Desperate to be a mum

[ijustlovecake]

I've always known I've wanted to be a mum and I have a deep, aching need to have children as soon as possible. I'm only 24, but with a diagnosis of endometriosis and adenomyosis I'm worried about my fertility and leaving it too late. I'm also wanting a hysterectomy as I've been dealing with extremely painful periods since I was 10. I've tried the pill and it didn't seem to do anything. I've also had surgery to laser the endometriosis but it didn't help.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, which i'm working on and on medication for. I'm also single, never had a relationship and don't see that changing anytime soon as i'm a complex person and just find the whole dating thing a huge disappointment.

I have been thinking about using a known sperm donor ( I aleady have a male friend who has agreed to help) and we would co-parent. I feel like I have a lot to offer a child and would love and support them in whatever they wanted to do.

AIBU?

[SheldonCRules]

Having a child isn't always the making of somebody and it doesn't compete them.

With a dad who lives abroad, no job and MH issues a baby is the last thing you need at the moment. You really need to wait until your MH is under control and you have a stable career given it's only your income that will be in place and no second earner.

[mygorgeousmilo]

Oh FFS zombie effing thread! What's the outcome then OP? the biscuit is for me

[mygorgeousmilo]

Sorry just to add, you're 24 and still have tonnes of time to develop yourself, sort your heath out, travel, try new things. Being a single parent means you'll be very intensely busy, even with help. All parents gain much from having children, but lose many aspects of their own selves while their children are small. It's all about the child and not much else for what feels like the longest time. You need to start off with a good stock of personal experiences, and to try things and do things that have, and will continue to fulfill you.

[mygorgeousmilo]

I like that you are being practical about it, get job, widen social circle etc. To me, personally, I consider the desire to have children as almost primal. If you want to have a child, not much will dampen that feeling, so it's good to ask questions and proceed to lay the groundwork for the practical side of things. You must deal with your fertility, too, even before wanting to become pregnant, you need to for your health and wellbeing. I had the conditions you have, and although I can't know what will work for another person, for me the paleo diet really worked. Mixed in with the pcos diet. No caffeine, no refined sugars, nothing crappy from a packet. It's all about balancing your body and balancing hormones. I was lucky enough to be under private care back in the day, and although they tried to get me on about 20 tablets a day, a useful thing was having scans every few weeks. My insides looked dreadful, black splodges all over every time I went for a scan, once I started on this diet, every time I had a scan it was clearer, to the point where it was all gone, and was pregnant within a couple of months and felt so much better and no more agonising pain and heavy bleeding. I DID have a fairly difficult pregnancy though, the first one - but all fine and healthy now. The thing is, as I decided at the time, a clean diet is not hurting anyone or costing much in the long run, so why not? Who knows if my body randomly fixed itself, or the diet worked, but can't hurt to give it a go. I don't know what meds you're on though, or other conditions, so I'm a bit wary of throwing that advice out there. But not eating bread or sugar is something I think is probably healthy for most people. Like any diet or lifestyle change, I'd say take it easy and gradually though.

[user1470238134]

I wonder if you have had a child now. If you haven't and still considering, I wanted to give my opinion because Iam that mum who had a child who also suffers anxiety and depression.

I want to give you the good and the bad from someone who's been there.

It didn't work out with the father but we co parented when my son was very young I left him when son was 3months. Co parenting was every other weekend and half holidays, co parenting was my absolute saviour. Without it I just don't know. I didn't work either which was fine where I came from as life was easier there even without working you had enough money a nice house and car (Australia) would I dream of doing it here on benefits, no. And there's no way I could work raise a child on my own and health issues. So if you're going to do this, co parenting properly is essential for your sanity.

It is very tough raising young kids, when they get to 8 that's when in my opinion it finally gets easier. However, it has given my life meaning and it always will, I don't care if I never have a partner, I won't be lonely because I have my son, he is ten at the moment.

