after a baby and deal with your mental health issues?

Of course, there is never a perfect time to have a baby. But you are thinking of doing it effectively on your own. It will be challenging even for sorted women with good jobs. It can be done but you need to think about this carefully. I think you will have to lean on your mother quite a bit (and she must be behind your decision as well) and think about whether you can do this on benefits as a last resort.

CaptainSwan · 22/06/2015 15:22

Looking after babies and children is SUCH hard work, it cannot be described. The monotony of it cannot be imagined until it is experienced. Of course that is outweighed by the good stuff (or everyone would only ever have one child) but you do need to get on top of the practicalities first. You need a stable and secure home at the very least and mentally you need to have your depression well sorted because a baby is likely to make it worse.

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 22/06/2015 15:50

I've just graduated and trying for a job, won't have a baby until I have job, so looking at next year. I've just moved into my first place.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a child and will probably struggle with it for the rest of my life. I've had lots of private therapy and it helped get to the root cause of my issues but it will never go away or be cured, just managed with medication.

Doesn't everyone have a child to complete their lives, though? Add to their happiness? I don't expect having a child will help or cure me, but it would definitly be the making of me.

OP posts:
formidable · 22/06/2015 15:54

I'm a lone parent.

Make sure you choose a job which pays enough and is flexible. I'm a teacher and it's brilliant for the holidays, as I don't have to worry about childcare.

In term time I'm also home earlyish and have an understanding boss. My childcare is very reliable. If it weren't for these things, life would be much harder.