Desperate to be a mum

[ijustlovecake]

I've always known I've wanted to be a mum and I have a deep, aching need to have children as soon as possible. I'm only 24, but with a diagnosis of endometriosis and adenomyosis I'm worried about my fertility and leaving it too late. I'm also wanting a hysterectomy as I've been dealing with extremely painful periods since I was 10. I've tried the pill and it didn't seem to do anything. I've also had surgery to laser the endometriosis but it didn't help.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, which i'm working on and on medication for. I'm also single, never had a relationship and don't see that changing anytime soon as i'm a complex person and just find the whole dating thing a huge disappointment.

I have been thinking about using a known sperm donor ( I aleady have a male friend who has agreed to help) and we would co-parent. I feel like I have a lot to offer a child and would love and support them in whatever they wanted to do.

AIBU?

Honestly, unless you have free childcare or a very very high paid graduate job, you won't be able to afford to work at all as a lone parent. Have you looked at the price of childcare? In that case I can't see why you need a job first before children. You will be living on benefits.

And when you are ill you can't just find a childminder to take the child. It is your support network. Your mum or friends. Will they do that for you? A young child will not understand you need rest. My 4yo still doesn't.

I think a lot of posters here are just being realistic. And I didn't have children to complete me. I wasn't very sure but by the time I'm 35 I know it's now or it's too late. I really enjoyed my child free 20s and early 30s.

Mileend - did you miss the part where the op said she doesn't plan to conceive until she has established herself in a job? Rtft ffs.

And plenty of lone parents work and don't live on benefits. Ok, until the children go to school, childcare is ridiculously expensive, but as the op has just graduated so is likely going to be in a decent paying post grad position, it is totally feasible that she will be perfectly able to work and afford eg. a childminder.

I did it (with an ID release donor) and whilst I don't regret it for a second, it is one of the hardest things I've done. And that was at 35, good secure job, owned my own home and paid off my mortgage and made sure I had plenty of funds to back me up in the bank as I didn't have family support to rely on. I pay pretty much the equivalent of a mortgage payment every week for childcare so that I can work and unless I pay a fortune for a babysitter, then there's no Friday nights out with mates or going on weekend jollies. Which doesn't bother me too much as I was never that type of person anyway, but there are times that being a bit spontaneous would be nice. I really don't think I would have been in the head space to do this at 24, nor was I financially or mentally ready for it. DS is nearly four now and I'm looking forward to him going to school and not having to spend so much on childcare, and also now he is able to do more things with me.

From what you have said, I would question whether your desire to have a child now is because you really want a child (a child, not a baby - they are little for only a short time), or whether your medical conditions and wish for a hysterectomy is making you look at this path a lot earlier than you otherwise would. Wait a while, get yourself a job, get some money in the bank, and then see what you feel in five years time.

Just on the wanting a baby/depression aspect. Presumably the endo does put you in this position of needing to consider this now and waiting until you are 30 may be an impossible luxury. If you really want to have children this itself must be stressful.

I am prone to anxiety /depression and had a hard time after my second dc was born. However, having come through that I was very clear that I wanted a 3rd child in our family. DH was not keen especially given how hard I'd found things after DC2 was born. But eventually we had DC3 and in terms of depression the effect is that because he is here, having been so longed for, a major issue in my life is resolved. He brings me such joy and I feel grateful for him every day. Even considering the lack of sleep and 24/7 care from me that he needs, he has a positive effect on my mental health.

So while it is true and good advice given above that having a baby can affect your mh negatively I think there is this perspective that for you having a child /children and thus being closer to being able to potentially have a hysterectomy and resolve the endo - this kills two very big birds with one stone and may be a weight off your shoulders.

You sound very sensible about all this. You just need to get your plans in order which of course you are trying to do here and there is v good advice /insight above.

HeadDreamer are you really saying that it is impossible for lone parents to work? Do you know how ignorant that sounds?

Of course it's not impossible - in fact LP are more likely to work because who is going to pay the rent if they don't?

How silly

Headdreamer I work full time with three children and a single parent! Who knew it was possible?

I really hope that you can get a plan together that you are happy with OP - it sounds like you are looking at your options and trying to be sensible . I was desperate to have a baby when I fell pregnant with my LO...had wanted one for years but partner wasn't ready. I LOVE being a mummy, for me it's by far the best thing I have ever done. However I wasn't prepared for the anxiety that came with it in the early days and the support I had really helped. If you are close to your mum then that is great and will be helpful if it flares up for you :) I am pregnant ATM but it's been a lot if heart ache to get here. I will be looking at adoption in the future too as there are lots of children that need loving homes (albeit I know the process isn't easy). Sounds like you have a few options open to you, very best of luck xxx

Also wanted to say two of my friends with bad endo have fell pregnant (luckily). One by 'accident' and the other with treatment x

Hi OP. I have suffered for a long time with anxiety and take long term medication . I am pregnant with my 6th child. In my opinion having anxiety/depression is NO barrier to be a great mum as long as you have your medication sorted.

