to cancel attending a wedding where our dietery needs can't be met

[IrritableBitchSyndrome]

My two year old DD has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts, so we have a nut free household and she and I avoid nuts. We were invited to a family wedding months ago which is now a couple of weeks away. We RSVP'd with dietery requirements months ago as requested. This week, the bride has heard from the caterers that they can't provide safe food for my daughter and I, so we have been asked to bring our own. I'm a bit stumped on how to do this as we are staying in a hotel a long way from home, won't have access to a kitchen, refridgeration etc, and will be going from the church to the meal to the reception making for a 12 hour outing in total with two meals to cover. We would need to bring lunch and dinner for me and my DD, in a format that doesn't need cooling, heating, preparing at the smart lunch table, and in my case follows the FODMAP IBS friendly diet so I'm not stuck on the loo all day the next day and unable to go home :s FODMAP diet means no lactose, gluten, onions, garlic, pulses, and avoiding certain fruits, in brief. I'm reluctant to cancel, we've bought new wedding outfits, booked a hotel, and it would be lovely to be there and see everyone, but I'm a bit stumped. I could take bananas and a bag of salad...? I'm not comfortable at big formal events at the best of times so the thought of standing out in this way is just cringingly awful to me, making me want to just hide under my duvet for a week! Should we just apologise and cancel? Seems so rude this close to the event. I'm gutted the caterers can't provide nut free food. I wasn't expecting a FODMAP friendly meal, but it's meat and veg and potato which would have been pretty fine for me.

I don't eat nut-trace food either as a) toddler is still breastfeeding and b) keeping toddler out of my food is not easy enough that I would feel safe risking it a long way from home! :)

The fodmap thing only becomes an issue in trying to find something to bring with us to eat. GF bread is full of insoluble starches to give it bread texture so is equally bad for IBS. The caterers can't reheat stuff except in the kitchen which is then a contamination risk.

I think it's quite harsh to stay 'life cannot stop for allergies'. Nut allergy can be very serious and life threatening. It's not just a bit of bloat if you eat something that doesn't agree with you. No one wants to have to epi-pen their child at a wedding.

I can also understand feeling self conscious at a posh meal when you have to get out your own food. You don't want to look fussy. I'd just explain briefly to the rest of the table that the caterers couldn't accommodate your daughter's allergies.

Surely the venue could store your food in their fridge. I think you may have to go very simple - packed lunch style for both meals (whatever you would usually have for a packed lunch).

I still think you should go though. Hope you all have a nice time :)

I wouldn't go. It sounds like it would be incredibly stressful to take her.

She's only 2. No one will think twice about he having a picnic for he lunch. The evening meal is probably a buffet anyway.

Just do the best you can with the meal and pack her some sandwiches.

Im confused - you arent allergic to nuts yourself?
If not just have the meal and take snacks for 2yo.
Mine rarely has a meal to herself anyway.

I did start from the 'oh that'll be fine we'll just do a packed lunch' premise... It's not that DD 'has to have a hot meal' it's more 'nowhere to keep anything cool' or prep anything. We don't eat out much, as only McDonalds and Wetherspoons can provide nut safe food and I dislike both :) as Seriouslyffs highlighted above, I have no intention of asking the already stressed and overloaded brides mum to cater for us! She and the couple have enough to do without worrying about our weird food issues! :) I'm just suffering a serious lack of imagination I think!

So you need them to both guarantee no nuts (which is v hard to guarantee and most places won't even if they are 99.9% safe, just in case and you sue) AND you want 'no lactose, gluten, onions, garlic, pulses, and avoiding certain fruits'?

You are having a total giraffe expecting caterers at a mass catered wedding to be able to do that.

Just take two nice cold pack ups of whatever food you and DD can eat. Doesn't have to be hot.

I think you are being very unreasonable in expecting the caterers to come with an edible dish for you, considering your complex diet and response to the ingredients, when they will be so pressured on the day on serving many people at the same time.

