to cancel attending a wedding where our dietery needs can't be met

[IrritableBitchSyndrome]

My two year old DD has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts, so we have a nut free household and she and I avoid nuts. We were invited to a family wedding months ago which is now a couple of weeks away. We RSVP'd with dietery requirements months ago as requested. This week, the bride has heard from the caterers that they can't provide safe food for my daughter and I, so we have been asked to bring our own. I'm a bit stumped on how to do this as we are staying in a hotel a long way from home, won't have access to a kitchen, refridgeration etc, and will be going from the church to the meal to the reception making for a 12 hour outing in total with two meals to cover. We would need to bring lunch and dinner for me and my DD, in a format that doesn't need cooling, heating, preparing at the smart lunch table, and in my case follows the FODMAP IBS friendly diet so I'm not stuck on the loo all day the next day and unable to go home :s FODMAP diet means no lactose, gluten, onions, garlic, pulses, and avoiding certain fruits, in brief. I'm reluctant to cancel, we've bought new wedding outfits, booked a hotel, and it would be lovely to be there and see everyone, but I'm a bit stumped. I could take bananas and a bag of salad...? I'm not comfortable at big formal events at the best of times so the thought of standing out in this way is just cringingly awful to me, making me want to just hide under my duvet for a week! Should we just apologise and cancel? Seems so rude this close to the event. I'm gutted the caterers can't provide nut free food. I wasn't expecting a FODMAP friendly meal, but it's meat and veg and potato which would have been pretty fine for me.

Avoiding nuts just means not eating nuts, not avoiding anything that might have come into contact with someone whose wife ate a nut. I have a nut allergy, and would happy to eat meat (assuming no stuffing or pesto) and plain veg. I'd be wary of fancy breads, salads with sprinkly bits, anything with a crunchy topping, and would always ask about puddings. Goats cheese often gets nuts sprinkled on top. But while very few places will guarantee a nut free meal, everywhere will inform you if nuts are part of the ingredients.

Jasper - thanks for your insight. I will continue to avoid nuts and food potentially contaminated by nuts or traces of nuts for my DD, and myself, as advised by her consultant, until I am medically advised otherwise. I'm not actually seeking medical advice in this thread.

Jasper, I'm allergic to nuts too and I'm fine with simply keeping away from nuts too, but some people have a very serious reaction to minute traces of nuts and do need to be more careful than us.

Op can't you just take a cool bag with stuff you normally eat in?

Jasper - having read back my last post it comes across a bit harshly, which wasn't my intention.

But IBS, we all are avoiding the allergens as advised by our allergicians, many of us may have nut free houses, but we carry the epipen for those times when an allergen makes it into our food despite all of our control checks.

You don't need to wait for an epipen until she is 5, I have seen 2 and 3 years olds who have been prescribed one.

Thinking back to the cool box/bag suggestions. Sometimes I use bags of ice cubes instead of cool blocks if I know that I won't be anywhere near a freezer for a few days. You can get party bags of ready-made ice cubes in most supermarkets.

Once you arrive at the hotel, pop into the local shops and get a cool box or bag and some ice. That will save you carrying it on the train.

Will the room not have a mini bar (fridge) if not take a small plug in mini fridge with you

What do you usually eat out? Surely you have to be away from home at other points over the next 3 years?

Buy a cool bag, freeze those thin cool packs plus freeze squeezy fruit purées so they keep everything else cold whilst they thaw. Take a roast veggie dish with gluten free pasta or cold new potatoes , ok at room temp for 48 hrs. Add fruit and other snacks.

I wouldnt go, but then I hate going to peoples weddings anyway

Would your daughter eat a hipp organic toddler meal at room temp?

Cool bag with food and snacks to keep you both through the day.

My DS2 has various allergies/intolerances and we do this regularly. I just refuse for him to miss out on occasions because of his food problems.

Yes it's not ideal, but then again this way he can eat a decent diet suitable for him. And I can make it varied. And 2 cold meals for a day won't cause harm.

or cancel hotel and find an apartment/aparthotel with cooking facilities, and dont go to the meal

As far as your IBS is concerned can't you just take immodium before you start eating, and at regular intervals? Then it's only DD you have to worry about.

Hi OP

I really feel for you.

We have a similar situation except its a wedding abroad and my sister who Is getting married.

My DD has multiple allergies. Flying scares the life out of me so not sure how we are going to get to Italy, during school time which is another issue. Due to my DD's allergies, it is impossible to eat out and I cook everything from scratch so no idea how we get to Italy, shop for ingredients and cook food and then have it ready to have at the wedding meal.

