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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's (yet another) wedding one

63 replies

MrsArthurFarnsbarns · 21/06/2015 08:05

Why do weddings seem to cause so much bloody hassle?

A very longstanding friend told me she is getting married. 2nd marriage after being single for many years so I am very happy for her.

It falls on a weekend when my teenage DSS will be with us (50/50 shared care). Rather than text her to say would it be OK for DSS to come to the wedding, I arranged to chat and explained about DSS, and offered to pay for his meal.

Suddenly it was "That would be great, thanks sure you don't mind paying for your meals" and I was being asked to pay for all three of us!

After a week think about it I feel hurt, but well is that the norm nowadays? Maybe AIBU .... I just think if you are invited to a wedding you don't end up paying like its a night out! I don't want it to sour the relationship.

OP posts:

karbonfootprint · 21/06/2015 08:07

Just pay, it was you that raised it, she obviously misunderstood, but wouldn't have accepted if she hadn't needed the financial input.

ThursdayLast · 21/06/2015 08:08

I should get it out in the open quickly, don't let it simmer.
Perhaps ask how much you owe for DSS meal? Hopefully she just worded her message to you badly - it seems weird she'd expect you to pay for everyone's meals.

Albadross · 21/06/2015 08:08

All the arguments about my upcoming wedding have revolved around DP saying nobody should have to buy any of their drinks or food, and me saying people should because it's so flipping expensive (and also I want people to avoid getting steaming). Of course he won so we're paying :/

Dappy28 · 21/06/2015 08:09

No you arent bring unreasonable. She's beubg very unfair.....unless other guests are expected to pay for their own meals (doesn't sound like this is the case).
Offering to pay for DSS was the right thing to do, goodness knows why she would think just because you are bringing DSS you should all pay.
It's s Shame you didn't make it clearer at the time however Id still bring it up otherwise resentment will fester

arethereanyleftatall · 21/06/2015 08:09

Well you wouldn't normally, but you offered! Misunderstanding that you meant all 3 of you, but I would just suck it up and pay now. Fingers crossed it isn't an expensive wedding.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/06/2015 08:09

That was rude, maybe they've over stretched themselves. I wouldn't get them a gift, or not more than a token. I suppose it's usual to pay to go to someone's birthday meal, so try to think of it like that.

Original poster

MrsArthurFarnsbarns · 21/06/2015 08:17

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your POV as it has been taking up too much of my headspace ( like, grrr I offered to pay for DSS and now it's taking the P!). The reason I offered was because I know how expensive things are!

I did say "DSS will be with us, so is it OK if He joins us? I'm happy to pay for his meal".

Fair do's I did offer then got sucked into saying no problem I'll transfer £xxx into your account why am I such a bloody peoplepleaser?

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 21/06/2015 08:19

Next time you see her say 'It's great that DSS can come to the wedding. As I said, we're happy to pay for his meal. Just checking, you said something about paying for all our meals. Is that right?' Give her a chance either to back track or justify it.

Original poster

MrsArthurFarnsbarns · 21/06/2015 08:21

And just to be clear, it really isn't about the money. I tend to go onto threads about meanness to say I can't bear being tight fisted.

That's why I maybe BU I just can't work out why it's narking me so much. I should just pay and get over myself but grrrr!

OP posts:

SoldierBear · 21/06/2015 08:21

Surely it has to be a typo?
Nobody would expect their invited guests to pay for the food they eat at a wedding - although this case of an additional person like DSS is different. If your budget is small, then you offer your guests what you can afford - you never expect them to pay for the privilege of overpriced mass-catering.

Get back in touch, "Thank you so much! We're delighted DSS can come. Can you let us know how much his meal will be? Can't wait to see you both"

Smartiepants79 · 21/06/2015 08:23

I just think it's rude.
I would never attend a wedding that someone had asked me to pay for.
You don't throw a party in your honour and then expect everyone else to pay for it.
Fair enough that you pay for your DSS BUT the rest of you were invited guests. if you can't afford to pay for peoples meals, invite less people.

Pippa12 · 21/06/2015 08:25

Hmm...that's a strange one! Why don't you just text and say

I'm getting abit confused here, am I paying for all our meals or just DSS? No problem either way just want to be clear. Can't wait!

And see how she replies. Are any of your other friends paying for their own meals?

diddl · 21/06/2015 08:31

I think that it's rude to ask to take someone else tbh.

Why didn't you accept for just you?

But you really need to contact her again.

Unless they've got lots of people asking to add guests on & they've had enough, it seems really odd to me to ask invited guests to now pay!

Purplepoodle · 21/06/2015 08:38

Think u missed the boat. She asked if u were ok paying for all meals, all you had to say was 'sorry I only meant dss'. Sounds like simple crossed wires - her head is probably in the clouds and wasn't listening properly.

pinkyredrose · 21/06/2015 08:42

How old is dss and why must he go to the wedding, does he know your friend?

Original poster

MrsArthurFarnsbarns · 21/06/2015 08:45

Diddl, is it that rude to ask if DSS can come along too, when I explained it's our week of care (and otherwise he will be sitting at home on his own while we went to the wedding?)

Soldier, none of this was by text, it was all verbal. I wanted to avoid the risk of typos and cross-wires

OP posts:

hibbledibble · 21/06/2015 08:45

How much has she asked you to pay?

Original poster

MrsArthurFarnsbarns · 21/06/2015 08:46

Purplepoodle I think you're right I have missed the boat. I should have taken a deep breathe and said "run that by me again. Did you say pay for all our meals"???

OP posts:

ladygracie · 21/06/2015 08:47

Pinky - because he is part of her family. Would you ask the same thing if he was OP's son? As it's 50/50 shared then I'm surprised he wasn't invited anyway.

diddl · 21/06/2015 08:47

If he was wanted there he would have been invited.

Surely his dad could stay with him, or perhaps his mum could have had him back earlier for once?

CuthbertDibble · 21/06/2015 08:49

Will your DSS know anyone at the wedding? He might prefer to stay home alone, failing that, if you share care 50/50 can you not swap that day/weekend?

Shitbit · 21/06/2015 08:51

I think you were very rude to ask if you could bring an extra guest. Why would you? he is a teenager and must have much better places to be than a wedding.

VelvetRose · 21/06/2015 08:53

Ugh weddings and etiquette, very tricky at the best of times. I think I'd do as suggested and ask "sorry I forgot how much you said I owed you for Dss meal". If she reiterates that she expected you to pay for them all say "oh gosh, I didn't realise you meant all of our meals as DH and I were invited in the first place." Then she'll have to think of a reason why it's ok to ask you.

pinkyredrose · 21/06/2015 08:55

shitbit exactly. The teenage boys I know would rather bite their own arm off than go to a wedding of someone they don't even know.

sparechange · 21/06/2015 08:56

I can't believe you phoned her up to ask if you could bring an extra guest! And now have the nerve to ask if she is being rude asking you to pay

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