Desperate to be a mum

[ijustlovecake]

I've always known I've wanted to be a mum and I have a deep, aching need to have children as soon as possible. I'm only 24, but with a diagnosis of endometriosis and adenomyosis I'm worried about my fertility and leaving it too late. I'm also wanting a hysterectomy as I've been dealing with extremely painful periods since I was 10. I've tried the pill and it didn't seem to do anything. I've also had surgery to laser the endometriosis but it didn't help.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, which i'm working on and on medication for. I'm also single, never had a relationship and don't see that changing anytime soon as i'm a complex person and just find the whole dating thing a huge disappointment.

I have been thinking about using a known sperm donor ( I aleady have a male friend who has agreed to help) and we would co-parent. I feel like I have a lot to offer a child and would love and support them in whatever they wanted to do.

AIBU?

I can see that the medical issues would make you feel as if the pressure is building, but I would wait a while yet. The early days with a baby can be challenging and you would not be co-parenting if they are not even in the same country!

Also - you've never had a relationship? Babies do not give unconditional love they require a lot of care (toddlers and upwards can be pretty challenging too!) so I do have a slight concern what you think you'll get out of having a child. It is not always the dream relationship, unfortunately.

Have you talked this through with your counsellor? I think that would be a start. Obviously you are thinking about this in the near future (a year off) and I think you are certainly doing the right thing establishing yourself a bit more with a job and accommodation. You also mention trying to widen your social circle a bit - great idea, this can be tricky for a lot of people.

I hope your mental health continues to improve, and that a year down the line you are continuing to move forward in life - very best of luck, cake.

Agree with CoteDAzur, OP. Babies are amazing, but they don't stay a baby for long, they grow up. The idea of a baby and the reality are totally different. You can't just pay a childminder if you're ill, it doesn't work like that. You have to get on with it. My mum recalls the story of when she was really ill with shingles and dragged herself out of bed to get us to school, then went back and got into bed. You can't 100% rely on family, they have stuff to get on with too, they work and go on holiday and have a social life outside of being grandparents. I adore my two DC, but I'm bloody exhausted and I have a brilliant DH. A baby isn't a sticking plaster.

OP I love being a LP. I don't find it relentless. I found parenting with a dead beat far harder.

We have our own routine, we dance to our own tune. We get along fine and have a lovely life.

DS is 2 now.

Don't underestimate the impact of a baby on your mental health. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't ever have children but at 24 it doesn't need to be a priority, particularly if you don't have the means in place to provide a stable environment.

I suffered anxiety and depression some years ago and since I had my baby I have experienced emotions and feelings I thought were gone for good.

Having a baby is not easy, you can't just continue with life as before. Everything changes. Being responsible for a tiny new life, holding them while they stare into your eyes wanting feeding, love and care, is the most challenging thing you will ever do. It's great but it's also very demanding and if you are struggling to look after yourself at the moment there isn't really a place for a child in that as well I don't think.

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to save and get a job, expand social circle and hopefully within a year or so I'll make a decision as to whether to go ahead with it. Also will get some fertility testing done as soon as I can afford it. I'll be a good mum

All the best. I hope you didn't take my posts as being very harsh. I love being a mother. But I wanted to convey a sense of reality of motherhood. So in a year's time, you'll get a realistic idea of what it involves.

Sounds like a sensible decision. Good luck with it all.

I hope you don't mind but can I suggest that you also think really carefully about the donor/father idea and find out the legal position. You refer to him as a sperm donor and a co-parent at different points and they are very different ideas.

Good luck!

Do try and find a father for your child, and a good partner for yourself. Mine is currently giggling and chasing my toddler around downstairs and it's a wonderful thing to have a good father in your life. My dad, my 2 grandads and my partners dad are huge and important in our lives. Single mothers do a fine job but why not try at least give your child a father from the beginning. It always without exception takes two to make a baby but I don't think fathers get much positive feedback on this site.

That would be lovely Cherry but I don't have much faith in men these days. The ones that do want to settle down and commit are in the minority and are usually already taken. I find the whole dating thing so demoralizing and any mention of wanting kids/marriage scares the guy off.

Honestly, I don't know of any good men that are married, respect and love their wives. I also don't know of anyone that is of a certain age and isn't divorced or separated from the father of their children. Sometimes I think doing it this way, I'm saving my future children the heartache of divorce/seperation and 'blended families' that seems almost inevitable.

But by your own admission, your social circle is quite narrow, op...

To decide at 24 that "nobody wants to settle down and commit anymore" is not only defeatist but patently untrue. It's happening all around you.
Saving your future children the heartache of divorce / separation by refusing to let them have access to their father at all sounds extremely concerning. I'd talk it through with a counseller, if I were you.

