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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Desperate to be a mum

93 replies

ijustlovecake · 21/06/2015 11:26

I've always known I've wanted to be a mum and I have a deep, aching need to have children as soon as possible. I'm only 24, but with a diagnosis of endometriosis and adenomyosis I'm worried about my fertility and leaving it too late. I'm also wanting a hysterectomy as I've been dealing with extremely painful periods since I was 10. I've tried the pill and it didn't seem to do anything. I've also had surgery to laser the endometriosis but it didn't help.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, which i'm working on and on medication for. I'm also single, never had a relationship and don't see that changing anytime soon as i'm a complex person and just find the whole dating thing a huge disappointment.

I have been thinking about using a known sperm donor ( I aleady have a male friend who has agreed to help) and we would co-parent. I feel like I have a lot to offer a child and would love and support them in whatever they wanted to do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 22/06/2015 16:04

OP there are plenty of threads on here with women saying honestly that if they had their time again, they wouldn't have kids.

OliviaBenson · 22/06/2015 16:08

Op- I don't want kids at all and don't see them as completing my life at all.

I worry about your reasons behind this?

Having kids could be the making of you, it could also be extremely difficult for you as well. Could you discuss this at councilling? It may just not be the right time for you, that's all.

splendide · 22/06/2015 16:09

It's so hard because you don't know how you will cope until it happens. I had my baby last year with a really supportive husband and no mental health issues and lots of money (comparatively). I found it dreadfully stressful and miserable and hard. I honestly think if I'd been alone I may have killed myself. That's my honest assessment. It's ok now just about.

But then loads of women do great including lone parents.

I think if I were you I'd at least want to be a bit established in a job first just so I had some savings for maternity leave.

loveandsmiles · 22/06/2015 16:11

The last thing I would be considering if I had depression, no job and no partner would be having a babyShock

I appreciate your desire for a child but you need to be completely settled and secure in your life first. I do wish you luck for the future Flowers

SolitaryInTheVoid · 22/06/2015 16:17

YANBU Flowers

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 22/06/2015 16:28

loveandsmiles life doesn't always turn out how we'd hope

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 22/06/2015 16:41

No it doesn't, op, but if you have a child it's not just about you anymore. To be brutal; someone with such severe anxiety / depression that they're looking at life long medication is really not ideally placed for single parenthood.
It could well tip you over the edge. And then there's the child to consider...

Socalled · 22/06/2015 16:41

No, OP, having a child to 'complete your life' in your circumstances as you depict them - anxious, depressed, recently left university so only starting out in your working life, financially insecure and only just moved out of home, doing it solo - would be a deeply unwise thing to do, for you and the child. Who shouldn't be conceived as a solution to your problems, which is slightly what you make it sound like.

Parenting a child is hard for many people - I've found it difficult and I had my son at 39, with a supportive partner, an established career and no significant financial worries - and can be very hard for women with a tendency to depression or anxiety. I have a history of depression when I was younger and I got postnatal psychosis, after being fine for years - if I hadn't had a partner, my baby would have had to go into care because I was out of my mind.

I'm saying this not to frighten you, or because I think you shouldn't eventually have a child, but because I think you're coming at this from the wrong angle. A baby won't magically 'complete' you or provide the cure therapy or drugs didn't. You should concentrate first on getting yourself into a stable, sustainable position in terms of mental health, work, finances, support network in order to put yourself into the best possible place to parent your child. Best wishes.

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 22/06/2015 16:51

I didn't say I want a child to cure me, though. My depression is manageable, I tend to have ocassional depressive days, I haven't felt depressed in a few weeks. I feel that due to my anxiety and depression, people seem to think that i'm not good enough to be a mum. I feel that my experiences will make me a better mum than if I didn't have those experiences.

OP posts:
Cherryblossomsinspring · 22/06/2015 16:53

Oh gosh, I think you need to be Financially stable and I would also suggest you go to a proper sperm donation centre. You would be amazed at how emotive a child could become for this man and it can be very stressful trying to parent with someone you are not in a relationship with (it can be hard even in a solid relationship). You leave you and your child open to custody battles and psychological warfare by going into it with a 'friend'. As for the job, it depends on the job but mist are not compatible with having a child until you are sure you won't lose it for needing time off and getting a job with maternity pay is like gold dust these days so I think you need to save for that. Will you be able to afford childcare? I think you should start planning and working towards this, trying to find a good man to be the father to your child is ideal if you can, but I don't think there is any harm in waiting till you are 30 even. By then you might be in a better position to give you self the best chance at being the mother you want to be. You would still have yrs and yrs to get pregnant, assisted if needed. I know many people with endometriosis who have children. It's very common in my family.

lidlstory · 22/06/2015 16:57

If you want a donor-conceived child, I would recommend an anonymous donor according to HFEA rules. Your child can meet his or her donor when he's 18.

The known donor root often causes problems - how long have you known this friend? Think about how the situation might change in the event of new partners, further children, etc.

GrimDamnFanjo · 22/06/2015 17:21

Socalled summed up many of my thoughts. Having a child is often a trigger for depression and anxiety speaking from experience.
I would say, get as financially secure as you can, build a supportive network and look into your endo issues with your doctor. Check out the Fertility Friends network for both health info and lone parenting it's a supportive forum.
You are still young enough to build a positive future for yourself that doesn't involve having a child.