To the poster who said surely a couple of sandwiches wont hurt, no they won't but people really don't understand just how stressful it is. Being around people eating things that could send your child to hospital is scary. My DD is 7 and it is a bit easier now that she is older, but not so easy as she is still very allergic. I also cant eat gluten and dairy so like the OP, I have to be extra careful about what I eat otherwise I would also not be able to leave the loo and travel back home.

My sister has said she understands if we cant be there and I am seriously considering this. It is a shame but I will be so stressed out and will be constantly on edge and very aware of being different that I cant imagine it will be a fun thing to go to. Breaks my heart thinking of not going as I love my sister dearly but I do have serious concerns for my DD's well being so may well have to miss out.

OP, would you be able to take a frozen home cooked meal, and a pot and ask if you can use the hotel kitchen? The meal could defrost on the day. For breakfast hotels sometimes have kelloggs rice krispies/cornflakes in little boxes which are sealed and nut free. You could take some home baked cakes or biscuits and have those for breakfast too.

It's hard that we cant just go and stay in a hotel and enjoy the event like everyone else, but its sadly just the way it is. Allergies are a fucking nightmare. I never swear but allergies should just f off to the far side of f and then f off some more.

I hope you manage to figure something out. Good luck.
ps apologies for all the typos. on a dodgy keyboard.

Newbiecrafter - urgh urgh and urgh some more! Your Sister's Italian wedding sounds like a real nightmare in your situation! I will update in a couple of weeks after our wedding adventure in case I come up with anything that might be useful to you. How long would you have to be away for? What foods do you need to avoid?

I think it's an impossible request to have the caterers guarantee a nut free meal free of any slight nut contamination and it's definitely a very real liability issue so their response is not surprising. My friend has some very severe food allergies and when we eat out she gives the waiter a laminated card listing all her food allergies. Most of the time the chefs can work around her restrictions but they never ever promise that they can provide a contamination free meal, she just lives with that risk.

Honestly, invest in an electric coolbox. You can buy an adapter for it to use in a hotel room. We bring ours when we stay overnight in Premier Inns to store snacks, bits for sandwiches, cheese, etc.

Altinkum the new regs made it illegal to use the "may contain" or "traces of" cop out, but ingredients can state food has been prepared in a factory that handles other allergens

thanks irritable. Really hope you manage to figure something out so you can go and have some fun.

My DD is allergic to lots and lots of everyday foods. If you take the top 14 foods that companies are obliged to declare, she's got them all apart from dairy. She is also allergic to lots of other things so it's basically impossible to relax in situations where there's and event with food around. and despite what a previous poster above said, we have had to deal with reactions due to contact on skin or crumbs and not just by eating the offending item. Allergies unfortunately don't behave the same way with everyone so one persons experience isn't a guarantee of another's. Your mother's instinct is right so don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're doing something wrong.

It sounds like you're doing really well managing with something that I think is really stressful and very difficult.

wishing you and your family well, and yes please to any tips that you find work for you at the wedding.

By the way I second what a previous poster, when DD was little we did find one HIPP jar that she could have and it was often easy to get a tub of hot water to stand the jar in to heat the jar up at hotels so might be worth trying that.

Newbiecrafter - if the worst came to the worst, and you couldn't go to the wedding, could,you attend 'virtually' - via FaceTime or Skype? Apologies if you have already thought of this.

I am horrified that you haven't been prescribed an epipen! My DD had an anaphalyctic reaction to cashew nut butter at 15 months and the hospital told me they were pretty certain the only reason she survived long enough to get to the hospital for an epi shot was because I'd given her Piriton when she first started to react. We were prescribed 2 Epipens on release from hospital and we carry them everywhere (she's now 2.5).

The reaction happened 5 weeks before we were due to go to a wedding in Italy on a chestnut farm (to add to the stress!) and we were fortunate enough to get a cancellation to test her for all nuts the week before we flew. She's horribly allergic to cashew nuts, pistachio nuts and peanuts. The wedding had pistachio nut ice cream served mid-afternoon, we left for that bit! I also took a card explaining her allergy in Italian so I could show in in every restaurant we ate in to check the food.

I feel for you as it's such a stressful thing to have to deal with. Good to hear the bride's happy for you to nip in and out.

At her recent review we were to lots of children outgrow nut allergies by 8, although cashew hangs on the longest, but I live in hope.

Metalguru - interesting! I had noticed food labelling change dramatically recently but didn't know about new regs. BadgerFace - I hadn't heard the 'most children outgrow by 8' - will ask consultant mid July (after badgering for epi-pen!)

Take tinned or ambient meals that are safe for your DD. No fridge problems. That's what we do for music festivals with my multiply allergic DD.

• pasta and sauce
• baked beans
• straight to wok noodles
• M&S posh cans
• kit kats

Not lovely but does the job.