I had my first baby (planned) with DH aged 21.

Your age and anxiety to me are non issues. What IS an issue is the fact you are alone. It will be doubly hard and at 24 I would still be focusing on the idea of meeting someone to start a family rather than what in my mind is a last ditch effort.

If you do go ahead I would say you need a job, a good savings account and your anxiety/depression needs to be having no impact on your day to day life more than the occasional blip

Either way I wish you luck!

I'd pay a childminder/babysitter if i'm really ill (flu etc)

This^^ statement makes me think you don't know much about the practicalities of childcare.

You can't hire a childminder for a one off like being ill.

You will just have to plow through having the flu and caring for a baby that needs feeding/changing 10 times a day.

Are you having any counselling? It sounds like you have lots of issues going on. The hormonal shifts of pregnancy are likely to make your depression and anxiety worse. Also it's not ideal to be taking meds whilst pregnant.

I think the best thing for you atm is to focus on improving your mental and physical health.

You also need to look at the stability of your housing, employment and social support network.

I really can't see all this being sorted in under 3 years.

Then come back to the baby issue.

There are lots of practical things to consider-

-are you private renting? It isn't great having to move every 6 months with a child. Are you in a 1 bed? Can you afford a 2 bed once your DC is a toddler?

-what jobs are you looking for? Childcare is usually only available m-f 8-6 restricting your job options. You also need steady hours- you can't chop and change childcare every week if you have variable hours. What is the pay like in jobs you are applying for? Nurseries are c. £40 per day. Could you afford this & pay bills? Have you researched tax credits? Do the nurseries/childminders in your area have long waiting lists?

-thinking long term what is your local school like?

-do you have a car/licence? Can you get to work etc with a baby in a buggy?

-have you budgeted for baby equipment?

There is so much to consider and you have to be on top of all of this is you don't have a partner/good suppor network to fall back on.

One of the positives about being a working lone parent is having that childcare backup if you need it.

If I'm ill, DS goes to cm as usual and then I crawl back into bed. I just have to try and be ill in the week :)

Last weekend I was horrendously hungover and DS went to a friend for a couple of hours....

I had my first child aged 23, second child aged 24. I was extremely broody and desperate for children.

My only advice for you is make sure you are going to have a good support network around you.

I have DH and I can honestly say I'd be lost without him! The kids have endless energy and I need a break from time to time, so he takes over.

No I'm stating the fact that as a new graduate she is m unlikely to earn enough to cover childcare. The cost of it is crippling. If you read her post, she said her mum just might help. It's not certain. Ofc you can work and be a lone parent. But to whoever who has 3 children and work and a lone parent, do you pay for nursery or a nanny for 3 under 3s?

I pay £45 a day for nursery. How much do you have to take home to pay that and pay rent and utilities and food? It is very different if you have family free childcare. Plenty of couples can't afford to have both parents working. I don't think the OP actually knows the reality of childcare. She actually says she will get a childminder if she's ill. Round here there are waiting lists for childminders and you need to commit to regular hours.

Or you might all have walked those £30k graduate jobs this is MN after all.

Plenty here says they earn over £100k. Just look at the travel forums.

When I used the online calculator on the government site it said tax credits would pay for most it.

As a LP earning 25k, and spending 700pm on childcare, I think about 600 of that was covered by tax credits.

I would not depend on tax credits right now, there's talk of them being reduced/removed

If I were you I would go to the GP and talk seriously about likely impact on fertility. Then I would (if it fitted with that advice) have a 5 year plan for getting myself to a good position for having a child. So getting as healthy as possible (mentally and physically) and getting myself into a really good place with work. So I would think really carefully about the kind of career that I could do with childcare responsibilities (whether going for a very high earning career and being able to afford bullet proof childcare or a more flexible career etc) and in planning I would not factor in my mum (who knows what will happen to her life and health) or the state (who knows what will happen to tax credits etc in the next 5 years). I would then work really hard to get the best training and make myself as indispensable as possible in that career so that I had built up a great deal of trust and expertise so that I had the best chance of negotiating flexible hours, making sideways move, going freelance etc when the baby arrived. I would also save at least as much as childcare would cost each month to (a) get used to that and (b) put that money into getting secure housing/fund for maternity leave etc. Then by the time I got to 30 I would hopefully be in a good place for having a baby and who knows what would have happened personally in the mean time....