I've both absolutely loved being a mum and absolutely despized it. Mostly though because I was 22 and I feel like I sacrificed my twenties and didn't get to "live". On the whole though I would say, despite the anxiety depression it has been a beautiful journey with fun times and me and my son are very close. And when u feel like you don't belong in the world or no one gets you, you'll have someone who will love you and it's precious. So I would say go for it, but... maybe find someone who you can co parent with regularly. And if you have one, you may find the urge to have another, I would say no to this because one is all you need and can handle when you live with mental illness. You can cope with one if managed right. I had sunshine and easy lifestyle though, it must be harder here.

[wannabestressfree]

You don't have much faith...... Your 24!!! I think that statement is incredibly short-sighted and I echoe what others are saying. You are writing off a chance of happiness and your child having two parents because 'I would make a good mum' and that's it!!
You already acknowledge your anxiety and depression. I just don't think you realise what parenting entails. It's bloody hard graft....

[Cherryblossomsinspring]

Sorry, just to add. It takes a man to make a child (except in doner situation which is slightly different). They are not disposable people, not least to the child. Fathers have a very low value in society these days it seems which is very sad. Maybe one of the requirements to actually have a child is not that a woman is ready but that she is ready AND has someone to have the child with. Please consider this OP.

[Cherryblossomsinspring]

OP in that case you must prepare for a formal doner situation. It's not fair to drag a man into this knowingly as you will be ultimately taking a child from its father if you can't be in a relationship with him. Very very few parents manage to parent separately without conflict so if you think relationships with men are too hard, just try being biologically tied to one who also loves your child and wants to spend time with it. That rarely doesn't lead to conflict. I love and trust my DH, he's a wonderful father but my god does he do things differently to me at times and if we didn't live in the same house, I might find it hard at times to let them go with him if I felt I disagreed with what he was planning to do for the day or how he fed them or did bedtime. You will not know how emotionally painful it us to let someone walk out the door with your kids until it's too late and their father will have a right to see them as much as you do. So my point is that you have two choices. Find a good relationship to have a child or set yourself up as a single parent using an anon doner. It is your choice of course but I am trying to save you and your child some serious heartache.

[Floggingmolly]

But by your own admission, your social circle is quite narrow, op...
To decide at 24 that "nobody wants to settle down and commit anymore" is not only defeatist but patently untrue. It's happening all around you.
Saving your future children the heartache of divorce / separation by refusing to let them have access to their father at all sounds extremely concerning. I'd talk it through with a counseller, if I were you.

[ijustlovecake]

That would be lovely Cherry but I don't have much faith in men these days. The ones that do want to settle down and commit are in the minority and are usually already taken. I find the whole dating thing so demoralizing and any mention of wanting kids/marriage scares the guy off.

Honestly, I don't know of any good men that are married, respect and love their wives. I also don't know of anyone that is of a certain age and isn't divorced or separated from the father of their children. Sometimes I think doing it this way, I'm saving my future children the heartache of divorce/seperation and 'blended families' that seems almost inevitable.

[Cherryblossomsinspring]

Do try and find a father for your child, and a good partner for yourself. Mine is currently giggling and chasing my toddler around downstairs and it's a wonderful thing to have a good father in your life. My dad, my 2 grandads and my partners dad are huge and important in our lives. Single mothers do a fine job but why not try at least give your child a father from the beginning. It always without exception takes two to make a baby but I don't think fathers get much positive feedback on this site.

[TessDurbeyfield]

Sounds like a sensible decision. Good luck with it all.

I hope you don't mind but can I suggest that you also think really carefully about the donor/father idea and find out the legal position. You refer to him as a sperm donor and a co-parent at different points and they are very different ideas.

Good luck!

[HeadDreamer]

All the best. I hope you didn't take my posts as being very harsh. I love being a mother. But I wanted to convey a sense of reality of motherhood. So in a year's time, you'll get a realistic idea of what it involves.