OP in that case you must prepare for a formal doner situation. It's not fair to drag a man into this knowingly as you will be ultimately taking a child from its father if you can't be in a relationship with him. Very very few parents manage to parent separately without conflict so if you think relationships with men are too hard, just try being biologically tied to one who also loves your child and wants to spend time with it. That rarely doesn't lead to conflict. I love and trust my DH, he's a wonderful father but my god does he do things differently to me at times and if we didn't live in the same house, I might find it hard at times to let them go with him if I felt I disagreed with what he was planning to do for the day or how he fed them or did bedtime. You will not know how emotionally painful it us to let someone walk out the door with your kids until it's too late and their father will have a right to see them as much as you do. So my point is that you have two choices. Find a good relationship to have a child or set yourself up as a single parent using an anon doner. It is your choice of course but I am trying to save you and your child some serious heartache.

Sorry, just to add. It takes a man to make a child (except in doner situation which is slightly different). They are not disposable people, not least to the child. Fathers have a very low value in society these days it seems which is very sad. Maybe one of the requirements to actually have a child is not that a woman is ready but that she is ready AND has someone to have the child with. Please consider this OP.

You don't have much faith...... Your 24!!! I think that statement is incredibly short-sighted and I echoe what others are saying. You are writing off a chance of happiness and your child having two parents because 'I would make a good mum' and that's it!!
You already acknowledge your anxiety and depression. I just don't think you realise what parenting entails. It's bloody hard graft....

I wonder if you have had a child now. If you haven't and still considering, I wanted to give my opinion because Iam that mum who had a child who also suffers anxiety and depression.

I want to give you the good and the bad from someone who's been there.

It didn't work out with the father but we co parented when my son was very young I left him when son was 3months. Co parenting was every other weekend and half holidays, co parenting was my absolute saviour. Without it I just don't know. I didn't work either which was fine where I came from as life was easier there even without working you had enough money a nice house and car (Australia) would I dream of doing it here on benefits, no. And there's no way I could work raise a child on my own and health issues. So if you're going to do this, co parenting properly is essential for your sanity.

It is very tough raising young kids, when they get to 8 that's when in my opinion it finally gets easier. However, it has given my life meaning and it always will, I don't care if I never have a partner, I won't be lonely because I have my son, he is ten at the moment.

I've both absolutely loved being a mum and absolutely despized it. Mostly though because I was 22 and I feel like I sacrificed my twenties and didn't get to "live". On the whole though I would say, despite the anxiety depression it has been a beautiful journey with fun times and me and my son are very close. And when u feel like you don't belong in the world or no one gets you, you'll have someone who will love you and it's precious. So I would say go for it, but... maybe find someone who you can co parent with regularly. And if you have one, you may find the urge to have another, I would say no to this because one is all you need and can handle when you live with mental illness. You can cope with one if managed right. I had sunshine and easy lifestyle though, it must be harder here.

I like that you are being practical about it, get job, widen social circle etc. To me, personally, I consider the desire to have children as almost primal. If you want to have a child, not much will dampen that feeling, so it's good to ask questions and proceed to lay the groundwork for the practical side of things. You must deal with your fertility, too, even before wanting to become pregnant, you need to for your health and wellbeing. I had the conditions you have, and although I can't know what will work for another person, for me the paleo diet really worked. Mixed in with the pcos diet. No caffeine, no refined sugars, nothing crappy from a packet. It's all about balancing your body and balancing hormones. I was lucky enough to be under private care back in the day, and although they tried to get me on about 20 tablets a day, a useful thing was having scans every few weeks. My insides looked dreadful, black splodges all over every time I went for a scan, once I started on this diet, every time I had a scan it was clearer, to the point where it was all gone, and was pregnant within a couple of months and felt so much better and no more agonising pain and heavy bleeding. I DID have a fairly difficult pregnancy though, the first one - but all fine and healthy now. The thing is, as I decided at the time, a clean diet is not hurting anyone or costing much in the long run, so why not? Who knows if my body randomly fixed itself, or the diet worked, but can't hurt to give it a go. I don't know what meds you're on though, or other conditions, so I'm a bit wary of throwing that advice out there. But not eating bread or sugar is something I think is probably healthy for most people. Like any diet or lifestyle change, I'd say take it easy and gradually though.

Sorry just to add, you're 24 and still have tonnes of time to develop yourself, sort your heath out, travel, try new things. Being a single parent means you'll be very intensely busy, even with help. All parents gain much from having children, but lose many aspects of their own selves while their children are small. It's all about the child and not much else for what feels like the longest time. You need to start off with a good stock of personal experiences, and to try things and do things that have, and will continue to fulfill you.

Oh FFS zombie effing thread! What's the outcome then OP? the biscuit is for me

Having a child isn't always the making of somebody and it doesn't compete them.

With a dad who lives abroad, no job and MH issues a baby is the last thing you need at the moment. You really need to wait until your MH is under control and you have a stable career given it's only your income that will be in place and no second earner.