to cancel attending a wedding where our dietery needs can't be met

[IrritableBitchSyndrome]

My two year old DD has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts, so we have a nut free household and she and I avoid nuts. We were invited to a family wedding months ago which is now a couple of weeks away. We RSVP'd with dietery requirements months ago as requested. This week, the bride has heard from the caterers that they can't provide safe food for my daughter and I, so we have been asked to bring our own. I'm a bit stumped on how to do this as we are staying in a hotel a long way from home, won't have access to a kitchen, refridgeration etc, and will be going from the church to the meal to the reception making for a 12 hour outing in total with two meals to cover. We would need to bring lunch and dinner for me and my DD, in a format that doesn't need cooling, heating, preparing at the smart lunch table, and in my case follows the FODMAP IBS friendly diet so I'm not stuck on the loo all day the next day and unable to go home :s FODMAP diet means no lactose, gluten, onions, garlic, pulses, and avoiding certain fruits, in brief. I'm reluctant to cancel, we've bought new wedding outfits, booked a hotel, and it would be lovely to be there and see everyone, but I'm a bit stumped. I could take bananas and a bag of salad...? I'm not comfortable at big formal events at the best of times so the thought of standing out in this way is just cringingly awful to me, making me want to just hide under my duvet for a week! Should we just apologise and cancel? Seems so rude this close to the event. I'm gutted the caterers can't provide nut free food. I wasn't expecting a FODMAP friendly meal, but it's meat and veg and potato which would have been pretty fine for me.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I hadn't thought of that. Def worth thinking about. Although it might make it harder to 'be there' that way but maybe better than not being there at all.

With ref to the new labelling laws, does that mean manufacturers MUST state if items have been made in a factory or on a line handling allergens? or is it that they can choose what to put on their labels?

The thing about outgrowing any allergy is that you may but you equally may not. DD had an anaphylactic reaction a 6 months old. we were told to strictly avoid things with may contain or made on a line handling nuts. Her reaction was so scary that I ended up being so careful so as not risk having to use an epipen. We have flown before but it is so so stressful and there were recent stories in the press of children reacting on flights to people eating nuts despite being asked not to, that I just cant put DD or myself through that.

We were told by the allergy doctor that by 2 most grow out of their allergies, she didn't. the next milestone was 3. didn't happen. the next was 5, again no change. Someone said about a 7 year cycle so will see at her apt later this year if that has happened. Last year the doc said its looking unlikely now for her and I have finally stopped waiting for her to outgrow them. I have been on anti depressants for a few years as a result of the anxiety caused by this and came off them recently because I think I finally accepted that I cant wiat for them to go away. Hopefully your child will be lucky and outgrow their allergy. Don't give up hope, but don't also pin all your focus waiting for it to happen like I did.

When my sister announced she was getting married in Italy my heart sank. I am so happy for her but can't get excited at all about it because of this. I probably sound selfish but it's a coping mechanism as I sometimes feel like I'm on the brink of despair as its just such a difficult thing for my DD to deal with and for us as a family.

Sorry OP, I don't mean to derail your thread or make it about me. I posted as lots of posters were saying surely this or that and it really gets to me and I just wanted to say you're not alone and I understand. I found, when I told people or asked for help, people were very quick to roll their eyes or say I must have caused it by being too clean or I must be suffering with pfb syndrome. It's properly tough it would be good if peeps wouldn't judge me quite so much.

So the OP RSVPed with dietary requirements MONTHS ago and only heard back this week.

Re. the Italian wedding.....Newbie dont go. I come from an Italian family and you wont be able to make sure that they wont give your child something she is allergic too. Older ppl especially wont listen. Part of the culture over there is to give bambino anything they want foodwise.

DS had 3 allergies (partiality grown out of them now). When we went to a friend's wedding, the caterers were great at takingredients into account the needs of his and other's dietary needs...

Except after giving us the plain, unbuttered potatoes for him, they didn't tell me that the vegetables were all contaminated with butter which I didn't realise until giving him seconds and seeing it in the bottom of the bowl.

Half the guests were woken in the night by him screaming with abdominal cramps as he was carried through the accommodation following a nappy explosion. Two days later we were on holiday where fortunately we had a washing machine to deal with the clothes that he kept exploding through.

It sucks, but where a food order is being given out to umpteen people simultaneously, it does create a greater risk of error.

I used to keep a long life toddler ready meal that could be eaten cold in my changing bag for when I was insure that DS's needs could be met.

@newbie I've found Italy pretty good on the whole but you do have to think forwards backwards and sideways. If you speak Italian/know the chef then it could be fairly straightforward but it's too many issues then you will just get stressed.

It is massively emotional and can be an absolute roller-coaster (not least because you need to be far more vigilant than normal - all that anxiety is quite useful). We have given up on DD growing out of things, we just control everything very carefully, and have come to be happy in our own space or with friends who absolutely understand.

Bit of an update - the bride and bride's mum have now sorted things out with the caterers. I'm really touched that they went to the effort as we are not immediate family and they have SO MUCH to do this close to the wedding. So, definitely going. Still really grateful for all the help and suggestions on this thread, as we are likely to come up against similar situations in future and I feel much better prepared to handle them now. Thanks MN'ers, you're awesome! NewbieCrafter - yes. It is really stressful, some people can be a 'pleasant' mixture of ignorant, critical and opinionated which can really get a person down! It's surprising that politely trying to protect your child from possible death by asphyxiation can be so irritating to some people, isn't it? My mum appears to think I'm making the whole thing up, despite being present at my DDs allergy skin prick test where her little arm ballooned due to the nut tests. 'Friends' bringing nut containing snacks to my house or to baby groups and looking irritated as I frantically clear up any crumbs surprised me too. It seems to be hard for people to grasp that something that is a safe and nutritious food for their child is potentially deadly to mine. So far, we've only had the one big scary allergic reaction and avoided nuts successfully so far, but it can make me feel a bit crazy. Snatching snacks out of people's hands to read the ingredients as they offer them to my toddler can be a bit of a shock for people! I am hoping she will outgrow it. If not, we will keep on keeping her safe, despite the hostility and eye rolling of onlookers ;)

Great news! Hope you all enjoy yourselves.

Xxx

I have a serious nut allergy and carried adrenaline long before the epi-pen was invented. Sadly I've never grown out of it. Your consultant is dangerous, I very seldom need my epi-pen but an anaphylactic reactions happens so quickly, ambulances can no longer be guaranteed and they don't all carry adrenaline. Not a risk I'm prepared to take.

I don't know what others have suggested but I would go to the wedding but not eat there at all. I would discreetly slope off to a cafe or take a picnic or something but I would not be preparing my dinner/eating sandwiches at a formal wedding dinner or buffet because I wouldn't want to eat a packed lunch while everyone is having a proper sit down dinner. I would then return after i'd eaten and do the same in the evening as well if it was all day. Like you say, you want to go to the wedding but the meal situation is tricky. I know it might mean you'd miss out on speeches or whatever but you'd not feel part of it anyway imho.

Just seen your no epipens post.

I am speechless. Your dd's consultant will not issue her with epipens, even though she has severe nut allergy, because it's your responsibility. Bloody hell. My DD has allergies and since age 3 she has had epipens. I think you need to change consultants.