I would also think very carefully about the plan with the 'known donor' and both get legal advice on that. I would want a written agreement between the two of you - it wouldn't be enforceable but it would at least make sure you have thought things through. The thing is that in the situation you have discussed - DIY 'donation' from a known donor - the law won't see him as a donor, it will see him as a father. That means that the law will see him as an equal parent to you whatever you think the situation is. There have been a lot of cases in the courts where these kind of plans have seemed fine when the child was not yet conceived but have got very messy once the child arrived and suddenly the parents had very different ideas of what exactly had been agreed and what was best for the child.

Gosh! you are in a terrible conundrum.
First I would say that you get a job. Secondly be secure in your self. Baby wise your in the right place. Mentally it could threw you off. But financially you may not be. I can see that probably you have got some finance in place because you have managed to get an accommodation without working but is it enough for when you have the child.
Is the father going to help financially at all?
You have to talk to your mother before having the child. Does she live close by ? If not is she willing to move and come and live near by or with you.
Without any help I would have gone bonkers I assure you that.
If I were a lone parent I don't know how I would have manage on the days am in tears. Because the child is not eating properly, not sleeping at night, sick with fever or colic and sometimes they were just tired and that drains the F out you. By the this is from a person who is mentally stable.
You may want it to fill the void for someone else loving you but it may not give you status or any thing else your looking for. A child should be a bonus.
I thought I was going to be the best mum possible but sometimes doubt that when I feel like I could have done things differently.

I feel like someone like me is not good enough to help you out because I don't have the gyno problems, no am I a lone parent but looking after children is not easy.

You don't have to have a baby by thirty. Aspire to other things too. If the baby thing does not happen you will be in deep shit. That could tip you off. Think very carefully.

Please don't push your self because someone else has had a child.

Despite your struggles you sound like you've made some massive achievements.

Go for it!

Get a good stable job and keep it for a year before thinking about babies. You also need somewhere to live.
Having a baby is like jumping off a cliff, that's it, no going back.

I had my baby in a long term relationship, steady money, nice home and.......
It nearly broke me.
14 months of no more than 2 hours sleep at a time.
I still had the money, the relationship and the home.

It is unbelievably tough to look after a baby. It is monotonous to look after a baby.
It can be frustrating to look after a baby, particularly a velcro screamer.
It is exhausting to look after a baby.
It can be frightening to look after a baby, when to call a GP, is this crying normal etc.
It is relentless to look after a baby, it never stops.
You can't pay childcarers whenever you feel like a break. They don't work like that. Plus they cost money, and whatever your income it will be a big issue.
You can't rely 100% on someone like your mum. My mum suffered an accident, broke her arm badly and couldn't help me. She will also has her own life. Her priorities are not mine and the shouldn't be. My baby was MINE.
Being a grandma isn't the same as being a mummy.
If you are ill you have to carry on as normal, take painkillers, suck it up and ocasionally cry into the washing.
Gone are the duvet days and the taking it easy days.

I love love love love my child.
But I don't think I'm strong enough to do this again.

Having said that I find toddlers way easier and little children a breeze.
I just can't do babies.

I'm thinking the same as NoArmaniNoPunani. The conservatives are talking about £12bn cuts, mainly from working aged people. They aren't going to touch the grey vote.

And it's still true you need a good support network. Being in a relationship means you have one other person. As a lone parent, it will be her mum, sisters, brothers, cousins, or friends with children.

I'm sure non of you will disagree that looking after a child is relentless. How often you hear being a mum is already a full time job?

OP - You are not going to like what I will say but please hear me out:

Most people want to be parents at some point in their lives and you are of course not being reasonable to want a baby. HOWEVER, it sounds to me like you are lonely and unhappy, and you want a baby to "complete" you and make you happy. And it sounds like you have a completely unrealistic view of how much time, energy, and effort goes into having a baby.

It would be a much better idea for you to sort your life out for the next couple of years, see if you can perhaps have a relationship that would lead to having a baby together. Work on building yourself up, making friends, doing well professionally. Try to have a life of your own and be happy in that life BEFORE you bring a baby into it, because especially the first year of a baby is very VERY hard, especially if you plan to be on your own and work at the same time. Even women with no history of depression and anxiety struggle with these issues when they have a baby. It really isn't just a wonderful bundle of love to fill all the love-shaped holes in your life and make you whole. Yes, there is love and moments of happiness, but mostly it is about sleep deprivation, lots of crying, and sitting alone trying to get baby to sleep/feed/not scream.

You have every right to want to be a mother, but please sort out the practicalities of your life and find happiness in it before you bring a baby into it.