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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH no interest in kicks, pregnancy or birth

56 replies

mikado1 · 20/06/2015 22:03

I know it's probably common but I feel so disappointed that he has zero interest in anything to do with this pregnancy (2nd). The only time he's seen or felt a kick is when I actually ask him to, he replies 'Mmm' to my aches/pains/exhaustion-not sleeping past about 2am, and while I am reading up on and looking forward to the birth I feel my 'birthing partner' actually knows so little. I sometimes think how different it would be if he was pregnant!!!

OP posts:

LokiBear · 20/06/2015 22:06

Have you tried talking to him? I felt like this with dh but when I talked to him he admitted he was afraid. He was worried that something was going to go wrong so went into denial.

Original poster

mikado1 · 20/06/2015 22:06

He replies 'Mmm' to the kicks too which I think is quite sad. A massage or some sympathy for the aches and pains of the last week would be great but I haven't a hope!

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/06/2015 22:07

How long ago was your first pregnancy? I'm surprised you'd want to read up on it.

Casmama · 20/06/2015 22:07

How was he with the first pregnancy?

Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2015 22:09

My DH was never bothered with the bump - ever.

He'd only touch my bump if I told him to as I feeling the baby kick but even then it was very non-committal and he certainly wasn't overly excited by it.

Original poster

mikado1 · 20/06/2015 22:09

X post. Loki I think he would get ultra defensive if I said anything. . He was a bit like this last time but I understood that more as I thought it probably didn't seem as real to him as me, but now he knows what's ahead and has shown no excitement at all

OP posts:

Casmama · 20/06/2015 22:11

Testing I had 4 years between pregnancies and was amazed by how much I'd forgotten so did read up on lots of stuff.

Totality22 · 20/06/2015 22:11

How was he with the first pregnancy?

Original poster

mikado1 · 20/06/2015 22:12

Did it bother you writerwannabe83??

Testingtesting I had a good experience last time and genuinely enjoy reading about birthing techniques etc just to be as prepareda ready as I can be.

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 20/06/2015 22:15

Like I say he was probably similar with first but there were no aches, pains etc and I am not feeling the most cherished with it all!!

OP posts:

Whatamuckingfuddle · 20/06/2015 22:15

My DH was the same, brilliant father but totally uninterested in pregnancies and birth, beyond useless. I found it upsetting but I think maybe some men don't connect until it's there and 'real' to them? What's he like with your older DC now?

AngryBeaver · 20/06/2015 22:17

My dh was also like this. We have been through 5 pregnancies (wll 8 if you count the mcs) he was never bothered. He is also not overly interested in the newborn stage!
In fact we were talking about this last night when he was bathing dd (13 months) in her baby bath.
I said "oh remember when we first bathed her in this, she was all tiny and red and still had her belly button clamp on?"
He groaned and said "ugh, thank god we never have to do that again! New babies are so boring! She is so much more fun now!"

That's not to say he didn't worship and adore each of our babies, he definitely did.
Lots of cuddles and nappy changes etc.
But, he doesn't "like " me much when I'm pregnant. I get very stressed and grumpy, so our relationship changes.

Then as he says, new babies are a bit boring!

I'm sure your dh will be a great dad when the baby arrives :)

Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2015 22:18

mikado - it didn't really bother me to be honest as he was great at all the scans (I was scanned monthly) and he came with me to all my Consultant appointments (every 4 weeks) he just wasn't fond of the bump.

I have just asked him why he was so disinterested in the bump and he said he wasn't sure, it just freaked him out a little to think there was a baby inside me

Original poster

mikado1 · 20/06/2015 22:27

Thanks all. He is great with ds, although a bit quick to anger at times, but they adore one another. I just feel very disappointed.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 20/06/2015 22:33

Mine was intrigued during my first pregnancy and liked putting his hand onto my bump and feeling the kicks. Sometimes he could even feel the regular knocking as she had hiccups inside me.

Less so with the two subsequent pregnancies, although he was every bit as invested in the babies themselves when they arrived and saw all of them being born.

Sometimes we would be sitting watching TV in the evening and in the later stages of pregnancy he would notice my clothes shift slightly as the baby moved and kicked. He would often comment then, but it did get less as time went by.

I think it just doesn't feel so real to them as it does when the baby is suddenly there.

Hillijx · 20/06/2015 22:33

My dh has been the same with all 3 of mine, and like angrybeaver, not bothered with the newborn stage either. I know he cared as when we nearly lost one he got very upset but when it went back to normal he just carried on being irritated by the whole affair (like he was the one awake at 2am and having to push a human out of himself?!) he joked this time that he will have her in a years time as dd's 1&2 both became daddies girls! I think some men just don't connect with them when they are in the tummy as they don't feel them and worry about them every minute maybe? Doesn't mean that they don't care....some are just tools in showing us mummy's to be the attention we deserve!

Jengnr · 20/06/2015 22:37

My husband is actively freaked out by the bump and won't watch movement or kicks etc. He isn't interested in the birth either - he'll pretty much do as I tell him. It's our 2nd but 1st was a section and we're planning VBAC this time so neither of us know what to expect really.

He'll ask how I'm feeling and do stuff for me (like sleep in our son's room so I can sleep/toss and turn all night) but he's not very 'involved' with the pregnancy. I think he would do my head in a bit if he was though.

AnitaManeater · 20/06/2015 22:45

my DH wouldn't touch my bumps, no interest in the pregnancies at all apart from turning up at scans as and when he was asked to. He was ok at the births, kept out the way which is what I wanted. I don't like being massaged or prodded! He was terrified of them all as newborns and only really stopped panicking when they were about 6 weeks old. No,problems at all now though.

littlejohnnydory · 21/06/2015 09:13

Yeah, after the first baby my dh admitted he was bored by the pregnancy. He adored them once they were here. I don't think it's much of a problem though.

Athenaviolet · 21/06/2015 09:18

What a depressing thread.

Why do these men have babies they are so disinterested in?

LindyHemming · 21/06/2015 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTedCrilly · 21/06/2015 09:28

I get you. It's lovely to share the experience, get excited together, get some understanding for aches/pains etc. It sounds like you're almost going through it alone and he's just waiting for the good parts. You are incubating his offspring for gods sake!

TendonQueen · 21/06/2015 09:29

What is he like day to day otherwise? Does he do stuff for you, is he considerate, is he affectionate, does he realise when you're tired and pick up the slack? Does he do his share of bed time, bath time, taking DS out to places, playing with him?

treaclesoda · 21/06/2015 09:36

My DH was completely uninterested in pregnancy. He never touched my bump or anything like that, and he certainly wasn't interested in reading books about pregnancy or anything.

But he is an excellent dad, very hands on and was very involved right from when they were newborns.

It was upsetting when I was pregnant, but it wasn't an indication of him being a terrible dad. Or a terrible person.

OwlsEscapade · 21/06/2015 09:40

My DH was always excited about having a new baby but he wasn't interested in the pregnancy at all. He would be nice to me if I was feeling ill but other than that I think he was just waiting for the birth. I didn't think it was unusual. . It didn't bother me.

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