If the venue has a restaurant, you may consider ordering from their menu, but you really shouldn't be making the bride or close family's special day about your dietary needs. You can't simply NOT expect them to get it right (or miss the action while keeping an eye on your food).

Most venues are pretty accommodating and happy to put your food in the fridge until you need it, so there shouldn't be much of a problem to bring some nice sandwiches, allergen free deserts, or even a cold Pasta salad. Just leave them at the place where food will be served, before you go to church or get a good ice bag/box to keep it fresh. It is not rocket science.

Lots of restaurants can and do cater for nut allergies. They check ingredients and make sure food for the allergic person is prepared separately using freshly cleaned equipment. I suppose mass catering for a wedding might be different and it does depend on the type of food (some cuisines more nut-based than others). We eat nuts at home but when my nephew with a nut allergy comes over then I take extra special care.

And you can easily keep food cool!!! You put it in a cool bag with ice blocks. Jeez Louise you're making this hard.

CorBlimeyTrousers ... worse than that, DDs consultant doesn't issue epi-pens before school age as it's my responsibility to avoid exposing her to nuts, 'nurseries are very aware these days' and 'no one needs an epi-pen until they are a teenager!!' That is a whole other AIBU waiting to happen :)

Could you buy one of those 12v cool boxes for your car to keep the food in?

TBH you need to get used to this. Your DD will presumably always have this issue and so unless you are only ever going to eat at home then you will need to start thinking of ways to feed her when you're away without access to a kitchen.

Why can't you take a range of cold foods in a cool bag with ice packs? Are you driving? If you are staying over could you pop out to a local cafe/supermarket to get fresh stuff?

I bet your hotel has a refrigerated mini bar. You could store stuff in there and take a cool bag to the reception.

What do you usually eat at home? I wouldn't have a clue what to make to avoid all those things!

Surely you know what you can and can't eat so just take that. Get a small cool bag to put stuff in, you will use it loads in future as not many places could cater for that degree

Whois - we're in a hotel the night before. No fridge, no ice blocks, no 'popping food into fridge at venue'...

We're going on the train, and don't drive so no car/cool box.

you buy ice blocks - freeze them - add them to the cool bag - keep it closed - food stays cold - for 24 hours or more

I'm struggling to grasp a consultant not prescribing an epi pen or a parent not demanding a second opinion or visiting a doctor who will

or buy a cheap plug in camping fridge - mine was £39

Is the wedding in the middle of nowhere or is it near somewhere-I know its not ideal but could you and your DD attend the wedding ceremony and reception mingle/drinks then you and your DD leave for a few hours during the meal and then come back for the reception. That way you can go and get something to eat with DD and not worry about others or contamination?

Generally we don't go anywhere and cook everything from scratch. The time it takes to cook everything from scratch doesnt leave a lot of scope for going anywhere anyway! :) DD is fine with tesco egg sarnies, but I'm a bit reluctant to serve those warm after a few hours out of the fridge :) The FODMAP thing I'm new to and still getting to grips with, we're a year into the nut allergy, and don't go to many events like this so this has not come up before.

Im also surprised at the cons not giving an epipen.
As a1-2yo mine ate all sorts by accident - a wild mushroom in park, stones, soap - she was a bit sneaky and would be fine then suddenly put in her mouth.
Surely if anything by teenager they would be used to it and unlikely to eat something they shouldnt.

Why can't you eat nuts - are you allergic too?

I am peanut allergic but eat foods that aren't guaranteed nut free. It's generally easy to tell if there is a risk or not; I'm careful with desserts and avoid Asian food (except Japanese).

Is there any child friendly food on offer? I would be looking at feeding your daughter bread and any safe main courses (meat, veg) and taking along some easy extras like cheese portions, fruit and biscuits.

Cococandyfloss - it's a few miles from our hotel so that's a possibility. Toddler car sickness in taxis makes it tricky but not impossible. Ghostys - don't even go there :) we have an appointment with another consultant out of area in a few weeks but that's after this wedding.