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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's (yet another) wedding one

63 replies

MrsArthurFarnsbarns · 21/06/2015 08:05

Why do weddings seem to cause so much bloody hassle?

A very longstanding friend told me she is getting married. 2nd marriage after being single for many years so I am very happy for her.

It falls on a weekend when my teenage DSS will be with us (50/50 shared care). Rather than text her to say would it be OK for DSS to come to the wedding, I arranged to chat and explained about DSS, and offered to pay for his meal.

Suddenly it was "That would be great, thanks sure you don't mind paying for your meals" and I was being asked to pay for all three of us!

After a week think about it I feel hurt, but well is that the norm nowadays? Maybe AIBU .... I just think if you are invited to a wedding you don't end up paying like its a night out! I don't want it to sour the relationship.

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 21/06/2015 08:58

Just sounds like a misunderstanding to me. However, being awkward and British, I wouldn't ask to the contrary now, just pay if you can (maybe no present or money gift though).

It does read as if you 'told' her your step son was coming though, instead of asking. How old is he, does he really need to go? As a teen, a wedding full of strangers would sound like the ultimate, boring, nightmare to me. I'd have preferred to stay home myself.

pictish · 21/06/2015 08:59

I agree. He's a teen. Leave him at home fgs!

exLtEveDallasNoBollocks · 21/06/2015 09:00

Could you swap DSS weekend? I know these things are hard, but I think I'd have tried that first. If mum said no then I'd have done the same as you, but maybe explained myself a bit better . Maybe try that now, and then talk to your friend again.

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/06/2015 09:00

I agree with diddl - I wouldn't be at all surprised if she thinks you've been very rude in asking for your DSS to come to the wedding. Does she know him well?

Very odd for her to ask you to pay for all your food though.

MythicalKings · 21/06/2015 09:02

Very rude to ask to bring an extra guest. Instant Karma that you have to pay for all the meals.

Only1scoop · 21/06/2015 09:03

I think it's a bit rude personally to just say 'dss will be with us but we will pay for his meal'

He hadn't been invited.

However a bit odd to ask you as invited guests to pay.

Sounds like crossed wires somewhere.

VelvetRose · 21/06/2015 09:04

It was nice of her to invite him though. Lots of people don't invite children to weddings for any number of reasons.

Only1scoop · 21/06/2015 09:06

I don't think she invited him....I read it as btb was told he would be coming although paid for.

pictish · 21/06/2015 09:06

And look...get in touch to say, "Sorry there's been a misunderstanding. I wasn't offering to pay for all our meals why the hell would I? I was offering to pay for a meal for dss as we have him the weekend of the wedding and were hoping to bring him along. Sorry again."

Then add you've since thought about it and decided to leave him at home.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 21/06/2015 09:11

Actually, (sorry, may have skipped over something), have you actually asked your step son if he wants to go? You have given him the option, not just tried to 'kill two birds with one stone' that weekend in terms of planning what you want to do?

diddl · 21/06/2015 09:11

"Diddl, is it that rude to ask if DSS can come along too, when I explained it's our week of care (and otherwise he will be sitting at home on his own while we went to the wedding?)"

Well yes imo because your childcare isn't her problem!

You either find childcare, don't go or just you go, same as anyone else with kids!

VelvetRose · 21/06/2015 09:17

We're having a very small wedding next year. I've only invited family children. If anyone else asks if they can bring theirs I will say sorry no, if not it'll be unfair to the other people whose kids aren't invited.

pictish · 21/06/2015 09:18

Ahhh maybe the wedding is an overnight jaunt and perhaps the lad is only 13/14. I'd leave my 13 going on 14 yr old son at home all day, but not overnight.

OP are you having to stay overnight? Is that it?

spottybottycream · 21/06/2015 09:22

I had a very small wedding, just me and DH and DS + two witnesses for the ceremony and then 10 friends all in all for a meal afterwards at a nice restaurant. We paid for all the booze and our meals and my guests split the rest equally between them approx £20 each. No gifts. It was a perfect lovely day. If its something like this then YABU if its a big sit down wedding where they had already planned to pay for you YANBU. Mention it, don't be a wus! Say that you think there has been a misunderstanding and you only intend to pay for DSS as he is an extra that they have not planned for.

Athenaviolet · 21/06/2015 09:35

How old is dss?

I find it odd that you asked of he could go.

You got an invite for you & DP. Now you want to add in another guest. At a wedding, where space is at a premium.

Either DSS stays at home or you both miss wedding or you go alone or you swap weekends.

Imo imposing a teen boy the bride doesn't know into her wedding is rude.

SarahJane1324 · 21/06/2015 09:40

Can't you just swap the weekend?

AlpacaMyBags · 21/06/2015 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TopCivilServant · 21/06/2015 09:44

If she's a longstanding friend then I bet that she already considered your DSS and decided she didn't want to invite him.
Ringing and saying he'd be coming but you'd happily pay for his meal is rude.
She's might now be frantically looking at seating plans wondering how she's going to fit him in- it isn't just a cost consideration.
She's also possibly purposefully not invited other children and now runs the risk of having to explain why your DSS is there but they couldn't bring their kids or having to extend the invitation so they are included too.
I think you were unfair to put her on the spot like that without considering how it might impact on her wedding plans.

Sandbrook · 21/06/2015 09:55

I think it's depends on what happened with other invites. If everyone else's children have been invited it would be remiss of them not to invite your dss in the first place.
If this is the case I would ask her about your meals to clear up the confusion.
But it does sound to me like she's annoyed you have asked to invite another guest so that's why she has deliberately misunderstood your offer.

honeysucklejasmine · 21/06/2015 10:03

We did not invite children unless they were my nieces and nephews. It was an intentional decision, or we would have had to find space for another 27 people.

How did you phrase your question, OP? Tbh it might have been better to text, so she had time to think and decide. Put on the spot, it would have been very awkward to say she didn't want him there.

As for what to do now... I would chat again. Ask if she minds him being there. Make it clear you don't mind if she says no. And pay whatever amount she wants you to.

gamerchick · 21/06/2015 10:04

Doesn't that mean you don't have to fork out for a gift?

All wins as far as I can see.

BatteryPoweredHen · 21/06/2015 10:05

is it that rude to ask if DSS can come along too, when I explained it's our week of care (and otherwise he will be sitting at home on his own while we went to the wedding?)

Honestly, yes, it is poor form to ask to bring an uninvited guest, presumably one the B&G don't know.

It's not just about the money for the meal IMO, exchanging your marriage vows is a very special, intimate thing for most couples and they are perfectly entitled to only want to share it with the people they choose.

It's not the same as a family party, BBQ or similar where it would be perfectly reasonable for you to ask. It will have come across as you ignoring the important part of the day (B&G getting married) and focussed instead on your own issues (childcare).

I think she has been very gracious actually, I would probably have said no to him coming tbh.

Lweji · 21/06/2015 10:07

none of this was by text, it was all verbal. I wanted to avoid the risk of typos and cross-wires

Oh, the irony. :)

Only1scoop · 21/06/2015 10:08

BatteryPoweredHen · 21/06/2015 10:09

...and FWIW, I think this would have been better handled via indirect communication (text/email).

I expect she felt really put on the spot.

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