[ijustlovecake]

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to save and get a job, expand social circle and hopefully within a year or so I'll make a decision as to whether to go ahead with it. Also will get some fertility testing done as soon as I can afford it. I'll be a good mum

[mariposa10]

Don't underestimate the impact of a baby on your mental health. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't ever have children but at 24 it doesn't need to be a priority, particularly if you don't have the means in place to provide a stable environment.

I suffered anxiety and depression some years ago and since I had my baby I have experienced emotions and feelings I thought were gone for good.

Having a baby is not easy, you can't just continue with life as before. Everything changes. Being responsible for a tiny new life, holding them while they stare into your eyes wanting feeding, love and care, is the most challenging thing you will ever do. It's great but it's also very demanding and if you are struggling to look after yourself at the moment there isn't really a place for a child in that as well I don't think.

[formidable]

OP I love being a LP. I don't find it relentless. I found parenting with a dead beat far harder.

We have our own routine, we dance to our own tune. We get along fine and have a lovely life.

DS is 2 now.

[OhEmGeee]

Agree with CoteDAzur, OP. Babies are amazing, but they don't stay a baby for long, they grow up. The idea of a baby and the reality are totally different. You can't just pay a childminder if you're ill, it doesn't work like that. You have to get on with it. My mum recalls the story of when she was really ill with shingles and dragged herself out of bed to get us to school, then went back and got into bed. You can't 100% rely on family, they have stuff to get on with too, they work and go on holiday and have a social life outside of being grandparents. I adore my two DC, but I'm bloody exhausted and I have a brilliant DH. A baby isn't a sticking plaster.

[Fizrim]

I can see that the medical issues would make you feel as if the pressure is building, but I would wait a while yet. The early days with a baby can be challenging and you would not be co-parenting if they are not even in the same country!

Also - you've never had a relationship? Babies do not give unconditional love they require a lot of care (toddlers and upwards can be pretty challenging too!) so I do have a slight concern what you think you'll get out of having a child. It is not always the dream relationship, unfortunately.

Have you talked this through with your counsellor? I think that would be a start. Obviously you are thinking about this in the near future (a year off) and I think you are certainly doing the right thing establishing yourself a bit more with a job and accommodation. You also mention trying to widen your social circle a bit - great idea, this can be tricky for a lot of people.

I hope your mental health continues to improve, and that a year down the line you are continuing to move forward in life - very best of luck, cake.

[CoteDAzur]

OP - You are not going to like what I will say but please hear me out:

Most people want to be parents at some point in their lives and you are of course not being reasonable to want a baby. HOWEVER, it sounds to me like you are lonely and unhappy, and you want a baby to "complete" you and make you happy. And it sounds like you have a completely unrealistic view of how much time, energy, and effort goes into having a baby.

It would be a much better idea for you to sort your life out for the next couple of years, see if you can perhaps have a relationship that would lead to having a baby together. Work on building yourself up, making friends, doing well professionally. Try to have a life of your own and be happy in that life BEFORE you bring a baby into it, because especially the first year of a baby is very VERY hard, especially if you plan to be on your own and work at the same time. Even women with no history of depression and anxiety struggle with these issues when they have a baby. It really isn't just a wonderful bundle of love to fill all the love-shaped holes in your life and make you whole. Yes, there is love and moments of happiness, but mostly it is about sleep deprivation, lots of crying, and sitting alone trying to get baby to sleep/feed/not scream.

You have every right to want to be a mother, but please sort out the practicalities of your life and find happiness in it before you bring a baby into it.

[HeadDreamer]

I'm thinking the same as NoArmaniNoPunani. The conservatives are talking about £12bn cuts, mainly from working aged people. They aren't going to touch the grey vote.

And it's still true you need a good support network. Being in a relationship means you have one other person. As a lone parent, it will be her mum, sisters, brothers, cousins, or friends with children.

I'm sure non of you will disagree that looking after a child is relentless. How often you hear being a mum is already a full time job?

[EuphemiaCoxton]

Get a good stable job and keep it for a year before thinking about babies. You also need somewhere to live.
Having a baby is like jumping off a cliff, that's it, no going back.

