Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DH no interest in kicks, pregnancy or birth

56 replies

mikado1 · 20/06/2015 22:03

I know it's probably common but I feel so disappointed that he has zero interest in anything to do with this pregnancy (2nd). The only time he's seen or felt a kick is when I actually ask him to, he replies 'Mmm' to my aches/pains/exhaustion-not sleeping past about 2am, and while I am reading up on and looking forward to the birth I feel my 'birthing partner' actually knows so little. I sometimes think how different it would be if he was pregnant!!!

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 21/06/2015 09:49

"my DH wouldn't touch my bumps, no interest in the pregnancies at all apart from turning up at scans as and when he was asked to."

OH was the same. He never read any books on pregnancy and labour either, but I didn't expect him to. I think that some women have unrealistic expectations about their partners when pregnant.

When DD was a few weeks old we nearly lost her and she had some medical issues for a few years. It was clear that OH loved her and was as worried as I was. I think that because men don't get pregnant they just don't feel the same level of involvement before the baby is born.

"Why do these men have babies they are so disinterested in?"

They are interested in their babies - after they are born. I don't think I would like to touch another person's bump either.

madmother1 · 21/06/2015 09:50

My husband freaked out when i was pregnant and had a 6 month affair. So count yourself lucky......lol xxx (I'm not with him now)

Dansak · 21/06/2015 09:55

My mum said to me after I was moaning about it, some woman become mothers as soon as they get the positive result and some men don't become fathers until they hold the baby. I found this to be quite true.

Bunbaker · 21/06/2015 09:57

She has hit the nail on the head Dansak

contractor6 · 21/06/2015 09:57

As a pregnant lady, I am fascinated but changes to my body, but it is happening all to me not dh, so whilst he's not as excited as me I know he will be once he gets to actively partake if that makes sense? Also when I can feel it kicking, he cant always so maybe hes disinterested cos cant feel anything but doesn't want to hurt feelings?

123Jump · 21/06/2015 09:58

Mikado1, how was he during the birth? Would you consider having someone else as your birth partner?

contractor6 · 21/06/2015 09:59

Xpost with dansak, and you put exactly what was thinking in better way

GraceGrape · 21/06/2015 10:00

Agree that some men just can't seem to get their head around pregnancy being an actual baby. DH was like this. I found it upsetting and told him so and he tried to show more interest but clearly it didn't come naturally. There was even less interest the second time round. He was besotted with Dd1 from birth though. DD2 he wasn't really interested in till she was a toddler! Both daddies girls now though.

Equally, I have known male friends who are extremely interested in the pregnancy and read all the books wtc. I wouldn't say I notice any differences on parenting once the baby is actually here though.

MoonriseKingdom · 21/06/2015 10:07

For you the pregnancy is a very real thing you experience constantly. For men I think the idea of a baby is abstract and it is very common for them to find it hard to engage. My DH dutifully went to NCT class with me but the only time he was really interested was in the scans (I think it was mainly the technology he was excited by).

However, he intervened on my behalf when I was very vulnerable in labour and no medical staff were listening. He saved me from an intervention that I felt was the wrong thing to do (am a doctor myself) and was about to happen without my proper consent. That was better than any months of excitement and feeling the baby kick. He is also a super dad.

If he is a good dad to your first baby don't stress it - he will be there for you when it really matters.

EatDessertFirst · 21/06/2015 10:15

DP was like this with both our pregnancies. He often woke up with an elbow/foot/hand (babies' not mine!) shoved in his back! I think he found it quite freaky!

Different story from the moment they were born. He held them both first, changed first nappies, and has been an utterly devoted father ever since.

slightlyconfused85 · 21/06/2015 14:58

Dh is the same, 2nd pregnancy and he just can't get excited over kicks, baby clothes, pushchairs Etc. Ocassionally he says hello to the bump...tbh it's just the way he is. He adored dd the second she was here and no doubt will adore number 2- he just can't get excited until it's a reality.

VenusRising · 21/06/2015 15:17

Your second pregnancy is the "just get on with it" one. Sorry.

Been there got the large tee shirt.

The thing about man I find I'd that they are often worrying about money and having the responsibility of now a big family- one baby is quite different from two children and a wife who is taking time out on mat leave, or possibly more to be a SAHP.
The juggling and multi tasking that is now necessary can be quite a shock to blokes who think of themselves as men, as opposed to fathers.

Some men don't 'get' the second baby until they meet him or her.

Ime most men are worry worts who think in financial terms about fatherhood. Your second pregnancy is a physical thing happening to your body and there is a huge worry that if it all goes tits up, he'll be left with two young kids to look after and hold down a job to provide from them too!

You need to down play the aches and pains to your DH as he's not on that wavelength, ask him to do very concrete things for you if you need help.

Ask him about his feelings and explore his worries with him. Make plans to ease the situation.
Complain to your girlfriends about your aches and pains, he's not on that wavelength- and that's actually a good thing.
You don't want him to be your carer after all: you're not ill, just pregnant.

Book yourself into have a massage, but don't expect your DH to be your midwife. Think about getting a doula if you need extra support and doubt he'll be any use to you at the birth.

I bet he'll be a super dad, so don't worry about it too much.