Patapouf · 22/06/2015 17:54

I understand you may feel pressure to TTC sooner rather than later but it would be completely selfish to do so if you are not in a financial position to care for the child I.e. No job etc. more so if you have MH problems that might worsen.

As PPs have said, having a child shouldn't fill a void, it should add to your life. Concentrate on yourself for a few years, a few weeks without feeling down is brilliant but not long enough to consider yourself well.

BoyScout · 22/06/2015 18:00

You're 24. See where life takes you and then think about this again when you're 30 (if it hasn't happened on its own by then)

MrsDeVere · 22/06/2015 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 22/06/2015 21:28

Sorry, but your desire for a child seems to be all about you and what you want.
Think about the child, because it will be a person not something to bring you happiness or fulfilment. The reality is not the same as the dream.
Get a job, get settled, save up, but most of all sort out your head first.
I had a depressed and anxious mother and it was quite a burden for her children to deal with when it was not managed or got worse. She was a complex person too.....Was not fun for us.

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 22/06/2015 22:00

Gotta Read the whole thread. I posted this thread because i'm concerned about how my possible child will feel about the situation, and wanted to co-parent instead of using a donor so my child won't have to wait until they are 8 to know who their father is.

For the third time, I don't expect a child to bring me happiness. Can I ask, why did you decide to have a child? Was it to fulfil a selfish need or urge because you wanted a child? How is my desire any different?

OP posts:
Original poster
ijustlovecake · 22/06/2015 22:00

18 not 8*

OP posts:
Cherryblossomsinspring · 22/06/2015 23:24

Sorry OP. I don't think anyone is trying to upset you, just give their opinions. The thread is about you and not them. I will tell you why i had kids though if it helps. I had them because i always wanted them. But i did put in place as much security, financial and emotional, before undertaking the biggest and most high stakes role of my life. That is the origins of my advice. I'm afraid its difficult for me to consider doing it differently like you are considering. Ultimately it is all your choice. I'm sure like most of us you are very capable of being a good mother. Just give yourself the best chance.

Original poster
ijustlovecake · 22/06/2015 23:29

Thank you Cherry Smile

OP posts:
Socalled · 22/06/2015 23:59

OP, I am certainly not trying to upset you, just giving you my perspective as someone who, like you (from your account of yourself) has suffered depression and anxiety and whose mental health took a sudden nosedive after having a child, despite objectively easier circumstances - and that's not uncommon. (Have you thought about the consequences of needing to come off medication during pregnancy and bf?) I went quite mad. I was speaking in other languages without realising it, and hallucinating.

What I'm saying is that having a child can be an enormously destabilising and isolating thing for even people with incandescently good mental health - you may be coping alone with a colicky newborn while feeling more anxious and depressed than you ever have on no sleep, while worrying about paying the rent. You can't predict PND, but you can put things in place to mitigate the ill effects, like getting yourself as far as possible into a position of stability, emotional, financial etc. And depression doesn't make you better at anything, in my experience, certainly not in dealing with the demands of a small child.

I get that your concerns about your fertility are pushing this, OP, but again, I think you're coming at this from the wrong angle. It doesn't really matter why someone has a child, whether it's contraceptive failure or a long-seated urge. Once that child exists, whether it was conceived by accident or after years of trying, it stops being about you. I think that's the most difficult thing for any parent to convey to a non-parent, the being abruptly pushed to the sidelines of your own life.

I'm sure you're as capable as anyone of making a good job of being a parent, but, by the sound if it, not right now.

saturnvista · 23/06/2015 00:29

I think the advice telling you not to have a baby if you suffer from anxiety or depression utter rot. Many a young mum has anxiety and depression post-birth and yet many young mums, on balance, provide their children with an enriched and wide-ranging experience of childhood. Likewise, the fact that you suffer from these issues (and are aware of it) does not mean that you're not capable of wanting to be a mother in a perfectly legitimate way that is unrelated to your own vulnerabilities.

saturnvista · 23/06/2015 00:44

I also understand that if your experience of being treated for this gyne condition was anything like mine, you will have been told, if you want to have a chance of having children, not to delay TTC by a sombre-faced consultant.

A quick look at mumsnet will show you that many children are growing up in the messiest situations - plenty of women are single or in abusive relationships. Plenty of women are retraining so their career isn't stable. Plenty of father figures disappeared in a cloud of smoke many moons ago. And plenty of families are coping with the unique strain and upset of adjusting to life as a blended family. These days, a baby is seen as the cherry on top of the perfect life. Since we could never imagine ourselves sacrificing anything in order to parent, we all feel the need to get our own career and financial solvency assured first before we have babies. We're also in a culture that worships babies and their accoutrements as a very long marketing opportunity for everyone with children under the age of ten.
Don't crack. Do what you feel comfortable with and don't let anyone suggest taht you're not good enough to be a mum!

mileend2bermondsey · 23/06/2015 01:37

I can't even believe youre planning to have a child when you have no job or way of supporting it and have very current and serious MH issues.
You are being unreasonably selfish OP.

FloraPost · 23/06/2015 02:50

Well I think you sound like you'll be a great mum when the time is right. For now, I think the biggest favour you can do yourself and your future child is to get sorted work-wise. Going back to work after a baby, even part-time, can really help the identity loss many new mothers feel. Plus, how would you cope emotionally and financially if the child had SN? DP and I both earn fairly well but paying for everything DS1 needs due to his SN (DLA isn't enough) is punishing.