I had my baby in a long term relationship, steady money, nice home and.......
It nearly broke me.
14 months of no more than 2 hours sleep at a time.
I still had the money, the relationship and the home.

It is unbelievably tough to look after a baby. It is monotonous to look after a baby.
It can be frustrating to look after a baby, particularly a velcro screamer.
It is exhausting to look after a baby.
It can be frightening to look after a baby, when to call a GP, is this crying normal etc.
It is relentless to look after a baby, it never stops.
You can't pay childcarers whenever you feel like a break. They don't work like that. Plus they cost money, and whatever your income it will be a big issue.
You can't rely 100% on someone like your mum. My mum suffered an accident, broke her arm badly and couldn't help me. She will also has her own life. Her priorities are not mine and the shouldn't be. My baby was MINE.
Being a grandma isn't the same as being a mummy.
If you are ill you have to carry on as normal, take painkillers, suck it up and ocasionally cry into the washing.
Gone are the duvet days and the taking it easy days.

I love love love love my child.
But I don't think I'm strong enough to do this again.

Having said that I find toddlers way easier and little children a breeze.
I just can't do babies.

[OurGlass]

Despite your struggles you sound like you've made some massive achievements.

Go for it!

[debbriana]

Gosh! you are in a terrible conundrum.
First I would say that you get a job. Secondly be secure in your self. Baby wise your in the right place. Mentally it could threw you off. But financially you may not be. I can see that probably you have got some finance in place because you have managed to get an accommodation without working but is it enough for when you have the child.
Is the father going to help financially at all?
You have to talk to your mother before having the child. Does she live close by ? If not is she willing to move and come and live near by or with you.
Without any help I would have gone bonkers I assure you that.
If I were a lone parent I don't know how I would have manage on the days am in tears. Because the child is not eating properly, not sleeping at night, sick with fever or colic and sometimes they were just tired and that drains the F out you. By the this is from a person who is mentally stable.
You may want it to fill the void for someone else loving you but it may not give you status or any thing else your looking for. A child should be a bonus.
I thought I was going to be the best mum possible but sometimes doubt that when I feel like I could have done things differently.

I feel like someone like me is not good enough to help you out because I don't have the gyno problems, no am I a lone parent but looking after children is not easy.

You don't have to have a baby by thirty. Aspire to other things too. If the baby thing does not happen you will be in deep shit. That could tip you off. Think very carefully.

Please don't push your self because someone else has had a child.

[TessDurbeyfield]

I would also think very carefully about the plan with the 'known donor' and both get legal advice on that. I would want a written agreement between the two of you - it wouldn't be enforceable but it would at least make sure you have thought things through. The thing is that in the situation you have discussed - DIY 'donation' from a known donor - the law won't see him as a donor, it will see him as a father. That means that the law will see him as an equal parent to you whatever you think the situation is. There have been a lot of cases in the courts where these kind of plans have seemed fine when the child was not yet conceived but have got very messy once the child arrived and suddenly the parents had very different ideas of what exactly had been agreed and what was best for the child.

[TessDurbeyfield]

If I were you I would go to the GP and talk seriously about likely impact on fertility. Then I would (if it fitted with that advice) have a 5 year plan for getting myself to a good position for having a child. So getting as healthy as possible (mentally and physically) and getting myself into a really good place with work. So I would think really carefully about the kind of career that I could do with childcare responsibilities (whether going for a very high earning career and being able to afford bullet proof childcare or a more flexible career etc) and in planning I would not factor in my mum (who knows what will happen to her life and health) or the state (who knows what will happen to tax credits etc in the next 5 years). I would then work really hard to get the best training and make myself as indispensable as possible in that career so that I had built up a great deal of trust and expertise so that I had the best chance of negotiating flexible hours, making sideways move, going freelance etc when the baby arrived. I would also save at least as much as childcare would cost each month to (a) get used to that and (b) put that money into getting secure housing/fund for maternity leave etc. Then by the time I got to 30 I would hopefully be in a good place for having a baby and who knows what would have happened personally in the mean time....