Original poster

mikado1 · 21/06/2015 15:31

Thanks again everyone. He is a great dad and spends lots of time with ds. I suppose re birth he was absolutely 'present' and overall very positive but because I am reading about breathing and positions etc, I'd like him have some idea of how to help. To the pp who said they wouldn't want to touch anyone's bump, this is his baby in there after all! My 3yo ds is giving it more attention! He was v good from word go last time and think finances definitely a bit on his mind too. Thanks for the perspectives

OP posts:

keeptothewhiteline · 21/06/2015 15:40

My Oh was exactly the same.
Didn't even come to scans. Probably would have preferred not to have been present at birth if he had a choice.

he had quite a hands off approach to our babies too. I breastfed, and firstborn was very small and was breastfeeding constantly.

However- and this is a big HOWEVER, since our children hit the 2-3 years mark he has been the most fantastic father. Even now our kids are teenagers he is totally devoted to them and they love him completely.
He is quite an "old fashioned" man, but a totally brilliant father.

mrsfuzzy · 21/06/2015 15:48

let's be honest, how can a pregnancy be that interesting for a man? they don't get the emotional and physical aspects, it's all geared towards mum to be, new borns, are not beautiful and, yes,they are boring, but things change quickly and most dads become hands on.

Goshthatsspicy · 21/06/2015 16:38

I wasn't particularly interested in my own pregnancy.
I can understand how he feels.

teatowel · 21/06/2015 17:16

My DH didn't get the being cherished bit either.It was business as usual as far as he was concerned. eg Why don't you feel like a 10 mile walk- this a month before his first child was born. He didn't change for the others either. I envy women who get cherished!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/06/2015 17:38

dh is, I feel, exceptionally squeamish.

Last night he was annoyed that I showed him a cute picture of a ray fish when he was eating.

I shouldn't have been surprised when he was freaked out by kicks and ripples, but I was. It is disappointing, isn't it. However, as pp have said, its no indication of his love/desire for you or his baby.

Jengnr · 21/06/2015 17:44

athenaviolet

They're interested in their babies. Just not the pregnancy part. It's not happening to them, it's not as all consuming and it's a difficult concept to grasp for them.

Original poster

mikado1 · 21/06/2015 20:02

Keeptothewhiteline, you were very patient in those early years-that lack of involvement would have caused big problems for me. Glad he showed himself to be a great dad in the end :)

OP posts:

Happfeet2911 · 21/06/2015 21:50

To be honest my OH had no real interest until the boy could kick a football, you're asking too much expecting him to be that into an embryo. Most men are the same, it doesn't mean as much to them!

AngryBeaver · 21/06/2015 22:39

Athenaviolet.
Why even bother commenting!
Didn't you read the responses?
There are plenty of loving fathers that are disinterested in bumps. If the disinterest continued, then I would agree with you.
But if you bother to read, it doesn't.
My husband is one of 5 children. He has seen his own mother pregnant often and I have been pregnant for the best part of 9 years. I don't blame him for being bored of it all!

And newborns ARE boring.
Gorgeous and snuggly and prefect. But boring.
Dh is a very attentive, protective father and loves fiercely.
So I think he would take exception to the fact that someone thought he shouldn't bother having kids because he is not hyperventilating over another pregnancy.
How self righteous you sound

To reiterate op, everyone is different. Not all men enjoy the pregnancy part, morning sickness, mood swings, lack of sex, fear, tons of reasons. Some might PRETEND to enjoy it! At least for the first pregnancy. Because that's what society expects.
I'm sure all will be well

Socalled · 21/06/2015 23:09

This thread is depressing, and sounds like a pregnancy version of the 'Oh, men can't see dirt, the poor useless loves!' line.

In response to the 'it's not happening to them, so why would they be interested?' position, my lesbian friend is expecting a baby with her partner, who is the one carrying the baby. It's not happening to my friend, she has never been pregnant herself, and the baby has no genetic link to her, but you could not find anyone more fascinated and involved.

Why wouldn't it be inherently interesting and involving to watch the astonishing consequences of sex changing your partner's body as she grows a whole new person?

AngryBeaver · 21/06/2015 23:16

Yes, I don't agree with the "they do t understand because it's not happening to them" angle, either. You don't need to experience something to feel empathy, or interest.
BUT, as somebody else said I found my own pregnancies to be entirely unenjoyable experiences (after the first).
So, I understand that dh isn't really interested.
I don't think it's depressing at all. Just honest.
We are all inherently different ...we shouldn't be shamed into feeling like we must all experience the same set of feelings in situations.
THAT is depressing.

treaclesoda · 21/06/2015 23:17

I don't think it's like the 'men can't see the dirt' thing.

I'm not interested in pregnancy myself tbh. I had to go through it, I had no choice. But I didn't find it fascinating and amazing. I found it tedious and uncomfortable, with occasional moments of sheer joy and amazement. Also in my first pregnancy I was seriously ill, plus it was an unplanned pregnancy that my husband just didn't want to be happening. He probably wasn't in the best frame of mind. I know I wasn't.

But he was so engaged from the moment she was born. And that's the important bit for me.

It is possible to be not interested in pregnancy but very interested in your own babies.

Conversely, some men are very into the pregnancy thing, as it is a source of pride for them, a 'look what I've done' thing, and worse, a control thing. And then they aren't actually interested in the baby who eventually emerges.

Flip

1 2 3